So, here I am two days from the score release... It's been an interesting year.
Rewind.
I’ll be honest. I was an athlete. Terrible HS student. I saw myself as an athlete. My family saw me as an athlete and my teachers did as well. I didn’t have much confidence, football gave me some for the first time and I ran with it. Oddly enough, I was great in school when I was younger and then my performance in school plummeted once I my confidence began to drop. Blah blah, sob story.
Excelled in football, brought me to college. All the sudden, things improved. Not greatly, but I was much more successful in college. Not great, but 2.5-3.2 range. Part of me began to realize that I could compete in writing, rhetoric, and overall performance in school. Regardless, I still had bad habits that restricted how successful I could have been. Didn’t really weigh the importance of what I was doing. I couldn’t see how important school was yet or my ability.
… Football ended. Bad habits and lack of confidence crept in and affected more than just academics. I went back home. I began working & supporting myself. Despite losing my rock that was football, I knew there was more for me.
I slowly attempted to get back into school, but I was excelling in the workforce. I had earned two quick promotions that took precedent over the JC courses I was taking to get back on trek. I finished a few of them, but one which I had though I dropped apparently ended as an E? FML right? I didn’t notice this till later…
Anyway. On all accounts, I was pretty mediocre. I was a good, but underperforming college athlete. The same could be said about my academics. I was the first in my family to even go to college and I did alright, but before I really realized the opportunities I had in front of me, I had already blown them..
.. I went back to school. I couldn’t ignore that little voice that grew louder. I knew I had to do more. I had to demand more of myself and utilize the talents I had just began to recognize. Special Snowflake I was.
I changed my major and knocked out 2 ½ years of school in a year and a half. I worked during this time. Managed a decent, 50k/year job. Earned a 3.93 at my Undergrad institution. However, I think I still have a 3.01-3.2 LSAC GPA. HA. (keep putting off paying for CAS.. ). Fast Forward.. At this point I was 25, just about to graduate and registered for the Dec, 2010 LSAT.The odds were stacked. I took the LSAT last December. I thought it would be a good idea to try and rush in there without really adequate study time right after my father nearly passed away. These aren’t excuses, but these are the reality. I had practiced games. Read the bible. Studied for about aq month straight & during the time with my Dad in the hospital. After deciding what I wanted, I wanted it then. I’d already wasted so much of my ability and time…
Reality had other plans. Not getting any sleep due to anxiety and trying to compensate with an energy drink the day of is an awful idea. Anxiety + caffine = 148. I had scored timed tests between 159-168 at that point. This was pretty abysmal. My first instinct was to cancel, but I didn’t want to wait another cycle. I wondered if it was as bad as I thought.. I figured it would be worth the wait. No way could it have been under 150, amirite?
Fast forward nearly a year later. Life has changed. My father is doing well. I graduated.. Earned a couple raises at work. I found a lovely woman whom I live with now.. However, that voice is loud as ever. I wasn’t sure if it was right for me. Circumstances aside, I don’t lie to myself. I don’t make excuses. I screwed up and I had to own that pathetic score. Took me a while to get over that and give it an honest look. My gf was a paralegal. It wasn’t after two visits with two of her old co-workers who were partners at a reasonably large firm for a market that it began to click again. The meetings started out with the normal skepticism of every asshat wannabe attorney. They didn’t end that way... I stopped doubting myself. I was my own worst enemy. I finally recognized this. There are no excuses and never have been. The ability is there, my ability to overcome myself is what’s gotten in my way. This went a long way. I studied and I studied and I got better. Much better. I ranged from 165-174.
Take the test October. My Fn chest is literally raging through my shirt. I have some sort of muscle spasm in my chest opposite side of my heart and you can see it through my shirt. My body is feeling the anxiety, but I felt in much better control… That’s not to say in control, but less out of control perhaps?
… I had to have the stupid LEGIT game section right in the beginning. “finished” in 28 minutes and had to go back through two of them. Stupid ambassadors & stupid bikes. This game ruined the international politics & bikes for me by the way…
Stuttered a little on the following LR section. Rocked the RC/EX Games & did well on the last LR.
I can’t imagine a scenario where I got below a 158. That’s even with adding -4 to every section ontop of what I already suspected I MAY have missed.
I’m thinking -6 LG/-4 LR/-0 RC/-6 LR? 162-168 I’d say.
I’m already registered for December as well. In my mind, I’ll need two 160+ to negate my abysmal first score. I need to show to everyone and myself that the anomaly is my mediocre performance and that I’ve overcome that.
Or I could be wrong? Perhaps, despite my preparation & calm, that this is a beast which I won’t beat. Maybe I’ll underachieve again. Maybe I can’t beat my own anxiety… Maybe that little voice that has pushed me along so far has been wrong.
Regardless of the outcome, this has been a journey. It’s not over. It won’t be over until the Dec scores. It won’t be over until I face the decision of actually having to decide where/if to go to law school…
But, I’m lucky. I have a lot in front of me. Business school is an option and I could be very happy with that, but the law resonates with me on a much stronger level. I can’t describe why it does, but I’ve always had a strong affinity for it. There’s so many options within the field of Law that I could love pursuing.. I have my preferences and my dreams, but.. I don’t have to justify my reasoning.
We’ll see where this goes on Wednesday. I don’t have the sense of dread that I’ve felt in the past. I just wanted to share my unremarkable story. Most of us aren’t refugee URMs with genius level IQs. Most of us have to work harder than everyone else to ACTUALLY get into this field. Then, it’ll only be more work to keep ourselves afloat. We’ve all taken different paths to get here. All we have to fall back on is ourselves. I just figured my wall of text might make a few people feel less alone for a brief moment of time. I don’t suspect law school, the law job search, or the law profession itself will ever get easier…
