Boyfriend moving with me to law school...bad idea? Forum

[devilishangelrjp]

This is a problem between me and my parents and my fiance.

I am 22, and for 22 years, I have done everything my parents expected me to do. I went to school, graduated, didn't get pregnant, etc. Even in my rebellious stage, I didn't step too far out of line.

My fiance and I have been together for nearly 4 years. We have dated long-distance since I was a freshman in college. Since I am leaving for law school in August, in another state, we really don't want to continue to be apart, especially across an even longer distance. Soo...we have talked about moving in together. We agreed that that probably would be the best thing for our relationship at this point. His parents, my friends, everyone else agrees that it is not an unreasonable idea...except my family.

My parents don't think it's a good idea. I broached the subject with my mother along with all my arguments (he will work and pay half rent, which is cheaper for me; he can go to school eventually at one of the top schools in his field; less risk for me than if I went to an unfamiliar state as a single female, and more), and she simply said, "I don't think it's a good idea." She seems to think that law school will mean I won't have time for a relationship (which I've heard is fairly true, but it can be done, right?). Now, she's acting like I only have two options: either live alone or live with someone I don't know, neither of which is desirable on my end. I tried to reason with her, but I don't know how to stop being that girl who doesn't step out of line. I hate it that my mother and father have that kind of control over my life, but I don't know how to take that control. Do I just have to stop caring what my parents think or how they will react and do my own thing, or what?

Is it really that unreasonable for me to want to move in with my fiance? Would I be committing virtual law-school suicide by doing so? I'm pretty torn here.

[005618502]

People move in with their spouses all the time when moving to law school. So no it would not be. And you have been apart from your fiance of almost 4 years for 4 years? How long have you dated and how much of that time has been apart (long distance)

Biggest question is why are you letting your parents determine your life when you are 22 years old? in case you dont know you are an adult

[06072010]

The first step is cutting the umbilical cord. Thousands of people make it through law school living with a significant other.

[Aeroplane]

Living with a bf/gf in law school isn't particularly problematic at all, and can be better for your grades than living alone/with a roommate if you have the right kind of bf/gf. BUT if your entire relationship to date has been long-distance, I don't think it's a great idea to make the huge change of living together at the same time as your first semester of law school.

[005618502]

I dont understand how you have been together for ALMOST 4 years and have been long distance since your freshmen year of college (im assuming you have just graduated as a senior after 4 years of undergrad, as is normal). So been long distance the whole time? In that case how could you be engaged?

[romothesavior]

Your mom is wrong.

[devilishangelrjp]

People move in with their spouses all the time when moving to law school. So no it would not be. And you have been apart from your fiance of almost 4 years for 4 years? How long have you dated and how much of that time has been apart (long distance)

Biggest question is why are you letting your parents determine your life when you are 22 years old? in case you dont know you are an adult

Well, we have been engaged for a year, but we have dated for 4 years. Of that time, I would say our time apart would equal about a year. I spent most of my time at school, and he visited me, and on breaks and stuff I spent everyday with him.

I don't want to let my parents determine my life, but I don't want to kick them out of my life, if that makes any sense...and I am afraid that that's what will happen.

[pjo]

well... you're 22, you're an adult so act like one. I'm in no way being harsh I'm just saying you're perfectly within your right to make your own decisions and if you just keep doing everything your parents what you to its going to hinder you in the long run. You can't be sheltered bc I believe that you learn most from your mistakes. This may not work out but hey, live and learn. I'm interested to know that exactly WHY your parents don't want you to move in together? Maybe its bc the majority of ppl who live together and get married eventually end up getting divorced. There have been a few studies though that state this statisic isn't so much cause and effect as much as just a correlation btwn ppl moving in together and their overall beliefs on marriage and fidelity (or lack therof). Anway, it seems like your actually reasoning through this and not just making some spur of the moment decision based on emotion (which I think is what most ppl do). It also seems like your bf has his act together too and isn't just some deadbeat (which would cause a lot of unneeded stress during school). The only things that I could think of off hand that may cause reason for you not to do this is if 1. you broke up, especially during like finals or something which would be emotionally and physically draining, moreso if you had been living together 2. the strain it could put on your parent's and yours relationship. Although, keep in mind if you don't stop listening to your parents all the time I could see this causing substantially more problems in the future, like when/if you get married (I've seen this first hand). hopes this helps

[06072010]

Check box: Your parents are paying for all [ ], some [ ], or none [ ] of your law school education.

[Bildungsroman]

Moving in with fiance =/= moving in with boyfriend. If you're engaged you're going to be stuck with one another the rest of your lives (theoretically). So, it's probably a good idea now to get used to living together, and if you really can't be both a law student and living with a fiance, you will probably want to evaluate how you'd handle being a lawyer and living with a husband.

[crysmissmichelle]

It doesn't sound like they are making you kick them out of your life. . .she just doesn't like the idea. It is your life. The decision really depends on how stable your relationship with the fiance is. . .if he will be a distraction, don't do it. If he too is a dedicated student, and he understands study time is study time, then having someone you love and can rely on, who is stable, to live with can be a great thing. The research I read on this topic actually had to do with married medical school students, and the results were good.

It depends on the two of you, not your parents.

[romothesavior]

Is your mom:

1) Against it because it will harm your ability to succeed in law school?
2) Against it because for some moral reason?
3) Against it because she doesn't like your boyfriend?

If the reason is 1, then she isn't going to cut you off because you move in with him. Just move in with him and succeed in law school, problem solved.

If the reason is either 2 or 3, then you need to make her understand that it is your life. If she can't see it, then too bad for her. You need to do what is best for you.

[pjo]

i missed that you're engaged. In that case I agree with Bildungsroman. And btw, if you choose to do this you're not "kicking your parents out of your life", your just moving into your role as an adult. Lets face it, your parents went through basically the same stage when they were around your age (unless they got married super late that is).

[devilishangelrjp]

Check box: Your parents are paying for all [ ], some [ ], or none [ ] of your law school education.

My parents have said that, if anything, they would help pay for living. But that was before I told them I wanted to live with him. I probably won't need help, anyway, which is something I considered before I told them.

[CX1329]

There's nothing wrong with it, unless he would be opposed to how much time you'll be dedicating to your studies.

[06072010]

Good plan. Screw what they think. Your parents will come around if they even get pissed.

[notanumber]

Moving in with fiance =/= moving in with boyfriend. If you're engaged you're going to be stuck with one another the rest of your lives (theoretically). So, it's probably a good idea now to get used to living together, and if you really can't be both a law student and living with a fiance, you will probably want to evaluate how you'd handle being a lawyer and living with a husband.

This.

The vast majority of marriages that I've seen fail were ones where the couple only lived together for a brief period of time before tying the knot. A major shift in your relationship occurs when you live together with somebody. It's harder to ignore the other person's faults and this is when relationships transition from the 'chemically induced in love' phase to the 'lifetime partner who I appreciate for who they are' phase. It's far superior to figure out if this is a workable transition before you get married, get pregnant, or otherwise tie your finances and futures together.

[06072010]

Gotta feel good about a four-year relationship though. Seems like all systems go for a successful move-in unless there has been trouble in the past.

[A'nold]

I sometimes find it funny that people get "engaged" and have been together so long but marriage is like a far off distant thing. Engaged to me means engaged, with a wedding date set, etc. This kind of engaged sounds like two junior high school kids planning on getting married when they grow up and giving the girl a promise ring that she wears around her neck.

[romothesavior]

I sometimes find it funny that people get "engaged" and have been together so long but marriage is like a far off distant thing. Engaged to me means engaged, with a wedding date set, etc. This kind of engaged sounds like two junior high school kids planning on getting married when they grow up and giving the girl a promise ring that she wears around her neck.

Haha +1 to all of that.

[trkmantis2]

OP, I think you should live with your fiance, but make sure you have a plan ahead of time on how you two will evenly divide all domestic duties (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc). Also, if at all possible, try to move in well before classes start so you can both get used to living together and settle in.

[trialjunky]

At some point, you're going to have to do what YOU want and elarn from your own mistakes. If you don't move in with eachother what's the point of even being engaged or in a relationship. Relationships need to move and grow. You would end up serioulsy hurting your relationship if you didnt move in. How does the fiance feel about your indecision and your paretns concern.

also, you havent stated hwy it is your parents dont want the two of you to move in with eachother.

[OGR3]

I would be a completely worthless human being if it weren't for my girlfriend.

Sometimes I think my mom likes her more than she likes me....

[voice of reason]

You got engaged without having lived together, so it would be wise to live together now, before the wedding, to be sure that cohabiting will work for the two of you.

[let/them/eat/cake]

Is your mom:

1) [ ] it because it [ ] to succeed in [ ]?
2) [ ] it [ ] moral [ ]?
3) [ ] it because she [ ] your boyfriend?

MADLIBS!