Boyfriend moving with me to law school...bad idea? Forum

[trialjunky]

[quote="Kiersten1985"]Wait - according to your mom's latest update, you're too messy or for whatever reason unable to "keep a house?"

Have you lived at home all your life? If so, then try being out there on your own for a bit first. Don't jump from being a child to a wife.

In all honesty, living together is amazing if you're good together (I've lived with my bf since I was 22 and we're 24 now) but we each had our "own" time in college - i.e. living on our on in college, studying abroad, away from parents, dated other people, etc. I don't mean this is a mean way, but I think you might not be experienced or mature enough yet to jump into cohabitation.[/quote]

[mel.t]

Also, I hope you are on BC.

Agreed. That would get your mom off your back about the whole pregnancy thing.

[pugalicious]

Also, I hope you are on BC.

Agreed. That would get your mom off your back about the whole pregnancy thing.

Why would a mother, who believes her daughter is 1) a mature 2)responsible, 3) adult 4) in a commited relationship 5) to another mature 6) responsible 7)and desirable 8)adult

not be excited at the prospect of the two having children? Or at least open to it, yet concerned about the strain it may have on law school grades? do parents not want grandchildren anymore?

I submit again that if the parents are that extremely opposed to a pregnancy, one or more of the above stipulations is not met.

[wakefield]

Also, I hope you are on BC.

Agreed. That would get your mom off your back about the whole pregnancy thing.

i don't know if it would...i feel like there's got to be some info missing, or a reason this mom is so against OP's plan

[SaintClarence27]

Also, I hope you are on BC.

Agreed. That would get your mom off your back about the whole pregnancy thing.

Why would a mother, who believes her daughter is 1) a mature 2)responsible, 3) adult 4) in a commited relationship 5) to another mature 6) responsible 7)and desirable 8)adult

not be excited at the prospect of the two having children? Or at least open to it, yet concerned about the strain it may have on law school grades? do parents not want grandchildren anymore?

I submit again that if the parents are that extremely opposed to a pregnancy, one or more of the above stipulations is not met.

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

[pugalicious]

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

Money would fall under 2) I guess. Even if they consider 4) to ONLY be marriage...isn't OP engaged? Shouldn't marriage....be the end result of an engagement?

SET A DATE, OP. SET A DATE. That's my best advice.

[SaintClarence27]

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

Money would fall under 2) I guess. Even if they consider 4) to ONLY be marriage...isn't OP engaged? Shouldn't marriage....be the end result of an engagement?

SET A DATE, OP. SET A DATE. That's my best advice.

HELL no. OP shouldn't base a marriage on the demands of her mother. Ever. OP should just man up and make her own decision for once.

[ozarkhack]

I haven't read all of this thread, so maybe I missed OP's explanation. But it seems OPmom's more opposed to the co-habbing b/c of the "imomorality" of it. At least that position would make some sort of sense, at least compared to the bogus pregnancy thing, anyway.

Also, it's weird that you're talking about this fella like he's just some guy you're dating (exhibit A: Thread title). ... This isn't some Cleetus from the County Fair you're moving in with. It's your formally promised husband-to-be. Whether you do or don't move in together has about ZERO to do with law school and ought to have way less than that to do with what your mom thinks.

I know that it's tough doing something your parents disagree with. I went against my entire family's "moral" objections to my moving in with my then-girlfriend 2.5 years ago. It was hard, and I was 26. They still haven't gotten over it. But they love me still and are elated that I finally asked her to marry me.

It won't be the end of the world. Put the sippy cup away, take off the training wheels and go live your own damn life. (Also, feel free to drink milk straight from the carton. And to not make your bed.)

[pugalicious]

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

Money would fall under 2) I guess. Even if they consider 4) to ONLY be marriage...isn't OP engaged? Shouldn't marriage....be the end result of an engagement?

SET A DATE, OP. SET A DATE. That's my best advice.

HELL no. OP shouldn't base a marriage on the demands of her mother. Ever. OP should just man up and make her own decision for once.

OP said she was engaged. Does she want to be Pam and Roy or Pam and Jim?

[wakefield]

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

Money would fall under 2) I guess. Even if they consider 4) to ONLY be marriage...isn't OP engaged? Shouldn't marriage....be the end result of an engagement?

SET A DATE, OP. SET A DATE. That's my best advice.

HELL no. OP shouldn't base a marriage on the demands of her mother. Ever. OP should just man up and make her own decision for once.

OP said she was engaged. Does she want to be Pam and Roy or Pam and Jim?

if this doesn't convince OP, nothing will.

[mel.t]

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

Money would fall under 2) I guess. Even if they consider 4) to ONLY be marriage...isn't OP engaged? Shouldn't marriage....be the end result of an engagement?

SET A DATE, OP. SET A DATE. That's my best advice.

HELL no. OP shouldn't base a marriage on the demands of her mother. Ever. OP should just man up and make her own decision for once.

OP said she was engaged. Does she want to be Pam and Roy or Pam and Jim?

Hahaha. Pam and Jim means no BC.

[SaintClarence27]

Or that they consider 4 to ONLY be marriage. Not that it SHOULD be the case, but perhaps it is so. Also, there may be concerns about money.

Money would fall under 2) I guess. Even if they consider 4) to ONLY be marriage...isn't OP engaged? Shouldn't marriage....be the end result of an engagement?

SET A DATE, OP. SET A DATE. That's my best advice.

HELL no. OP shouldn't base a marriage on the demands of her mother. Ever. OP should just man up and make her own decision for once.

OP said she was engaged. Does she want to be Pam and Roy or Pam and Jim?

If Jim was moving to New York to be with Pam during art school, do you think that Pam's mom would have demanded that they get married first? If she did, do you think that they would have to listen?

[pugalicious]

If Jim was moving to New York to be with Pam during art school, do you think that Pam's mom would have demanded that they get married first? If she did, do you think that they would have to listen?

good point. of course they wouldn't have to listen, but I'm sure Pam's mom would have valid concerns ("you lived with roy for 5 years and it failed, do you want to risk it again?" "should Jim give up his job?" "what if you decide you don't like art school?") that Pam would take into consideration. OP's parents have vague concerns like:

You might get pregnant.
It's immoral (actually OP didn't say they thought this, did she?).
You aren't very clean.

These should not be considered, as they are stupid. But, if OP wants her parents to approve, as she clearly does, then she'll have to figure out what's really bothering them and address it.

I think they don't like the guy. She brought up their concern that he might not pay the rent - they don't want her getting knocked up and left with a lease for an apartment that's twice as expensive as she can afford...and they think this guy is the type of asshole who would do that.

[SaintClarence27]

If Jim was moving to New York to be with Pam during art school, do you think that Pam's mom would have demanded that they get married first? If she did, do you think that they would have to listen?

good point. of course they wouldn't have to listen, but I'm sure Pam's mom would have valid concerns ("you lived with roy for 5 years and it failed, do you want to risk it again?" "should Jim give up his job?" "what if you decide you don't like art school?") that Pam would take into consideration. OP's parents have vague concerns like:

You might get pregnant.
It's immoral (actually OP didn't say they thought this, did she?).
You aren't very clean.

These should not be considered, as they are stupid. But, if OP wants her parents to approve, as she clearly does, then she'll have to figure out what's really bothering them and address it.

I think they don't like the guy. She brought up their concern that he might not pay the rent - they don't want her getting knocked up and left with a lease for an apartment that's twice as expensive as she can afford...and they think this guy is the type of asshole who would do that.

I think you're right, but my point is that the OP really shouldn't be worried about their approval. She should take motherly wisdom into account strictly because it's motherly wisdom, but she shouldn't just defer the decision to her mother. It's her life and her decision. She shouldn't just do whatever her mom wants because of vague reasons given in the hope of gaining their approval, nor should she necessarily dig deeper to find what's really bothering them. If they're being passive-aggressive, then oh well. (And no, OP didn't mention immorality).

[IBThatGuy]

[...]You're still growing up. Are you sure that you are getting married because you want to, and not because you've been dating for four years and it's "what you're supposed to do?" If you started dating this guy when you were 18, then you haven't really had any adult relationships (I don't count LD relationships that started in high school). People change from 22-25- I know I changed significantly.

Your parents obviously don't like the guy, or don't think you're ready for marriage. I'm willing to bet they have a more objective view than you do. Parents are usually pretty smart about these things.
[...]
We might not think our parents are all that smart, but the 20-30 more years of experience they have over us does hold some wisdom. This is something you learn as you get older.
[...]
Lots of 22 year old, straight-from-undergrad-folks attending law school aren't adults. They're children who finished undergrad and decided they'd rather continue to live off their parent's teat than get a job, or realized that they picked a major that wouldn't result in getting a decent job.

That's why 22 year olds shouldn't get married to their high school crushes.

CCTFY (consolidated and condensed that for you). Seriously, this is a really strong series of points. My post before alluded to something related, but I think HBK's post hits it home a bit better.

My parents helped support my older brother living with his now ex-girlfriend and her daughter when he was trying to play "Daddy." He is 28, hasn't attended school, and neither of them had a job.

My guess is (again) that they are really worried about me getting pregnant. It has not been mentioned by her yet, but I am pretty sure that is what is lurking in the back of her mind.

Your mom really does make some very good points (in another one of your posts). Yes, part of it is probably that she's worried about you facing the same sort of drama as your brother. Part of it is definitely that she's worried about a questionable decision holding you back academically. I'm guessing she didn't mean your grades weren't good enough for her, but that she knows you could have done better, and they probably aren't good enough for you.

As HBK said, people change a lot between 22 and 25; they even change between 25 and 28. You don't need your parents' permission, but you would be wise to listen to at least some extent. Don't just listen to them and take it under consideration, as someone mentioned, because you're an adult. You really need to put a boatload of weight on what they say - not because they get to tell you what to do, but because they really might be right, and the definitely know more than you with respect to managing a successful adult life, for the simple fact that they've probably been doing it for more than 28 years, and you haven't quite started.

I lived with my girlfriend when I got out of undergrad. It was an absolute catastrophe; every time I look back, I'm amazed we're still together. We spent two years living apart while in grad school and moved back in together. Things were still very rough at first, but have smoothed out over the last 3 years. I'd be willing to chalk 85% of that up to maturity, 7% to practice, and 8% to various miscellaneous factors. I have empirical evidence that I couldn't handle a live-in relationship at 22. I also have a feeling law school (which is, by all accounts, a grueling experience) would have chewed me up and spit me out. Both of those together, and I think the results would have been absolutely terrible. Now, that could just be me. A lot of people enter law school at 22 and make it through just fine (more or less). However, like you, I lived the first 22 years of my life as a complete dork (no offense), on the straight-and-narrow - not because my parents wanted me to, but because that's who I was. I don't make big decisions impulsively, and so on. My experience is at least slightly relevant in that respect: You're probably extremely smart, thoughtful, and responsible, but, if you're like I was, it would help you to step out of undergraduate world very carefully.


By the way, folks, as an aside: stay the Hell away from from exes, and stay the Hell away from people living with their exes! I don't know if OP's brother still lives with the woman who's now his ex (because of the way that sentence was structured). To OP: If he is, tell him to get out FAST. Nothing good can possibly come of it. To other readers: Run. For the love of all that is remotely good or beautiful in the world, run. Nothing good can come of it. Drama, abuse, kids, more drama, other sorts of violence, etc.

[20160810]

There is no such thing is "not having time for a relationship," even in law school. If someone says that, what they really mean is "I don't have time for a relationship with you." So keep that in mind. 1L is stressful, but many (if not most) people maintain relationships during law school. If you're going to deep-6 the guy, do it because you want to, not because your mom wants you to and is feeding you excuses. Otherwise, be glad that he loves you enough to move out with you and support you.

[bceagles182]

Don't feel like reading the whole thread. Three things:

1. Live with your fiance if you're comfortable doing so. Nobody can make that decision for you as there are social/cultural/religious demensions to it. My impression is that if you agreed to an engagement then your relationship is ready for the step. At that point, it becomes a social choice as to whether you're comfortable living together before marriage.

2. Don't let your parents make your life decisions. Do what's right for you.

3. I would avoid having children while in law school if at all possible. You don't need the stress and your time will be limited enough as it is.

[06132010]

There is no such thing is "not having time for a relationship," even in law school. If someone says that, what they really mean is "I don't have time for a relationship with you."

yup.

[FeuerFrei]

.

[ozarkhack]

In Soviet Russia, guy deep-6's you

Edit: Booo

[istorm88]

OP, I made a way worse decision to move out on my own at 18 with my girlfriend and NO ONE supported it for obvious reasons. Heard the same tired arguments...which are true for most relationships. Some of it really did happen (she was similar to you and was an immature slob, I had an unjustifiably short temper), but it benefited us in the long run as we helped each other improve and now we're engaged (REAL engaged...like the date is set, wedding gown has been bought etc.)

Long story short...I made a decision that was just plain dumb with minimal justification against EVERYONE and now we're all one big happy family (both sides). Your trying to make a rational and fairly smart choice with only your parents disapproving, yet your clearly not even close to pulling the trigger on this.

My guesses to your parents disapproval:

1.) Something's up with your boyfriend that your not sharing with us. The two of you have been dating for 4 years and they STILL don't trust the guy.

2.) After raising you for 22 years, your parents STILL don't trust you. It sounds like your giving them little reason to....I imagine your parents have handled most of the important decisions in YOUR life.

The good news is it still isn't too late for you to take control....so hike up your skirt, put on your big girl boots and do something

[20160810]

OP, I made a way worse decision to move out on my own at 18 with my girlfriend and NO ONE supported it for obvious reasons. Heard the same tired arguments...which are true for most relationships. Some of it really did happen (she was similar to you and was an immature slob, I had an unjustifiably short temper), but it benefited us in the long run as we helped each other improve and now we're engaged (REAL engaged...like the date is set, wedding gown has been bought etc.)

Long story short...I made a decision that was just plain dumb with minimal justification against EVERYONE and now we're all one big happy family (both sides). Your trying to make a rational and fairly smart choice with only your parents disapproving, yet your clearly not even close to pulling the trigger on this.

My guesses to your parents disapproval:

1.) Something's up with your boyfriend that your not sharing with us. The two of you have been dating for 4 years and they STILL don't trust the guy.

2.) After raising you for 22 years, your parents STILL don't trust you. It sounds like your giving them little reason to....I imagine your parents have handled most of the important decisions in YOUR life.

The good news is it still isn't too late for you to take control....so hike up your skirt, put on your big girl boots and do something

Could be this, or it could just be that a lot of parents have an inflated sense of their children's worth and are afraid to see them "settle" with someone they love instead of holding out for Mike Dexter, Astronaut.

[scott88]

These people like the OP always kill me. Why in the hell are you getting married when neither of you has seemingly been financially independent or on your own for a day in your lives? Really, engaged fresh out of undergrad? This isn't 1950 anymore. Spend some time out on your own, make your own way in the world, get your law degree, get started at a firm, and then start worrying about getting married. Sure, have a boyfriend or some type of more casual arrangement for the time being, but do you really want the distraction of marriage in your life? Most everyone else in law school is just worried about law school -- you'll be worried about a damn marriage. Not to mention, you really need to have some time to cut the cord from your parents.

It seems like a lot of you women just can't fathom life without a guy to hold your hand through it all. I promise, you'll be just fine. There will be plenty of time in your future to be married. In the mean time, I'm sure you can handle living in an apartment alone or with a "random" roommate. If you're this dependent on your boyfriend, is law school really your best option? Maybe teaching elementary school or something would be less daunting to you.

So yeah, my answer clearly is, no, do not move in with the fiance/boyfriend. It will be more of a clusterfuck than it's worth, and it will hinder your personal growth. Not to mention, then you will likely start thinking about popping out a few kids with this guy. Part of choosing to pursue a law degree and work a prestigious job is sacrificing some of this bullshit until you hit your 30s. There's only so much time in the day, and you'd tie up a lot of it with a spouse and/or kids.

[SaintClarence27]

These people like the OP always kill me. Why in the hell are you getting married when neither of you has seemingly been financially independent or on your own for a day in your lives? Really, engaged fresh out of undergrad? This isn't 1950 anymore. Spend some time out on your own, make your own way in the world, get your law degree, get started at a firm, and then start worrying about getting married. Sure, have a boyfriend or some type of more casual arrangement for the time being, but do you really want the distraction of marriage in your life? Most everyone else in law school is just worried about law school -- you'll be worried about a damn marriage. Not to mention, you really need to have some time to cut the cord from your parents.

It seems like a lot of you women just can't fathom life without a guy to hold your hand through it all. I promise, you'll be just fine. There will be plenty of time in your future to be married. In the mean time, I'm sure you can handle living in an apartment alone or with a "random" roommate. If you're this dependent on your boyfriend, is law school really your best option? Maybe teaching elementary school or something would be less daunting to you.

So yeah, my answer clearly is, no, do not move in with the fiance/boyfriend. It will be more of a clusterfuck than it's worth, and it will hinder your personal growth. Not to mention, when you start thinking about popping out a few kids with this guy. Part of choosing to pursue a law degree and work a prestigious job is sacrificing some of this bullshit until you hit your 30s. There's only so much time in the day, and you'd tie up a lot of it with a spouse and/or kids.

NO. I would consider it much more daunting, actually.

[devilishangelrjp]

These people like the OP always kill me. Why in the hell are you getting married when neither of you has seemingly been financially independent or on your own for a day in your lives? Really, engaged fresh out of undergrad? This isn't 1950 anymore. Spend some time out on your own, make your own way in the world, get your law degree, get started at a firm, and then start worrying about getting married. Sure, have a boyfriend or some type of more casual arrangement for the time being, but do you really want the distraction of marriage in your life? Most everyone else in law school is just worried about law school -- you'll be worried about a damn marriage. Not to mention, you really need to have some time to cut the cord from your parents.

It seems like a lot of you women just can't fathom life without a guy to hold your hand through it all. I promise, you'll be just fine. There will be plenty of time in your future to be married. In the mean time, I'm sure you can handle living in an apartment alone or with a "random" roommate. If you're this dependent on your boyfriend, is law school really your best option? Maybe teaching elementary school or something would be less daunting to you.

So yeah, my answer clearly is, no, do not move in with the fiance/boyfriend. It will be more of a clusterfuck than it's worth, and it will hinder your personal growth. Not to mention, then you will likely start thinking about popping out a few kids with this guy. Part of choosing to pursue a law degree and work a prestigious job is sacrificing some of this bullshit until you hit your 30s. There's only so much time in the day, and you'd tie up a lot of it with a spouse and/or kids.

You seem to know a lot more about me than even I do. Seriously, you have mapped out exactly how I think, and how I will think, and what my life aspirations should be, and how much of a challenge I can handle. Seems like a lot to get out of what I said. I never said anything about my boyfriend "holding my hand" nor do I think that pursuing a committed relationship and pursuing education are two mutually exclusive options.

I kind of respect where you're coming from though, even past the initial resentment I felt upon reading your (perhaps unnecessarily) hostile post.