Boyfriend moving with me to law school...bad idea? Forum

[06132010]

I used law school as an excuse to get rid of people who I didn't like, but it didn't really affect relationships I wanted to maintain. The people in the former category might have some misconceptions about the rigors of law school...

[ZachOda]

I'm on board with everyone else. On the same token though, you seem to be holding back from making this decision. Might be something to consider. In no way am I an expert on relationships in law school, but would you consider staying with the long distance relationship for your 1L and then having him move in with you? Might give you some time to think, make connections, and get a solid handle on your studies. Personally, I would want to make sure that I am a good law student before I am a good boyfriend, because let's face it, this is your career we're talking about. Not to say that you shouldn't move in with him if you really feel it's right, but your hesitation may speak to things that you haven't considered.

[ArkansasFan]

I'm not going to vote, however, I think the best benefit of taking your bf is that you have something familiar with you when you're in a distant placed, stressed out over school.

[trialjunky]

if you decide not to move in with your fiance because of your parents... don't you think that's going to severely fuck up your relationship?

This is exactly what I was thinking, actually.

I really think this could be a relationship ender. If you want to marry this guy, it's time to stand up to your parents.

If I put myself in you bf shoes, I would break up with you if you didnt want to take the next step. What's the point of this fake engagement when committing to live together is just too much????

[toolfan]

My gf will be moving in with me at some point during my 1L. I'm not worried about it. I think it will make things much easier. No more 2 hour phone calls, no more endless texting back and forth etc. I spend a decent part of my day keeping up with her via cell phone (we too are long distance atm), and it drives me nuts. And, I won't have to deal with that "i miss you depression" while i'm studying. Sometimes it really gets me down that I can't see her. So emo, I know.

It's going to be much more convenient to live with my s.o. on all fronts - emotionally, financially, physically. Life will be easier.

Oh, i'm not too concerned about her disrupting my studying or the relationship "getting in the way." She is well aware of my dedication to my studies.

[CanadianWolf]

Why not wait until you finish your first year of law school ? Is your relationship with your fiance strong enough to survive another 10 months of living apart ? Many law students experience significant intellectual growth during their often stressful first year of law school which may result in a different "you" that sees the world in a different way. Although legally at age 22 you are an adult, that doesn't mean that you won't continue to grow emotionally & intellectually; it also doesn't mean that you should disregard the experienced advice of those who know you & love you the most.
P.S. I expected some posters to inquire as to the ranking of your law school & to advise you to cohabitat with your boyfriend if you were not attending a top 14 law school since your life is over anyway.

[Always Credited]

I used law school as an excuse to get rid of people who I didn't like, but it didn't really affect relationships I wanted to maintain. The people in the former category might have some misconceptions about the rigors of law school...

hahaha

[IBThatGuy]

Is it really that unreasonable for me to want to move in with my fiance? Would I be committing virtual law-school suicide by doing so? I'm pretty torn here.

Definitely not remotely unreasonable. Some thoughts:
1. I'm sure you can explain to your parents that you love and respect them, but that, all things considered, you feel it's the best choice for you. You can probably keep them calm.

2. I suppose you might consider going ahead and getting married.

3. It could be a distraction and hurt your academics, or his presence could anchor you a little bit, which would be great. That depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

4. Be prepared to experience different feelings towards your fiance - even for the relationship to change. Living together is very, very different from dating, and even more different from being in a long-distance relationship. You will experience each other in ways you haven't before. Seriously, I'm sure he's who you think he is, but you'll be living with all of him - not just the side you've seen while together every day. Maybe he's a slob; maybe he's a neat freak. Pervert, short temper, crying fits, chronic farter, snorer, non-flusher, animal lover, etc.

5. If you're going to do it, try to make it well before school starts. If everything blows up, you don't want it to happen the week or so before the academic year begins or any time during the academic year.

[Balthy]

I can't find it now, but I know there is actual data suggesting married students do better in grad school. Although that's not what you want to do, it's similar.

My only advice is to plan for the worst. You never know, your bf may get up and leave you one day while you're in law school, so make sure you get a place you can afford on your own for a while, just in case.

[SpaceDawg]

It seems strange that your parents are okay with you being engaged but are not okay with you guys living together while you're in law school. Marriage is a pretty damn big deal.

Seriously, if you're old/mature enough to choose a life partner, you're certainly old enough to decided who you live with.

[HBK]

22 is way too young to be engaged or married.

TITCR

Go to law school and enjoy yourself. You're still growing up. Are you sure that you are getting married because you want to, and not because you've been dating for four years and it's "what you're supposed to do?" If you started dating this guy when you were 18, then you haven't really had any adult relationships (I don't count LD relationships that started in high school). People change from 22-25- I know I changed significantly.

Your parents obviously don't like the guy, or don't think you're ready for marriage. I'm willing to bet they have a more objective view than you do. Parents are usually pretty smart about these things.

My mom had an uncanny ability to sniff out the losers I was dating. "She's too dumb, you'll get tired of her." "Make sure you wear protection with that one, she's looking to get married." And in every case, she was spot on- of course it usually took me much longer to figure it out than it did for my mom.

My mom doesn't know how to work her DVR, doesn't understand most of the internet, and we disagree on politics, but she can read people far better than I can. We might not think our parents are all that smart, but the 20-30 more years of experience they have over us does hold some wisdom. This is something you learn as you get older.

[SpaceDawg]

22 is way too young to be engaged or married.

TITCR

Go to law school and enjoy yourself. You're still growing up. Are you sure that you are getting married because you want to, and not because you've been dating for four years and it's "what you're supposed to do?" If you started dating this guy when you were 18, then you haven't really had any adult relationships (I don't count LD relationships that started in high school). People change from 22-25- I know I changed significantly.

Your parents obviously don't like the guy, or don't think you're ready for marriage. I'm willing to bet they have a more objective view than you do. Parents are usually pretty smart about these things.

My mom had an uncanny ability to sniff out the losers I was dating. "She's too dumb, you'll get tired of her." "Make sure you wear protection with that one, she's looking to get married." And in every case, she was spot on- of course it usually took me much longer to figure it out than it did for my mom.

My mom doesn't know how to work her DVR, doesn't understand most of the internet, and we disagree on politics, but she can read people far better than I can. We might not think our parents are all that smart, but the 20-30 more years of experience they have over us does hold some wisdom. This is something you learn as you get older.

Good points. Your mother sounds awesome.

[SaintClarence27]

An adult takes all factors (including others' advice) into account, weighs them, and then makes his/her own decision.

[devilishangelrjp]

An adult takes all factors (including others' advice) into account, weighs them, and then makes his/her own decision.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Update: We talked to my mother a couple of days ago. She maintains her position that we shouldn't live together. She doesn't think that i have the skills required to keep a house (i.e. I'm too messy...), and she believes that he should continue his education and get another degree to become more "firmly established" before we move in together. She told me that in college I didn't do as well as she would have liked (that stung), and blames it on the amount of time I spent with friends at school. While she acknowledges the fact that we are getting married, she thinks we should wait to move in together until we have both finished our educational pursuits and are firmly planted in a career. She did not address any of our answers to her concerns, nor any of our other arguments meant to show her our perspective.

I can't find it now, but I know there is actual data suggesting married students do better in grad school. Although that's not what you want to do, it's similar.

Hey, I would love to find that information. It would probably go a long way in convincing her.

[09042014]

If I put myself in you bf shoes, I would break up with you if you didnt want to take the next step. What's the point of this fake engagement when committing to live together is just too much????

Well I'd find some new ass first, but then I'd do this^^^

[wakefield]

An adult takes all factors (including others' advice) into account, weighs them, and then makes his/her own decision.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Update: We talked to my mother a couple of days ago. She maintains her position that we shouldn't live together. She doesn't think that i have the skills required to keep a house (i.e. I'm too messy...), and she believes that he should continue his education and get another degree to become more "firmly established" before we move in together. She told me that in college I didn't do as well as she would have liked (that stung), and blames it on the amount of time I spent with friends at school. While she acknowledges the fact that we are getting married, she thinks we should wait to move in together until we have both finished our educational pursuits and are firmly planted in a career. She did not address any of our answers to her concerns, nor any of our other arguments meant to show her our perspective.

I can't find it now, but I know there is actual data suggesting married students do better in grad school. Although that's not what you want to do, it's similar.

Hey, I would love to find that information. It would probably go a long way in convincing her.

uhh so she just wants you to live at home forever?

[SaintClarence27]

An adult takes all factors (including others' advice) into account, weighs them, and then makes his/her own decision.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Update: We talked to my mother a couple of days ago. She maintains her position that we shouldn't live together. She doesn't think that i have the skills required to keep a house (i.e. I'm too messy...), and she believes that he should continue his education and get another degree to become more "firmly established" before we move in together. She told me that in college I didn't do as well as she would have liked (that stung), and blames it on the amount of time I spent with friends at school. While she acknowledges the fact that we are getting married, she thinks we should wait to move in together until we have both finished our educational pursuits and are firmly planted in a career. She did not address any of our answers to her concerns, nor any of our other arguments meant to show her our perspective.

I can't find it now, but I know there is actual data suggesting married students do better in grad school. Although that's not what you want to do, it's similar.

Hey, I would love to find that information. It would probably go a long way in convincing her.

My point is that you don't *need* to convince her, any more than I *need* to convince my current job that going to law school is a good idea. You take it under advisement, and then YOU make the decision, and accept all consequences. That's what being an adult is about.

[HBK]

That's what I'm trying to do.

Update: We talked to my mother a couple of days ago. She maintains her position that we shouldn't live together. She doesn't think that i have the skills required to keep a house (i.e. I'm too messy...), and she believes that he should continue his education and get another degree to become more "firmly established" before we move in together. She told me that in college I didn't do as well as she would have liked (that stung), and blames it on the amount of time I spent with friends at school. While she acknowledges the fact that we are getting married, she thinks we should wait to move in together until we have both finished our educational pursuits and are firmly planted in a career. She did not address any of our answers to her concerns, nor any of our other arguments meant to show her our perspective.

I can't find it now, but I know there is actual data suggesting married students do better in grad school. Although that's not what you want to do, it's similar.

Hey, I would love to find that information. It would probably go a long way in convincing her.

My point is that you don't *need* to convince her, any more than I *need* to convince my current job that going to law school is a good idea. You take it under advisement, and then YOU make the decision, and accept all consequences. That's what being an adult is about.

Lots of 22 year old, straight-from-undergrad-folks attending law school aren't adults. They're children who finished undergrad and decided they'd rather continue to live off their parent's teat than get a job, or realized that they picked a major that wouldn't result in getting a decent job.

That's why 22 year olds shouldn't get married to their high school crushes.

I have a strong feeling that the parents are footing the bill for this lady's law school. If the fiance paid the bills and was willing to support the OP, I doubt this would be as big an issue. As it stands, (if the parents are paying) the parents feel like they helping to pay for an apartment for her boyfriend. Some parents have a problem with supporting "living in sin."

[devilishangelrjp]

That's what I'm trying to do.

Update: We talked to my mother a couple of days ago. She maintains her position that we shouldn't live together. She doesn't think that i have the skills required to keep a house (i.e. I'm too messy...), and she believes that he should continue his education and get another degree to become more "firmly established" before we move in together. She told me that in college I didn't do as well as she would have liked (that stung), and blames it on the amount of time I spent with friends at school. While she acknowledges the fact that we are getting married, she thinks we should wait to move in together until we have both finished our educational pursuits and are firmly planted in a career. She did not address any of our answers to her concerns, nor any of our other arguments meant to show her our perspective.

I can't find it now, but I know there is actual data suggesting married students do better in grad school. Although that's not what you want to do, it's similar.

Hey, I would love to find that information. It would probably go a long way in convincing her.

My point is that you don't *need* to convince her, any more than I *need* to convince my current job that going to law school is a good idea. You take it under advisement, and then YOU make the decision, and accept all consequences. That's what being an adult is about.

Lots of 22 year old, straight-from-undergrad-folks attending law school aren't adults. They're children who finished undergrad and decided they'd rather continue to live off their parent's teat than get a job, or realized that they picked a major that wouldn't result in getting a decent job.

That's why 22 year olds shouldn't get married to their high school crushes.

I have a strong feeling that the parents are footing the bill for this lady's law school. If the fiance paid the bills and was willing to support the OP, I doubt this would be as big an issue. As it stands, (if the parents are paying) the parents feel like they helping to pay for an apartment for her boyfriend. Some parents have a problem with supporting "living in sin."

But they aren't footing the bill. I have enough money to make half of the rent of the apartments that I have looked at, and even (if I had to) the whole rent. My parents DID pay for my undergraduate education, with the condition that I would pay for any schooling thereafter. My parents helped support my older brother living with his now ex-girlfriend and her daughter when he was trying to play "Daddy." He is 28, hasn't attended school, and neither of them had a job.

My guess is (again) that they are really worried about me getting pregnant. It has not been mentioned by her yet, but I am pretty sure that is what is lurking in the back of her mind.

[SaintClarence27]

My point is that you don't *need* to convince her, any more than I *need* to convince my current job that going to law school is a good idea. You take it under advisement, and then YOU make the decision, and accept all consequences. That's what being an adult is about.

Lots of 22 year old, straight-from-undergrad-folks attending law school aren't adults. They're children who finished undergrad and decided they'd rather continue to live off their parent's teat than get a job, or realized that they picked a major that wouldn't result in getting a decent job.

That's why 22 year olds shouldn't get married to their high school crushes.

I have a strong feeling that the parents are footing the bill for this lady's law school. If the fiance paid the bills and was willing to support the OP, I doubt this would be as big an issue. As it stands, (if the parents are paying) the parents feel like they helping to pay for an apartment for her boyfriend. Some parents have a problem with supporting "living in sin."

But they aren't footing the bill. I have enough money to make half of the rent of the apartments that I have looked at, and even (if I had to) the whole rent. My parents DID pay for my undergraduate education, with the condition that I would pay for any schooling thereafter. My parents helped support my older brother living with his now ex-girlfriend and her daughter when he was trying to play "Daddy." He is 28, hasn't attended school, and neither of them had a job.

My guess is (again) that they are really worried about me getting pregnant. It has not been mentioned by her yet, but I am pretty sure that is what is lurking in the back of her mind.

YET AGAIN: WHY DO YOU NEED THEIR APPROVAL? WHO CARES? Just be an adult and make your own decision.

[HBK]

Hey, I would love to find that information. It would probably go a long way in convincing her.

My point is that you don't *need* to convince her, any more than I *need* to convince my current job that going to law school is a good idea. You take it under advisement, and then YOU make the decision, and accept all consequences. That's what being an adult is about.

Lots of 22 year old, straight-from-undergrad-folks attending law school aren't adults. They're children who finished undergrad and decided they'd rather continue to live off their parent's teat than get a job, or realized that they picked a major that wouldn't result in getting a decent job.

That's why 22 year olds shouldn't get married to their high school crushes.

I have a strong feeling that the parents are footing the bill for this lady's law school. If the fiance paid the bills and was willing to support the OP, I doubt this would be as big an issue. As it stands, (if the parents are paying) the parents feel like they helping to pay for an apartment for her boyfriend. Some parents have a problem with supporting "living in sin."

But they aren't footing the bill. I have enough money to make half of the rent of the apartments that I have looked at, and even (if I had to) the whole rent. My parents DID pay for my undergraduate education, with the condition that I would pay for any schooling thereafter. My parents helped support my older brother living with his now ex-girlfriend and her daughter when he was trying to play "Daddy." He is 28, hasn't attended school, and neither of them had a job.

My guess is (again) that they are really worried about me getting pregnant. It has not been mentioned by her yet, but I am pretty sure that is what is lurking in the back of her mind.[/quote]

Then I apologize for the incorrect assumption. It seems they want you to have a better life than your brother, and question your maturity.

But, if they aren't footing any part of the bill, why do you care so much? It's okay to disappoint your parents and to make bad choices, that's part of becoming an adult. I don't understand the conflict if money's not an issue.

Despite the choices you make, your parents will still love you because they have to.

[09042014]

YET AGAIN: WHY DO YOU NEED THEIR APPROVAL? WHO CARES? Just be an adult and make your own decision.

And her mom doesn't even seem to be confrontational about it. She's just doesn't approve. Nut up OP, you are an adult now.

[Kiersten1985]

Wait - according to your mom's latest update, you're too messy or for whatever reason unable to "keep a house?"

Have you lived at home all your life? If so, then try being out there on your own for a bit first. Don't jump from being a child to a wife.

In all honesty, living together is amazing if you're good together (I've lived with my bf since I was 22 and we're 24 now) but we each had our "own" time in college - i.e. living on our on in college, studying abroad, away from parents, dated other people, etc. I don't mean this is a mean way, but I think you might not be experienced or mature enough yet to jump into cohabitation.

[HBK]

Also, I hope you are on BC.

[pugalicious]

I don't really understand the "worried about getting pregnant" argument as a whole...if you're really engaged, as in, actually plaaning to get married (not just "promised ringed" as above), then while pregnancy would be monumentally inconvenient, it shouldn't be considered a BAD thing, esp. not by your mother. Life happens. If you're on BC, then don't worry about it.

If that is really the reason your parents don't want you to move in together, all I can think is your mom doesn't like this guy, and they don't want him to father their grandchildren. That's all I can come up with. (I'm slightly older -25-, but if I were engaged and accidentally got pregnant, I'm fairly certain I would hear my mother's joyful screaming here in Phoenix, and she lives in CA.)

Perhaps it would help if you, your fiancee, and your parents went out to dinner together, and set a wedding date, get your mom involved in planning, etc.? Make them feel like they are involved, and actually getting the wedding going, will show them that you are serious about your future with your fiancee.