Long-distance relationship while in law school? Forum

[czelede]

If she doesn't have a ring on her finger, and she's 22/23 she should just forget about her relationship?

No. The point is, do not make decisions that revolve around another person unless you and that person have made an actual commitment to each other, and thus a commitment to live together with the outcome of those decisions. You should date who you want, when you want, how you want. Everyone does anyway, so contrary advice is just naive.

When people ask things like, "Should I go to law school A because that's where I want to be, or law school B, because that's where my boyfriend will be," I see them as setting up for upset and frustration down the line. My advice is do not make that decision on that basis. Make the choice of which school to attend for yourself, because you're the one who has to live with it. If you can make things work in the relationship AFTER you have made the right decision for you, then fine, have fun and enjoy it. Just don't let someone else drive your choices until he or she has made an actual commitment to see those choices through.

If you're married, then you both have agreed to live together with the consequences of all decisions that each of you make. For married people, my advice is make absolutely certain that you are BOTH happy with any choice of school you make--and with the basic choice to go at all--because otherwise it's going to be a loooooong three years, and getting divorced in the middle of it is NOT the credited way to learn family law. Both people should have a hard, realistic understanding of what different choices mean for the long run, and both must be happy living with the outcome.

So a piece of paper and a ceremony are the only way to signify an "actual commitment?" Hmmm

Obviously! It's not like half of the marriages in the US end in divorce or anything.

I have a friend who has been dating his girlfriend since high school - they are currently in the long-distance long-haul for 5 years while he finishes up a PhD across the country. They are still very much in love with each other and are in no hurry to get married (it's been 7 years and there's no "ring on it") even though it's very obvious to both of them that they will eventually get married.

OP, I think it comes down whether you guys are on the same page about what you want and how you can accommodate each other's needs. You will likely change during law school - and if you change together you don't necessarily need to grow apart. Your relationship will definitely be tested but in the end no one but the two of you can determine whether it will survive.

Edited for missing words/inability to type correctly.

[CanadianWolf]

Actually, the separation from a significant other accompanied by long work days leads to a lot of affairs & marital discord in the real world. Folks tend to identify through shared experiences (e.g., not uncommon for a married executive to have an affair with a co-worker or secretary that leads to divorce). Long distance relationships allow each person to imagine the other in an idyllic fashion. The reality of living together often has the sobering effect of a cold shower.

[Alext182]

First, I disagree that because you aren't engaged or married you aren't serious enough to make a long-distance relationship work—lots of couples are serious (sharing money/living together) for several years without getting married (and some people never marry)—so the lack of a ring doesn’t dictate that you aren’t in serious relationship. That being said, 3 years of long distance will be extremely difficult and requires a serious commitment to the relationship. After seeing my wife's first two years of law school, I believe it would be extremely difficult for an ambitious student to take more than a couple of weekends off during the semester to go visit somewhere. So I’d be mindful that to see him during the semester it would likely have to be him visiting. And I’d really be honest going into it about how little free time you will have and whether you are both willing to make that amount of time work.

And I would recommend prioritizing work opportunities and where you want to eventually work. Where you decide to go to law school influences which markets are viable, and during lawschool it helps to know what markets you want to target for networking opportunities. So ideally you would work out a system (i.e. if you get a job at a large firm in x city then he will move for you, or vise versa, if he gets his dream job somewhere you will move for him as long as your degree is viable there).

Finally, if you have plans to get engaged but want to put it off until you’re ready to actually plan the wedding (i.e. your waiting because you don’t want to be one of those couples engaged for years), I’d recommend getting engaged before you go to law school. The ring does wonders for ensuring people aren't hitting on you uninvited. Maybe that’s a poor reason for getting engaged, but if you go into law school saying you are in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend, I believe a ton of guys (who you will know intimately since law school classes are so small and its best to utilize study groups, etc) won't respect that type of relationship.

Oh, and lastly, you aren't the first "power couple" who both want to go to graduate school and pursue their careers, but in my experience and from what I've seen, somebody will have to compromise more--its rare that both people get their dream jobs at the same time in the same city. If neither of you is willing to sacrifice and say I’ll move to where you get a job then that is a bad sign.

Just my two cents, good luck!

[FantasticMrFox]

"If you liked it you should've put a ring on it! Oh oh oh."

...nvm, I think instead of letting people who don't know the depth of your relationship shape your decision, you should do what you feel is right. But by the look of things (if you ended up posting it here, too), it seems you want that outside "hand" to push you out the door. So, yeah, break it off.

[Gideon Strumpet]

Obviously! It's not like half of the marriages in the US end in divorce or anything.

Good point. It's not like 9 in 10 couples who date for more than a month won't break up eventually.

[geoduck]

Finally, if you have plans to get engaged but want to put it off until you’re ready to actually plan the wedding (i.e. your waiting because you don’t want to be one of those couples engaged for years), I’d recommend getting engaged before you go to law school. The ring does wonders for ensuring people aren't hitting on you uninvited. Maybe that’s a poor reason for getting engaged, but if you go into law school saying you are in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend, I believe a ton of guys (who you will know intimately since law school classes are so small and its best to utilize study groups, etc) won't respect that type of relationship.

Oh, and lastly, you aren't the first "power couple" who both want to go to graduate school and pursue their careers, but in my experience and from what I've seen, somebody will have to compromise more--its rare that both people get their dream jobs at the same time in the same city. If neither of you is willing to sacrifice and say I’ll move to where you get a job then that is a bad sign.

The most truth in the post is in these two paragraphs. To guys, there's a big difference between a long distance fiancee, a long distance husband, and a long distance 'boyfriend'. Most will respect the first, even more the second, and only 'nice guys' the third. And you are going to law school. If they buy that he isn't made up, they'll not care because he obviously doesn't care enough to secure his relationship. It's like stealing a bicycle. If a bike is locked through the frame and wheel with another chain going through the back wheel and around the handlebars, there are very few people who would bother to mess with it. If it's just locked through the frame and front wheel but with a good lock, some might mess with it or steal the back wheel or handlebars, but most will figure that it's not worth going after for potential return against the work involved and chance of being caught. Now if it's just sitting there tied with some string with a note asking not to try stealing it, odds are that given enough time, some stranger's gonna be riding it.

I'm not saying that you'll cave just because guys are hitting on you. I'm just saying that you're going to be making it so you need to say no a lot more times by not wearing a ring.

Also, if you aren't getting married because you both want to chase your dreams but need to be apart to do it and one person ends up sacrificing their dream for the other's success, there's going to be some heavy resentment there. Just sayin'. If it's truly serious then it's worth holding onto. If it's semi-serious or dwindling but neither wants to admit it, you could end up dealing with a long-term relationship and sex deprivation for all of law school just to find out that you'll be in NY and he'll be in LA and you aren't ever getting together again.

[romothesavior]

You've been together 5+ years and you're still describing your relationship with quotation marks around "serious," so fyi, you aren't serious. If you don't have a ring on your finger, you need to dump him and call it a day. If he hasn't proposed yet and you haven't had a real discussion about getting married and him transferring schools to do his master's/work where you go to school, then I'm sorry but he's just not that into you. He has already decided you're not "the one," and you would be better off breaking up now rather than dragging it out and dealing with this during law school.

More or less this.