Posting my latest LRW work, rip it to shreds so I can learn please. Forum

[RCSOB657]

K. Thanks

Affidavit in support of a motion for summary judgement. (Using Ohio's Rules of Civ Pro)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwlUFP ... sp=sharing

Motion and Memo in support.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwlUFP ... sp=sharing

BTW, I'm not asking for editing. Document was submitted before I posted this.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Is this something you've already submitted or are going to submit for a grade?

[RCSOB657]

Is this something you've already submitted or are going to submit for a grade?

already submitted, yes. This a no-no? If so delete the thread.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Why are you using the first person and addressing the judge directly?

[RCSOB657]

In the affidavit? I hope that's the only place you saw that. It was supposed to be written that way. If you saw that in the memo, damn.

[GreenEggs]

The plaintiff may very well have been as angry as a wet hen

Why are wet hens angry?

[A. Nony Mouse]

Beginning of the memo. "Your honor, the plaintiff was likely madder than a wet hen...but my client..." Etc. It was just in that part, but still.

(But yes, I'm familiar with the "madder than a wet hen" thing.)

[RCSOB657]

The plaintiff may very well have been as angry as a wet hen

Why are wet hens angry?

That was just an idiom.

Damn, thanks Anony.

[Bildungsroman]

learn to spell "judgment."

[criminaltheory]

just shooting from the hip saturday morning, but my initial impressions:

-avoid opening with idiom
-too much passive voice throughout
-"My client is being accused" is both passive and too 'first person', use the persons name or plaintiff/defendant if its the opponent.
-too many words "as codified by..." "in accordance with". It might not be bad to use them always, but the first page looks too fluffy.
-weaponize the statement of facts. reading it, i couldn't tell what side you are on. give it a structure that tells your side of the story
-simplify phrases and make it clear why you're introducing a character
-"summary judgement shall be rendered forthwith".... don't fluff up black letter law that everyone knows. just state the rule.
-weaponize argument subheadings. don't just state the goal, use "because/therefore" and the facts: Summary judgment should be granted because the relevant standard is actual knowledge and defendant did not have actual knowledge of whatever.
-the argument seemed like just a legal standard. there's little/no analysis of law to facts. show how the law you set forth applies to these facts and that under no reading of the law or analysis of the facts in the light most favorable to the non-movant could the plaintiff prevail. show an analysis of the facts in the light most favorable to the plaintiff and how it fails. remember the standard governing the motion and use it in the analysis of the facts.
-the conclusion should be a line or paragraph asking for relief or super-short summary of the agmt: Kolleng wasn't visibily intoxicated. Even taken in light most favorable, plaintiff can't prevail. therefore, SJ.

it's not a terrible brief and you'll learn structure and organization as you continue.

[RCSOB657]

thx