Maintaining a relationship as a 1L Forum

[furrrman]

Basically what the title says. How hard is this? I assume for married folks this is easier, as there is already a strong level of commitment there. What about serious/semi-serious relationships for non-married folks? Do you find time for your SO? Does it get straining? Anyone have a relationship ruined by a 1L year?

I am in a relationship right now where I see a lot of potential, and have the feeling things may start to get serious soon. I'm worried that my upcoming 1L year will wreck it.

Currently I have some good options in the area and good options far away. No decision made yet. Long distance seems daunting. Even staying in the area I don't know what would happen.

Just fishing for general thoughts/opinions, share what you want. Personal stories welcome.

[094320]

..

[akg144]

Curious about this as well....

[kd5]

It helps a lot if your SO is the kind of person who has (or can make) their own set of friends and has hobbies/sports/social stuff of their own. Anyone with an SO who's especially emotionally needy, co-dependent, etc. is going to have a harder time finding a balance between the relationship and law school.

We agreed early on that it was important that I socialize with my section, do bar review, etc. and that my husband was welcome to come to an occasional event, I needed to bond with my new classmates. So he had his own group of friends for happy hours and basketball and board game nights while I bonded with new law school friends.

If you're honest about what you're going through emotionally, stress-wise, that can help too. Some days I'd warn my husband, "I'm super stressed from school and grouchy about life today," and then he'd know that my mood wasn't anything to do with him and he'd give me some alone time to de-stress.

Set aside time. I always keep my Sundays free (even of study time) if possible, so we can hang out and go to the movies, whatever. If you don't make time and guard that time aggressively against other demands, you might end up barely seeing each other.

[kd5]

Just don't be annoying and talk only about law school

Also +100 to this.

[rad lulz]

n

[follywood]

It helps a lot if your SO is the kind of person who has (or can make) their own set of friends and has hobbies/sports/social stuff of their own. Anyone with an SO who's especially emotionally needy, co-dependent, etc. is going to have a harder time finding a balance between the relationship and law school.

We agreed early on that it was important that I socialize with my section, do bar review, etc. and that my husband was welcome to come to an occasional event, I needed to bond with my new classmates. So he had his own group of friends for happy hours and basketball and board game nights while I bonded with new law school friends.

If you're honest about what you're going through emotionally, stress-wise, that can help too. Some days I'd warn my husband, "I'm super stressed from school and grouchy about life today," and then he'd know that my mood wasn't anything to do with him and he'd give me some alone time to de-stress.

Set aside time. I always keep my Sundays free (even of study time) if possible, so we can hang out and go to the movies, whatever. If you don't make time and guard that time aggressively against other demands, you might end up barely seeing each other.

+100 to all of this. I will remember this valuable advice.

[northwood]

if it cant survive 1L, then it most likely wasn't going to survive anyways..

[northwood]

so, just make sure to be a decent person and set time aside for him/her, and don't constantly talk about law school. That, in of itself is one big benefit that you have going for you.

P.S. if you are making her/ him move away from home, be prepared to deal with those related issues.

[MKC]

so, just make sure to be a decent person and set time aside for him/her, and don't constantly talk about law school. That, in of itself is one big benefit that you have going for you.

P.S. if you are making her/ him move away from home, be prepared to deal with those related issues.

re: the bolded: A couple of months after my wife and I moved so I could attend law school, we were talking about how I would be buried when finals rolled around.

Me: It's ok honey, when I'm busting my ass on law school stuff, you can go hang out with your friends. It'll be fine.

Her: We moved so you could go to school, remember? I don't have any friends here. YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

We have a great relationship, and she's the independent type, so it's fine, but I could really see this being an issue for some people.

[Jchance]

. . . don't constantly talk about law school.

Dont talk about law schol period. S/he will NOT know what you are going thru.

[A. Nony Mouse]

. . . don't constantly talk about law school.

Dont talk about law schol period. S/he will NOT know what you are going thru.

Eh, I think it's fine to talk about law school - I'd be annoyed if my SO spent all this time on something and then wouldn't even talk to me about it at all. Just try to keep some perspective and don't make it the only thing you can talk about (or act like it's more important than anything your SO is doing).

[furrrman]

Just some gf?

You're probably gonna break up

Then you're gonna hook up w another 1L

Callin it

Gotta have faith man.

[patogordo]

. . . don't constantly talk about law school.

Dont talk about law schol period. S/he will NOT know what you are going thru.

lol it's law school not fucking treblinka

[furrrman]

It helps a lot if your SO is the kind of person who has (or can make) their own set of friends and has hobbies/sports/social stuff of their own. Anyone with an SO who's especially emotionally needy, co-dependent, etc. is going to have a harder time finding a balance between the relationship and law school.

We agreed early on that it was important that I socialize with my section, do bar review, etc. and that my husband was welcome to come to an occasional event, I needed to bond with my new classmates. So he had his own group of friends for happy hours and basketball and board game nights while I bonded with new law school friends.

If you're honest about what you're going through emotionally, stress-wise, that can help too. Some days I'd warn my husband, "I'm super stressed from school and grouchy about life today," and then he'd know that my mood wasn't anything to do with him and he'd give me some alone time to de-stress.

Set aside time. I always keep my Sundays free (even of study time) if possible, so we can hang out and go to the movies, whatever. If you don't make time and guard that time aggressively against other demands, you might end up barely seeing each other.

Thanks, this is very helpful. I will have to save this for later reference.

[tomwatts]

I've maintained a distance relationship (4-5 hours by bus, plus at least half an hour on either end getting to the station) for now three years of law school. Because of the distance, it's less about guarding an entire day for the person and more about making sure that you keep communicating every day. We text a lot (Apple's Messages app helps, because I don't have to be looking at the phone to see the message). We talk on the phone — FaceTime/Skype — a fair amount. We watch TV together (different profiles on the same Netflix account) via video call. I visit her about once a month, and she visits me more or less as often.

If you don't try fairly hard, you can go an entire week without speaking, or even longer, and then it becomes hard to keep the relationship going. But if you try, you can maintain even a distance relationship while in law school.

(It may have helped that my girlfriend started a Ph.D. program at the same time as I started law school, so she was also really busy studying.)

[treeey86]

Having gone through this myself (now a 2nd year attorney working as in-house lawyer in the entertainment industry), my best advice is to not get sucked up in the high schoolish mentality that happens to most students in law school. By that I mean you should bond with your classmates, but don't get too caught up in the cliques and petty drama. Don't join all the pointless resume boosting clubs/law school student government just because every student in law school is type A and is joining because of their insecurities in not doing anything and everything (HINT: The only club employers care about is Law Review/Moot Court/Mock Trial ---outside of that no one cares - seriously). The last 7 weeks of each 1L semester you are going to be panicking about finals, so make sure prior to that you prepare your SO for how you will behave AND during the semester prior to that you set time aside to spend with them. Doesnt matter if you feel like you are falling behind in classes or you feel like you need that extra few hours each weekend to grasp the reading, just dont do it and spend that time instead with your SO. During those last 7 weeks prior to finals you will find a way to catch up. And in the 3 weeks prior to finals you will be doing nothing but outlining/reading/studying/taking practice exams. Make your SO understand the unavailability that comes during each semester, and give them the attention they need prior to that.


Finally, and most importantly, don't blab about law school the whole time. Be a "real person," and spend time out of the house with your SO experiencing real life stuff. Try to have mutual friends outside of law school you can enjoy with your SO because your SO will feel like an outsider among your law school friends.

At the end of the day, make an honest assessment about your SO. If they are just a bf/gf, it might not be worth it to sacrifice time and grades to keep them. If you are married/engaged/or they are marriage material, then keep in mind they are your life and not school. School is there to teach you how to do a job. They are there to enjoy life with. Keep your priorities straight.

[sandiego222]

People who can't maintain a relationship, and people who act like 1L is the hardest thing in the world, are the same people who will complain for the entirety of their careers how hard and terrible the hours are.

Almost all lucrative jobs require long hours. And law school is way less of a commitment (you make your own time other than attending class) than such a job.