Long Distance Relationship in Law School Forum

[epgenius]

Hey, so I know this has been discussed before but the situations I have seen are different from mine so I'm looking for a more applicable perspective. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and I love her. We met just a month before I graduated college (after my third year) and, for the last 8 1/2 months, have been with each other with me living about 2-2 1/2 hours away, visiting her every other weekend. She's going to be graduating in June and will likely move back in with her parents who are in northern California while I'm awaiting responses from law schools across the country (I'm early at Georgetown and should hear back either today or tomorrow), including 4 schools in norcal. I want to work in government and have dreamed of living and going to school in DC or New York or Boston but, since I've been with her, I feel like my priorities have changed and I don't want to necessarily miss out on being with my soul mate to go to a good school far away. She's speculative about having a very long distance relationship, though I've stated that I'm all in (I find it stupid to break up in order to avoid breaking up eventually) and have no intentions of ending it with her. Her family is very closed-minded and she contends that the only way she could move with me is if we were engaged or something and, while I have pondered asking her, my family would probably kill me and I'm not sure that I'm ready -- financially, especially. Has anyone on here tried to have a long distance relationship while in law school and what are some unique challenges (massive study load, time differences, etc.)? I don't want to give up on my dreams but I also definitely don't want to lose her. Thanks!

[rad lulz]

I tried it. Made it though summer after sr. year and broke up 1 week after I got to school. School was 4 hours away from her. Had been dating longer than you.

HTH

[nickb285]

.

[Lacepiece23]

I'm about 6 hours away from my gf. Been dating almost 3 years. Honestly its probably for the best. Only saw her twice last semester. A lot easier to focus on school when your not worried about chasing tail every weekend. I think it can def work. We are seeing each other even less this semester. Spent a lot of time over xmas together. If you really want it to work it can, its not easy, but it can be done.

HTH

[epgenius]

I'm about 6 hours away from my gf. Been dating almost 3 years. Honestly its probably for the best. Only saw her twice last semester. A lot easier to focus on school when your not worried about chasing tail every weekend. I think it can def work. We are seeing each other even less this semester. Spent a lot of time over xmas together. If you really want it to work it can, its not easy, but it can be done.

HTH

That's really refreshing to hear man, thanks. I don't know if I'm looking into the relationship more than there actually is but I can't stand the thought of being without her... we had a much easier out when we had only been seeing each other a month and I went back home for a year but we're still going strong. I guess it's just nice to know that it can work for others if you're resilient -- do you have any advice on ways in which you've been able to balance schoolwork with your girlfriend?

[Lacepiece23]

I'm about 6 hours away from my gf. Been dating almost 3 years. Honestly its probably for the best. Only saw her twice last semester. A lot easier to focus on school when your not worried about chasing tail every weekend. I think it can def work. We are seeing each other even less this semester. Spent a lot of time over xmas together. If you really want it to work it can, its not easy, but it can be done.

HTH

That's really refreshing to hear man, thanks. I don't know if I'm looking into the relationship more than there actually is but I can't stand the thought of being without her... we had a much easier out when we had only been seeing each other a month and I went back home for a year but we're still going strong. I guess it's just nice to know that it can work for others if you're resilient -- do you have any advice on ways in which you've been able to balance schoolwork with your girlfriend?

It really just depends what type of relationship you have. LIke me and my gf really hate talking on the phone so we text a lot. I probably call her maybe 2x a week. I usually set times when she's free to text and really tried at least first semester to get my work done during the work day. After like 6 or so I might do some extra work from like supplements or something, but ussually made this a more laid back work time and allowed her to text me freely during that time. This semester we talk more because I know what's important and that I wasted a lot of time working just to work last semester.

I guess if your gf's chill and and understanding you guys are going to be fine. If she's the type to complain when she doesn't get enough attention that could be a problem. However, you should explain to her that if she really does care about you you doing well the first year of school is a good thing for both of you. You really need to have open and honest conversations and lay down ground rules. Probably the toughest thing is when your tired you might not feel like talking even if you are not busy. You really have to push through and give her the attention she deserves when you actually have the time. i know I didn't do the best job of that.

Also, I didn't have a car. So i legitimately couldn't see my gf more than those 2 times she came to visit. Its not the end of the world. If its worth it to you to pass on other girls that you might have options with then not seeing each other really shouldn't be too much of a problem.

[ManOfTheMinute]

Hey, so I know this has been discussed before but the situations I have seen are different from mine so I'm looking for a more applicable perspective. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and I love her. We met just a month before I graduated college (after my third year) and, for the last 8 1/2 months, have been with each other with me living about 2-2 1/2 hours away, visiting her every other weekend. She's going to be graduating in June and will likely move back in with her parents who are in northern California while I'm awaiting responses from law schools across the country (I'm early at Georgetown and should hear back either today or tomorrow), including 4 schools in norcal. I want to work in government and have dreamed of living and going to school in DC or New York or Boston but, since I've been with her, I feel like my priorities have changed and I don't want to necessarily miss out on being with my soul mate to go to a good school far away. She's speculative about having a very long distance relationship, though I've stated that I'm all in (I find it stupid to break up in order to avoid breaking up eventually) and have no intentions of ending it with her. Her family is very closed-minded and she contends that the only way she could move with me is if we were engaged or something and, while I have pondered asking her, my family would probably kill me and I'm not sure that I'm ready -- financially, especially. Has anyone on here tried to have a long distance relationship while in law school and what are some unique challenges (massive study load, time differences, etc.)? I don't want to give up on my dreams but I also definitely don't want to lose her. Thanks!

Norcal you say? Lemme know if you guys break up...

To be actually helpful, a close friend of mine did law school after only knowing his gf for 6 months and its been going fairly well even though they only see each other once a semester or so. It seems the key is honesty and skype...

[hephaestus]

I also live about 6 hours away from my GF. However, I do have a car. I visit every two to three weeks for the weekend. It's hard, and takes a lot of time away from work. However, it just meant a spent more time in the library during the week. For example, I'd usually stay late on Thursday doing all or most of my weekend work. I managed to make it work and did very well first semester.
I think the big key is your SO understanding that you are busy. My GF totally understands if I can't talk or text because I'm in the library. If yor SO can be ok with that, I think you'll be fine.
Also, many people's relationships did disintegrate. But I think if you both want to make it work, it will.

[seahawk32]

Long distance is a terrible idea and never works.

Beware sweeping statements. They're often (like the one above) wrong.


I've been in a happy long distance relationship for 3 years. Granted, we've lived, at the most, 5 hours away from each other and were able to see each other every other weekend. But we've made it work, and it's really not been that difficult.

We had been dating for 6 months when I left for college.

My case might not be typical, but it can certainly be done. Factors I would look for if guessing whether a new long distance might work are: 1) total time in a relationship; 2) maturity level of both parties; 3) level of commitment/dedication to the relationship; 4) distance and time to be spent apart; 5) frequency you'll be able to meet in person.

Those are general. The needs and character of your parter are also important. Their family support, need for physical intimacy, ability to communicate, etc. also matter IMO. And of course you need to evaluate yourself.

hth

[09042014]

I've done it during law school. I feel you gotta

1)Both prioritize staying away from temptation. A lot of the law school ldr's that flame out happen because one or both meet another person. A crush develops, and instead of avoiding that crush, they lie to themselves and pretend it's "just a friendship." Until they end up fucking each other.

2) Visit a lot more often than people are saying in this thread. Every 3-4 weeks or more is a good idea.

3) Have an endgame planned. Her building a career in NorCal, and you building one in DC, is just not going to work. If your plan is to be long distance forever, we'll that's probably not going to work.

4) Not sacrifice your own career plans, for hers unless you are married and doing so makes longterm sense. You gotta do what is best for your career, without regarding her. This is for a multitude of reasons. You might break up anyway, and then you are stuck at a shitty school/job for a girl who you aren't even seeing. Society still demands a man be a breadwinner, she nor her family will value your job sacrifice. She might dump you if you are unemploypwnd.

In your situation, she seemingly has nothing tieing her down. She should be the one moving. If she won't, you should probably cut the cord now, because she isn't ready to commit like you will. If her family has a problem with her living with a man, then don't have her live with you (or pretend she isn't). Have her search for a job wherever you go.

If she is already wishy washy on a long distance relationship, it won't work. And you cannot sacrifice your own future for her. Make her move. It sounds like she's got nothing else going on anyway.

[epgenius]

Hey, so I know this has been discussed before but the situations I have seen are different from mine so I'm looking for a more applicable perspective. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and I love her. We met just a month before I graduated college (after my third year) and, for the last 8 1/2 months, have been with each other with me living about 2-2 1/2 hours away, visiting her every other weekend. She's going to be graduating in June and will likely move back in with her parents who are in northern California while I'm awaiting responses from law schools across the country (I'm early at Georgetown and should hear back either today or tomorrow), including 4 schools in norcal. I want to work in government and have dreamed of living and going to school in DC or New York or Boston but, since I've been with her, I feel like my priorities have changed and I don't want to necessarily miss out on being with my soul mate to go to a good school far away. She's speculative about having a very long distance relationship, though I've stated that I'm all in (I find it stupid to break up in order to avoid breaking up eventually) and have no intentions of ending it with her. Her family is very closed-minded and she contends that the only way she could move with me is if we were engaged or something and, while I have pondered asking her, my family would probably kill me and I'm not sure that I'm ready -- financially, especially. Has anyone on here tried to have a long distance relationship while in law school and what are some unique challenges (massive study load, time differences, etc.)? I don't want to give up on my dreams but I also definitely don't want to lose her. Thanks!

Norcal you say? Lemme know if you guys break up...

To be actually helpful, a close friend of mine did law school after only knowing his gf for 6 months and its been going fairly well even though they only see each other once a semester or so. It seems the key is honesty and skype...

Haha... back off, bro...

We facetime and skype a lot, every day and every night for at least a few hours. I don't have any friends where I live at home since my family moved right after I started college and I don't have a car, and she doesn't have a lot of friends because she was a transfer student so we're fairly reliant upon one another for talking/laughing/socializing. Although we see each other fairly often every two weeks or so, we haven't spent more than 4 consecutive days together since September as I have to work in LA; which is really hard.

[nickb285]

.

[Ramsey]

Hey, so I know this has been discussed before but the situations I have seen are different from mine so I'm looking for a more applicable perspective. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and I love her. We met just a month before I graduated college (after my third year) and, for the last 8 1/2 months, have been with each other with me living about 2-2 1/2 hours away, visiting her every other weekend. She's going to be graduating in June and will likely move back in with her parents who are in northern California while I'm awaiting responses from law schools across the country (I'm early at Georgetown and should hear back either today or tomorrow), including 4 schools in norcal. I want to work in government and have dreamed of living and going to school in DC or New York or Boston but, since I've been with her, I feel like my priorities have changed and I don't want to necessarily miss out on being with my soul mate to go to a good school far away. She's speculative about having a very long distance relationship, though I've stated that I'm all in (I find it stupid to break up in order to avoid breaking up eventually) and have no intentions of ending it with her. Her family is very closed-minded and she contends that the only way she could move with me is if we were engaged or something and, while I have pondered asking her, my family would probably kill me and I'm not sure that I'm ready -- financially, especially. Has anyone on here tried to have a long distance relationship while in law school and what are some unique challenges (massive study load, time differences, etc.)? I don't want to give up on my dreams but I also definitely don't want to lose her. Thanks!

I'm Asian and my parents are VERY conservative, so I understand what kind of circumstances she's in.... My boyfriend (now my fiance) and I have been together for a little longer than 3 years and more than half of that was international long-distance. Like your girlfriend, I was initially skeptical about long distance, and honestly think it has worked only because 1) he made sacrifices and take initiatives and 2) we are sure of each other. Because I was not allowed to go see him while living under my parents' roof (I had to save to go to law school), instead he came to see me twice a year - very expensive and time-consuming given that he's a busy graduate student with limited funds. Long distance relationship is hard, and it seems like you will have to do far more work (at least initially) to keep it working. Unfair I know, but that's what it seems like from reading your post.

I am not sure whether her parents are culturally conservative (i.e. Asian parents) or just conservative, but in the first case, it will be very hard for Americans to really understand and you guys will probably often fight over this (we did, and almost broke up several times). Chances are that you can't expect some kind of mid-way compromise but you will have to adjust, because the other side (i.e. strict and conservative Asian parents) won't even budge. Even after he is "approved" by my family and everyone knows that we are getting married, I cannot go see him because that involves my "staying over".

[nealric]

I did long distance for two years in law school. Got engaged after 2L year and married after the bar exam.

It can be done, but I won't tell you it was easy.

[peachfaced]

if you love her, ask her to marry you. don't let finances get in the way of your love, you'll get through it. otherwise, be prepared to end it. i married my husband when we were both students-- broke and and young. we've been married now for 5 years and, although it's been tough (he is in medical school and i will be starting law school), I thank God for making the right decision. IF YOU LOVE HER => MARRY HER

[Xifeng]

I've done it during law school. I feel you gotta

1)Both prioritize staying away from temptation. A lot of the law school ldr's that flame out happen because one or both meet another person. A crush develops, and instead of avoiding that crush, they lie to themselves and pretend it's "just a friendship." Until they end up fucking each other.

2) Visit a lot more often than people are saying in this thread. Every 3-4 weeks or more is a good idea.

3) Have an endgame planned. Her building a career in NorCal, and you building one in DC, is just not going to work. If your plan is to be long distance forever, we'll that's probably not going to work.

4) Not sacrifice your own career plans, for hers unless you are married and doing so makes longterm sense. You gotta do what is best for your career, without regarding her. This is for a multitude of reasons. You might break up anyway, and then you are stuck at a shitty school/job for a girl who you aren't even seeing. Society still demands a man be a breadwinner, she nor her family will value your job sacrifice. She might dump you if you are unemploypwnd.

In your situation, she seemingly has nothing tieing her down. She should be the one moving. If she won't, you should probably cut the cord now, because she isn't ready to commit like you will. If her family has a problem with her living with a man, then don't have her live with you (or pretend she isn't). Have her search for a job wherever you go.

If she is already wishy washy on a long distance relationship, it won't work. And you cannot sacrifice your own future for her. Make her move. It sounds like she's got nothing else going on anyway.

Gonna +1 #1 and #3 especially. Hell, non-LDRs in law school die because someone "meets someone new" and it all goes to shit. You're just extra susceptible when it's a LDR. What gets you through the LDR is knowing it's going to end, and knowing when it's going to happen makes it possible.

I really don't see how jumping into an engagement just because you love her would make things better. Engagements/marriages fail too, and if you aren't committed enough to handle long distance you just aren't that committed.

[guinness1547]

I tried it. Made it though summer after sr. year and broke up 1 week after I got to school. School was 4 hours away from her. Had been dating longer than you.

HTH

+1, give or take.

[epgenius]

Hey, so I know this has been discussed before but the situations I have seen are different from mine so I'm looking for a more applicable perspective. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and I love her. We met just a month before I graduated college (after my third year) and, for the last 8 1/2 months, have been with each other with me living about 2-2 1/2 hours away, visiting her every other weekend. She's going to be graduating in June and will likely move back in with her parents who are in northern California while I'm awaiting responses from law schools across the country (I'm early at Georgetown and should hear back either today or tomorrow), including 4 schools in norcal. I want to work in government and have dreamed of living and going to school in DC or New York or Boston but, since I've been with her, I feel like my priorities have changed and I don't want to necessarily miss out on being with my soul mate to go to a good school far away. She's speculative about having a very long distance relationship, though I've stated that I'm all in (I find it stupid to break up in order to avoid breaking up eventually) and have no intentions of ending it with her. Her family is very closed-minded and she contends that the only way she could move with me is if we were engaged or something and, while I have pondered asking her, my family would probably kill me and I'm not sure that I'm ready -- financially, especially. Has anyone on here tried to have a long distance relationship while in law school and what are some unique challenges (massive study load, time differences, etc.)? I don't want to give up on my dreams but I also definitely don't want to lose her. Thanks!

I'm Asian and my parents are VERY conservative, so I understand what kind of circumstances she's in.... My boyfriend (now my fiance) and I have been together for a little longer than 3 years and more than half of that was international long-distance. Like your girlfriend, I was initially skeptical about long distance, and honestly think it has worked only because 1) he made sacrifices and take initiatives and 2) we are sure of each other. Because I was not allowed to go see him while living under my parents' roof (I had to save to go to law school), instead he came to see me twice a year - very expensive and time-consuming given that he's a busy graduate student with limited funds. Long distance relationship is hard, and it seems like you will have to do far more work (at least initially) to keep it working. Unfair I know, but that's what it seems like from reading your post.

I am not sure whether her parents are culturally conservative (i.e. Asian parents) or just conservative, but in the first case, it will be very hard for Americans to really understand and you guys will probably often fight over this (we did, and almost broke up several times). Chances are that you can't expect some kind of mid-way compromise but you will have to adjust, because the other side (i.e. strict and conservative Asian parents) won't even budge. Even after he is "approved" by my family and everyone knows that we are getting married, I cannot go see him because that involves my "staying over".

Her parents are Catholic and, although she's agnostic, she's an only child and they carry a huge amount of sway over her -- apparently they wouldn't stand for us living together without the promise of a lifetime commitment there. I don't know if I'm naive but I would gladly ask her to marry me or give her a lifetime commitment if I felt comfortable with my financial situation. I very well might be taking on $100,000 in debt or more on top of $40,000 from UG and I don't want to be such a burden from the get-go that we can't have a life that I feel she deserves. It's almost strange the lack of doubt I have or, at least, the impetus I feel to just ask her but I have this nagging feeling that I should be feeling like I'd be missing out on something -- it's hard to explain but I don't feel like I'm reacting to the prospect of marriage like a 22 year old should and that makes me uneasy; not that I have cold feet.

[Dmini7]

I will give you some insight for what I have experienced. Note: I am a 0L

I am 19-21 years old and engaged (Don't want to completely out myself). For the past three years I have been doing long distance with my now fiance. Her family is really religious, so obviously she can't live with me until we are married. Anyways, long distance is possible as long as you both know what your getting into and are committed people. I find the latter to be easy to find in someone who is truly religious, as they usually date with the purpose of finding a spouse. The first year of long distance is pretty rough, but its bearable. Thankfully there is always skype, and texting to keep people connected. I won't go into detail with how I plan to determine where I go to school because my situation will be a little different than yours as I am in a committed long term relationship. I will say though that 10 months is probably not long enough to legitimately feel you should give up your career goals and the strength of your degree granting school for someone else. You are just reaching the point where you start to learn about them. Things that use to seem cute now will seem annoying. You have passed the infatuation phase, and you are about to see if you guys can really make it work. I can personally say that you will be much happier when around her and probably will do better in school if your relationship is as serious as you say it is. Obviously the first choice is getting into a T14 (Berkeley/Stanford if you can) but if you are suggesting turning down Georgetown for a norcal school like UoPacific, Santa Clara or Davis(not a full tuition+stipend) I would say you are insane. You should really discuss with her where she stands on moving or long distance.

[FeelTheHeat]

I've done it during law school. I feel you gotta

1)Both prioritize staying away from temptation. A lot of the law school ldr's that flame out happen because one or both meet another person. A crush develops, and instead of avoiding that crush, they lie to themselves and pretend it's "just a friendship." Until they end up fucking each other.

2) Visit a lot more often than people are saying in this thread. Every 3-4 weeks or more is a good idea.

3) Have an endgame planned. Her building a career in NorCal, and you building one in DC, is just not going to work. If your plan is to be long distance forever, we'll that's probably not going to work.

4) Not sacrifice your own career plans, for hers unless you are married and doing so makes longterm sense. You gotta do what is best for your career, without regarding her. This is for a multitude of reasons. You might break up anyway, and then you are stuck at a shitty school/job for a girl who you aren't even seeing. Society still demands a man be a breadwinner, she nor her family will value your job sacrifice. She might dump you if you are unemploypwnd.

In your situation, she seemingly has nothing tieing her down. She should be the one moving. If she won't, you should probably cut the cord now, because she isn't ready to commit like you will. If her family has a problem with her living with a man, then don't have her live with you (or pretend she isn't). Have her search for a job wherever you go.

If she is already wishy washy on a long distance relationship, it won't work. And you cannot sacrifice your own future for her. Make her move. It sounds like she's got nothing else going on anyway.

Gonna +1 #1 and #3 especially. Hell, non-LDRs in law school die because someone "meets someone new" and it all goes to shit. You're just extra susceptible when it's a LDR. What gets you through the LDR is knowing it's going to end, and knowing when it's going to happen makes it possible.

I really don't see how jumping into an engagement just because you love her would make things better. Engagements/marriages fail too, and if you aren't committed enough to handle long distance you just aren't that committed.

I'll echo this. Can't emphasize enough the importance of having an end goal and staying away from temptations. It's certainly possible to succeed at them; my girlfriend and I live four hours apart, and I'm a 2L. I see her ever 2-4 weeks, and I feel great about things.

Regardless, DF put it well, and I don't have much to add other than it's definitely possible.

[BerkeleyBear]

OP, haven't you been dating for less than a year? And like 75% of that time you've already been a couple hours apart? DON'T DO IT BRO. Don't get married yet. DON'T FOLLOW IN THE SHITBOOMERS FOOTSTEPS. Try the long distance or go to a CA LS. HTH

[qwertyboard]

I think it is also very important that if you are going to be with her during law school you should have a very serious conversation about what to expect.

I'll be like 2500 miles away from my GF. I told her I have no intention of starting another relationship and that I would rather be with her and try to see if it works. We will try to make it work but I have warned already of how brutally neglected she could feel the next 3 years-at least. I told her that even if she was living 5 minutes away from me we wouldn't be able to spend as much time like we do now. We have also talk about what she could expect from me if I get a decent job (long hours, canceling dinners, etc.). I also told her I don't want to hold her from achieving her dreams and that this was probably a good time for her to selfishly pursue her goals.

Also, outside pressure is not a good reason to get married.

[jetsfan1]

tag to read later

[smittytron3k]

Had a long-distance (opposite coasts) fiancee for 1.5ish years in LS (we lived together for about 6 months before I left for school). We survived 1L (she was a college senior when I was a 1L) but could not survive the combination of me doing law school and her doing TFA (although we might have stuck through a rough patch but for the unexpected death of a close mutual friend in November of 2L year). Happy to take more questions by PM. I still think it's possible with the right couple but it's very, very, very difficult.

[xjustyoursmile]

I did a long distance in undergrad and will be continuing the same relationship into law school. We dated for about 9 months before undergrad and now we're going on four years next month. I'm also most likely going to go to GULC and my boyfriend and I have discussed this. Since he has his own dreams, we decided to go for our own dreams but both end up in California. I don't know how law school will treat our relationship, but we were able to go through undergrad with a long distance relationships.

Like another person in this thread said, it won't be easy but it's possible.

PM me if you want to talk some more. (:

EDIT:

I also think it's not a good idea to get married, especially with such a young relationship, but I disagree with a lot of people that she should move for you. Everyone has their own dreams to persue and if she wants to try a career etc and she specifically wants to do that in California, if you really love her, you'll understand that and accept it. I agree that you should have an endgame ("both of us end up in California" etc), but expecting her to leave everything just for you is just silly unless you guys have been dating forever, both want to start a family asap, or really are ready to get married. I'm not asking my boyfriend to move for me, I suggested it, but it's not a requirement. By treating him like he has his own dreams and by letting him have space to make his own decisions about his future, our long-distance relationship works well because we're both not stressed about 'settling down' quite yet but we know we want to end up together.