Law school with a spouse Forum

[A. Nony Mouse]

I guess I've never really understood how that matters when someone's happy in their current relationship. I don't mean that to sound judgy, though I realize it does - I just figure, people in relationships have to deal with other people, including attractive members of the desired sex, all the time, and if that's a problem, that's on the marriage, not on law school. What you describe seems more a function of leaving the military (and assumptions in military marriages) than a function of law school itself.

But this will probably take me down a rabbit hole that's not fair to the OP.

[BigZuck]

I really do not get at all why people think law school is a stress in a marriage, any more than just life is stress on a marriage. And wtf is the idea that he'll be more "tempted and pursued" because he's in law school?

In the military(or, at least in the infantry) we spend 90% of our time around 175k, 18-22 year old males in peak physical condition. The only exposure to females are spouses, strippers, tag chasers, and the daughter of officers. That makes it easier for our spouses to cope with our absence (one less stressor), and makes us much, much less likely to take our spouse for granted. My wife was literally the smartest, most put together woman I knew.

Come law school, at least where I went, about half the class was women, all very intelligent, two-thirds single, most attractive, and many all of the above. That leads even a healthy relationship to have two problems. 1. Now when I'm spending 8 plus hours with, and sharing stressful experiences with, both men and women. That's stressful for her because now all those discrete friendships laced with shop talk she doesn't understand and events she'll never be a part of become suspicious. Meanwhile, for the first time in more than four years, I'm interacting with multiple women my age who I admire intellectually and personally. It's easy to catch a mutual crush or two, and even if it's never consummated, after a few semesters of studying together, relying on each other, having fun together, and subconsciously comparing my wife to her the damage is already done

Why in the world would you choose to hang out with law students?

This is all kinda your bad bro, it's not law school's bad.

[NoBladesNoBows]

[OLitch]

I really do not get at all why people think law school is a stress in a marriage, any more than just life is stress on a marriage. And wtf is the idea that he'll be more "tempted and pursued" because he's in law school?

In the military(or, at least in the infantry) we spend 90% of our time around 175k, 18-22 year old males in peak physical condition. The only exposure to females are spouses, strippers, tag chasers, and the daughter of officers. That makes it easier for our spouses to cope with our absence (one less stressor), and makes us much, much less likely to take our spouse for granted. My wife was literally the smartest, most put together woman I knew.

Come law school, at least where I went, about half the class was women, all very intelligent, two-thirds single, most attractive, and many all of the above. That leads even a healthy relationship to have two problems. 1. Now when I'm spending 8 plus hours with, and sharing stressful experiences with, both men and women. That's stressful for her because now all those discrete friendships laced with shop talk she doesn't understand and events she'll never be a part of become suspicious. Meanwhile, for the first time in more than four years, I'm interacting with multiple women my age who I admire intellectually and personally. It's easy to catch a mutual crush or two, and even if it's never consummated, after a few semesters of studying together, relying on each other, having fun together, and subconsciously comparing my wife to her the damage is already done

I take it you don't have much experience with coed deployments. The what-happens-on-deployment-stays-on-deployment mentality is standard issue. The spouses back home are no different.

[SemperLegal]

I guess I've never really understood how that matters when someone's happy in their current relationship. I don't mean that to sound judgy, though I realize it does - I just figure, people in relationships have to deal with other people, including attractive members of the desired sex, all the time, and if that's a problem, that's on the marriage, not on law school. What you describe seems more a function of leaving the military (and assumptions in military marriages) than a function of law school itself.

But this will probably take me down a rabbit hole that's not fair to the OP.

OP seems to be in a similar boat, just trying to keep him from getting complacent now that the "hard part" is over. Military marriages tend to develop certain patterns, strengths, and coping mechanisms. Law school is pretty diametrically opposed, so it ends up being stressful.

[SemperLegal]

I really do not get at all why people think law school is a stress in a marriage, any more than just life is stress on a marriage. And wtf is the idea that he'll be more "tempted and pursued" because he's in law school?

In the military(or, at least in the infantry) we spend 90% of our time around 175k, 18-22 year old males in peak physical condition. The only exposure to females are spouses, strippers, tag chasers, and the daughter of officers. That makes it easier for our spouses to cope with our absence (one less stressor), and makes us much, much less likely to take our spouse for granted. My wife was literally the smartest, most put together woman I knew.

Come law school, at least where I went, about half the class was women, all very intelligent, two-thirds single, most attractive, and many all of the above. That leads even a healthy relationship to have two problems. 1. Now when I'm spending 8 plus hours with, and sharing stressful experiences with, both men and women. That's stressful for her because now all those discrete friendships laced with shop talk she doesn't understand and events she'll never be a part of become suspicious. Meanwhile, for the first time in more than four years, I'm interacting with multiple women my age who I admire intellectually and personally. It's easy to catch a mutual crush or two, and even if it's never consummated, after a few semesters of studying together, relying on each other, having fun together, and subconsciously comparing my wife to her the damage is already done

I take it you don't have much experience with coed deployments. The what-happens-on-deployment-stays-on-deployment mentality is standard issue. The spouses back home are no different.

Back in my day, if it was coed, it wasn't a deployment, just a long, distasteful TAD.

Grumble grumble old corps.

[84651846190]

Ugh, this entire thread makes me want to take a shower. Law people are disgusting.

If you get into a relationship with an attorney, you're going to have a shitty life. I don't know any dual-attorney relationships that are happy.

[FutureLitigator]

Being married for three years, I can tell you that it is a huge advantage. Atleast for me it is, (speaking about UG). I mean, you don't need to chase sex around, women for that matter. Have a friend you always hang out with, have someone to motivate you, and have someone you discuss everything with. Not to mention, extra study time because laundry, food, shopping, cleaning, etc will all be taken care of, lol. (not to be rude, my wife loves to do those things and won't let me do any of it!)

Don't get me wrong, you have to be married to the right person. Someone wrote LS will cause problems in your relationship because of a crush here and there. There is no person I meet on the daily that is better looking and as intelligent as my wife is. Not in a cocky way, i'm just saying, if I see a girl I "Crush" on, I realize how much smarter (and I sure as hell know how much more hard-working) my wife is, hence, it is irrelevant that I happen to think she looks good. So, like I said, it is about being married to the right person for you, if you find that person, HUGE advantage.

[Gray]

.

[Hand]

laundry, food, shopping, cleaning, etc will all be taken care of, lol. (not to be rude, my wife loves to do those things and won't let me do any of it!)

yeah women just love that stuff, must be something genetic!!!

JFC

[SemperLegal]

Cosign spouse as huge advantage. Mr. Gray is GOAT and I wouldn't remotely have my shit together without him.

I'm not saying it's not TCR for the law student/life, it's just harder on the spouse and the relationship then OP seems to think.

[First Offense]

Cosign spouse as huge advantage. Mr. Gray is GOAT and I wouldn't remotely have my shit together without him.

I'm not saying it's not TCR for the law student/life, it's just harder on the spouse and the relationship then OP seems to think.

Eh... I really disagree. Its no worse than working full time, and probably easier if you stop gunning after 1L. If your relationship can't survive law school, that shit was doomed to fail anyway.

[Gray]

.

[SemperLegal]

Cosign spouse as huge advantage. Mr. Gray is GOAT and I wouldn't remotely have my shit together without him.

I'm not saying it's not TCR for the law student/life, it's just harder on the spouse and the relationship then OP seems to think.

Eh... I really disagree. Its no worse than working full time, and probably easier if you stop gunning after 1L. If your relationship can't survive law school, that shit was doomed to fail anyway.

Yeah I mean it depends on your spouse to some extent - mine is really understanding and chill (and helpful w/r/t things like cleaning and doing laundry and feeding me when I'm super busy). TBH 1L has not been remotely stressful for us. I can see it being different with different personality types, but both of us are really easygoing, so it's been totally fine.

I wouldn't get complacent. It's a surprising strain when it's for three years, it's not readily apparent that your actually "super busy," and you start having to make concrete life limiting choices.

I'm not saying your doomed, I'm saying keep checking in with him to make sure easy going doesn't turn into disengaged and helpful don't flirt with resentful.

[SemperLegal]

Cosign spouse as huge advantage. Mr. Gray is GOAT and I wouldn't remotely have my shit together without him.

I'm not saying it's not TCR for the law student/life, it's just harder on the spouse and the relationship then OP seems to think.

Eh... I really disagree. Its no worse than working full time, and probably easier if you stop gunning after 1L. If your relationship can't survive law school, that shit was doomed to fail anyway.

It's different. I've done civilian work, ug, unemployment, military, and LS with a SO, and the transition isn't as easy as you think. Two huge challenges of law school:

a) one spouse is working to earn an income, the other is spending $50k a year not to. That creates some resentment for everyone, especially when the student tries to be frugal.

b) My spouse understood, even if she didn't like, me missing dinner or social events for deployments or long work hours. It's harder for her not to take it personally when there's no concrete deadline/authority figure causing me to miss things. It's even worse when my commitments seem like they might be fun to outsiders (I.e. Anything OCI related other than the screeners, mock/moot, some journal/clinic work).

Again, not saying it's impossible, but that if, like a startling number of law students, you aren't awoke to the challenges of going back to school as a nonsingle, you might have to be awoke to the challenges of going back to work unmarried.

[carmensandiego]

Ugh, this entire thread makes me want to take a shower. Law people are disgusting.

If you get into a relationship with an attorney, you're going to have a shitty life. I don't know any dual-attorney relationships that are happy.

I'm surprised no one else responded to this, but I totally agree. No offense to anyone in these forums who are married/dating fellow LS students or attorneys, but I just couldn't. While I'm not married, I live with my SO and having him work in a totally different career is something that I admire and find necessary - If I had to talk about law and that it includes at home and at work, I'd be miserable.

Maybe it is for that above reason that I never find someone at my LS "attractive" enough to bat an eye, or maybe I'm just mature enough to keep my feelings for my SO all there. Regardless, I think if you start to stray from your SO, it's not law school's fault, it is your very own.

[patentlitigatrix]

Ugh, this entire thread makes me want to take a shower. Law people are disgusting.

If you get into a relationship with an attorney, you're going to have a shitty life. I don't know any dual-attorney relationships that are happy.

I'm surprised no one else responded to this, but I totally agree. No offense to anyone in these forums who are married/dating fellow LS students or attorneys, but I just couldn't. While I'm not married, I live with my SO and having him work in a totally different career is something that I admire and find necessary - If I had to talk about law and that it includes at home and at work, I'd be miserable.

Maybe it is for that above reason that I never find someone at my LS "attractive" enough to bat an eye, or maybe I'm just mature enough to keep my feelings for my SO all there. Regardless, I think if you start to stray from your SO, it's not law school's fault, it is your very own.

This should be readily apparent. Blows my mind that it is not.

[NoBladesNoBows]

[SemperLegal]

Ugh, this entire thread makes me want to take a shower. Law people are disgusting.

If you get into a relationship with an attorney, you're going to have a shitty life. I don't know any dual-attorney relationships that are happy.

I'm surprised no one else responded to this, but I totally agree. No offense to anyone in these forums who are married/dating fellow LS students or attorneys, but I just couldn't. While I'm not married, I live with my SO and having him work in a totally different career is something that I admire and find necessary - If I had to talk about law and that it includes at home and at work, I'd be miserable.

Maybe it is for that above reason that I never find someone at my LS "attractive" enough to bat an eye, or maybe I'm just mature enough to keep my feelings for my SO all there. Regardless, I think if you start to stray from your SO, it's not law school's fault, it is your very own.

First of, none of the very many law school dicorcees I know cheated. But if you think that infidelity is the only (or even biggest) threat to a marriage, you are mistaken.

You are hitting on the issue. People don't talk about law school or the law with thief spouse in the same way other professionals do (because lay people find it dumb, infuriating, or boring and we have to talk about it all day). Meanwhile, you spend most of your waking hours (between class, journal, studying, and extra curricular) discussing not only the 'law, but also economics, politics, core beliefs, and views of the future with classmates who are mostly successful and intelligent.

Most outgoing, rational people will start to form close friendships, or at least high levels of respect, for some of their classmates and will naturally self select to spend more time together through shared classes, clubs, sports, and events. Mix those feelings with some physical attraction and shared stressors and thrills, and you're well on your way to an emotional affair.

At the same time, unless you are trying your hardest, you and your spouse will become more distant. They resent you a little bit for being in school and expanding your horizons while they work, and your views on the world have (hopefully) shifted. It's very easy to wake up and realize that you drifted a little further from each other, and a little closer to your respective support network. That's a hard thing to recover, hence the high divorce rate.

[NoBladesNoBows]

[A. Nony Mouse]

I honestly don't agree that law school is in any way uniquely stressful to a marriage. Stress is stressful, and at times law school is stressful (but it's not the insanely uniquely stressful thing that many people make it out to be). But law school isn't really the problem.

And yeah, actually, I do think that if you're not going to cheat, you don't cheat. Cheating is on the individual, not on the circumstances.

But I also find kind of odd the idea that law school has uniquely smart and interesting people you wouldn't have otherwise encountered and therefore they're more tempting.

[NoBladesNoBows]

[carmensandiego]

Ugh, this entire thread makes me want to take a shower. Law people are disgusting.

If you get into a relationship with an attorney, you're going to have a shitty life. I don't know any dual-attorney relationships that are happy.

I'm surprised no one else responded to this, but I totally agree. No offense to anyone in these forums who are married/dating fellow LS students or attorneys, but I just couldn't. While I'm not married, I live with my SO and having him work in a totally different career is something that I admire and find necessary - If I had to talk about law and that it includes at home and at work, I'd be miserable.

Maybe it is for that above reason that I never find someone at my LS "attractive" enough to bat an eye, or maybe I'm just mature enough to keep my feelings for my SO all there. Regardless, I think if you start to stray from your SO, it's not law school's fault, it is your very own.

First of, none of the very many law school dicorcees I know cheated. But if you think that infidelity is the only (or even biggest) threat to a marriage, you are mistaken.

You are hitting on the issue. People don't talk about law school or the law with thief spouse in the same way other professionals do (because lay people find it dumb, infuriating, or boring and we have to talk about it all day). Meanwhile, you spend most of your waking hours (between class, journal, studying, and extra curricular) discussing not only the 'law, but also economics, politics, core beliefs, and views of the future with classmates who are mostly successful and intelligent.

Most outgoing, rational people will start to form close friendships, or at least high levels of respect, for some of their classmates and will naturally self select to spend more time together through shared classes, clubs, sports, and events. Mix those feelings with some physical attraction and shared stressors and thrills, and you're well on your way to an emotional affair.

At the same time, unless you are trying your hardest, you and your spouse will become more distant. They resent you a little bit for being in school and expanding your horizons while they work, and your views on the world have (hopefully) shifted. It's very easy to wake up and realize that you drifted a little further from each other, and a little closer to your respective support network. That's a hard thing to recover, hence the high divorce rate.

I mean, doesn't that just reiterate my point that it is about maturity?

Entertain this: You will literally be surrounded by smart educated people from LS until you retire, congrats you picked a career that takes a high level of education and a decent amount of intelligence. And lets face it, people who are highly educated and/or intelligent, also take care of themselves so they are attractive. Usually the right combination of intelligence and education equates a level of charisma and ability to socialize with people around you. All of these above things are NOT unique to the LS experience, they are ordinary to any professional degree program and professional work climate.

So you're telling me you won't run into social, attractive, and smart people your first day as an associate? Wrong. You will. If you continue to think that LS is the reason why people cheat and have divorces, that is nonsense. People cheat and have divorces because they are not at the right maturity level to be in the relationship that they wrongfully put themselves in. Blaming LS or any sort of professional climate is not the answer. And even if you are right, join a career with unintelligent uglies and people of your same sex, I don't know what to tell you buddy.

[lymenheimer]

Entertain this: You will literally be surrounded by smart educated people from LS until you retire, congrats you picked a career that takes a high level of education and a decent amount of intelligence. And lets face it, people who are highly educated and/or intelligent, also take care of themselves so they are attractive. Usually the right combination of intelligence and education equates a level of charisma and ability to socialize with people around you. All of these above things are NOT unique to the LS experience, they are ordinary to any professional degree program and professional work climate.

Counterargument: DF

sorry DF

[carmensandiego]

Entertain this: You will literally be surrounded by smart educated people from LS until you retire, congrats you picked a career that takes a high level of education and a decent amount of intelligence. And lets face it, people who are highly educated and/or intelligent, also take care of themselves so they are attractive. Usually the right combination of intelligence and education equates a level of charisma and ability to socialize with people around you. All of these above things are NOT unique to the LS experience, they are ordinary to any professional degree program and professional work climate.

Counterargument: DF

sorry DF

DF? Speak to me in abbreviations I understand. I'm an old woman, Lymen, so I basically only understand lol or jk.