Long Distance Relationship in Law School Forum

[09042014]

I did a long distance in undergrad and will be continuing the same relationship into law school. We dated for about 9 months before undergrad and now we're going on four years next month. I'm also most likely going to go to GULC and my boyfriend and I have discussed this. Since he has his own dreams, we decided to go for our own dreams but both end up in California. I don't know how law school will treat our relationship, but we were able to go through undergrad with a long distance relationships.

Like another person in this thread said, it won't be easy but it's possible.

PM me if you want to talk some more. (:

I think LD leaving UG is a lot bigger risk than for adults who have established themselves. People are still changing, and ending school and becoming a real adult is a big change.

[xjustyoursmile]

I did a long distance in undergrad and will be continuing the same relationship into law school. We dated for about 9 months before undergrad and now we're going on four years next month. I'm also most likely going to go to GULC and my boyfriend and I have discussed this. Since he has his own dreams, we decided to go for our own dreams but both end up in California. I don't know how law school will treat our relationship, but we were able to go through undergrad with a long distance relationships.

Like another person in this thread said, it won't be easy but it's possible.

PM me if you want to talk some more. (:

I think LD leaving UG is a lot bigger risk than for adults who have established themselves. People are still changing, and ending school and becoming a real adult is a big change.

I'm mentioning my situation because I believe OP said that he's out of undergrad recently while his girlfriend is still in undergrad. That's exactly where my boyfriend and I are at now (I just left and he's still in school).

I don't know about riskier or not, but my relationship has been going very well other than the occasional and typical fights couples have.

[fallingup]

I don't think engagement or marriage is necessary to survive long distance, but different people require different things to feel secure. Your relationship is pretty new so that's probably why she'd feel safer if you made that marriage commitment before moving away. That doesn't mean you should do it, though. I think you should let things happen naturally, rather than letting the distance force things. I'm not saying she isn't the one for you - I just don't think anxiety or fear of separation are good reasons to get engaged and it sounds like that's what's motivating her. I also think it's sort of weird that her family is so involved in her decisionmaking. You guys sound happy together but she does sound pretty young and not ready for marriage.

[xjustyoursmile]

I don't think engagement or marriage is necessary to survive long distance, but different people require different things to feel secure. Your relationship is pretty new so that's probably why she'd feel safer if you made that marriage commitment before moving away. That doesn't mean you should do it, though. I think you should let things happen naturally, rather than letting the distance force things. I'm not saying she isn't the one for you - I just don't think anxiety or fear of separation are good reasons to get engaged and it sounds like that's what's motivating her. I also think it's sort of weird that her family is so involved in her decisionmaking. You guys sound happy together but she does sound pretty young and not ready for marriage.

[09042014]

Definitely don't rush into marriage.

[FeelTheHeat]

I did a long distance in undergrad and will be continuing the same relationship into law school. We dated for about 9 months before undergrad and now we're going on four years next month. I'm also most likely going to go to GULC and my boyfriend and I have discussed this. Since he has his own dreams, we decided to go for our own dreams but both end up in California. I don't know how law school will treat our relationship, but we were able to go through undergrad with a long distance relationships.

Like another person in this thread said, it won't be easy but it's possible.

PM me if you want to talk some more. (:

I think LD leaving UG is a lot bigger risk than for adults who have established themselves. People are still changing, and ending school and becoming a real adult is a big change.

I'm noticing this.

[09042014]

The how risky is your LD relationship

Tour in Afghanistan (your wife is definitely getting fucked, sorry GI Joe) > her dad left her as a kid > Long period in a romance language country > from HS to College > from college to real life > real life > fat chick with a low self esteem male.

[Xifeng]

The how risky is your LD relationship

Tour in Afghanistan (your wife is definitely getting fucked, sorry GI Joe) > her dad left her as a kid > Long period in a romance language country > from HS to College > from college to real life > real life > fat chick with a low self esteem male.

[jetsfan1]

Im a 0L in UG with a LDR, and just one helpful hint i would suggest is doing study skype sessions. She is in school too, and when we are both really busy with work we will bring up skype, not really talk at all besides saying hi, and leave it up while we study. Its nice looking up and seeing shes there, allows us to make time for each other while still focusing on our work.

Will say the whole friend thing has been a bit of an issue, and the problem was we had different boundaries for what was acceptable (not saying one of us was right/wrong, just different opinions). I think its important to first and foremost to be openly honest with each other and secondly, agree on boundaries with other people, where that line is. That is very important.

I'm one of those overly romantic soul mate dumbasses btw, so i think LDRs can work if its meant to be. But the biggest thing they do is highlight and stress the problems in your relationship. Not that they are insurmountable, but theres a lot of stuff/problems that dont come out when your together that do in LDR. Good luck OP (and everyone else on here in an LDR haha)

[oliverlovesyou]

I'm a 1L and have been in a LD relationship. 1,100 miles. So far, so good. We talk on the phone every day. I would recommend against it though, unless you are very, very certain you can do it. My boyfriend is a very level-headed, calm, and emotionally stable guy. If your girlfriend is not at least two of those three things, you could be in for more drama than you want when trying to make it through 1L.

[DildaMan]

I'm a 2L and have been in a LDR for four years. We're on opposite coasts but we try to visit at least once a month, barring any exams or finals. It's really not that big on an issue unless one of you has a lot of free time. This causes a lot of over-thinking. Sending a steady supply of chocolates and flowers works wonders, but if it isn't a pretty strong relationship to start with, LD will kill it.

[sabanist]

I was in a failed LDR (caveat: UG, not law school), and I found that this advice was the best and truest I had ever read.

http://dearcoquette.com/post/1049146039 ... g-distance

I’m trying a long-distance relationship for the first time. I really care about the girl, but I have always had a hard time keeping it in my pants. I’ve never really cheated - but in this instance I feel like it might eventually happen. Got any advice?


You’re asking a woman who is at this very moment doing her level fucking best to execute a dignified and graceful resolution to a loving and devoted long distance relationship that has, at least for now, run its course.

Bad timing, shitbird. I’m about to fuck up your whole world.

A long distance relationship isn’t something you casually try for the first time like Thai food or anal sex. A long distance relationship is something you do because you absolutely motherfuckingly have to, and it’s bittersweet and painful and unbearable and you can’t live without it, which I suppose is still pretty much like Thai food or anal sex, but you get my point.

If all you can say is, “I really care about the girl,” that isn’t even close to enough. You better love that crazy bitch with every last ounce of douche you’ve got coursing through your veins. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up to fail.

And what’s all this about eventually cheating? Quit planning to fuck up. Fidelity isn’t inversely proportional to distance, asshole. There are no teen sex comedy loopholes in real life.

Feel free to work out an open arrangement, but if you decide to go traditional, you better have the requisite integrity. Keep it in your motherfucking pants, or be honest about the fact that you can’t. It’s that simple.

I just spent a solid, passionate year loving someone across hundreds of miles of pacific coast highway. It was the loneliest year of my life, punctuated by the most blissed-out orgiastic episodes of heroin-grade happiness I’ve ever known.

It’s an unnatural thing to maintain burning desire at a distance. You’ve gotta be an emotional athlete to handle the highs and lows. It requires a heart that’s pure and strong, and brother, I don’t think you’re in shape for it.

I’d wish you good luck, but it’d be wasted on your weak-ass shit. Long distance is for hardcore motherfuckers on fire.

You ain’t ready.

And don't rush engagement or marriage.

[fallingup]

Is that from Coquette? Literally all of her advice is so on point.

[alex.feuerman]

I'm about 6 hours away from my gf. Been dating almost 3 years. Honestly its probably for the best. Only saw her twice last semester. A lot easier to focus on school when your not worried about chasing tail every weekend. I think it can def work. We are seeing each other even less this semester. Spent a lot of time over xmas together. If you really want it to work it can, its not easy, but it can be done.

HTH

The above is not a relationship.
If the endgame is marriage, then you're in for a shit show when you finally live together. You basically know nothing about how to live, or even BE with this person you call your girlfriend. I'll tell you the hardest part about marriage is simply the fact that you have to share your space and time with someone that has separate and individual interests and desires.

OP, if you love her, marry her. I understand the financial concerns, you could also propose so her parents are ok with you guys living together, and tell everyone you will marry after LS when you have a stable job. And if you don't feel that way, let her go.

[alex.feuerman]

I was in a failed LDR (caveat: UG, not law school), and I found that this advice was the best and truest I had ever read.

http://dearcoquette.com/post/1049146039 ... g-distance

I’m trying a long-distance relationship for the first time. I really care about the girl, but I have always had a hard time keeping it in my pants. I’ve never really cheated - but in this instance I feel like it might eventually happen. Got any advice?


You’re asking a woman who is at this very moment doing her level fucking best to execute a dignified and graceful resolution to a loving and devoted long distance relationship that has, at least for now, run its course.

Bad timing, shitbird. I’m about to fuck up your whole world.

A long distance relationship isn’t something you casually try for the first time like Thai food or anal sex. A long distance relationship is something you do because you absolutely motherfuckingly have to, and it’s bittersweet and painful and unbearable and you can’t live without it, which I suppose is still pretty much like Thai food or anal sex, but you get my point.

If all you can say is, “I really care about the girl,” that isn’t even close to enough. You better love that crazy bitch with every last ounce of douche you’ve got coursing through your veins. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up to fail.

And what’s all this about eventually cheating? Quit planning to fuck up. Fidelity isn’t inversely proportional to distance, asshole. There are no teen sex comedy loopholes in real life.

Feel free to work out an open arrangement, but if you decide to go traditional, you better have the requisite integrity. Keep it in your motherfucking pants, or be honest about the fact that you can’t. It’s that simple.

I just spent a solid, passionate year loving someone across hundreds of miles of pacific coast highway. It was the loneliest year of my life, punctuated by the most blissed-out orgiastic episodes of heroin-grade happiness I’ve ever known.

It’s an unnatural thing to maintain burning desire at a distance. You’ve gotta be an emotional athlete to handle the highs and lows. It requires a heart that’s pure and strong, and brother, I don’t think you’re in shape for it.

I’d wish you good luck, but it’d be wasted on your weak-ass shit. Long distance is for hardcore motherfuckers on fire.

You ain’t ready.

And don't rush engagement or marriage.

I know I just told you to get engaged up there, but funnily enough I also agree with both of these above posters. **A long distance relationship is something you do because you absolutely motherfuckingly have to, and it’s bittersweet and painful and unbearable and you can’t live without it, which I suppose is still pretty much like Thai food or anal sex, but you get my point.**
At the same time though, I feel like if you really CAN'T live without someone, why do you have to wait to marry them?
Meh, ended uip consfusing myself.

[sabanist]

Is that from Coquette? Literally all of her advice is so on point.

Yep. I adore her.

My advice on not rushing into marriage is that you probably don't really know that you can't live without that person yet. It just feels like that right now. If she dumped you tomorrow, you'd find a way to go on because you didn't have a choice about it. It's the fact that you have a choice that makes you more desperate to try to make it work.

If you want to try long distance, at the very least, it can show you whether or not the relationship is going to work for the long term. The downside is that it can end very, very ugly, which is why breaking it off on a high note before you leave is sometimes better. I consider myself lucky to talk to my ex, who was my best friend for 5 years of my life, more than once a month. That loss is so much worse than if we had admitted our lives were going in separate directions in the first place.

OP, you're in a tough place. I understand that your priorities have shifted because you care about this person, but you can recover from a breakup a lot easier than you can transfer law schools if you end up going to a norcal school just to be near her. Whatever you decide, good luck.

[BlueLotus]

1L here. Crush back home is taking a serious interest in me. Will be working in said hometown during the summer, which is a 5 hour drive from my law school. Recipe for disaster? As a 2L, I suppose I could probably visit home at least 2 times/month, barring finals period. Plan to do semester-in-practice there and will be targeting my home market for postgrad jobs. He wants to stay in Philly, too. I so want this to work, but I'm nervous!

[JollyGreenGiant]

I was in a LDR for most of law school, and I disagree with those who said it can't work. (Full disclosure: Mine didn't). It can, but it will be a pain in the ass. A benefit, however, is that you can study/focus better because you don't need to chase women. Of course you might have to deal with the woman's feelings of neglect. Good luck.

I would never start a LDR before law school, but if you're already in a serious one, you might as well give it a try.

[akasabian]

tag for future reference.

[Scotusnerd]

Hey, so I know this has been discussed before but the situations I have seen are different from mine so I'm looking for a more applicable perspective. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and I love her. We met just a month before I graduated college (after my third year) and, for the last 8 1/2 months, have been with each other with me living about 2-2 1/2 hours away, visiting her every other weekend. She's going to be graduating in June and will likely move back in with her parents who are in northern California while I'm awaiting responses from law schools across the country (I'm early at Georgetown and should hear back either today or tomorrow), including 4 schools in norcal. I want to work in government and have dreamed of living and going to school in DC or New York or Boston but, since I've been with her, I feel like my priorities have changed and I don't want to necessarily miss out on being with my soul mate to go to a good school far away. She's speculative about having a very long distance relationship, though I've stated that I'm all in (I find it stupid to break up in order to avoid breaking up eventually) and have no intentions of ending it with her. Her family is very closed-minded and she contends that the only way she could move with me is if we were engaged or something and, while I have pondered asking her, my family would probably kill me and I'm not sure that I'm ready -- financially, especially. Has anyone on here tried to have a long distance relationship while in law school and what are some unique challenges (massive study load, time differences, etc.)? I don't want to give up on my dreams but I also definitely don't want to lose her. Thanks!

Oh boy.

She won't move in with you? That's a big, bad, ominous sign, friend. She's not ready, and you are not ready. Frankly, you two sound really young and you don't have a clue about it yet.

Soul mates don't exist. Someone you love passionately does exist, however. Love is not a state of existence, it is an ACT. Your acts must mirror each other. I very much agree with the Coquette analysis, and I have been in a longterm relationship (year and a half with interspersed visits. We even met online) that has worked out. We are now happily married. But it happened before law school. To be completely frank with you, I'm pretty sure we would not have worked out if I had been in law school at the time.

You're still young. If you are absolutely convinced she is the one, you need to fish or cut bait. Ask her to move in. None of this half-ass shit. You are either worth it to her or you are not. And fuck your parents and her parents: you're not marrying them. They don't know a goddamn thing about love except what worked for them. Figure it out for yourself.

Online relationships are not for the meek. It is the half, shadow option that you must take because there is literally not option. It is a purgatory where the objective is to get out of it as soon as possible. It is a purgatory were relationships go to die a miserable, half-baked death because one side 'can't handle it'.

I apologize if this post comes off as rude, but I have been in your shoes, several times. Each one has failed (badly) but the last one. Either live together, or gtfo. You will not like the alternative come finals time.

[BlueLotus]

Is it a lot easier to maintain a LDR as a 2L/3L? He and would be ~5 hours bus drive away (Philly-Boston).

[Xifeng]

Is it a lot easier to maintain a LDR as a 2L/3L? He and would be ~5 hours bus drive away (Philly-Boston).

Probably depends on how much you take on as a 2L/3L. If you're in a bunch of student organizations and on law review or whatever, you may be busier than you were as a 1L (but it's obviously a different kind of work).

[WokeUpInACar]

Seeing Heat's posts ITT from a couple weeks ago made me

[A. Nony Mouse]

Is it a lot easier to maintain a LDR as a 2L/3L? He and would be ~5 hours bus drive away (Philly-Boston).

Probably depends on how much you take on as a 2L/3L. If you're in a bunch of student organizations and on law review or whatever, you may be busier than you were as a 1L (but it's obviously a different kind of work).

Yeah - I actually had less time for my spouse (in the same place) 2L and 3L because I did a ton of extracurriculars, and they often required being in a particular place at a particular time, whereas 1L work you can do anywhere (although 1L work does suck up all your mental energy in a different way - you're less panicked 2/3L because you know more about how to do what you're doing).

Just to throw in a data point, my spouse and I are currently long-distance (although I'm out of law school now), and we've done it twice before, once pre-marriage and once post-marriage (I know, we really know how to live). So it's doable. But we'd also been together for quite a while before any of the long-distance (about 6 years, 5 of which we lived together). So I can't comment on what it's like earlier in a relationship. Having an end in sight makes a huge difference though - so for instance, knowing one of you will move to where the other is after law school is very different from trying to decide where you're going to be and whether the other will join you and so on.

[BlueLotus]

It's spring break and my hometown crush asked me out!!! Fingers crossed that this turns into something real.