Quotes from Law School Forum

[mikeytwoshoes]

I sat in on Judge Lynch's criminal law class during Columbia's admitted student days and heard this gem:

"Vampires, warewolves, marines, badasses of whatever sort coming at you. You've gotta shoot to kill."
(He was talking about self-defense as justification for intentional homicide)

See Bluebook rule 1.5 for help in constructing an effective parenthetical. The shouldn't be obvious.

/bluebook douche

Since I'm still an 0L, I reserve the right to ignore any and all bluebook guidelines.

As a 1L, I also reserve the right to ignore and and all bluebook rules when posting on an internet forum.

I'm pretty sure this an ethics violation.

/C&F douche

[macattaq]

Professor: "What would you say to fill in the blanks in 'to A and B, to have and to hold dot dot dot'?"
Me: "Ahh...to A and B, as joint tenants, not as tenants in common."
Professor: "What would you say to beef that up?"
Me: "Ahhh..."
Professor: "Well, so let's think about it this way. We need to be specific. Don't trust judges. They have their own agendas, so don't give them a chance to screw it up."

[macattaq]

And this gem from torts just now:

Professor: "When I started as a litigator, there weren't that many women. So I got a lot of advice from senior attorneys. First thing they said is that I was too short to be a litigator, so wear big heels. I was also more petite than I am now, so they said I need more gravitas. So wear big shoulder pads. Then they said my voice was too high. So I ended up looking like a cross between a linebacker and a hooker, with my voice like this *dropped voice a few octaves*"

[nightlight]

A professor threw a hissy fit and stormed out of class upon finding that several students were unprepared during the last week of the semester.

When a student complained about the incident, one of the deans responded, "[Prof] has tenure. [The university] didn't do a thing when [prof] tried to schtup a prostitute; what do you think they're going to do about this?"

[presh]

.

[merc280]

How do you guys remember these quotes verbatim, or do you type it up as its being spoken?

[starrydecisus]

And this gem from torts just now:

Professor: "When I started as a litigator, there weren't that many women. So I got a lot of advice from senior attorneys. First thing they said is that I was too short to be a litigator, so wear big heels. I was also more petite than I am now, so they said I need more gravitas. So wear big shoulder pads. Then they said my voice was too high. So I ended up looking like a cross between a linebacker and a hooker, with my voice like this *dropped voice a few octaves*"

This made me lol =)

[starrydecisus]

Civ Pro:
After a gunner argued that there could not possibly be a 3-part balancing test because it would be impossible to balance between 3 parts, unless, as he envisions, you had a 3-dimensional sort of pyramid and even then (etc. etc.):
Professor: "Lady Justice is an octopus!"

Referring to the software you can get on your computer to block yourself from going on the internet during class where internet use is disallowed:
Professor: "Download Temptation Blocker....it could solve all your problems!"

Referring to service rules of procedure when the party being served refuses to take the subpoena:
Professor: "It's not a game of tag!"

Professor: "Adnan Khashoggi was like the Paris Hilton of the early 80s...except that he was an arms dealer."

Legal Research and Writing:
Professor referring to the insane amount of rules in the Blue Book:
"It's like law students gone wild!"

Contracts:
Professor: "You have a right to free speech, and you have a right to go to Cleveland"

To a gunner:
Professor: "You could be saying something really smart...or, you know...otherwise"

Professor: "We just did something fairly dramatic. We become liberals!"

[Pizon]

Two from a 60+ year old female Insurance Law professor today:

"Maybe the insurance folks oughta smoke pot. It'd probably be better than whatever they smoke now."

"By a show of hands, who here knows any doctors personally?"
*a few people raise their hands*
"What would you tell us about them? That they're ARROGANT, right?"

[chicagolaw2013]

My civ pro prof is pretty epic, so here's some true gold from this semester:

Day one, when discussing how you should actually read your assignments: “Reading is cutting into my Jersey Shore time. I’m into Snooks. I want to see if she has the poof this year.”

Calling out the slackers in the back row: “The Three Amigos. Open your own law firm or whatever. Decide whose name goes first.”

Talking about getting paid (a few of the best): “Lawyers are the only people who can lawfully extort others. Welcome to the club.” “You’re chillin’ ‘cause you’re double billin’!” “We’re hittin’ the clubs tonight! We’re getting the good vodka! Not that Russian cheap crap!”

About stupid lawyers making stupid mistakes (all quotes from the same rant, he went off on a tangent about his buddy's daughter as well): “We don’t remember our triumphs, we all remember when we fuck up. These lawyers fucked up.” “I love that term ‘my bad.’ It’s like in your generation, that phrase excuses you from whatever the hell you’ve done.” “Whatever the dyslexic equivalent of baseball is, this kid has it. I hope he was wearing a cup. I mean, he’s my friend’s daughter’s fiancé! That could have some serious consequences!”

Creating names in hypos: “There are two donut specialists who never leave their desks. Fat Charlie and Big Bill.” “I was sitting at this light, and Joe Jerko rear-ended me. … What should I call him?! Peter Polite?! He’s Joe Jerko…he’s a jerk!”

Trying to be young and hip (also see the Snooki quote above): “Yeah, really! For reals!” “Get yourself on the boob tube or the YouTube.” “Either of your peeps wanna take a shot at this? Or else you’re gonna have to kick them out of the posse. Tell them to get their own buds.”

On looking professional online: “You should make your Facebook professional. Ya know, probably get rid of that nice picture of you with your giant bong.”

These are some gems, although there are so so many more.

[Thomas.of.Hunter]

Old Property prof from the south-

(student asks a question in a normal voice). Professor- "Mr. Bentley speak up...everyone wants to hear you." (the student repeats the question). Professor- "Did everyone hear that? Because you didn't miss anything."

"I don't know when I will get around to grading your tests. And I can't tell you how that is going to go. I suppose it will depend on how much scotch I have consumed once I get to your particular test."

(From student implying a bribe) "Sir, what brand of Scotch might that be?" Professor, "Trust me, you cannot afford it"

(when giving the midterms back)- "Some of you will notice that I got your exams wet...I must have got caught in a rainstorm"

"Well, now wait a minute!....Let me try it this way!" (while waving his hand in the air in the shape of a pistol)

“I could probably draw up that deed in a minute…I’d probably charge an hour, and I’ll show you how to make that ethical.”

“Simple case, is it not”

“I don’t speak France.”

“We all speak the queen’s language, some of us better than others.”

"If you intend to make a living off your wits, it will help if you have some."

"Now Ms. Durr you're not going to try and tell me you dont know what pleasure is."

Student- "I think you could still be married after you're dead." Professor- "That is the damnedest thing I have ever heard."

“This may be the largest group of paralegals I have ever seen.”

“I know that there are some of yall out there that don’t think people over 35 can procreate.”

"I know some of yall complained on the evaluation that I assign 20 pages and we only cover 5 in and hour and a half...that is a valid complaint."

"the law is a jealous mistress. and yall are fixin' to find this out."

"today, we live in a more civilized society. well, i don't know about that. i think yall are a bunch of barbarians."

"you people are young and fight for love. once you're older and wiser yall will realize the only thing worth fighting over is property."

[snowpeach06]

My torts prof. the other day, trying to tell us not to worry about the bar:

He was telling us how he took the bar drunk out of his mind, because he couldn't sleep and hid his alarm clock, and his apartment had no windows. So he drank a ton of scotch to fall asleep and a few minutes later his alarm clock went off. So then he goes "I went to Yale, if I can pass the bar drunk, you guys can probably pass... sober."

[PirateCap'n]

Torts Prof talking about Stubbs v. City of Rochester (city contaminated drinking water with sewage) when a student said that he wouldn't hold the city liable: "They just served you a cup of shit! You still wouldn't hold them liable?

Civ. Pro. Teacher talking about random stuff: "If you don't believe in eternal life, buy a Volvo, and then you will."

[clintonius]

My civ pro prof has been full of them all year. A couple of my favorites:

Discussing personal jurisdiction, and France's trying to get Nazi memorabilia sites taken off of Yahoo: "It's understandable. They fought bravely. Down to the last Belgian."

Discussing default and default judgment:
Classmate: "It's because the client would be... pre-JOO-diced? I don't know how to say that word. It seems weird that it would be the same as the racial discrimination type."
Prof: "It's 'prejudice.' It comes from the English word 'prejudice.' "

[JCougar]

I could fill up an entire thread from my Legal Writing professor. Here's a few to get y'all started:

Professor:"Defendant said to the Plaintiff something like, 'Whoa, motherfucker!' That's right. You guys better get used to the word 'Fuck.' Lawyers say 'fuck' a lot. You gotta learn the language of the profession. Especially you girls. I had this one totally prim and proper girl working for me at the firm as an intern once...she wouldn't say a cuss word to save her life. By the time I was done with her, she was storming into my office saying, 'What the FUCK are you thinking!'"

***********

Professor, on a case he handled: "There's this lady on the south side -- nice lady...I still talk to her today...but she's a little crazy -- anyway, she owned this restaurant and she took out a big loan from this bank to pay for renovations. But during the middle -- and she's got a lot of money -- she didn't like how the renovations were going, so she was like 'Tear it all down, I hate it.' So they just tore all the renovations down, and she didn't want to repay the loan to the bank. Of course, I was representing the bank. Anyway, she's crazy, but she's also very smart -- and I was questioning her on the witness stand, and I kept asking her questions and she kept making me look like an idiot. I looked like a total moron by the time I was done. When I sat back down, my partner Gordon whispers over to me (he's sitting on the other side of our client, but our client doesn't know what's going on) 'Do you need a donut?' I was like 'What?!' He said, 'Do you need a donut...you know...to sit on...because your asshole is bleeding.'"

Then in class the next week:

"I promise to cut down on the cussing, but when it's fact, like when Gordon said, 'Is your asshole bleeding?' then that's allright."

[solotee]

"It's so nice, we do it twice"

-Torts prof referring to the "but-for" test for contributory negligence

[Dr. Van Nostrand]

Last year during my 1L torts class, when talking about being compensated for injuries, my professor had the following quotes:

"If you are going to hit a guy with your car, make sure you kill him. Wrongful death damages are way less than a lifetime of pain and suffering."

&

"The only thing better than being an amputee in tort law is a double amputee."

[solotee]

Last year during my 1L torts class, when talking about being compensated for injuries, my professor had the following quotes:

"If you are going to hit a guy with your car, make sure you kill him. Wrongful death damages are way less than a lifetime of pain and suffering."

&

"The only thing better than being an amputee in tort law is a double amputee."

You had an economically rational professor lol

[Dr. Van Nostrand]

Last year during my 1L torts class, when talking about being compensated for injuries, my professor had the following quotes:

"If you are going to hit a guy with your car, make sure you kill him. Wrongful death damages are way less than a lifetime of pain and suffering."

&

"The only thing better than being an amputee in tort law is a double amputee."

You had an economically rational professor lol

Yeah he did his undergrad in economics and wrote about Tort law and economics. Favorite prof I've ever had, brilliant guy.

[robin600]

My torts prof. staring at the bald guy in the front row- "Dominique how do you think the case would have turned out?" the bald guy looks around "Dominique?" guy: "ummm my name is Nick." prof:"you look like a Dominique, what do you think?"

[Cosmo Kramer]

Torts prof on the relatively low amount of damages for the death of a one day old...

"because if you kill a one day old baby, there's really no downside to it"

[starrynight62]

"The reason divorces cost so much is because they're worth it."

Torts professor, on the duty to stop, look, and listen: "You can see the train comin'…and there's songs about that…but you gotta get outta the way of it, that's the main thing."

[starrynight62]

Civ Pro Professor talking about Intervention the other day. A student's last name was Cox that he had just talked to. He calls on a new student and says this:

"You saw me messing with Cox, playing with Cox, and then you just have to step in because you want a part of that action! What do you do?"

OMG HAHAHA did everyone bust out laughing? Please tell me the prof realized the joke...

I don't think the Professor realized what he was saying.

LMAO. Our contracts professor the other day was talking about a case where some factory's shaft was not delivered, and we are all giggling because he keeps saying "shaft...shaft...shaft." Then he starts acting it out in first person: "I only have one shaft! My shaft is broken!" etc. Then starts talking about how the damages have to be "naturally arising" out of the situation. He had no idea.

[kxz]

Civ Pro Professor talking about Intervention the other day. A student's last name was Cox that he had just talked to. He calls on a new student and says this:

"You saw me messing with Cox, playing with Cox, and then you just have to step in because you want a part of that action! What do you do?"

OMG HAHAHA did everyone bust out laughing? Please tell me the prof realized the joke...

I don't think the Professor realized what he was saying.

LMAO. Our contracts professor the other day was talking about a case where some factory's shaft was not delivered, and we are all giggling because he keeps saying "shaft...shaft...shaft." Then he starts acting it out in first person: "I only have one shaft! My shaft is broken!" etc. Then starts talking about how the damages have to be "naturally arising" out of the situation. He had no idea.

lmao. I don't know if I could only giggle. Busting out laughing would be awkward.

[rdcws000]

Contracts Prof after midterm:

"I've finished grading your midterms. It is not always surprising for students at this point in the semester to be at your level of understanding, though it is always disappointing."