Rob schneider's guide to succeeding in law school Forum

[Rob schneider]

Introduction
Since all you betas seem to talk about here is law school, I thought I'd drop some knowledge bombs. I'm best known for my film career and remarkable acting chops. You may think acting doesn't translate to law school. You may think my reputation as a fantastic lovemaker has no bearing on your performance in Torts. You need to fall the fuck back. Transcendence can't be taught but excellence can, if you're learning from the big guy right here. Law school isn't a game. It isn't a fight. It isn't even a ritual. It's more akin to the dramatic arts, and also to passionate intercourse. You'll never be me. You'll never come close. But you may as well learn a few things about how I live and apply it to your way crappier situation.

Summer Before 1L
Some of you would-be lawyers don't own firearms. You need to be packing. You shouldn't have ammo, but conspicuously displaying a weapon is a must. Many states have waiting periods. You can't afford to show up on Day 1 without heat. Also, you should stock up on condoms. It's one big fuck frenzy when you get there. Trust me.

Some of these guides say things like "read books." Fuck books. You should have watched all of my films and become familiar with the major themes throughout. The most important thing to learn is this: the world will scorn your alpha mentality, and try to hold you down. Learn to mock it with an aloof exterior, while never forgetting that you are a cobra, ready to strike at any and every opportunity. You should also be able to bench at least twice your weight or you will be laughed out of class and strike out at OCI.

Males only (sorry, ladies. You know I love you): There are other law school websites that perpetuate the myth that short men do not do well in the job search process. This is only true if you are unwilling or not smart enough to strongly insinuate that you are well-endowed in the interview. Height, school rank, and grades are only a proxy for size.

You should be tanning every single day when you are not lifting and watching my films.

Class Prep
People have very different views on the benefit of supplements. I have tried a number of the herbal ones and have not noticed a significant increase in size. If you are female I think implants would probably be a more reliable option, and the cost must be evaluated in the broader context of your investment in a legal career. Most law shows on television have alpha dudes and banging ladies, and also some old people. I have not researched plastic surgery to look older / more dignified if you are in between these two archetypes.

Law school has a lot of free pizza. Try to intercept as many of these as possible. First, walking off with a whole pizza or several is an excellent way to assert your dominance. Eat them in the library. Second, you need to be depriving your competition of as many precious carbs as possible. If you attend a school in a densely populated area, and cannot eat several pizzas on your own, you can alert all of the bums in the area of the free pizza, or put up a Craigslist advertisement in the "Free" section.

In Class
Don't read the cases. Ever. First, you will be a huge nerd. Nobody will want to have sex with you, and that will get in the way of your ability to emotionally manipulate your competitors and get their notes. Second, it is to your advantage to have the most uninformed inquiries possible at the ready to waste the maximum amount of class time.

You should raise your hand at every question. Take no prisoners. Your classmates will look at you with a mix of envy and self-hate for not being as smart as you. This will be of help in your sexual conquests and obtaining notes. When you have a question of your own, make it as repetitive as possible with whatever content the professor was blabbing on about. If a pattern of facts is described, ask a "question" in the form of a barely modified hypothetical. After every class you need to be the first person talking to the professor. This is a rodeo. It's a game of attrition. Do not let any other students get any of their own questions in. This is psychological warfare. You are graded on a curve.

There are probably lots of strategies for coming up with enraging questions which other posters may be able to share.

Taking Notes
Generally if you don't make someone orgasm they won't let you take their notes. In that case you will need to pretend to fall asleep and take their laptop in the dead of night.

Outlining
People on this website say you should make your own outlines. People on this website are also the type of people who made their own prom dresses out of duct tape. You can just buy outlines. Homemade things are usually crappy. This is the type of logic you will be using throughout law school. You may choose to join study groups and make up laws to sabotage these outlines if you so choose, but your time would probably be better spent macking. If you have done the class psyc ops correctly there will be no need to dedicate further time to this type of tactic.

Exams
Besides eating food that will make you gassy, drink TONS of water before the exam. You will be coughing as loudly as possible throughout, so you need your throat to be extra lubricated. A dry cough is a weak cough. It goes without saying that you will also be getting up to use the bathroom about a million times. You may ask, "Why would I need to drink that much water? I could just lie and say I have to go, and bring a lozenge as well." This is the kind of thinking that leaves points on the table. If you go in and don't relieve yourself people will think you're just there for the show, if you know what I mean. There is an exception and that is that if you are in your 60s then people will understand "flow issues."

This brings me to my broader point. While people here are correct that you have to argue, it's not true that you need to spend time on bullshit where somebody is wrong. Here's an example exam question. There are two guides. My guide and some beta's guide. Which one is correct? Are you going to waste time basically doing PR for some weak shit, or are you going to get across that you know what's up and you're not a cornball? Don't pay any attention to any bullshit arguments. Know what's right. Follow your heart in the direction of your dreams. Tell these fuckers how it is.

You also need to write your exam in such a way that the first letters of each line spell your name. That way if you're banging the professor (which you should be), he or she will know it's yours.

Summary
I've looked into the souls of lesser men and seen the conflict within. Checklists won't do a thing for you. Don't let a professor fill you up with "two sides of the issue" bullshit. Don't become some slimy doubletalking shell of a human in ill-fitting business formal wear. Speak from the heart in your exams, wear shirts of good classic rock bands, give unsolicited back massages and cold stares like there's no tomorrow, eat as much acid as you can afford on student loans, and you will be fine. You'll never be on my plane of existence, but you may as well be a dimestore travesty of my methodical excellence.

[Rob schneider]

Mods please sticky

[runinthefront]

you tried

[AnonymousAlterEgoC]

I'm going to use this to achieve great success. Thanks!

[McAvoy]

you tried

worth reading for lulz or no?

[Rob schneider]

you tried

worth reading for lulz or no?

That poster sucks. My work shaped American film history. If you even have to ask this question, you need to reexamine your life.