law school & legal profession JOKES Forum

[Nova]

post them

[Nova]

before ls, when asked a legal question, i could answer, in all honesty, ‘idk.’

now I can say with great authority, ‘it depends.’

[BVest]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a lawyer make it this far and we re not really sure what to do with you.” “What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.” St. Peter put the lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in custom suits and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to up to the mainland where they watched the Yankees-Red Sox game in the Devil's luxury box at Yankee Stadium. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks which then tore so that they'd have to pick up the same garbage over and over again. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we went to luxury boxes at Yankee Stadium. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday you were a recruit; today you're an associate."

[NotMyRealName09]

I like this one, but I didn't come up with it.

************************

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

**************************

This one makes me laugh too.

************************

A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

************************

One more.

*************************

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

[McAvoy]

http://abovethelaw.com/about/

[Virindi]

Contracts Question: If you deliver a tank too small for the dolphin to fit in, would that constitute frustration of porpoise?

---

and then

If you replace the too-small tank with one meant for an orca, however, you could say all’s whale that ends whale.

[ymmv]

Contracts Question: If you deliver a tank too small for the dolphin to fit in, would that constitute frustration of porpoise?

---

and then

If you replace the too-small tank with one meant for an orca, however, you could say all’s whale that ends whale.

Dude, too soon. I only saw Blackfish, like, last week.

[kd5]

There have been a few gems from my Barbri lecturers so far. My favorite was from the Family Law lecturer: "And now let's talk about common law marriage: the adverse possession of family law."

[ymmv]

There have been a few gems from my Barbri lecturers so far. My favorite was from the Family Law lecturer: "And now let's talk about common law marriage: the adverse possession of family law."

Everyone knows open and notorious marriage is the best kind.
But then again it's difficult to satisfy the "non-permissive/hostile" element without breaking other laws.

[Lacepiece23]

Going to law school...and wanting to be a lawyer

[Mr. Pink]

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?



Not enough sand.

[MinEMorris]

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you're dead.

Why do pharmaceutical companies now test on lawyers instead of rats? There are more of them, lab techs were having difficulty getting emotionally attached to rats, and lawyers do things that rats won't do.

[ymmv]

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you're dead.

Why do pharmaceutical companies now test on lawyers instead of rats? There are more of them, lab techs were having difficulty getting emotionally attached to rats, and lawyers do things that rats won't do.

I, too, enjoyed the movie Hook as a child.

[typ3]

Once you pass the bar you'll never pass by another bar.

[Nova]

[Nebby]

What did you go to law school for?

A Job.

[sequins]

Cooley.