Am I being too uptight about this? Forum

[zeth006]

I have a friend of mine who has taken upon himself to declare my soon-to-be studio in SF his intermittent "second home." Though he's already aware that many landlords frown upon guests who stay over night more than 8-10 days a month, he's asked me to make a key copy for him so he can come and go as he pleases during my 1L year.


I don't know about the rest of you, but I've chosen to room alone my 1st year to avoid ending up with a crazy roomie. I've figured it's worth it to go it alone and pay the extra premium if it means I can sleep and wake up at my own time in peace, that way I don't have to get woken up at 4am to the sound of someone entering the apartment and puking all over the bathroom floor in a drunken fit.


Well folks, that's the problem. This guy whom we shall call "Joe" is known among our circle of friends for partying profusely even though he has a grad school program somewhere in socal. He's told me he promises "not to get in the way" and that he won't stay for more than 4 days at a time. The more suspicious part is he claims he has a lot of friends in SF, but I haven't found out why he doesn't bother to stay with them instead all the time. (I'm guessing judging from the number of times I've heard about him going back and forth between OC and SF that he's exhausted his welcome).


I personally plan to try to do well during my 1L year at Hastings, and the last thing I want is a permanent roommate who completely defeats the purpose of rooming alone by dropping in one week each month just to turn my studio into a hotel. I've never been the best person at entertaining people, and I've always been wary of guests in my previous apartment stays who overextended their welcomes and brought their personal baggage and girlfriends.


Any thoughts? Feel free to be blunt. Poll's above for your consideration. Yes, I'm taking questions, but no, I'm sober.

EDIT: I'm going to avoid divulging more details about him here so I don't blow my cover.

[hellokitty]

No, you are not being uptight.

Seriously, do not give him a key. I would tell him exactly what you wrote here, that you wanted peace and a place to rest and do well in 1L. If he can't respect that tell him to fuck off. Let him be pissy about it if he wants, but he's not paying rent you are. And even if he was, if you don't want him there he has no business crashing at your place for long periods of time like that.

JUST SAY NO.

[chitown825]

Now that you've waited its going to be way more awkward than it could have been earlier.

Your response: "i'm not making you a key dude, i'm here to work and i need my privacy. if you want to visit, just call me ahead of time and you can come by"

[romothesavior]

DO NOT GIVE HIM A KEY.

Why is he so intent on staying with you?

IMO, I'd tell him that he's welcome to stay on weekends, but explain to him how important it will be for you to be studying during the week. Tell him that this year will make or break your legal career and you don't want to be disturbed during the week. Tell him he is welcome to stay other with you on occassion, but he should not abuse your hospitality and he needs to let you know when he is coming.

[stratocophic]

I'm confused as to why giving this guy a key was ever under consideration

[zeth006]

Now that you've waited its going to be way more awkward than it could have been earlier.

Your response: "i'm not making you a key dude, i'm here to work and i need my privacy. if you want to visit, just call me ahead of time and you can come by"

Oh no, he just made the announcement 2 days ago. I haven't chosen my apartment yet. If I'm feeling too much like a pussy, I'm just going to send him a friendly e-mail explaining the situation. But if my balls are feeling bigger than usual, I'll tell him and my buddy in person that I won't be entertaining overnight guests throughout the year after "thinking about it for some time." My other buddy probably couldn't give a rat's ass as he's too busy all the time to meet up with all of us more than 2-3 times a year these days.


We did have a period of tension in the past. While I was in Korea for a year teaching English, doffing beer, and making failed attempts at picking up the ladies, he had the gall to ask me to rewrite his 20+ page polisci papers because of his not-so-good grammar. I helped him with a couple, but on the third time, I had to tell him sorry bro, no can do, I'm being paid $2,300 a month to teach English here, and my time's too valuable.

[zeth006]

I'm confused as to why giving this guy a key was ever under consideration

Well, I consider myself a generous guy, but I have been told I'm sometimes too nice to a fault. Come to think of it, that's one fault I picked up from my dad.


I felt getting a key for him was kind of sketchy too, but I've also been told in the past that I'm too serious about the little things. I wanted to fly this past you guys before deciding what to do because I'm always open to the possibility that it might just be my overseriousness and not my better judgment surfacing! I was also conflicted by the way I'd seen people in undergrad leave their dorm doors unlocked for friends to come and go--until I realized that was back in the day when studying to do well was optional and partying until the wee hours of the morning was a daily norm.



Speaking of which, he didn't take the trouble to hide his love for SF, so is it any coincidence he didn't offer to visit me when he thought I was going to USD for law school? Hmmmm...now that I think about it, there's a lot more sketchiness to this than I thought!

[zeth006]

No, you are not being uptight.

Seriously, do not give him a key. I would tell him exactly what you wrote here, that you wanted peace and a place to rest and do well in 1L. If he can't respect that tell him to fuck off. Let him be pissy about it if he wants, but he's not paying rent you are. And even if he was, if you don't want him there he has no business crashing at your place for long periods of time like that.

JUST SAY NO.

For sure. I guess it's settled. The hard part is how to approach this with grace without coming off as someone with the "social grace of a wall" (Thanks, GodSpeed).

[blurbz]

Sounds like you're getting the right idea...and the poll is pretty clear! You need to do what is best for you and, frankly, it doesn't sound like this guy's friendship should be a high priority.

[hellokitty]

I wouldn't even try to be nice about it honestly. I would just tell him that under no circumstances can he use your apartment like a Motel 6 and if he has a problem with it, tell him to kick rocks. Your grades and comfort are more important than some "friend" that you may or may not even talk to once law school is said and done with.

[zeth006]

I wouldn't even try to be nice about it honestly. I would just tell him that under no circumstances can he use your apartment like a Motel 6 and if he has a problem with it, tell him to kick rocks. Your grades and comfort are more important than some "friend" that you may or may not even talk to once law school is said and done with.

We're not nearly as close as we once were, so that shouldn't be a problem.

[stratocophic]

No, you are not being uptight.

Seriously, do not give him a key. I would tell him exactly what you wrote here, that you wanted peace and a place to rest and do well in 1L. If he can't respect that tell him to fuck off. Let him be pissy about it if he wants, but he's not paying rent you are. And even if he was, if you don't want him there he has no business crashing at your place for long periods of time like that.

JUST SAY NO.

For sure. I guess it's settled. The hard part is how to approach this with grace without coming off as someone with the "social grace of a wall" (Thanks, GodSpeed).

Dude sounds like a user. I'm a little too good-natured for my own good as well, but you've got to be firm or risk getting rolled over. Don't sweat social graces any more than necessary. The next 3 years are too important.

[vanwinkle]

Let me get this straight. This guy declared your place his second home, completely and utterly uninvited, and you're worried about social graces toward him?

You have to come first here. You have law school and your future to worry about. If he can't understand that, he's not your friend anyway.

[zeth006]

Let me get this straight. This guy declared your place his second home, completely and utterly uninvited, and you're worried about social graces toward him?

You have to come first here. You have law school and your future to worry about. If he can't understand that, he's not your friend anyway.

I took the "second home" statement as a joke until I realized what it really entailed. Plus I've been known for being really critical and "rough around the edges" with my words in public. I don't mince 'em. I figured I might as well be direct and honest without really expressing 100% what's on my mind (i.e. He's being a ____).

[quickquestionthanks]

I'm confused as to why giving this guy a key was ever under consideration

This.

Let me get this straight. This guy declared your place his second home, completely and utterly uninvited, and you're worried about social graces toward him?

You have to come first here. You have law school and your future to worry about. If he can't understand that, he's not your friend anyway.

And this.

Sack up dude, now or never. Otherwise, this will only be the latest of a never ending series of events where people take advantage of you.

Plus I've been known for being really critical and "rough around the edges" with my words in public. I don't mince 'em.

If you're in this situation, that's impossible.

[Grizz]

Tell your friend to pound sand.

[Warhawk]

Wow, a unanimous poll. It's like a rainbow.

[neimanmarxist]

i picked 'other' because i don't think you should even set the terms of his visits, except maybe telling him that you'll meet him for coffee somewhere. a copy of your key? You must be joking. I wouldn't even do that for friends I like. Your personal space is just way too important, especially now.

Having guests is disruptive and a giant PITA.

[kmap]

You are a doormat, and he is a douchebag. Don't even tell him where you live. In fact, if I were you, I'd have cut him out of my life entirely by now. I don't have time for people's bullshit, and neither should you. Your law school success is WAY more important than he is.

[chitown825]

So when you get your new place in SF, is it cool if I crash there for awhile?

[LoriBelle]

Use law school as an excuse. Explain to him that you will not have as much time to socialize now, and you need to crack down and get serious. Tell him that requires living alone. Put off a very "it's not you, it's me" kind of vibe.

Blame it on yourself, if you want. Say something like, "With you hanging out here, I'll never get anything done because I'll just want to hang with you instead of doing my work." Or say, "I will need it to be silent while I am studying."

But above all, DO NOT give this dude a key. Your instincts are spot-on, and having a crazy roomie with boundary issues will cause serious issues during 1L...issues you won't have time to deal with. If he's trying to run all over you now, it will be worse when you're too busy to stick up for yourself.

[Patriot1208]

Ya, there is maybe only one person I would give a key to my place. Don't do it. Just explain that makes you uncomfortable but you guys will still chill a lot.

[romothesavior]

Tell your friend to pound sand.

[trialjunky]

This is Ri-cock-ulous!!! Tell him hell no. First, showing up to a friends house uninvited is really fucking rude! Asking for a key to some place you're not paying rent is even worse. Unless you're having sex with this guy and you've been in a year long relationship he shouldnt be even asking you/doing these things.

I wouldnt tell him where I lived under no circumstances let alone give him a key.

[09042014]

Hey Bro, can I visit you for a week in the third week of August?