LS w/Long Distance Relationship? Forum

[BeenDidThat]

is it realistic to think I could drive down a few times a semester to see her? She already said she will do the same for me.

Absolutely. If you have any time management skills at all you'll be able to clear out weekends without much difficulty.

Would you say that includes extra-curricular stuff like journals, moot court, clinics, etc? Or just studying?

I mean I'm just a 1L and not top 10% or anything so there's no reason to trust me but I'd say yes. Unless obviously there is something scheduled over a particular weekend.

If you're on law review it'll be tough, but you should be able to get some weekends clear.

[td6624]

yeah i guess i'm only thinking about 1L year / schedules for people who aren't really smart and/or involved

[FeelTheHeat]

This may be the most positive thread ever posted on TLS lol. Being able to see each other on the occasional weekend and breaks would be amazing, I hope the rest of you have a chance of partaking in it as well. She is beginning upper level accounting classes at the start of our 1L year so we should both have our hands full, I just hope I'll be able to find some decent employment in south Florida with an FSU degree instead of an FIU one. To stay on topic, I sure hope Skype can improve their picture quality come fall

[Danteshek]

This may be the most positive thread ever posted on TLS lol. Being able to see each other on the occasional weekend and breaks would be amazing, I hope the rest of you have a chance of partaking in it as well. She is beginning upper level accounting classes at the start of our 1L year so we should both have our hands full, I just hope I'll be able to find some decent employment in south Florida with an FSU degree instead of an FIU one. To stay on topic, I sure hope Skype can improve their picture quality come fall

Google video is good too. Maybe even better than skype.

[dudders]

Sometimes you'll be writing a memo for 12 hours in the library

honestly who actually does shit like this

That's what I did today, actually. Graded LRW + memo due on Valentine's Day = bad girlfriend.

[NCtoDC]

Well, I am starting law school in the fall and my husband will be active duty Army. So, it is going to be an interesting situation to say the least. I guess, as many have said, I will be glad to not have the feeling of obligation to be at home and trying to spend time with him, allowing me to completely focus on law school.

[Ty Webb]

Not a ton to add except maybe another perspective.

I moved halfway across the country for 1L and continued dating my GF of a year. Note that we had some previous experience working with this, as I was gone for the summer right when we started talking.

She had a lot of difficulty with it at first, and we saw each other three times during the Fall. I could honestly clear only around 10-15 minutes/day for phone conversations, since she works during the day and there is an hour time difference. We did text a great deal during the semester and there was some Gchat at night.

We made it work, but she was well prepared. I think that was helpful. I let her known that my schedule was going to be hectic, and I made her read articles on the life of a law students. She knew I wasn't just making stuff up. The trouble came during those times when I FINALLY had a night off, and I wanted to go out. This brought up questions of, "You have time to go out, but not talk to me?"

I was pretty tough with her about it - maybe too tough - but it ended up working. I'm lucky in that she is very committed, so that was helpful.

I believe a huge key is the other person having as much going on as you. If they work/do school/have a good social life, they will be happier than if you were their entire life prior to leaving. My GF has kind of developed her life apart from me, and it's been helpful for both of us (since I have so much going on here).

It's doable, though not easy. I was so busy that I hardly thought about it. The same probably was not true for her.

[A'nold]

Well, I saw one married couple doing LD that got divorced by 1L summer, to bring a downer to this thread. However, I don't know how good their relationship was before she went off to ls, so take this with a grain of salt.

Also, I just cannot fathom these people on here that talk about how little time they would have to spend with their spouse so it really doesn't matter that much. How could you be that busy that you don't have a spare second to even talk with your wife or girlfriend? Weird....

[Fresh]

Well, I saw one married couple doing LD that got divorced by 1L summer, to bring a downer to this thread. However, I don't know how good their relationship was before she went off to ls, so take this with a grain of salt.

Going through divorce during 1L? Impressive

[zay]

Both my now-husband and I went through the law school process (him first, then me) long-distance. That's six years of LD, if anyone's trying to do the math. Here's what we've learned:

1. Recognize and appreciate that your spouse/SO will likely develop a new social circle that does not include you. This is not a bad thing, so don't be jealous. Instead, be supportive, because hey, who couldn't use more friends?

2. You (as the law student) will want to talk about all sorts of great things you learned in law school with your spouse/SO. Your spouse will not understand a word of what you speak, unless s/he also happens to be a lawyer/in law school/watched way too much law and order. Do not treat your spouse/SO as if they don't have a clue, because remember, they are smart too. They're just not in law school, so they probably aren't going to appreciate/get excited about the same stuff. That's okay.

3. When you do finally get to see your spouse/SO (yay!), what tends to happen is that the person doing the traveling will feel like "Tada! I'm here! Please drop everything and pay attention to me, since I have traveled so far to see you!" And the person who didn't have to travel/is busy with schoolwork will be like "Yay I'm so happy to see you but I have this graded LRW memo due next week so I'll be working on it some while you're here..." Or, in conjunction with (1), your spouse/SO will want to hang out with you but also hang out with his/her new friends. Go along for the ride. It's not realistic to expect the other person to drop everything just because you traveled XXX miles to come see them (even though we all want to feel that way). Recognize that you and/or your spouse will have developed different ways of relaxing and chilling out (which may not include you), and it takes a little bit of time for your styles to mesh again after being apart for awhile.

4. Communicate, but don't expect that the other person will have an hour to talk to you every day. Try to talk for 5 minutes each day, even if it's just to touch base and say "I love you." What tends to happen is that one person will have a lot more free time available hands than the other, and will sometimes start feeling a bit neglected.

I think that's all the caveats I have for now. Good luck! It's doable!

[srilina]

Has anyone here been in an LDR while both parties were in law school?

(some details) My SO and I got into the same T18 school but I got into the T8 I've been fantasizing about for years. Unfortunately, they're halfway across the country from each other. Do you think LDR with both as 1L's could possible work? I'm seriously considering the T18, but am still torn after two months of internal debate.

[HWS08]

My experience is different from everyone here because I am in an LDR now (have been full time for 2 years, prior to that it was a long distance relationship during summer breaks in college) that will be an non-LDR once I move to my bf's city for law school, but I wanted to add my support and words of encouragement for everyone in this thread. It looks like some great advice has been posted so far.

Someone asked about sacrificing things like extracurricular activities and having geographic restrictions when looking for summer employment. That will vary from LDR to LDR, but I feel like my bf and I have not really had to give any of that stuff up. He actually studied abroad on another continent for a semester while I as working in my current city. That was really tough because I only got to visit him once during that entire time, but we both think it made our relationship stronger, and I would have hated for him to look back and regret not having that experience. Neither one of us wants their to be any resentment over missed opportunities.

I'm happy to answer more questions and give advice via PM. My bf and I have been together for over 4 years and a lot of that has been an LDR, so I could practically write a book length post on this topic.

[SkinnyWhiteGuy]

@srilina, my gf and I are both going to LS this fall, we will be about 6 hrs apart. From what we can ascertain, this is almost the ideal situation for a law school student. We have been going out 3 yrs and are cautiously optimistic. I think the fact your SO is going thru the same thing you are is really half the battle. I imagine it might even help you get past those tough days, because you know your better half is out there in that same grind. There has to be high levels of loyalty, trust, and understanding in your relationship. The other big thing is just realizing you are going thru a huge, life-changing (hopefully for the better) experience, and you will grow as a person. To me it is comforting knowing my SO is having that same type of experience, and we know eventually we will reconnect. IMHO, it is appropriate to get excited for this challenge. Isn't this the best way to determine if the two of you are meant to be? If you can get thru law school x 2, you can do anything!

[NoleinNY]

Love + Law School = failure

[unc0mm0n1]

Both my now-husband and I went through the law school process (him first, then me) long-distance. That's six years of LD, if anyone's trying to do the math. Here's what we've learned:

1. Recognize and appreciate that your spouse/SO will likely develop a new social circle that does not include you. This is not a bad thing, so don't be jealous. Instead, be supportive, because hey, who couldn't use more friends?

2. You (as the law student) will want to talk about all sorts of great things you learned in law school with your spouse/SO. Your spouse will not understand a word of what you speak, unless s/he also happens to be a lawyer/in law school/watched way too much law and order. Do not treat your spouse/SO as if they don't have a clue, because remember, they are smart too. They're just not in law school, so they probably aren't going to appreciate/get excited about the same stuff. That's okay.

3. When you do finally get to see your spouse/SO (yay!), what tends to happen is that the person doing the traveling will feel like "Tada! I'm here! Please drop everything and pay attention to me, since I have traveled so far to see you!" And the person who didn't have to travel/is busy with schoolwork will be like "Yay I'm so happy to see you but I have this graded LRW memo due next week so I'll be working on it some while you're here..." Or, in conjunction with (1), your spouse/SO will want to hang out with you but also hang out with his/her new friends. Go along for the ride. It's not realistic to expect the other person to drop everything just because you traveled XXX miles to come see them (even though we all want to feel that way). Recognize that you and/or your spouse will have developed different ways of relaxing and chilling out (which may not include you), and it takes a little bit of time for your styles to mesh again after being apart for awhile.

4. Communicate, but don't expect that the other person will have an hour to talk to you every day. Try to talk for 5 minutes each day, even if it's just to touch base and say "I love you." What tends to happen is that one person will have a lot more free time available hands than the other, and will sometimes start feeling a bit neglected.

I think that's all the caveats I have for now. Good luck! It's doable!

Seriously? If I traveled half way across the country to see my wife who I barely see and she was like "well it's nice you're here but I'd rather hangout with the friends I see everyday than spending some QT with you" I'd doubt that relationship would work.

[td6624]

Love + Law School = failure

only if you can't handle doing two things at once

[kwais]

Love + Law School = failure

only if you can't handle doing two things at once

+1 People probably attribute breakups to the distance when it's really the relationship itself. I've done LDRs before and am about to do another. My experience has been that LD just highlights problems that are already there. It doesn't really create them

[SherlockHolmes]

Love + Law School = failure

only if you can't handle doing two things at once

+1 People probably attribute breakups to the distance when it's really the relationship itself. I've done LDRs before and am about to do another. My experience has been that LD just highlights problems that are already there. It doesn't really create them

+1

[straxen]

Did a cross-country LDR for first semester of law school. We'd originally said that we'd move back in together after law school was over and I'd come back, then we said after 2L my SO would move here, then after 1L, needless to say, after 1 semester we've moved back in together and I've got an hour commute to school and back (and am paying rent on top of a dorm room I committed to for a year).

Now we were lucky enough that my SO was able to move, and I think we would have survived law school. It's hard, but I think it's doable for the right couple. We found plenty of weekends, talked for hours on the phone, and neither my grades nor our relationship suffered at all (though we personally hated being so apart, which is what made it hard, it wasn't detrimental to the relationship). We weren't the type to get bitter at the other because the other is off working all the time, my SO works overseas about 3 weeks out of 5 and I had a professional long hours job before law school so we'd been used to a little separation so as to get mad at the situation and not take it out on each other.

I think it's necessary to realize that this can't be college again...if weekends hanging out with friends or going out drinking is more important than having a weekend together or talking over skype, your priorities aren't set in the right place for a LDR. (Not saying you can't socialize at all, it should just take a back seat.)

[Cupidity]

When I started law school I made eight friends who were in long-distance relationships, right now, there are two of us left. The odds definitely aren't in your favor, however, if you remain committed and put in the effort it is definitely possible. There are two keys to making a long distance relationship work, transparency and independence. One of the biggest dangers in long distance relationships isn't actual infidelity, its the stress of imagined infidelity. My boyfriend and I have each others email & facebook passwords, and know some of each others friends. It's not like we don't trust each other or that we spy on one another regularly, but it is reassuring to know that if anything happened I would know about it, it keeps the mind from playing games with you. You also have to work on developing your own lives that way you don't get bored, it will be easy for you to do in law school though, class is hard enough and there is usually an amazing social scene.

[shoeshine]

I am way against LD relationships. I was in one that went extremely wrong. So I have decided to move my current GF (of three years) with me to law school. Thankfully she can transfer with her current job to the city I am going to law school in. If it wasn't for that I am not sure I would ask her to come.

I know I could not handle the pressure of an LD relationship in law school. Don't underestimate the amount of stress, jealousy, and melancholy that an LD relationship can bring.

[ObLaDiObLaDa]

Just kind of adding to what the person above me said...

When I started law school, I had been in a relationship for around 3 years that was full time during college and LD during breaks. Two of my closest friends I met once school started also had long term significant others that were going to be LD full time because of law school.

We just ended our 2L year and of the three of us, only one is still with that significant other. Her boyfriend ended up moving closer to her at the end of 1L year, while my friend and I both ended up having our LD relationships fall apart halfway through 2L year.

Law school and LDR are difficult no matter how great your relationship is and how solid your foundation was before. There are a lot of things you can't anticipate that will change your relationship.

[CyLaw]

I've been married for about seven and a half years now (got married at 20). My wife and I will be spending all of law school apart. I am just now finishing 1L at Cornell while she finishes her PhD in Iowa. For the next two years she will be working in DC for NIH while I finish at Cornell. I can tell you LDR sucks but is very doable with the right relationship and people involved. Things that have help me:

1) Try to call each other around dinner time and have the same conversations you would if you were sitting at the dinner table. If you normally talk about your work or school lives, continue to do this. This will help you both feel like they are still involved with each other's lives despite the distance. There is a tendency to think that you don't want to bore them with law or work nonsense, and if you don't do that now then don't do that when you are apart. The key is to just keep have the same conversations that you have now.

2) Be forgiving when the other forgets to call. It will happen. You will both be very busy, and need to remember that shit happens and you have to prioritize local stuff over remote items. If one has to work/study late, then be compassionate to them the next time your speak to them.

3) Make plans to see each other, even if the next time either can visit is months away. It helps to have something to look forward to. The last time I saw my wife was in March and I won't see her to August. But having planned to visit her in August helps tremendously in passing the time between the months.

Feel free to ask any questions.

Oh, and these tips are things that I developed the first time my wife and I were apart, which was the first year and a half of our marriage while I was in military training. So don't think that it is required that you have been together for multiple years before LSDs are sustainable. Like I said in the beginning, it is a matter of the relationship and people involved.

[IamAskier]

Probably one of the most reassuring threads I've ever found on TLS. Me and my SO are probably doing at least my 1L about 7 hours apart, which we know we can do, but you always worry if your just being naive. It nice to know that people do it, and it can work out, and we're not completely kidding ourselves. Also, compared to some other's experiences, I'm feeling like being 7 hours apart for 2 semesters is nothing.

[mhd08]

A lot of people in this thread keep saying that LDRs generally only work if the couple is married, engaged, or have been together a long time. I beg to differ. l I had only been with my SO for 7 months when I started law school and, after finishing my first year, we are still together and very happy. It probably helps that we're only a 6 hour drive apart and see each other at least once a month. I have two friends in law school who managed to make their LDRs work and they also had also only been with their SOs for less than a year. Granted, one of those couples probably shouldn't be together but that's another story...

I really believe that if you have the right expectations and can see the positive then you can make it work. I actually prefer the distance at times because of my workload. My brief was due the week after spring break and it was much more difficult getting work done at home than it was at school because I wanted to spend time with my SO and I felt bad when I didn't since I barely get to see him as it is. Anyway, I'm sure that if your relationship is solid and you have the right expectations, you can make it work. Honestly, there are some days where it is really hard, but for the most part it's actually not the horror story I heard it would be. I think it also helps that he's looking for a job in my city and he's planning on moving here in the next couple of months. I don't know how I'd feel if I didn't see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.