Transfer PS Critique Forum

kaiser · Post by **kaiser** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 5:32 pm

Just bumping this up since im looking to apply ASAP

johndhi · Post by **johndhi** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:09 pm

Looks very strong to me. Personally I think your writing is a little wordy, so if you want to cut down on words there are some places you can do that, but it's not too bad.

e.g. "I decided that it would be best to" --> "I decided to"

I prefer "I developed an interest" to "I developed a strong interest."

Finally, I think your last paragraph can be erased or modified. You're re-using words from above in the conclusion paragraph and given how short the letter is, it's annoying. Maybe a solution would be to abstract the language or change its tense, for example, "[New Law School] will allow me to pursue my dream of working as an employment lawyer, live with my fiance, and contribute to a prestigious academic community. Thank you for reading."

kaiser · Post by **kaiser** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:29 pm

johndhi wrote:Looks very strong to me. Personally I think your writing is a little wordy, so if you want to cut down on words there are some places you can do that, but it's not too bad.

e.g. "I decided that it would be best to" --> "I decided to"

I prefer "I developed an interest" to "I developed a strong interest."

Finally, I think your last paragraph can be erased or modified. You're re-using words from above in the conclusion paragraph and given how short the letter is, it's annoying. Maybe a solution would be to abstract the language or change its tense, for example, "[New Law School] will allow me to pursue my dream of working as an employment lawyer, live with my fiance, and contribute to a prestigious academic community. Thank you for reading."

Thanks for the help. Will def cut down the wordiness and edit the last paragraph.

kaiser · Post by **kaiser** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:23 pm

Any other comments?

specialblend35 · Post by **specialblend35** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:36 pm

You begin several sentences with "As a..." Perhaps vary the sentence structure a bit.

kaiser · Post by **kaiser** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 8:53 pm

specialblend35 wrote:You begin several sentences with "As a..." Perhaps vary the sentence structure a bit.

Good point. Thanks

kaiser · Post by **kaiser** » Sat Jun 11, 2011 9:12 pm

Is there anything else to add/edit? Like I said, this thing is being sent pending any last second alterations based on the recommendations I get from you guys

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