I suck at networking Forum

[Anonymous User]

Pretty much what the title suggests.

I go to lots of events but clients never take a shine to me. I’ve read all the books, don’t feel particularly insecure about myself, follow all the usual social rules, etc. Also, because each time I attend the networking events the outcome isn't great, as a result I get quite anxious beforehand nowadays which just makes things worse.

I’m also a senior associate, so doing well at this aspect is becoming important.

Would anyone have any suggestions? Life coaches, PR agencies, anything? Please don’t troll me, I’m already feeling down. Thank you

[Anonymous User]

What’s your goal? To have a potential client text you on occasion with a legal question?

[Lacepiece23]

One of the best ways I’ve found to network is to just cold email/call people who are adjacent to who you want to get to know.

If you’re looking to meet in house lawyer at x, you first need to become friends with their friends. Then, have that friend make the intro.

Also, you have to be the connector. Go out of your way to connect people. You will be remembered.

Lastly, just keep following up. Be systematic. You spend 200 hours every month doing legal work. Take five of those hours and set up a real spreadsheet or CRM and track who you’ve kept in touch with and your last touch.

Just some tips. I don’t do any of the above right now because I don’t want to. But I’ve done all the above and I’ve gotten great results.

[Anonymous User]

Pretty much what the title suggests.

I go to lots of events but clients never take a shine to me. I’ve read all the books, don’t feel particularly insecure about myself, follow all the usual social rules, etc. Also, because each time I attend the networking events the outcome isn't great, as a result I get quite anxious beforehand nowadays which just makes things worse.

I’m also a senior associate, so doing well at this aspect is becoming important.

Would anyone have any suggestions? Life coaches, PR agencies, anything? Please don’t troll me, I’m already feeling down. Thank you

This shit is hard, don't feel down. The fact that it comes naturally to some makes it even harder.

I'm not great, but for me one of the mentality shifts that helped me the most is realizing that a lot of stuff in a professional setting (including network) is really just acting. Watch someone else who is good at it and see if you can pick up on some of the things that work. Of course, someone with a bazillion charisma points get get away with just about everything, but I've taken a lot of ques from those people about how to handle client calls, etc. Same thing applies to networking events - can you imitate some of the techniques you've seen work?

My only other tip is ask questions. Obviously you don't want to depose somebody at a networking event, but when I attend those I spend half my time listening, and the other half thinking about what thoughtful follow-up question I can ask next. Lawyers love to talk, so you just have to give them the avenue to do that.

[pierredelecto7]

Connect 2 people, above, very good advice. The old saying "People never forget how you made them feel". Steve Wynn loved that but I doubt he was the first to say it.
Talk about sports. It's a safe area compared to politics. Right now everyone is talking about Tennessee college football and the win over Alabama. You meet someone, a game is coming up involving his school, bring up the point spread and ask him if he thinks his team can cover it. Talk about upcoming games. Vegas Insider gives you quick access to the point spreads. Politics is no longer safe to talk about in public. Sports still is.

[Anonymous User]

Pretty much what the title suggests.

I go to lots of events but clients never take a shine to me. I’ve read all the books, don’t feel particularly insecure about myself, follow all the usual social rules, etc. Also, because each time I attend the networking events the outcome isn't great, as a result I get quite anxious beforehand nowadays which just makes things worse.

I’m also a senior associate, so doing well at this aspect is becoming important.

Would anyone have any suggestions? Life coaches, PR agencies, anything? Please don’t troll me, I’m already feeling down. Thank you

It's hard - some people have a gift for it, and a lot of others don't. I think of networking as a lot like dating -- maybe it would help to think about what makes or made a date good for you -- what kinds of things would a person do that would make you want to hang out with them more? For me, that is someone who seems to genuinely be listening and asks meaningful follow-up questions but also doesn't seem overly "heavy." Think about the kinds of things you would talk about on a first date -- something not work-related but also not super personal -- kids, food, sports, theatre, vacation, whatever -- and mention something along those lines that you are up to and see if you get a response and go from there. Sharing something about you first prevents the conversation from seeming like an interrogation and also makes you a little vulnerable, which helps build a connection. This makes the conversation more natural and codes you as friendly and not just someone with whom they have a purely transactional relationship.

[Wanderingdrock]

Connect 2 people, above, very good advice. The old saying "People never forget how you made them feel". Steve Wynn loved that but I doubt he was the first to say it.
Talk about sports. It's a safe area compared to politics. Right now everyone is talking about Tennessee college football and the win over Alabama. You meet someone, a game is coming up involving his school, bring up the point spread and ask him if he thinks his team can cover it. Talk about upcoming games. Vegas Insider gives you quick access to the point spreads. Politics is no longer safe to talk about in public. Sports still is.

Maybe? I dunno. Talking about sports really throws me off. I don't hate sports but I like what I like and I hate the social pressure to know what other people are talking about when they bring up "the big game." I could see bringing up sports with a potential client backfiring; for me, when someone uses football as their go-to conversation-starter, it lowers my opinion of their intellect. Probably not fair! But when somebody I'm looking to have a business relationship with assumes I must care enough about college football to prefer talking about it versus, say, recent inflationary pressures and supply chain issues, it makes me wonder why they don't have anything more interesting to talk about.

If you like sports and know a lot about them and so does the person you're talking to, great - that's an excellent way to connect. But I'd suggest checking first. If you ask them, "Oh, you went to [big football school] - did you go to a lot of games while you were there?" and the answer is, "Yeah, one or two, but mostly it was about tailgating and I wasn't a big drinker," then obviously steer clear of that topic.

[pierredelecto7]

Yes Mr Wandering,
"recent inflationary pressures and supply chain issues, it makes me wonder why they don't have anything more interesting to talk about."

But now you're getting into the dangerous area of politics which should be a red flashing light

25% of young people today believe that physical violence is justified if someone says something they disagree with

So with all of the tech we have at our fingertips, we're devolving, going backwards

Today's 20 year old is worse off than my generation growing up in the 70s

Less tolerant of the views of others

Just look at Neil Young. "If you don't take Joe Rogan off Spotify, I'm taking my songs down"

Look at Stern. Same issue. He wants censorship if your vaccine opinion differs from his.

Lean into sports so you can talk about it for 10 minutes without offending anyone. Once again, people forget everything, except how you made them feel.

[nixy]

Dude, there are more options than sports and politics (if complaining about the supply chain is even political rather than real life during a pandemic). Defaulting to talking about sports is kind of stereotypical and exclusionary. Insisting on talking to someone about football who could care less about football doesn’t make that person feel good. The advice to feel your way before launching into sports talk is completely sound.

I really wish people on this forum wouldn’t tailor their advice based on the assumption that the default biglaw lawyer is a stereotypical straight white dude.

(Also last I checked neither Neil Young nor Howard Stern were young people today so I don’t get how they’re examples of problems with 20 year olds today, nor do I imagine that the clients the OP wants to connect with are 20 year olds.)

[nealric]

This may blow your mind, but you can simply *ask* your contacts what their interests are outside of work. Easy conversation starter. Maybe they are really into football, or maybe they race sailboats. You don't know until you ask. Most people like talking about their interests/hobbies. If you don't know anything about their hobby- even better. People love explaining their hobbies to the uninitiated.

[Anonymous User]

Dude, there are more options than sports and politics (if complaining about the supply chain is even political rather than real life during a pandemic). Defaulting to talking about sports is kind of stereotypical and exclusionary. Insisting on talking to someone about football who could care less about football doesn’t make that person feel good. The advice to feel your way before launching into sports talk is completely sound.

I really wish people on this forum wouldn’t tailor their advice based on the assumption that the default biglaw lawyer is a stereotypical straight white dude.

(Also last I checked neither Neil Young nor Howard Stern were young people today so I don’t get how they’re examples of problems with 20 year olds today, nor do I imagine that the clients the OP wants to connect with are 20 year olds.)

Can we just not respond to pierredelecto7, danishblue, or any of the new names that troll keeps coming up with? The pattern is unmistakable.

[uncle_rico]

I know it sounds psychotic but take notes on people you meet and interact with. Take note of where they went to school, what does their spouse/kids do, what are they interested in, etc. I consider myself fairly good at networking but if you are really making efforts to network it's simply way too hard to keep track of everyone. If you're able to bring up points or ask questions related to previous conversations the other person will remember you and appreciate the feeling of being listened to.

As a more specific point, if you know someone has kids, I find that asking them about their kids is one of the easiest things to help a conversation. Most people love talking about their kids and if you combine this with the point above you'll really win some brownie points.

[Anonymous User]

Uncle Rico, it does not sound psychotic at all to take notes, it's brilliant and it's what successful people do. I mention Neil Young and Stern above to show how intolerant we've become. Never been worse than this. It's a good reason to avoid all things political when chatting with someone in a social setting.

Special thanks to Trolling Alert Police above, with the post about cheese.
That post was not job sensitive, yet was posted anonymously, which is extremely common around here.

Because coming up with new names every time you get banned for flaming culture wars or posting off topic is oh so much better... Two wrongs don't make a right, sure, but I think people around here much prefer my type of breaking the rules to yours. Get a life.

[pierredelecto7]

Nixy, my post was not meant to be all inclusive. I suggested sports. Another poster suggested asking about someone's kids.

I did point out that in today's climate, politics is probably not a good topic.

I think there was a book about 50 years ago "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Probably still in print.

[pierredelecto7]

I found the book above, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Originally published in 1936. 30mil copies sold. Currently sells 5000 copies a week.

The satirical writer Sinclair Lewis waited a year to offer his scathing critique. He described Carnegie's method as teaching people to "smile and bob and pretend to be interested in other people's hobbies precisely so that you may screw things out of them."

That seems a little harsh.

It used to be that you could ask someone what they thought about Nixon and the two would still be friends after the conversation. That's over. Don't mention Trump, Biden, Pelosi or Fetterman at a social gathering. Someone above said talk about your kids and ask about the other person's kids. But just be aware that things can get controversial real quick if you want to discuss what's in the news, such as transing the kids, angry parents going to school board meetings and asking why teachers are telling little boys that they can be little girls, and trans story hour.

And Anonymous above, feel free to stop posting anonymously when no reasonable person would regard your post as job sensitive. I have no desire to follow you around TLS and post anonymous snarky comments after everything you say, you know, what you do to others.