Becoming Suicidal Forum

[Anonymous User]

I was let go from my firm I've been at for a few years a few weeks ago due to general slowness in my group and not enough capacity. I thankfully was given a few months paid to find a new firm. The process has been so slow and the few interviews I've gotten have either been in places that are unrealistic (i.e. different location) or pay would be far lower than I can reasonably take. I'm working with a recruiter which helps but still things are not looking good after a recent rejection for a position I thought was perfect, and I'm starting to have suicide ideation. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do besides mass mailing firms and looking in-house? Or anyone with encouraging words that have been in a similar position?

Sorry if this post is heavy (and I know it's bound to invite trolls), just feeling very desperate.

[Anonymous User]

You are an awesome person so worthy of life. We need awesome people like you here!

Others will more squarely answer your questions, but I want to kindly suggest stepping back from the law if you are able. Take a vacation, go on a roadtrip, do something you've never done before. Smell flowers, have a nice meal, treat yourself.

I wish you all the best

[Anonymous User]

You are an awesome person so worthy of life. We need awesome people like you here!

Others will more squarely answer your questions, but I want to kindly suggest stepping back from the law if you are able. Take a vacation, go on a roadtrip, do something you've never done before. Smell flowers, have a nice meal, treat yourself.

I wish you all the best

Thank you so much-- I truly appreciate the kind words and suggestions. Going to spend time with family to take my mind off things.

[Anonymous User]

I was let go from my firm I've been at for a few years a few weeks ago due to general slowness in my group and not enough capacity. I thankfully was given a few months paid to find a new firm. The process has been so slow and the few interviews I've gotten have either been in places that are unrealistic (i.e. different location) or pay would be far lower than I can reasonably take. I'm working with a recruiter which helps but still things are not looking good after a recent rejection for a position I thought was perfect, and I'm starting to have suicide ideation. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do besides mass mailing firms and looking in-house? Or anyone with encouraging words that have been in a similar position?

Sorry if this post is heavy (and I know it's bound to invite trolls), just feeling very desperate.

[Anonymous User]

8 years ago I was laid off due to my firm not having enough work. I was devastated at the time. I'm not going to tell you "it was the best thing that ever happened to me" or anything like that, but everything did turn out to be okay. I'm really happy with how my career turned out. Now all these years later, I never think about it. I wish you all the best. Please be around 8 years from now so you can look back and see this as a blimp in a long career (in law or otherwise). Stay well!

[Anonymous User]

Yeah, I'd echo the other poster. After your time off, maybe find a gig in law that gives you some meaning and you're interested in. Don't look at the pay too much, but maybe how you can help folks do renters rights, or PI, or pro bono attorney for a special needs organization, whatever you are interested in (even if it doesn't become a job, just finding a way to help folks often helps me and gives me purpose/meaning).

I'd try and see a therapist if you can afford one. If not, give yourself some time and come back to it. It is just a job and your life is worth so much more than that.

Side note, find a hobby. I love to read Fantasy books and play DnD. They help bring me to a happy place, also being with family/friends helps me too.

Wish you the best of luck in everything, give yourself a break and remember to breathe!

[Anonymous User]

OP, these types of transitions can be so hard, but don’t be too hard on yourself. You deserve a fulfilling life and your self worth isn’t tied to your job!

[Anonymous User]

Yeah, I'd echo the other poster. After your time off, maybe find a gig in law that gives you some meaning and you're interested in. Don't look at the pay too much, but maybe how you can help folks do renters rights, or PI, or pro bono attorney for a special needs organization, whatever you are interested in (even if it doesn't become a job, just finding a way to help folks often helps me and gives me purpose/meaning).

I'd try and see a therapist if you can afford one. If not, give yourself some time and come back to it. It is just a job and your life is worth so much more than that.

Side note, find a hobby. I love to read Fantasy books and play DnD. They help bring me to a happy place, also being with family/friends helps me too.

Wish you the best of luck in everything, give yourself a break and remember to breathe!

Thanks-- I'll take this advice. It's far healthier than my constant checking emails and job boards every 30 minutes.

[Anonymous User]

In addition to therapy, take an inventory of what you’re doing day to day and see whether it seems like someone doing those things would be depressed. That is, if you imagine someone laying on their couch all day, eating junk, compulsively checking things online, and having little contact with others or focus on other areas of life, you might not be surprised if they were not feeling the best!

Not saying you’re doing any of those things, but sometimes when you’re depressed it’s easy to think that you’re doing X or Y or Z because you don’t have energy or are going through something, etc. and in fact, it’s often the case that mood follows from action. So get structure, exercise, and sleep in place (as best you can, one day at at a time!) and you’ll be giving yourself more of a chance of your mood improving.

It does suck to be in this spot in life. No doubt about that, and you can be honest with yourself that it’s okay to be having a harder time right now—nothing is wrong with you there. And so now’s the time to really focus on those fundamentals—structure, sleep, and exercise—to buoy you as you go through this chapter.

[Anonymous User]

OP, I was unemployed for a period of time before law school and I had similar feelings - it was a very dark place. You will get through it! A few things that helped me:

First, look at the positives of which I'm sure you have many. As others have suggested you have a law degree and the smarts to make a difference, whether it's at a different firm, in-house, PI, or whatever. And you are not defined by your employment status. You have a lot going for you, and whether the firm had enough work for you says nothing about how awesome you are. Don't let them bring you down!

Second, step back and remember this is a process. When I was in your shoes I took every rejection as failure, and felt the pressure to land a job ASAP with every action I took. Don't let yourself think that way. One the one hand, if anybody could get any job they wanted instantly, then nobody would care about getting fired. But on the other hand, the labor market is still tight, so you will definitely find something that you can support yourself on. For me, every rejection or missed opportunity felt like a failure, but you can't look at it that way - it's a long game that you're more than capable of winning. Take it day by day and set realistic goals, like apply to X positions this week or connect with at least two colleagues in your network. If you put all of your hope in each step you'll let yourself down, but if you remember that this is a process it will feel like you're making progress every day. And that's the right mindset - the benefits stack up over time. If you keep sending out feelers and working at it you will find something, I'm sure of it.

Third, on that prior topic, I would recommend networking. Getting your resume put on the hiring partner's desk is totally different from mass mailing, and you're more likely to figure out where the need is and fit yourself into it if you go about it from the ground up. As I alluded to before, try to meet with at least one person every week to see what opportunities are out there. You don't have to tell them all the details about your situation - maybe you're just looking for a change.

Fourth, please find someone to check in with at least once every couple days. I'm really glad you posted about how you're feeling online - sometimes just putting it out there can help you feel better. And it's hard to even admit it, so you've taken the hardest step. Definitely do not keep it all bottled up. I did, and ended up being really bad for me. Talk to someone you're close with who knows you better than anons on the internet. That made a big difference for me.

Fifth, do you have a lawyers helping lawyers program in your area? If so, give it a try. We do in my city - it's geared toward everything from depression to drug/alcohol abuse. Lawyers understand the unique position you're in and can help even more because of that.

[Anonymous User]

OP, I was unemployed for a period of time before law school and I had similar feelings - it was a very dark place. You will get through it! A few things that helped me:

First, look at the positives of which I'm sure you have many. As others have suggested you have a law degree and the smarts to make a difference, whether it's at a different firm, in-house, PI, or whatever. And you are not defined by your employment status. You have a lot going for you, and whether the firm had enough work for you says nothing about how awesome you are. Don't let them bring you down!

Second, step back and remember this is a process. When I was in your shoes I took every rejection as failure, and felt the pressure to land a job ASAP with every action I took. Don't let yourself think that way. One the one hand, if anybody could get any job they wanted instantly, then nobody would care about getting fired. But on the other hand, the labor market is still tight, so you will definitely find something that you can support yourself on. For me, every rejection or missed opportunity felt like a failure, but you can't look at it that way - it's a long game that you're more than capable of winning. Take it day by day and set realistic goals, like apply to X positions this week or connect with at least two colleagues in your network. If you put all of your hope in each step you'll let yourself down, but if you remember that this is a process it will feel like you're making progress every day. And that's the right mindset - the benefits stack up over time. If you keep sending out feelers and working at it you will find something, I'm sure of it.

Third, on that prior topic, I would recommend networking. Getting your resume put on the hiring partner's desk is totally different from mass mailing, and you're more likely to figure out where the need is and fit yourself into it if you go about it from the ground up. As I alluded to before, try to meet with at least one person every week to see what opportunities are out there. You don't have to tell them all the details about your situation - maybe you're just looking for a change.

Fourth, please find someone to check in with at least once every couple days. I'm really glad you posted about how you're feeling online - sometimes just putting it out there can help you feel better. And it's hard to even admit it, so you've taken the hardest step. Definitely do not keep it all bottled up. I did, and ended up being really bad for me. Talk to someone you're close with who knows you better than anons on the internet. That made a big difference for me.

Fifth, do you have a lawyers helping lawyers program in your area? If so, give it a try. We do in my city - it's geared toward everything from depression to drug/alcohol abuse. Lawyers understand the unique position you're in and can help even more because of that.

Wow— whoever you are truly thank you. This post was so helpful and made me feel better. I hadn’t considered looking up a local lawyer support network—I googled and found that there is one in my city. I’ve reached out and scheduled to meet with them. Thank you so much.

[Wanderingdrock]

Speak to a therapist. Pay what you need to pay to speak to a good one with experience treating white collar patients. Remember we only have this one life, and there are people who love you and value you and would be hurt if you were gone.

Consider medication, if your doctor or therapist think it could help. Know that it can take a few different tries on different medications to find the one that helps, if that's one of the avenues you and your healthcare professional decide makes sense.

Try to get outside every day for a little bit. Try to exercise every day, at least a little. Sometimes it seems like there's not enough time in the day, but ultimately it's important to remember that 10 years from now, 20 years from now - both you and the people who love you will be happy you stepped out to do this instead of whatever else you were going to do in that time.

Try to eat healthily, but also treat yourself occasionally to anything unhealthy except for alcohol or hard drugs. If you drink, try to do it in moderation - but it's great if you can go cold turkey for a little while as you grapple with what's in your head. Alcohol is a depressant, and also gets in the way of a lot of the other advice in this comment. There's lots of advice online about what kinds of foods are best to help deal with mental health issues, and a lot of that advice is probably bullsh**, but if the advice is to eat blueberries and avocados or whatever, why not? Blueberries are delicious, and maybe they'll help.

And if nothing seems to be helping and the job search is dragging on, don't give up. You are loved. You are valuable. And all of this - whether it's working through mental health issues, finding a job, or anything else big in your life - will take time and effort, but it's worth it in the end, for you and for everyone important in your life.

Oh, and don't worry about doing everything I just said. Do what works for you. Take baby steps. Try to build up healthy habits at your own pace. That's all anybody can do.

[Anonymous User]

Wow— whoever you are truly thank you. This post was so helpful and made me feel better. I hadn’t considered looking up a local lawyer support network—I googled and found that there is one in my city. I’ve reached out and scheduled to meet with them. Thank you so much.

I'm so glad! Hang in there - I know you'll get through this all and end up stronger in the end!

[Anonymous User]

Wow— whoever you are truly thank you. This post was so helpful and made me feel better. I hadn’t considered looking up a local lawyer support network—I googled and found that there is one in my city. I’ve reached out and scheduled to meet with them. Thank you so much.

I'm so glad! Hang in there - I know you'll get through this all and end up stronger in the end!

Just want to add (because I couldn't find the words earlier) - each step you take toward finding your new job is a success because (1) you found an opportunity and (2) you did something about it. Keep racking up the success and you'll find more on the other side.

[Anonymous User]

I do not have anything profound or perhaps even actionable to add, but I was very recently, as in the last few days, quite concerned about not securing employment that would justify my decision to attend law school in the first place. I had negative ideation as well. The foregoing is not all to trivialize how emotionally demoralizing job hunting is, but I would consider how much more to life there is than having a particular job.
It may not be helpful to you specifically, but it helped me to consider that so many people, globally and throughout history, have experienced tragedy or hardship and yet most of us rightfully consider their lives to have still been worth living. Indeed, it is when things do not go to plan that we truly know we are alive, and that is something to be cherished. Just remember that your career as a lawyer does not define you. Regardless of circumstances, you still have the opportunity to make such a profound difference in the lives of others around you. If not for yourself, for them.

[nls336]

Okay here are three things you can do right now to regain a sense of control over your current situation and future:

(1) Go get on The Possee List as soon as you feel you are ready to give work a shot: https://www.theposselist.com/ and get yourself connected with some temporary work, like document review. Most of this work is low energy with a somewhat fair pay & will give you mindshare to plan your next move with income coming in. I have known so many lawyers/attorneys/recent graduates who have filled what could have otherwise been "gaps" in their career that they were worried about presenting with temporary positions. Someone that I know has saved over $100,000 by socking away their Possee List earnings while working another job. It is fully possible to maintain a decent income just by doing various doc review projects. Next, to the best of your ability, get yourself out of any substantial costs/liabilities like leases, if you're worried about money, and then get in a car and yourself home with people who love you and who will watch out for you. Tell them!! that you are !! Struggling!! do not just keep it inside. Let them know you're going through a tough time and need their support.

(2) go take a nap. Suicidal ideation increases with sleep issues and general deprivation. You may find yourself waking up incredibly early, that's a fairly good sign of depression if you don't otherwise wake up early and/or you do it with anxiety. I'm not talking 6am, I'm talking sub 5am. I wake up around 4:00am when I am extremely depressed.

(3) find a counselor or someone to talk to. Your life is NOT over, just that job is. And it's just a job. There are literally millions like it, but nobody on earth like you. It may feel these rejections are personal, and it may take you time to find a job, it took two very qualified awesome candidates that I know over 1 year to find work. But, as soon as they did the offers rolled in. Take this time to ask yourself if you really liked being a lawyer in that capacity. Do some volunteer work on the side. Get involved with people who are in need of help even if it's just writing a Letter to an abusive landlord for a friend. Take the time to connect with the other living creatures around you who need help, recognize where your life excels for you, and only move in the direction of things that bring you joy. Instead of being afraid of the boundless future, recognize it as open and waiting for you to do something with it. You are valuable. You matter to me. I want you here and can't wait to see what you do with the remainder of your long, healthy, wonderful life. This could be the worst day of your life, but you never have to live it twice and it could be the last worst day of your life depending on your mindset.

Wishing you luck. Reach out if you ever need to chat.

[Res Ipsa Loquitter]

I feel for you, OP. I would do anything I can to reduce day to day living costs and bills. Do you have a spouse or children who rely on you for financial support? If not, that’s good for flexibility. And if yes, you have a financial and emotional safety net because he/she can work too. How much time is left on your apartment lease and can you break that lease?

You know your situation better than I do, but I’m 99.9% sure you have better options than suicide. Try to get a job that pays biglaw scale, but if you can’t, there are other legal jobs that are still great to have (especially if it comes with a lower CoL area).

[Anonymous User]

I feel for you, OP. I would do anything I can to reduce day to day living costs and bills. Do you have a spouse or children who rely on you for financial support? If not, that’s good for flexibility. And if yes, you have a financial and emotional safety net because he/she can work too. How much time is left on your apartment lease and can you break that lease?

You know your situation better than I do, but I’m 99.9% sure you have better options than suicide. Try to get a job that pays biglaw scale, but if you can’t, there are other legal jobs that are still great to have (especially if it comes with a lower CoL area).

Thanks. Single—unable to break lease unfortunately but I have savings that would last me until the end of the term and I could move in with family if need be. Casting a wider net with applications and not limiting to just legal jobs

[Anonymous User]

I’ve had the same thoughts since I was a teenager and they only got worse in biglaw. I had a work gap and it helped me immensely. You truly get lost in all the BS. This opportunity will help you find yourself again and you’ll be happier, guaranteed. Get out and do fun stuff, good luck.

[CanadianWolf]

What is your practice area ?

What did you study in college ?

You need to take every opportunity to search for a new position. You are on a website full of lawyers who have knowledge of open positions and of people who have transitioned out of law to another profession which fit with their practice area.

So, again, what is your practice area ? And what did you study prior to entering law school ?

[Res Ipsa Loquitter]

I feel for you, OP. I would do anything I can to reduce day to day living costs and bills. Do you have a spouse or children who rely on you for financial support? If not, that’s good for flexibility. And if yes, you have a financial and emotional safety net because he/she can work too. How much time is left on your apartment lease and can you break that lease?

You know your situation better than I do, but I’m 99.9% sure you have better options than suicide. Try to get a job that pays biglaw scale, but if you can’t, there are other legal jobs that are still great to have (especially if it comes with a lower CoL area).

Thanks. Single—unable to break lease unfortunately but I have savings that would last me until the end of the term and I could move in with family if need be. Casting a wider net with applications and not limiting to just legal jobs

If you’ve got family to move in with if need be, and cash to survive until end of the lease, then you’re in good position to job search financially. I would still suggest therapy though, because it’s harder to get hired when depressed / unhappy. Think of it as an investment. Good luck.

[Lopodop]

1) NYU is doing research with MDMA. Read about it. It's the cutting edge of psychiatry.
2) Picture this. Went to non-ABA law school. Lived in rooming house with bathroom down the hall, near downtown San Diego. $150 a month. Drove a $200 moped to law school. Handlebars broke since I would put the grocery bag on them, so I'm using hose clamps to brace the handlebars since I could not afford to get them welded. Working part time job selling magazines over the phone for $3.35/hr. Just sayin.

[Anonymous User]

I feel for you, OP. I would do anything I can to reduce day to day living costs and bills. Do you have a spouse or children who rely on you for financial support? If not, that’s good for flexibility. And if yes, you have a financial and emotional safety net because he/she can work too. How much time is left on your apartment lease and can you break that lease?

You know your situation better than I do, but I’m 99.9% sure you have better options than suicide. Try to get a job that pays biglaw scale, but if you can’t, there are other legal jobs that are still great to have (especially if it comes with a lower CoL area).

Thanks. Single—unable to break lease unfortunately but I have savings that would last me until the end of the term and I could move in with family if need be. Casting a wider net with applications and not limiting to just legal jobs

If you’ve got family to move in with if need be, and cash to survive until end of the lease, then you’re in good position to job search financially. I would still suggest therapy though, because it’s harder to get hired when depressed / unhappy. Think of it as an investment. Good luck.

Thanks-- I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me advice; it's rare to see kindness among strangers online. Scheduling my therapy appointment this week-- really hope it helps

[Anonymous User]

Wow— whoever you are truly thank you. This post was so helpful and made me feel better. I hadn’t considered looking up a local lawyer support network—I googled and found that there is one in my city. I’ve reached out and scheduled to meet with them. Thank you so much.

I'm so glad! Hang in there - I know you'll get through this all and end up stronger in the end!

Just want to add (because I couldn't find the words earlier) - each step you take toward finding your new job is a success because (1) you found an opportunity and (2) you did something about it. Keep racking up the success and you'll find more on the other side.

Checking in - you doing okay?