Dating another associate at firm Forum

[Anonymous User]

Dating another associate in my group at my firm. We have been together for a while now and it is serious. We have never worked on the same matter and are close in class year. Do we still need to disclose to the partners and/or HR? Has anyone else been in this position or had associates in their group disclose this?

Can’t find anything about this in our HR policy…

[Anonymous User]

If you are, as you say, close in class year (like, no more than 2 years separates you), then no. This is quite common actually. Also, I hate to say this, but it's true: if this is a heterosexual relationship and the guy is senior, then there's more risk here and it may be worth disclosing even if you don't *have* to.

[Anonymous User]

I would disclose it to HR. I don’t really see the downside—they’ll probably just make sure to not staff you on the same matters.

I was in a somewhat similar situation (different groups though), and we disclosed to HR.

[Anonymous User]

My firm has a formal policy about this. It has to be disclosed to HR. If you don’t think you have one, I’d still disclose anyway.

I assume the only thing that will happen is that you will be kept from working on the same matter together.

[Anonymous User]

I think it definitely happens more than one would think. I keep to myself, but there are enough married people at my firm who found their partner at the firm. So wouldn't surprise me if there are many more office romances going on and even more so that have failed or are just casual flings where the excitement of doc review got to people.

I think you can disclosure if you're for sure it's serious and will be together for a good amount of time more. Nobody wants to be dealing with the fall out of a public office-romance break up.

[Anonymous User]

Read your firm's handbook and, if the answer's not in there, ask a partner you trust. I believe most employers require you to disclose a dating relationship with a co-worker for HR/liability purposes (i.e., sexual harassment, retaliation) in the event things go south. The firm doesn't want to be held responsible.

[Anonymous User]

Also, I hate to say this, but it's true: if this is a heterosexual relationship and the guy is senior, then there's more risk here and it may be worth disclosing even if you don't *have* to.

sounds like thinly-vieled sexism

[Anonymous User]

Also, I hate to say this, but it's true: if this is a heterosexual relationship and the guy is senior, then there's more risk here and it may be worth disclosing even if you don't *have* to.

sounds like thinly-vieled sexism

Yes, biglaw culture is generally permeated by some amount of sexism. So it's a legitimate observation of a sexist culture and a worthy thing to keep in mind in navigating this situation. Also, do a westlaw search of sexual harassment cases and you will find that the vast majority involve situations in which the bad actor is male and the victim is female. So there's that.

[Anonymous User]

Also, I hate to say this, but it's true: if this is a heterosexual relationship and the guy is senior, then there's more risk here and it may be worth disclosing even if you don't *have* to.

sounds like thinly-vieled sexism

Yes, biglaw culture is generally permeated by some amount of sexism. So it's a legitimate observation of a sexist culture and a worthy thing to keep in mind in navigating this situation. Also, do a westlaw search of sexual harassment cases and you will find that the vast majority involve situations in which the bad actor is male and the victim is female. So there's that.

True, but there is no reason to make the jump from "I have a relationship on the workfloor" to "better report him, as he might be harassing you and you don't even know it/you're covered in the future as it's likely he will start harassing you."

[Anonymous User]

Also, I hate to say this, but it's true: if this is a heterosexual relationship and the guy is senior, then there's more risk here and it may be worth disclosing even if you don't *have* to.

sounds like thinly-vieled sexism

Yes, biglaw culture is generally permeated by some amount of sexism. So it's a legitimate observation of a sexist culture and a worthy thing to keep in mind in navigating this situation. Also, do a westlaw search of sexual harassment cases and you will find that the vast majority involve situations in which the bad actor is male and the victim is female. So there's that.

True, but there is no reason to make the jump from "I have a relationship on the workfloor" to "better report him, as he might be harassing you and you don't even know it/you're covered in the future as it's likely he will start harassing you."

I took this the other way - if you make the relationship "official" with the firm, it will protect the guy from being unfairly accused of harassment. (Not saying that I necessarily agree with this advice, but that was what I understood it to be saying, that the risk would be to the man.)

[Anonymous User]

Also, I hate to say this, but it's true: if this is a heterosexual relationship and the guy is senior, then there's more risk here and it may be worth disclosing even if you don't *have* to.

sounds like thinly-vieled sexism

Yes, biglaw culture is generally permeated by some amount of sexism. So it's a legitimate observation of a sexist culture and a worthy thing to keep in mind in navigating this situation. Also, do a westlaw search of sexual harassment cases and you will find that the vast majority involve situations in which the bad actor is male and the victim is female. So there's that.

True, but there is no reason to make the jump from "I have a relationship on the workfloor" to "better report him, as he might be harassing you and you don't even know it/you're covered in the future as it's likely he will start harassing you."

I took this the other way - if you make the relationship "official" with the firm, it will protect the guy from being unfairly accused of harassment. (Not saying that I necessarily agree with this advice, but that was what I understood it to be saying, that the risk would be to the man.)

Yeah, I’m a dude and would definitely disclose. Actually, I wouldn’t date anyone I worked with, but if I did, I’d definitely disclose and do everything possible to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

[Monochromatic Oeuvre]

I did this and never once considered telling HR. There's literally no upside to doing that and it's not their fucking business anyway.

[Anonymous User]

I did this and never once considered telling HR. There's literally no upside to doing that and it's not their fucking business anyway.

Yeah I tend to agree. Unless there is a specific policy requiring that you disclose, I would keep it to myself. I know more than one couple that met at work and ended up getting married who did not disclose while they were dating. One couple worked at a firm with a strict policy against such relationships, which they ignored but were as discreet as they could be. It worked out for them (both left the firm for different reasons before they got married), but that always seemed dangerous to my risk-averse self.

[Lesion of Doom]

I wouldn't disclose unless you are working on the same deals. You can always lateral if necessary.