Partner commenting on weight? Forum

[Anonymous User]

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up. I’ve kind of tried to shrug it off as being not wildly inappropriate as we are both the same gender, and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems kinda sketchy. Is this worth flagging somehow, either with HR or just through a conversation? Anyone with similar experience?

[nixy]

It’s shitty because people shouldn’t comment on other people’s bodies, but not sure it’s worth saying something about.

In the real world, the next time they brought it up you could just nicely ask them not to comment on your weight (you could play it off as just your weird quirk that it makes you feel self-conscious, rather than calling it out as a shitty thing to do), but I get that it could be really awkward saying that to a partner. If they’re a nice person though they probably don’t want to make you uncomfortable, though.

But not sure what HR can do about it besides tell the partner not do say that any more and that seems way more awkward.

I suppose in part it depends on how much it bugs you (again, to be clear, it’s a shitty thing to do).

[Anonymous User]

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up. I’ve kind of tried to shrug it off as being not wildly inappropriate as we are both the same gender, and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems kinda sketchy. Is this worth flagging somehow, either with HR or just through a conversation? Anyone with similar experience?

The next time the partner says this, don't play along at all. Don't laugh along with it. Literally don't say saying. Let the moment be weird and awkward. After a few seconds pass, change the subject and don't sound jovial or amused in your tone of voice. If the partner has any social awareness or emotional intelligence, the partner will pick up that such comments are not welcome and the partner hopefully stop.

[Anonymous User]

Totally inappropriate, but I agree this is a tough one to try to raise. Does this ever happen in front of other people? If you're comfortable confiding in another associate, they may be able to back you up. If someone told me that something a partner was saying (that was objectively inappropriate) was bothering them, I'd be happy to say "I'm not sure that's workplace appropriate" the next time I hear it. Sometimes one comment bringing it to the surface is deterrent enough.

[CanadianWolf]

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up. I’ve kind of tried to shrug it off as being not wildly inappropriate as we are both the same gender, and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems kinda sketchy. Is this worth flagging somehow, either with HR or just through a conversation? Anyone with similar experience?

The comments are "wildly inappropriate".

[Prudent_Jurist]

I’ve had similar comments from a named partner about me “slimming down,” or “losing a few pounds.” Same gender as me.

On a personal level, I’m active enough that I know they’re full of shit. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting.

On a professional level, it’s wildly inappropriate. In my situation, I’m willing to just shrug it off and bear it. This guy’s going to retire or die soon. Similar to the above, I let the comment pass, don’t respond to it or acknowledge it, and carry on with whatever I was doing or saying.

It’s my doctor’s job to tell me to lose weight, not my boss’s.

[Anonymous User]

Seems very weird and like this person totally lacks boundaries. If I wanted to work with them again I’d probably ignore. If I didn’t want to work with them again I’d ask them to please stop.

[Anonymous User]

I was told pretty bluntly by one of my bosses at a prior firm that clients, judges, and juries would have a negative impression of me as a "big sloppy fat guy" even though I was a very good lawyer. Great conversation, really awesome.

[Anonymous User]

Raise a complaint to create a record, and if partner does it again, burn the place to the fucking ground. Anti-harassments laws exist for a reason, OP, and you have to get yours ($$$) if they don't comply.

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up. I’ve kind of tried to shrug it off as being not wildly inappropriate as we are both the same gender, and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems kinda sketchy. Is this worth flagging somehow, either with HR or just through a conversation? Anyone with similar experience?

The next time he says this, don't play along at all. Don't laugh along with it. Literally don't say saying. Let the moment be weird and awkward. After a few seconds pass, change the subject and don't sound jovial or amused in your tone of voice. If the partner has any social awareness or emotional intelligence, he will pick up that such comments are not welcome and he'll hopefully stop.

Way to assume the partner's gender. Partner could just as easily have been a female (sis or t). Your assumption seems harmless on its face, but these assumptions add up and compound to give us the problems we have today.

[Anonymous User]

Don’t those laws only cover certain protected classes who are harassed on the basis of their membership in that class? Skinny people aren’t a protected class

Raise a complaint to create a record, and if partner does it again, burn the place to the fucking ground. Anti-harassments laws exist for a reason, OP, and you have to get yours ($$$) if they don't comply.

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up. I’ve kind of tried to shrug it off as being not wildly inappropriate as we are both the same gender, and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems kinda sketchy. Is this worth flagging somehow, either with HR or just through a conversation? Anyone with similar experience?

The next time he says this, don't play along at all. Don't laugh along with it. Literally don't say saying. Let the moment be weird and awkward. After a few seconds pass, change the subject and don't sound jovial or amused in your tone of voice. If the partner has any social awareness or emotional intelligence, he will pick up that such comments are not welcome and he'll hopefully stop.

Way to assume the partner's gender. Partner could just as easily have been a female (sis or t). Your assumption seems harmless on its face, but these assumptions add up and compound to give us the problems we have today.

[nixy]

Don’t those laws only cover certain protected classes who are harassed on the basis of their membership in that class? Skinny people aren’t a protected class

Raise a complaint to create a record, and if partner does it again, burn the place to the fucking ground. Anti-harassments laws exist for a reason, OP, and you have to get yours ($$$) if they don't comply.

I mean, in theory it could be gender-based harassment if the criticisms are connected to some kind of assumptions about gender presentation. It seems a stretch and I think it's kind of the nuclear option, though.

[Anonymous User]

Raise a complaint to create a record, and if partner does it again, burn the place to the fucking ground. Anti-harassments laws exist for a reason, OP, and you have to get yours ($$$) if they don't comply.

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up. I’ve kind of tried to shrug it off as being not wildly inappropriate as we are both the same gender, and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems kinda sketchy. Is this worth flagging somehow, either with HR or just through a conversation? Anyone with similar experience?

The next time he says this, don't play along at all. Don't laugh along with it. Literally don't say saying. Let the moment be weird and awkward. After a few seconds pass, change the subject and don't sound jovial or amused in your tone of voice. If the partner has any social awareness or emotional intelligence, he will pick up that such comments are not welcome and he'll hopefully stop.

Way to assume the partner's gender. Partner could just as easily have been a female (sis or t). Your assumption seems harmless on its face, but these assumptions add up and compound to give us the problems we have today.

You're right. I apologize and have have revised the comment. Also, I think you meant "cis" instead of "sis".

[Anonymous User]

Someone at my firm said I could “stand to lose a few.” I told them to fuck off. You need to nip it in the bud when it happens. This was a senior associate, so I felt comfortable clapping back. Obviously more difficult when it’s a partner.

[Anonymous User]

One time I was in a partner’s office with said partner and a senior associate. I was a junior associate. We were on the phone with another junior associate of the opposite sex who was on our deal team — she was going to come visit our office in the next week or so. I think I said to her something like “looking forward to meeting you” to which the Partner said to her something like “don’t worry, he’s definitely not good looking” or something like that. I obviously just jumped out the window.

[Anonymous User]

Why do we need a thread for this? And why is it awkward? It's a partner. They don't own you. You gotta tell them it's not okay. Everyone needs to have some basic level of self esteem irrespective of how much the firm's paying you.

[Anonymous User]

Why do you need to be anonymous to make this comment? Why is it awkward? It’s a bunch of strangers on the internet. They don’t own you. You gotta tell them yourself. Everyone’s gotta have some basic level of self esteem irrespective of the shade someone throw’s at your username.

[Prudent_Jurist]

Damn … I didn’t mean to hit anon on that last comment, but now that I think about it, that’s kind of funny.

[BeeTeeZ]

On a couple occasions I’ve had a partner in my group at a v100 comment on how I’m too skinny or need to be fattened up.

Perhaps a little humor could diffuse the situation. Next time respond by telling the partner "you obviously don't have that problem, so can you give me some pro tips?"

[Giro423]

Damn … I didn’t mean to hit anon on that last comment, but now that I think about it, that’s kind of funny.

The last *two* comments

[nixy]

Damn … I didn’t mean to hit anon on that last comment, but now that I think about it, that’s kind of funny.

The last *two* comments

No, they’re different comments.

[Prudent_Jurist]

Damn … I didn’t mean to hit anon on that last comment, but now that I think about it, that’s kind of funny.

The last *two* comments

I’m sorry. I guess I made the second comment too subtle. I didn’t write the first.

[Fozzyfuzzy]

Don’t those laws only cover certain protected classes who are harassed on the basis of their membership in that class? Skinny people aren’t a protected class

Raise a complaint to create a record, and if partner does it again, burn the place to the fucking ground. Anti-harassments laws exist for a reason, OP, and you have to get yours ($$$) if they don't comply.

I mean, in theory it could be gender-based harassment if the criticisms are connected to some kind of assumptions about gender presentation. It seems a stretch and I think it's kind of the nuclear option, though.

Comments like this are not even close to rising to the necessary level of severity to be successful in a harassment claim, even if it were gender-based. Which is another reason to not go to HR about this. I think the best solution is something another commenter already said—next time this happens, just don’t respond, be silent for a few seconds, and change the subject. Maybe even throw a glare in there. They’ll get the point.

[Anonymous User]

OP tell her that it makes you uncomfortable.

[Anonymous User]

Don’t those laws only cover certain protected classes who are harassed on the basis of their membership in that class? Skinny people aren’t a protected class

Raise a complaint to create a record, and if partner does it again, burn the place to the fucking ground. Anti-harassments laws exist for a reason, OP, and you have to get yours ($$$) if they don't comply.

I mean, in theory it could be gender-based harassment if the criticisms are connected to some kind of assumptions about gender presentation. It seems a stretch and I think it's kind of the nuclear option, though.

Comments like this are not even close to rising to the necessary level of severity to be successful in a harassment claim, even if it were gender-based. Which is another reason to not go to HR about this. I think the best solution is something another commenter already said—next time this happens, just don’t respond, be silent for a few seconds, and change the subject. Maybe even throw a glare in there. They’ll get the point.

Isn't the reason to go to HR to create a record of it in case there's some adverse action against the employee and not necessarily to take any action on it? Or is this something HR would be obligated to do something about, if told?

[Anonymous User]

I was told pretty bluntly by one of my bosses at a prior firm that clients, judges, and juries would have a negative impression of me as a "big sloppy fat guy" even though I was a very good lawyer. Great conversation, really awesome.

Rude of him to say, but also true and the stats bear this out. People have a poor view of fat people. Maybe that will change now that so many people are fat and it’s not just the outliers.