Telling a Partner to F off Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hi folks,

Working with a partner for the first time (I don't care about the relationship, to the extent this changes advice) -- fourth or fifth weekend in a row that their comments arrive on a Friday or Saturday evening, in each case to document(s) that have been in their possession for anywhere from 4 days to 2 weeks, and pushed to where the timing requires immediate action to address and transmit the documents.

Other than vowing to never work with this partner again, any way you've found to [as respectfully as possible while getting the point across] communicate to them that this shit is ridiculous?

For additional context, there are no client obligations or reason for this to happen over and over again -- not especially complicated documents, but extensive commentary requiring research and revision, always arriving on Fri-Sat evening (to include holiday weekends).

Thanks.

Editing to add: the partner isn't that busy.
Editing again to add: midlevel corp. associate.

FINAL EDIT TO SAY: I don't want tips to mitigate the pain, to avoid the person, or anything else. I'm looking for examples/methods to tell this person they are a complete piece of garbage, professionally. Thank you.

[LBJ's Hair]

my guess is like, the partner knows this isn't ideal. s/he either forgot about the documents, got to it last minute. or s/he just waited until absolutely had to and doesn't care that it inconvenienced you.

best way to deal with this going forward is to follow up on your emails. you send something, don't hear anything, ping this person about it. do it multiple times if you have to.

but I don't see much purpose to communicating that you're unhappy about them sitting on stuff. unlikely it's gonna change behavior

[Anonymous User]

my guess is like, the partner knows this isn't ideal. s/he either forgot about the documents, got to it last minute. or s/he just waited until absolutely had to and doesn't care that it inconvenienced you.

best way to deal with this going forward is to follow up on your emails. you send something, don't hear anything, ping this person about it. do it multiple times if you have to.

but I don't see much purpose to communicating that you're unhappy about them sitting on stuff. unlikely it's gonna change behavior

Thank you for your reply -- I should have included that this person requests documents to be re-sent to them multiple times during the period between initial receipt and sending of their comments.

I don't need changed behavior, I just want them to know they are a complete piece of shit [without getting in trouble.]

[LBJ's Hair]

my guess is like, the partner knows this isn't ideal. s/he either forgot about the documents, got to it last minute. or s/he just waited until absolutely had to and doesn't care that it inconvenienced you.

best way to deal with this going forward is to follow up on your emails. you send something, don't hear anything, ping this person about it. do it multiple times if you have to.

but I don't see much purpose to communicating that you're unhappy about them sitting on stuff. unlikely it's gonna change behavior

Thank you for your reply -- I should have included that this person requests documents to be re-sent to them multiple times during the period between initial receipt and sending of their comments.

I don't need changed behavior, I just want them to know they are a complete piece of shit [without getting in trouble.]

ah, unfortunate. partner seems like a PoS. I got nothing then

[Dcc617]

Six figure lateral bonuses?

[Lesion of Doom]

What happens if you don't respond? I got an email recently on Saturday at 6:00pm and responded, "Sorry, out of the evening, but happy to do tomorrow morning." He was annoyed, but who cares.

Mind you, I was just watching the NBA playoffs and didn't appreciate the ask. Now that people are out and about, this seems doable to me.

[Anonymous User]

Six figure lateral bonuses?

OP here:

I like where your head is, but that doesn't make clear to this particular person that I hope they F off forever.

[Anonymous User]

What happens if you don't respond? I got an email recently on Saturday at 6:00pm and responded, "Sorry, out of the evening, but happy to do tomorrow morning." He was annoyed, but who cares.

Mind you, I was just watching the NBA playoffs and didn't appreciate the ask. Now that people are out and about, this seems doable to me.

Thus far it has been anywhere from 2-6 or 7 hours of work turning the comments each time, and normally I have some plans at some point since, shocking to the partnership I'm sure, I am a human with a life and family. So I either do the work when received and stay up until 2 a.m., or I wait until the next day and do it all morning (or all day).

[nixy]

I don't need changed behavior, I just want them to know they are a complete piece of shit [without getting in trouble.]

I get that this absolutely sucks, but I would get over wanting to tell them this. What purpose does it actually serve? Even if it doesn’t get you in trouble, they clearly don’t care, and have no issues with inconveniencing you to suit their schedule. You’re not going to change their mind. So what reaction are you hoping to get from them that would make you feel better? Because self-righteous unloading on someone who deserves it isn’t actually that satisfying when they just don’t get it at all.

[Anonymous User]

I don't need changed behavior, I just want them to know they are a complete piece of shit [without getting in trouble.]

I get that this absolutely sucks, but I would get over wanting to tell them this. What purpose does it actually serve? Even if it doesn’t get you in trouble, they clearly don’t care, and have no issues with inconveniencing you to suit their schedule. You’re not going to change their mind. So what reaction are you hoping to get from them that would make you feel better? Because self-righteous unloading on someone who deserves it isn’t actually that satisfying when they just don’t get it at all.

Am I the only person here who gets some pleasure out of telling someone they're an asshole? I don't need them to change their behavior nor do I expect them to. I just want them to know I recognize they are an asshole. That would make me feel better.

[Dcc617]

Six figure lateral bonuses?

OP here:

I like where your head is, but that doesn't make clear to this particular person that I hope they F off forever.

I mean, one of my friends just went from applying to clearing conflicts in 8 days. You can be putting in notice in like a week if you want, with an extra $100K. Then you can tell the partner to shove it with no fear.

[Lacepiece23]

This is probably bad advice. But I have heard of associates just telling partners to fuck off. Mostly their careers ended up fine and they didn’t have to work for said partner again.

Other partners probably know this partner is an asshole and won’t really care all that much in the grand schemes. Associates have more leverage than they ever exercise.

We are just spineless.

[whats an updog]

absent literally telling them to fuck off, i'd just not reply until long after they email with a reply that is obviously from your phone that says "i'm out of pocket and cannot handle until [XYZ time]." if, as you say, they're not busy, they can handle the turn themselves if they can't wait. show no remorse.

[Anonymous User]

You said you don’t care about your relationship with this partner, but do you care about your job (regardless of the demand for corporate mids right now)?

The short answer is no, there is no polite or acceptable way to tell a partner they’re an asshole.

I would never tell a partner or anyone they are an asshole, whether polite or not. It’s completely unproductive, can trigger or motivate said partner to essentially make your life a living hell, you never know who said partner is tight with (my nemesis turned out to be related by marriage to global chair), you will develop a reputation (which may be admired by some and looked down upon by others), and so on.

If you say anything that comes off as disrespectful to him/her, you’re just giving that partner ammo to use against you and it won’t offend them, they don’t give a shit what you think of them - they know associates hate them.

As others have said above, actions speak louder than words so turn down said partners work even if you’re slow, delay your responses, etc. Enforcing your boundaries says it all without saying it out loud or in writing. Believe me, he’ll know you don’t like him and pretty much think he’s an asshole.

My pleasure comes from telling some ego-inflated partner “no”.

[CanadianWolf]

Does the partner behave this way just toward you ?

Or does this partner treat other associates in a similar fashion ?

Is there a partner with whom you are close & can share your concerns in an effort to get advice as to how to handle this situation ?

[jarofsoup]

“Thanks I am a bit jammed up this weekend. I can get this to you on Monday afternoon does that still work?”

Even if not a true statement...I usually try to channel my anger into an ultra nice email. Like maybe even a bit over the top. This may not be a good example.

[nixy]

I don't need changed behavior, I just want them to know they are a complete piece of shit [without getting in trouble.]

I get that this absolutely sucks, but I would get over wanting to tell them this. What purpose does it actually serve? Even if it doesn’t get you in trouble, they clearly don’t care, and have no issues with inconveniencing you to suit their schedule. You’re not going to change their mind. So what reaction are you hoping to get from them that would make you feel better? Because self-righteous unloading on someone who deserves it isn’t actually that satisfying when they just don’t get it at all.

Am I the only person here who gets some pleasure out of telling someone they're an asshole? I don't need them to change their behavior nor do I expect them to. I just want them to know I recognize they are an asshole. That would make me feel better.

Would it? Have you done this a lot? Because superficially it seems like it would be satisfying, but I think that’s based on an unspoken assumption that the person you say this to will have some kind of reaction - ideally acknowledging they’ve done wrong and apologizing, or at the least getting pissed off about it, so you can feel like you’ve made some kind of emotional hit. I think in reality that doesn’t always happen. If you want them to know that you *recognize* that they’re an asshole, it doesn’t work if they fundamentally don’t believe they’re being an asshole and believe they’re justified. You saying you think they’re an asshole isn’t going to make them acknowledge they’re being an asshole. How satisfying will it be if their response is basically, “I don’t think you get what your role is here, now what’s the status of that assignment in case X?”

[Grazzhoppa]

“Thanks I don’t have time to turn these this weekend. Could you please incorporate these comments since we need to get the docs out?”

If he pushes back just note that you sent him the docs 4-14 days ago and that it is Friday evening. He’s just taking advantage of you so stop letting it happen.

[Anonymous User]

Not suggesting it’s the best advice, but I would just start dragging out the response. If I get an email that’s inconsiderate bullshit, I intentionally will wait to respond until I’m ready. If it’s Saturday, I may wait until Monday morning. If there’s a follow up, then I’d say I’m unable to get to it, but again after a delay (couple hours) in responding.

Edit: Corp senior associate.

[elmar]

“Thanks I am a bit jammed up this weekend. I can get this to you on Monday afternoon does that still work?”

Even if not a true statement...I usually try to channel my anger into an ultra nice email. Like maybe even a bit over the top. This may not be a good example.

My variation is to schedule or invent an obligation that isn't movable and justifies unavailability to get ahead of any pushback. Medical appointments/treatment, traveling, etc.

[Anonymous User]

Dude, OP:

Reality check. Calling someone an asshole to their face and so and so is completely unacceptable in elite professional services. It’s actually worse than what the partner is doing and you simply cannot do it.

This industry is about passive aggression and plausible deniability. Don’t respond to the email if you really don’t want to do it until you are ready to. There is nothing in writing that way. Being very polite and apologetic if confronted about it but repeatedly not responding in a timely way to these requests sends a very clear message to the partner to be more respectful with sitting on requests for last-minute turns.

Personally, I am a fan of saying the email went into my spam folder.

[zanderjames]

OP has made it pretty clear that s/he doesn't want advice on whether to send an F-off email; s/he just wants to know how to do it. If you're trying to have an adult conversation with this partner, you should actually put something on their calendar for a conversation (in person, zoom, call, whatever) and candidly tell them that you're finding it difficult to be responsive and provide the high caliber work you want to provide given the circumstances, noting how this is happening repeatedly and the delays are always on the partner's end. You should also just stop taking assignments from the partner on new matters. The partner will get the idea. I just don't expect the partner to care or to change his/her work style.

FWIW, I agree that this is a pretty dumb idea. Partners do not have to care about what associates think. Chances are, there are more than enough associates (i.e., more than 0) who will do the partner's bidding so that partner probably doesn't care what this particular associate thinks. And if this is biglaw, the partner's attitude is likely that OP is compensated for the inconvenience; they aren't paying $200K+ in base salary and massive bonuses for OP's legal brilliance. They're paying for his/her availability to execute on client needs. That's the Faustian bargain you struck. I'm not saying this is ok--I'm just saying that informs the partner's attitude and reduces the likelihood that the F-off email has any impact on the partner.

[Anonymous User]

I take the opposite approach with partners that I don't care about. I'm not aggressive or passive aggressive, I just communicate (but w/ a few lie sprinkles). For instance:

"Hi Partner ABC, I know you're very busy, but would it be possible for you to have a chat about what your needs are during the week? I sent these edits to you quite a few days ago and have XYZ care obligations during the weekend, so, I am not available to spend 6-7 hours doing work that could have been done between the time I sent it and the weekend. If this is a problem, please let me know and we can circle back with someone else to help mediate expectations. Thanks."

If this doesn't work -- convert to Judaism and start celebrating the sabbath?

[nixy]

I'm so amused that even with the OP saying multiple times that they're not interested in changing the person's behavior/expectations, they just want to tell the person they're an asshole, everyone is posting in with advice how to deal with the underlying behavior/expectations. Changing the underlying behavior is just so much more sensible.

[NYto200K]

Partner,

I don't have capacity for this.

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p.s. ur pathetic