Those with foreign backgrounds--how do you deal with a feeling of loneliness? Forum

[Anonymous User]

I have been doing well -- a summer associate at V30 in a major market, median at T10, receiving $$ scholarship and family sponsorship so little debt. I am not a socially awkward person at all and get a mid-summer review that I'm a pleasant person to work with.

I put efforts in networking, but whenever attending formal or informal social events, I just can't avoid feeling that I don't really belong to people there. I knew this is a world dominated by white male, but I feel being a non-white foreigner really puts me in the minority of minority...Maybe that's just because I am homesick now and missing my family in home country so much.

Anyone who is or was in the same position? Just want to get some advice how I can deal with this feeling of being an alien, make good relationships, and further survive in a big law environment.

[Anonymous User]

Here we go again. I’m also a foreigner from an Asian country. A lot of times, you just have to be two faced in the professional setting, and this is not limited to just non-white male minorities. Certain personalities just ten to excel more in The law firm/white collar environment, and yes cultural upbringing places a role but you can’t let it define and you and play the victim card if you don’t have a confident mentality going in. As a coping strategy, you just have to have a game face where you have to learn about US culture and try to fit in. You can relax when socializing in the non-professional setting. One of the worst things you could do (not limited to foreigners) is to form an exclusive clique in the workplace and talk about your white coworkers. Being Chinese in my former workplace (non law) I know many Chinese colleagues form a clique together and talk about the white people as “wai guo ren” ie foreigners, which is pretty ironic. I refused to engage in that.

[Anonymous User]

This is a tough situation. I don't feel like I'm a "foreigner" but I am foreign-born (raised mostly in US). I don't have an accent but I am Asian so I stick out in my all white law firm. Unfortunately, the only solution has been to try to act as white-American as possible . . . that seems to be the only way to get rid of implicit bias or at least reduce its negative effects as much as possible. Most people will always try to understand your culture and be sensitive to it, but it's always a little bit uncomfortable (although I've mostly gotten used to it). You're right that you should not form exclusive cliques in the workplace. Do you have any racial minorities at your firm, especially partners? Seeking them out and making them your inform mentor can really help--that's what I did.

[Anonymous User]

Most people will always try to understand your culture and be sensitive to it, but it's always a little bit uncomfortable (although I've mostly gotten used to it).

A slight tangent, but after a couple of years I got comfortable using this as a sword to take time off. I was always concerned about taking days off for cultural/religious holidays or celebrations which was tough because my whole family would get together. But I realized that people may not really understand but at least they’ll try to respect it or pretend to so they don’t come off as bigots

It’s just a matter of exposure. Most WASP partners don’t think twice when observant Jews take the high holidays off, for example, but that’s because they’ve been exposed to it.

[Anonymous User]

Here we go again. I’m also a foreigner from an Asian country. A lot of times, you just have to be two faced in the professional setting, and this is not limited to just non-white male minorities. Certain personalities just ten to excel more in The law firm/white collar environment, and yes cultural upbringing places a role but you can’t let it define and you and play the victim card if you don’t have a confident mentality going in. As a coping strategy, you just have to have a game face where you have to learn about US culture and try to fit in. You can relax when socializing in the non-professional setting. One of the worst things you could do (not limited to foreigners) is to form an exclusive clique in the workplace and talk about your white coworkers. Being Chinese in my former workplace (non law) I know many Chinese colleagues form a clique together and talk about the white people as “wai guo ren” ie foreigners, which is pretty ironic. I refused to engage in that.

This is pretty good advice.

[MaxMcMann]

For what it's worth I'm a white immigrant with an accent faint enough most don't seem to hear it and I feel the same way. I even went to school here from high school on, though until college I mostly stayed in my immigrant community.

Skin color only goes so far, when I meet all the guys named Tyler who were lacrosse players in a nice suburb growing up, it's difficult to find common ground with them and easy to let something slip that indicates "you're not one of us."

I don't have any solutions so far other than pretending to fit the mold to the best of my abilities.

[Wild Card]

I work at a V50 known for hiring very many foreigners, and at my firm foreigners are the most competent and respected attorneys. Very many of my firm's partners (very many of the VIP partners, in fact) are foreigners. You should have targeted firms known for hiring and friendliness toward foreigners, and you should consider lateraling to one now, if your situation is truly bad.

[insurmountainable]

I work at a V50 known for hiring very many foreigners, and at my firm foreigners are the most competent and respected attorneys. Very many of my firm's partners (very many of the VIP partners, in fact) are foreigners. You should have targeted firms known for hiring and friendliness toward foreigners, and you should consider lateraling to one now, if your situation is truly bad.

Would you mind revealing what firm this is? Just curious as another foreigner. Thank you!

[Anonymous User]

I work at a V50 known for hiring very many foreigners, and at my firm foreigners are the most competent and respected attorneys. Very many of my firm's partners (very many of the VIP partners, in fact) are foreigners. You should have targeted firms known for hiring and friendliness toward foreigners, and you should consider lateraling to one now, if your situation is truly bad.

All the internationally-oriented biglaw firms hire many foreigners and are generally "friendly" to foreigners. Think STB, Latham, Cleary etc etc.
There is nothing special about this. No foreigner should pick a firm on this criterion alone, because all the internationally-oriented ones are like that. That's just how they operate. It would be quite odd if a firm that has various offices all over the world collaborating on deals do not hire many foreigners or do not treat them with respect.

[LaLiLuLeLo]

I work at a V50 known for hiring very many foreigners, and at my firm foreigners are the most competent and respected attorneys. Very many of my firm's partners (very many of the VIP partners, in fact) are foreigners. You should have targeted firms known for hiring and friendliness toward foreigners, and you should consider lateraling to one now, if your situation is truly bad.

All the internationally-oriented biglaw firms hire many foreigners and are generally "friendly" to foreigners. Think STB, Latham, Cleary etc etc.
There is nothing special about this. No foreigner should pick a firm on this criterion alone, because all the internationally-oriented ones are like that. That's just how they operate. It would be quite odd if a firm that has various offices all over the world collaborating on deals do not hire many foreigners or do not treat them with respect.

this is a pretty broad stroke. You absolutely can have offices and groups that treat foreigners differently even at those firms.

[Anonymous User]

One STB office came to the mind.

[Wild Card]

I work at a V50 known for hiring very many foreigners, and at my firm foreigners are the most competent and respected attorneys. Very many of my firm's partners (very many of the VIP partners, in fact) are foreigners. You should have targeted firms known for hiring and friendliness toward foreigners, and you should consider lateraling to one now, if your situation is truly bad.

Would you mind revealing what firm this is? Just curious as another foreigner. Thank you!

I saw a website posted here that lists law firms by number of foreigners hired, along with titles and average salaries. Unfortunately, I don't remember the name of the website.