Biglaw/Baby with Disability Forum

[Anonymous User]

I have worked for a big law firm in a major market for a little over two years now. My son is 6 months old. I took paternity leave and my firm is, in general, relatively supportive of family life.

The last few months have been very challenging as we have sought answers for my son's physical and social delays. We still do not have any answers on a diagnosis, but it is sinking in that my son is probably dealing with some type of syndrome or disability. At the very least, he has developmental delays and he will take a long time to catch up. He is in different types of therapy several times a week. My wife stays at home with him, thankfully, or I have no idea what we would do.

I am just looking for any advice or kind words people may have for maintaining a legal career in this situation. Has anyone here dealt with being a special needs parent? The majority of the burden is certainly on my wife, but it is very difficult for me too. I am typically physically and emotionally exhausted (I know, it's biglaw, we all are, but obviously I have something more here) and I semi-regularly break down in my office. My career feels very unimportant to me now in the grand scheme of things, but I know that my family relies on my income more than ever so that aspect of it stresses me out. I tend to be a private person in my work life, so nobody knows about this. Would anyone suggest mentioning this stuff to someone at work?

For what it's worth, I do not believe the quality of my work has suffered. I just had a positive mid-year review. I also currently have a very manageable workload - fingers crossed it stays that way.

[IExistedOnceBefore]

Find a support group. The pediatrician or wherever you're seeking testing should have resources for you and your wife. Find an in person support group or look for one on Facebook, reddit, other forums. Once you have a diagnosis, seek out a support group for that specific thing. If you have family that are supportive, draw them in.

I honestly would keep it private at work if you are a normally private person. It will help you to remain focused at work and to compartmentalize. If you do need to give someone a heads up, go for it. I would also seek out therapy for you and your wife if you can. There is zero shame in asking for help and getting as many resources as you possibly can. If you're breaking down at work, I would see a professional before you do anything. They can help you navigate the disclosure.

You got this.

[Anonymous User]

I don't have much advice to give, but I wanted to add some words of encouragement. I was a special ed teacher before law school and the parents of my kids were some of the strongest people I have ever met. From what I understand it is incredibly difficult during the first few years, particularly when there is uncertainty on the kind of developmental disability a kid may have. But after the first few years it usually gets much better, since you will likely have some idea of what you are facing and will figure out the kind of resources that will work for you and your family.

Only you can decide if you want to tell other people at work. I actually had a really deep conversation with a partner during OCI interviews about his daughter that has a disability. It's all about your comfort level but I don't see any objective downsides to it.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. I can only guess at how difficult this is for you, but just keep reminding yourself that you are working to provide for and benefit your family. I really do think it will get better after some time passes and you gain more certainty in your life. I'll also echo the above and would seek out a support group. Many, many working families have children with disabilities and it may help talking to other people that are in similar situations.

[#BigLaw]

First, I am so sorry to hear about your son's challenges at such an early age. As a parent, one of the hardest things in the world is learning that there are some things about your kid that you cannot change, no matter how much you may wish you could.

I am a single mom with an autistic son, and I work for a BigLaw firm. My situation was slightly different from yours -- I had my son long before I went into BigLaw. Your career probably does feel secondary to everything right now, and that's normal. Honestly, for me, it was scary to think about having a demanding career plus a demanding child, and no one would fault you for feeling overwhelmed. (TBH: I still consider asking to be a part-time or flex-time attorney about every quarter.)

Still, YOU CAN DO THIS. I have never been afraid to share with my colleagues what's going on my with child. I think, at some point, you will need to say something if only to get it off your chest. It isn't something to be ashamed or embarrassed about, and the sooner you let people know, the more understanding they can be. I found my colleagues to be understanding about the various challenges that I deal with as a parent of a special needs child, and they are generally supportive. As an example, I starting earlier this year, I have to take my son to see a specialist each week in the middle of the work day (it's the only time that worked for the specialist and didn't take my son out of much classroom time). I let my partner know (and I let other partners know as I work with them on projects) that I'll be out for that time, and it's never been an issue. Are there times when I think that they don't care that I have a kid or outside responsibilities? Yes, but usually as long as they know what's going on (for instance, if he has a doctor's appointment or a school meeting), it's OK.

I think your comment about your track record helps you. If you were shaky at work, your colleagues might not be as understanding. But if you are getting everything done, even though it can feel all consuming at times, your colleagues won't fuss as much.

I would normally post this anonymously, but I wanted you to be able to reach out to me. Please feel free to PM me. Happy to chat about this further.

[elendinel]

If you want to be able to discuss it at work and you have colleagues you're friends with, it's probably not going to hurt you to talk with them about it every once in awhile, if that's what you're concerned about. Friends aren't going to judge you for needing to vent. I wouldn't say you need to discuss it unless you want to reduce your hours or something, so if it's a matter of you wanting to stay private but feeling like you have to disclose, you don't really have to unless you want to ask for special accommodations or aren't staying above water.

My only piece of advice when it comes to juggling a lot of stressful and demanding obligations at once is just to remember that quality work for all those obligations starts with your physical/emotional/mental health. You can't be on your A game for anyone (your job, your kid, your wife, etc.) if you're not doing self-care. So don't feel bad about getting therapy, about reducing hours, or considering whatever other solutions you may need to relieve some of the stress you're dealing with. And don't feel guilty about needing extra help just because you're not the one at home dealing with the day-to-day with your kid.

One other thing you could do is try as much as possible to reduce your financial obligations so that a move to a less time-intensive career would be feasible. Even if you never end up making a switch out of biglaw, feeling like you have the freedom/option to switch if you need to may help alleviate some of the pressure you feel at work and at home.

FWIW I did have a colleague who had a kid with a lot of health issues, and his kid would often come with him to the office so that he could take the kid to/from specialists, or when his wife couldn't watch the kid. No one had any issues with it and even though he was in a position that involves a lot of face-to-face chats with colleagues, we all made it work. I bring that up just to point out that it's possible for personal and work life to blend a bit in biglaw, so don't feel afraid to think outside the box for ways to deal with whatever comes up. As long as you're not doing exceptionally crazy things (like bringing your kid to a client pitch) your colleagues will probably roll with it.

[rpupkin]

I honestly would keep it private at work if you are a normally private person.

I disagree with this advice. Although I don't think you should advertise your private life to the entire firm, you should find a way to tell the people with whom you work closely about your son's condition.

I read lots of stories on TLS and ATL about horrible biglaw partners, but I think most partners are reasonable and nice when they're not in work mode. If they know about your situation, they'll likely be more forgiving, flexible, and understanding about any personal time you may need to take in the future.