Serious Question Forum

[Anonymous User]

I will start non-NYC Big Law in the fall. I am in a relationship that has some underlying problems. Part of me says to leave the relationship. The other part says that there will be hardly any time to date or meet anyone new with a big law job so I might as well try to make the relationship work. I joined a rather niche field that doesn't lend itself to exiting to an in-house "lifestyle" job after 3 years, so I'll be in big law for the long haul. Sad as it is I don't want to be totally alone for the next 8-10 years and I would rather have an imperfect companion than nobody.

What would any of you do in this situation?

[Anonymous User]

This is advice from a total stranger on the internet so take it with a grain of salt.

I would personally get out of the relationship. Although a lot depends on the actual problem you guys have, I don't think you will have the time and energy to deal with a bad relationship and the full time commitment of a big law job. If you are having doubts now, you would probably want to jump of a building when you have to deal with a bad relationship after working 80 hours weeks.

Talk to your partner about your concerns, your career aspirations and be honest and realistic. Ask yourself and him/her would he/she be willing and able to provide more support in the social/fun/family part of the relationship while you provide more in the financial part of the relationship.

No relationship is perfect and they all require work and energy to maintain. Just ask yourself are you able and willing to do that.

As for your concerns about finding someone after law school, its definitely doable. Although a lot of online dating is to be expected.

Good luck.

[misterjames]

ditch the relationship. you'll be stressed enough starting a new job, and a very demanding one at that. why compound that situation with relationship stress? besides, you'll get a handle of your work schedule after a few months, so you'll have a better idea of when you can date and do other activities.

[throwaway2018]

are we talking like, the guy is a slob? or like the guy is emotionally abusive?

[elendinel]

The imperfect companion will be just as bad as no companion when you're stressed out and need the company of someone who doesn't test your patience. Especially as the years go by and the problems grow worse/the relationship is taxed more and more. May as well cut your losses now.

Stringing someone along until you can find someone better is also a pretty d*ck move, so there's that.

[sprezz]

zero upside to hanging in there. get out on decent terms use work as a scapegoat. slim odds on finding even fleeting joy while in biglaw is better than the guaranteed mediocrity that will hang over both of you as you trudge through thoroughly unsatisfying night after night capping off what will probably be an unrelenting stream of thoroughly unsatisfying days. btw congrats on the offer!

[tyroneslothrop1]

Ditch the loser, male or female, wasn't paying close enough attention. Get on dating apps. They rock. Go on some dates, doesn't take a whole lot of time. You either meet someone nice and live happily ever or have semi-random sex to tide you over.

[Anonymous User]

OP here, and I appreciate the responses.

There are underlying problems (more serious than "the person is a slob"), but the trigger to me having these feelings was that I have just gotten bored, I hate to say. And it's like, why go through all the trouble of working through the problems for what has become a boring relationship.

But then I'm thinking this is a "grass is greener" mentality, and threads like these give me great pause: http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 3&t=259907

[throwaway2018]

OP here, and I appreciate the responses.

There are underlying problems (more serious than "the person is a slob"), but the trigger to me having these feelings was that I have just gotten bored, I hate to say. And it's like, why go through all the trouble of working through the problems for what has become a boring relationship.

But then I'm thinking this is a "grass is greener" mentality, and threads like these give me great pause: http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 3&t=259907

I usually err on the side of trying to stay and making it work out, especially when the real issue is (purportedly) boredom. No relationship in the world is going to stay fresh and exciting forever.

It might sound like I'm telling you to settle. I'm not. If being with this person makes you unhappy, I would find someone who does. However, I wouldn't leave just because of boredom.

[dixiecupdrinking]

There will be time to date in biglaw if you want to make it work. (You'll need to find someone who is more accommodating of last minute cancellations and the like than your average person, but that's fine.) That is a terrible reason to settle for someone you don't want to be with.

[didntretake]

Stop reading tea leaves and start mass-swiping now.

[Anonymous User]

Stop reading tea leaves and start mass-swiping now.

Haha thanks, made me (OP) laugh. I'm kind of skittish about online dating tbh.

[BaiAilian2013]

No job changes the basic calculus of relationships: if you're not all in, you're out.