Is this normal? Forum

[Anonymous User]

I reeeeeally don't want to out myself here, but I need some advice/insight.

Is it normal for a senior associate to want to be good friends with an SA? I'm a female (K-JD) and a married male associate keeps messaging me allllll the time at work. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid, but is that appropriate office behavior? I mostly think the guy just wants to be friends/ maybe wants to help mentor me, but there's a slight part of me that wonders if this is entirely okay.

Thoughts? If this is not normal, what should I do?

(Mods PLEASE don't un-anon).

[bretby]

I reeeeeally don't want to out myself here, but I need some advice/insight.

Is it normal for a senior associate to want to be good friends with an SA? I'm a female (K-JD) and a married male associate keeps messaging me allllll the time at work. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid, but is that appropriate office behavior? I mostly think the guy just wants to be friends/ maybe wants to help mentor me, but there's a slight part of me that wonders if this is entirely okay.

Thoughts? If this is not normal, what should I do?

(Mods PLEASE don't un-anon).

NOT appropriate, and don't respond to anything but a directly work related question, keep all the messages, and keep it under your hat until you get an offer.

[lavarman84]

If the associate isn't messaging you about inappropriate stuff, I don't see a problem.(for now)

Could be innocent. Could be not. But as long as it's appropriate, no point in doing anything.

Without context, it's hard to know if it's someone who is just trying to be friendly or not.

[Monochromatic Oeuvre]

Is it normal? Yeah.

Does it have anything to do with your SA experience, mentoring, or law at all? No.

[rpupkin]

Without context, it's hard to know if it's someone who is just trying to be friendly or not.

OP: Are we talking about text messages on your personal phone, or messages on the firm's chat app? Are the messages work related? And does "alllll the time" mean three times a day, or three times an hour?

[unlicensedpotato]

If you think the person is a creep, which is what it sounds like, they're probably a creep. Just save all the messages and let it lie until you have an offer. Then I would play it by ear after that. Hopefully you won't directly work with him and that will be the end of it. Sorry someone is doing this to you. Guys are losers.

[jd20132013]

"Is it normal for a senior associate to want to be good friends with an SA? "

Not unless the firm has assigned him to be

[Anonymous User]

Without context, it's hard to know if it's someone who is just trying to be friendly or not.

OP: Are we talking about text messages on your personal phone, or messages on the firm's chat app? Are the messages work related? And does "alllll the time" mean three times a day, or three times an hour?

It started as messages on the firm's chat app and then moved to phone. I would say maybe half of them are work-related, half not. "Allll the time" means closer to three times an hour than three times a day.

[Anonymous User]

If the associate isn't messaging you about inappropriate stuff, I don't see a problem.(for now)

Could be innocent. Could be not. But as long as it's appropriate, no point in doing anything.

Without context, it's hard to know if it's someone who is just trying to be friendly or not.

Not sure if I can really give context here on TLS. None of the messages have been inappropriate though.

[dixiecupdrinking]

Without context, it's hard to know if it's someone who is just trying to be friendly or not.

OP: Are we talking about text messages on your personal phone, or messages on the firm's chat app? Are the messages work related? And does "alllll the time" mean three times a day, or three times an hour?

It started as messages on the firm's chat app and then moved to phone. I would say maybe half of them are work-related, half not. "Allll the time" means closer to three times an hour than three times a day.

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

[unlicensedpotato]

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

[Anonymous User]

OP here: follow up question - if this is really not normal, should I try to get into a different practice group? Or go with the group he is in and just hope it isn't a problem?

[rpupkin]

I agree this isn't normal, but a couple of additional questions:

Does he only text you during work hours, or is he also texting you on nights and weekends?

Does he always initiate the exchanges, or do you sometimes text him first?

Has he asked you to hang out alone with him after work or on a weekend?

[lavarman84]

Without context, it's hard to know if it's someone who is just trying to be friendly or not.

OP: Are we talking about text messages on your personal phone, or messages on the firm's chat app? Are the messages work related? And does "alllll the time" mean three times a day, or three times an hour?

It started as messages on the firm's chat app and then moved to phone. I would say maybe half of them are work-related, half not. "Allll the time" means closer to three times an hour than three times a day.

Yea, that's not normal.

[Anonymous User]

I agree this isn't normal, but a couple of additional questions:

Does he only text you during work hours, or is he also texting you on nights and weekends?

Does he always initiate the exchanges, or do you sometimes text him first?

Has he asked you to hang out alone with him after work or on a weekend?

It started as just work hours, but then moved to nights and weekends.

He initiates.

He has not asked me to hang out.

None of the content has been inappropriate.

[yost]

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

The only people I have ever texted that much are my current significant other and previous romantic interests. I would be super annoyed if a friend--even a close one--contacted me that much.

Something is definitely not right here. Although since he hasn't asked you to hang out outside of work, I'm wondering if he's just really socially inept and unaware of what he's doing?

[Anonymous User]

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

The only people I have ever texted that much are my current significant other and previous romantic interests. I would be super annoyed if a friend--even a close one--contacted me that much.

Something is definitely not right here. Although since he hasn't asked you to hang out outside of work, I'm wondering if he's just really socially inept and unaware of what he's doing?

He doesn't seem socially inept, at least not to me. I feel like this whole situation is very borderline, and I haven't really dealt with anything like this before.

[rpupkin]

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

The only people I have ever texted that much are my current significant other and previous romantic interests. I would be super annoyed if a friend--even a close one--contacted me that much.

Something is definitely not right here. Although since he hasn't asked you to hang out outside of work, I'm wondering if he's just really socially inept and unaware of what he's doing?

I doubt that's the explanation. The far more likely explanation is that he's an unhappy married dude who is enjoying this little text-flirt thing with a pretty summer associate. He basically has a crush on her.

[rpupkin]

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

The only people I have ever texted that much are my current significant other and previous romantic interests. I would be super annoyed if a friend--even a close one--contacted me that much.

Something is definitely not right here. Although since he hasn't asked you to hang out outside of work, I'm wondering if he's just really socially inept and unaware of what he's doing?

He doesn't seem socially inept, at least not to me. I feel like this whole situation is very borderline, and I haven't really dealt with anything like this before.

It's not borderline; it's over the line. But, sadly, it's not easy to do something about this kind of thing at a law firm. If the texting stays at its current level, and if you can stand it, I would put up with it until you get an offer. As someone already suggested, consider not responding (or really delaying in responding) to non-work texts.

[Love With The Coco]

Are you attracted to him?

If so, go for it.

Not legal advice but life advice.

[Anonymous User]

Three times a day would be excessive. Three times an hour is outside all possible bounds of ordinary behavior.

The only people I have ever texted that much are my current significant other and previous romantic interests. I would be super annoyed if a friend--even a close one--contacted me that much.

Something is definitely not right here. Although since he hasn't asked you to hang out outside of work, I'm wondering if he's just really socially inept and unaware of what he's doing?

He doesn't seem socially inept, at least not to me. I feel like this whole situation is very borderline, and I haven't really dealt with anything like this before.

It's not borderline; it's over the line. But, sadly, it's not easy to do something about this kind of thing at a law firm. If the texting stays at its current level, and if you can stand it, I would put up with it until you get an offer. As someone already suggested, consider not responding (or really delaying in responding) to non-work texts.

Okay, I'll try to put up with it but delay responding to non-work messages and see if that helps.

Thanks for the input, everyone - I was worried I was acting like some crazy chick who thinks every guy is after her or something.

[Anonymous User]

Are you attracted to him?

If so, go for it.

Not legal advice but life advice.

He's very attractive and very nice but I am no homewrecker and would never, ever do that.

[rpupkin]

Okay, I'll try to put up with it but delay responding to non-work messages and see if that helps.

Thanks for the input, everyone - I was worried I was acting like some crazy chick who thinks every guy is after her or something.

No, you're definitely not crazy.

By the way, there's some daylight between "guy who is acting professional" and "guy who is after you." The associate may not be "after you" in the way we usually think about guys chasing after girls. He's probably a timid dude who wouldn't actually cheat on his wife or do something to destroy his career. But this kind of thing, from his perspective, is probably a "safe" way to flirt and feel cool and young. Law firms are full of these types. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous User]

Okay, I'll try to put up with it but delay responding to non-work messages and see if that helps.

Thanks for the input, everyone - I was worried I was acting like some crazy chick who thinks every guy is after her or something.

No, you're definitely not crazy.

By the way, there's some daylight between "guy who is acting professional" and "guy who is after you." The associate may not be "after you" in the way we usually think about guys chasing after girls. He's probably a timid dude who wouldn't actually cheat on his wife or do something to destroy his career. But this kind of thing, from his perspective, is probably a "safe" way to flirt and feel cool and young. Law firms are full of these types. I'm sorry.

Ugh, I feel like that sums up what's going on perfectly. It's miserable and awful but I'm also really glad you explained this to me. Seriously some of the best law firm insight I've gotten all summer (sadly).

[favabeansoup]

Yeah a senior associate texting a summer associate on nights and weekends about non work related things (unless you somehow became best buds which you aren't) is very weird any way you shake it. Do take some precaution here a little bit and try to not respond to him at all after work hours and especially weekends. This isn't just a work related problem either.

Imagine you are this guy's wife and you look at his phone and see he is texting this young 24(?) year old girl from work all hours of the day nights + weekends. I can imagine she would be (1) pissed (2) think husband is cheating (3) think you are a homewrecker and want to go after you too, no matter if you guys have never done anything inappropriate together, she'll probably just think you are lying. So yeah, I would start saving these texts and really curating your response to them to have a completely neutral, work tone in case you get a crazy soon-to-be-ex wife come attacking you.

I'm really sorry you are in this position. If it gets any worse try to craft a delicate email to him reminding him of boundaries. That will be hard I know, but better to do that first then go straight to HR. The life of a girl is hard sometimes.