When You Don't Fit In as an SA Forum

[Anonymous User]

DISCLAIMER: I absolutely love my firm and most likely would accept an offer if I got one.

I'm at a satellite office of a V50 west-coast firm. I enjoy the work that I've been given this summer and generally like everyone in my office. My issue though is that I don't think I fit into the firm culture. Although I like everyone, I find that people tend to stay away from me. I noticed something similar when I went to our summer retreat. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I'm starting to think that most people just don't want to be around me. I went to my summer mentor and kinda alluded to it, but he told me that it wasn't the case and not to worry too much about not thinking I fit.

Is anyone else having a similar experience? I'm pretty introverted and quiet but I think that I'm a socially adept enough person and not aspie. How can I change this, if I can? I've only gotten positive feedback from my assigning attorneys but I just get this feeling that people think I don't belong.

[mushybrain]

First things first. How many other summers have you slept with so far? Are you tall and handsome?

[Anonymous User]

Fyi, not the same anon as the "tall, handsome, jealous" dude. I'm short as fuck and objectively average looking.

[Anonymous User]

First things first. How many other summers have you slept with so far? Are you tall and handsome?

Lmao I literally just noticed that thread. Swear I'm not the same dude or trolling.

[sublime]

First things first. How many other summers have you slept with so far? Are you tall and handsome?

Lmao I literally just noticed that thread. Swear I'm not the same dude or trolling.

He's a different poster.

[mushybrain]

Phew.

Could be the introversion thing. It might just be a bit harder to talk to you. Are you better in groups? You could try to pull together some group gatherings with a couple attorneys and another summer. I'm naturally introverted and quiet with people I don't really know and strongly preferred those types of things when I was summering.

[Anonymous User]

Phew.

Could be the introversion thing. It might just be a bit harder to talk to you. Are you better in groups? You could try to pull together some group gatherings with a couple attorneys and another summer. I'm naturally introverted and quiet with people I don't really know and strongly preferred those types of things when I was summering.

Yea I have a girlfriend who I've brought to summer events so the whole sleeping with other girls thing is out. I tend to prefer one-on-one conversations but I could try this with the other summer I'm pretty cool with. He's way more extroverted so this could work.

[deepseapartners]

If you are getting only positive feedback on your work and you aren't doing anything fireable, I would imagine that you are just fearful through being conscious of not being quite as social as some other people in your SA class. Trying to "fix" yourself by being more outgoing is probably just going to backfire.

I agree with mushybrain that focusing on small groups of people is a good way to interact as a naturally introverted person.

[Emma.]

Being quiet/introverted almost certainly won't be an issue as far as you getting an offer. It's way better to be quiet but genuine and kind than extroverted but entitled and obnoxious. If you do good work and you aren't an asshat, you'll be just fine.

[1styearlateral]

First things first. How many other summers have you slept with so far? Are you tall and handsome?

meta af.

[El Pollito]

Fyi, not the same anon as the "tall, handsome, jealous" dude. I'm short as fuck and objectively average looking.

i hope you get an offer OP. you're probably just being paranoid.

[First Offense]

A lot of it may just be in your head.

[yost]

Sounds like you're just introverted. I wouldn't worry.

[postard]

Sounds like you're just introverted. I wouldn't worry.

If you do good work and you aren't an asshat, you'll be just fine.

[bwh8813]

I think the most important parts of your post are that you love the firm, enjoy the work, and generally like everyone. Remember, this is a job. You're not joining a fraternity or trying to be best friends with everyone - even if it seems some treat it that way.

It doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong or are a toxic person to be around. Do the people who you think avoid you seem to be in a clique of sorts? It might just be that's their personality, and it might seem that they're excluding you when really they just flock to each other. I'd work on developing one-on-one relationships just in normal conversation. Also, do others bring their significant others to the summer events? If not, while I know you feel more comfortable with your gf there, it might make them feel like you don't want to get to know them.

As long as you don't have bad relationships with people, you're fine. Relationships will develop naturally over time. Some will be strictly professional, and some will be friendly and professional. It's ok if you don't become best friends with all (or any) of the people you work with, as long as you're collegial and you have friends outside of work (even if you rarely get to see them with BigLaw hours). Just don't let your anxiety over this affect your work product.

[ek5dn]

If you are getting only positive feedback on your work and you aren't doing anything fireable, I would imagine that you are just fearful through being conscious of not being quite as social as some other people in your SA class. Trying to "fix" yourself by being more outgoing is probably just going to backfire.

I agree with mushybrain that focusing on small groups of people is a good way to interact as a naturally introverted person.

I agree that you shouldn't try to "fix" yourself, but I just want to add that I would also steer clear of bringing this up again with your summer mentor as well. Since he said he hasn't noticed anything, bringing it up again would just reflect poorly on you (either your self-confidence or it may uncover problems that the mentor had not previously noticed).
I wouldn't bring this issue up w/ any associates at the firm, actually...whether it's true or not, it doesn't put you in a good light. Just my own personal opinion though!
Also, like everyone's been saying -- there's nothing wrong with being introverted as long as you're secure in yourself! lmao sounds like a line from a self-help book

[Anonymous User]

In my experience, it's easy to feel that way because the types of associates who come to all of the events and who are involved in all of the summer stuff are not necessarily representative. I eventually found that I fit in really well with a lot of associates, but those people weren't front-and-center because they mostly just did their work and then went home to their families rather than seeking out all of the social things.

There are probably other summers feeling the same way you do, but it doesn't seem that way because the ones you see and hear from all of the time are the most social and/or vocal. It's the same phenomenon as the statistical truth that most of your friends do, in fact, have more friends than you do. That's just how networks function. You feel like a weird outlier loser because you're only seeing the most popular nodes in the network, but there are plenty of other people just like you.

As a SA you're expected to do all of those things, but once you're an associate, you're really not, so it's not a problem if it's not your cup of tea. The firm knows that there is plenty of space for these people too, and as long as you do good work, you'll be fine. It took me about 5 weeks to really find my people during my summer. You'll find yours, too.

[Anonymous User]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. It's probably all in my head. I don't plan on bringing it back up again (and I haven't told any of the other SAs) but I was just curious if I was the only one having this experience. I guess I can stop bringing my gf to all of the events too, even though I feel better when she's there.

[lolwat]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. It's probably all in my head. I don't plan on bringing it back up again (and I haven't told any of the other SAs) but I was just curious if I was the only one having this experience. I guess I can stop bringing my gf to all of the events too, even though I feel better when she's there.

Yeah, don't let it bother you, don't change how you are, and don't bring it back up again. Sounds like you're doing fine.

[mushybrain]

In my experience, it's easy to feel that way because the types of associates who come to all of the events and who are involved in all of the summer stuff are not necessarily representative. I eventually found that I fit in really well with a lot of associates, but those people weren't front-and-center because they mostly just did their work and then went home to their families rather than seeking out all of the social things.

This is so true. I was one of those summers and now I'm one of those associates. I know all the summers and go to informal lunches/coffee with them but I show up at almost none of the events. Lots of partners like that too, who I love working with but who are never ever at those events.

[El Pollito]

No one cares what the other SAs think of you. Being introverted is fine unless you're extremely awkward to the point of being a liability. You have a girlfriend, so you're probably not even close.

[WheninLaw]

No chance this is a problem if you aren't coming off as an asshole.

[Anonymous User]

The more nervous you are about it, the less you'll fit in. The more comfortable you are with people, the more comfortable they'll be with you. The other summers are probably avoiding you, because they're nervous too so your nervousness freaks them out, and some probably assume you're nervous because you're doing a shitty job. Just try to build up relationships with them individually. It's not super important, but you'll have a better time if you make friends. Being alone in a pit of self doubt probably sucks ass.

There's also the fact that they're pressured to put on their summer face with you, and will actively avoid you when theyr'e angry/pissed about something.

[Anonymous User]

I had a similar experience in my SA.

I figured I just didn't really belong in biglaw from a cultural/social perspective and would just keep my head down and work. I, for other reasons, did 3L recruiting and accepted a position elsewhere. While the SA to associate experience is definitely different, I found I fit much better into my current firm in terms of socializing with other associates. So it may partially be the firm and you as a fit. But I found this out through dumb luck, it's hard to know if you'll fit before jumping into a firm.

On the other hand the associate v. SA experience is very different. It's kind of like lowerclassmen v. upperclassmen in high school/college IMO. Some ppl are really popular right off the bat but don't have staying power. After working at the firm you may find yourself belonging more than the SA social butterflies. Especially if you do good work.

[oblig.lawl.ref]

No chance this is a problem if you aren't coming off as an asshole.

This is dumb.