Is being a lawyer ruining my life? Forum

[Anonymous User]

I just wanted to put this out there to see if anyone has had similar experiences and/or get some reassurance that I'm going to get through this. Yes, I know this might come off as privileged and self-indulgent, because my situation could be infintely worse. But I think most lawyers struggle with my issues to varying degrees and in various circumstances and I want to confirm that we're not alone and talk about ways that people get beyond it.
I went to a T20 school and did ok, probably median, graduated with no job lined up (despite my best efforts). I cried on graduation day not because I felt a sense of accomplishment, but because I felt a sense of crushing failure that I had worked through undergrad, at a job before law school, and during law school and had nothing to show for it except a piece of paper and debt (not six figures, but close). I told my family and SO I really didn't want to go on living, which I know sounds dramatic but at the time it was true. I got back on anti-depressants and shortly before bar results came out I landed a job with a 2 partner, 2 associate firm in the town where I went to law school.
I was all set to stay in this town, despite it's very small legal market, because it has a low cost of living and my SO is from here. But I soon realized how dysfunctional the firm was. The associate I replaced had been fired in less than a year and the associate who was there while I was left to join a bigger firm after about 18 months (because shit was fucked up). The partners decided to split and, although I was doing well and got a raise and bonus and was promised I would go with one of them, I was let go earlier this year (after being there a little over a year). They told me it wasn't performance related (based on billables and receivables, i'm pretty sure it was a financial issue) but offered no severance and wanted me to tell people I had resigned. I tried to negotiate for severance and told them I was not comfortable taking on new projects until we resolved the issue of resignation/severance. They got angry and refused to give me a recommendation. It's a small market so I'm worried this hurts me alot. I've applied to hundreds of jobs (in my market and outside it) with no success. Right now I am doing doc review with a firm I really like but there's no guarantee it will lead to anything.
My previous job (and law school) took a huge toll on my relationship with my SO and my health (various stress-related conditions). I've managed to handled the physical symptoms fairly well but the psychological symptoms have only gotten worse and I am not sure our relationship can go on (mostly because I feel so shitty about my self worth) or whether I can stay in this town and practice law. Sometimes I feel like being a lawyer was the worst decision of my life and that, if I just quit everything including law, it would all be better. I could pack up and move in with family in a bigger legal market, I could try to keep going here. I don't even know what to do about my SO because, although we love each other very much, I feel like my struggles have pushed us apart (although they have shit too) and I no longer know if its a greater compatability issue or my own shit. I don't know if all the uncertainty I feel is just the disappointment of a legal career (and the mindset that accompanies that) that seems like it's going nowhere and is seeping into the rest of my life. Am I doing the whole lawyer thing wrong? DO I just need to give it more time and work? Or is there ever a point when you should just cut your losses and say fuck it to the life you built around being a lawyer? Or am I just going all 30-year old crisis on my life and need to deal with my shit? Did anyone else feel this way and, if so, how did you get through it?

[Snowy Shaw]

You're asking for mental health advice on the legal employment forum. This is something you should be telling a doctor or therapist, not us.

[A. Nony Mouse]

OP, I hope things get better for you. It's hard to say whether being a lawyer is the problem, or not being able to find a stable job is the problem - to me it sounds like the latter, but that's just my impression. Unemployment/underemployment is just really really hard and stressful. If you think you could solve the employment issues by going into something else, there wouldn't be any reason not to do that. But it's just a really tough situation, not to be in work that you want/think is right for you. I'm not sure if I can answer your question, but I do think it's reasonable to be depressed and unhappy without a stable work situation, and that bleeds into everything else in your life.

[kellyfrost]

I don't think being a lawyer has anything to do with your unhappiness, to be honest.

[84651846190]

I think we can all agree that being a lawyer at least isn't helping.

You fell for the law school scam just like the rest of us and then got unlucky. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[A. Nony Mouse]

I don't think being a lawyer has anything to do with your unhappiness, to be honest.

Except to the extent that lawyer is the job OP is struggling to get, I agree.

[Anonymous User]

OP, please talk to some type of professional about how you're feeling.

I totally get the feelings of failure of not having a job/everything lined up when you graduate. Those feelings are normal. You need to take this in & really accept it though - you're not a fucking failure. Luckily, it does not appear that your family or SO are reinforcing this idea. But that idea, man - it's got to go.

It is also very normal that the shitty employment situation you faced shortly after graduation really piled onto the outstanding stress you already felt. But rather than ask if you're not going about being a lawyer in the "right way" (the approach of some is to do this with the help of alcohol & blow - personally, I've known a lot of functional addicts in the profession), I think it might help if you considered what you could be doing for yourself mentally that is going to help you in the day-to-day right now. Not your career, not your relationship, but you. Of course those things are connected to you & your life, but you need to be taking care of you first right now. You don't need to give yourself another reason to torture yourself with the idea that you're somehow doing the lawyer thing all wrong. You're not doing it wrong. Any halfway serious professional will tell you that.

So please, dude - from the way you're being so hard on yourself, these feelings are bigger than just school, career & relationship stuff - see whomever you think is appropriate - a doctor, clergyperson, a shaman - just somebody who can help you get this sorted out and reflect some facts back to you. Like nobody, I don't give a damn if they have a job or not - who does median at a T20 is a frickin failure, & plus it sounds like you've been giving the job thing your all. You're not blaming other people, whining about whatever, & you clearly want to try to resolve this thing you're going through. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. You just might need some guidance putting it into perspective & putting a plan into action.

[Anonymous User]

I think your question is perfectly normal. I don't know if a mental health professional, who is not a lawyer, will wave a wand and make it better. I totally get why you are posting here.

It's also quite possible, based on your post, that we went to the same law school. If so, the market where the school is located is small and relatively insular. If your firm went out in a blazing dumpster fire, that might help you if you're able to basically play the innocent associate angle.

My advice is to apply to bigger markets, if that works with your SO and life in general. You're going to feel much better about yourself, IMO, if you can literally and symbolically leave law school behind, leave your shitty associate experience behind, and get a fresh start elsewhere. The market isn't great, but there are jobs for a median student at a T-20 who is just leaving a dysfunctional law firm. Just look, apply, pound the pavement, send letters, network, whatever. It only takes one.

[PassionvMoney]

OP your issues are beyond just being a lawyer. Many people didn't have their life lined up at graduation so I'm not sure why that was a big deal (other than you had friends that did). But in any event see a shrink first then think of a career change after that if you still have the same issues.

[84651846190]

I don't think being melodramatic about the situation is going to help OP. Just give him whatever salient advice you have. There's no need for six different people to tell him to go to a shrink. I'm sure he's thought of it and, if not, he's obviously aware of that advice now.