Quick sentence check Forum

[Anonymous User]

My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender, in part because I witnessed the crucial role that indigent attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.

Is this a good sentence? I've been up for 2 days straight and I cannot think straight.

[ph14]

My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender, in part because I witnessed the crucial role that indigent attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.

Is this a good sentence? I've been up for 2 days straight and I cannot think straight.

It sounds like you are talking about the crucial role that attorneys who are poor play. I'd change to "in part because I witnessed the crucial role that attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society" or "attorneys representing indigent clients play."

[A. Nony Mouse]

My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender, in part because I witnessed the crucial role that indigent attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.

Is this a good sentence? I've been up for 2 days straight and I cannot think straight.

"Indigent attorneys" sounds to me a little like the attorneys are indigent?

Also, you could probably condense "experiences working with the clinic" into "clinic experiences."

But otherwise I think it makes sense.
(scooped!)

[dixiecupdrinking]

It's very likely the attorneys are indigent, but I don't think that's the point you want to be making.

[thsmthcrmnl]

The clinic made me want to be a public defender. It showed me how attorneys for the indigent ensure justice.

Or something. My point is that there's fat to cut.

[Agent]

+1

there's fat to cut.

[UnfrozenCaveman]

thsmthcrmnl is right.

I dunno if this even cuts much, but how about?

My clinical experiences taught me about attorneys' crucial role in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society, and during this time, I formed a strong desire to become a public defender.

[Sheffield]

Not in favor of long sentences. Cut it in two...

My experiences working with the clinic have greatly contributed to my desire to become a public defender. I witnessed the crucial role that attorneys play in ensuring justice for the poorest members of society.