How to Survive Another Eight Months in Biglaw? (Mental Health) Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hey—you’re a first year who really isn’t that important to the firm. I’m not trying to be mean. I just want you to know you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. If you’re deadset on leaving by November, slow down, say NO to new assignments until your existing work levels out, and take a vacation. I know it seems like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders but the rest of the team will get on just fine without you and none of the crap you’re working on matters.

I'd say this is very likely true, but I'm also the ONLY junior in my group at this firm (the only other "associates" are, as I understand it, close to making partner) and will be for several more months. I am the kind of person who puts a lot of pressure on myself, but I think at least some of the pressure is external in my case.

I also don't know who or how to ask for any time off. I think I said earlier that I was brushed off and laughed at, respectively, when I asked the office HR head and my senior associate mentor what to do when you're sick and can't work.

[Dahl]

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

OP, I was in a similar, though not quite as dire situation as you are. I hated my time at my firm but had signed a pricey lease and didn’t know how to get out. Eventually I decided life was too short. I told my landlord I was about to be laid off, and though there were no outs to my lease they charged me a fine and let me break it early. Right now there’s a national moratorium on evictions. The landlord will either let you pay a fee and get out of the lease or get zero rent from you with no recourse- they’ll choose the former option.

Leave your job. I left mine before I found another one. I never thought I would do that. I thought it would make it impossible to find another job. But two months later I found one I thoroughly enjoy. Trust me, you can get out of this. Don’t let yourself sink deeper into this anxiety pit.

[Anonymous User]

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

OP, I was in a similar, though not quite as dire situation as you are. I hated my time at my firm but had signed a pricey lease and didn’t know how to get out. Eventually I decided life was too short. I told my landlord I was about to be laid off, and though there were no outs to my lease they charged me a fine and let me break it early. Right now there’s a national moratorium on evictions. The landlord will either let you pay a fee and get out of the lease or get zero rent from you with no recourse- they’ll choose the former option.

Leave your job. I left mine before I found another one. I never thought I would do that. I thought it would make it impossible to find another job. But two months later I found one I thoroughly enjoy. Trust me, you can get out of this. Don’t let yourself sink deeper into this anxiety pit.

Would you be willing to tell me what kind of job you switched to that worked better for you? I think having some sort of centralized workflow system would be ideal, but next best in terms of firm jobs would be a small or regional firm with only a few offices where it's easy to keep up with what everyone is doing.

[sparty99]

I have posted about my job on here before and some of this may be familiar, so I'm sorry if that's the case.

I'm a former judicial clerk who recently started at a Biglaw firm in the litigation group. I really, really enjoyed clerking. In between, I did a brief stint of remote contracting at a small firm and liked it, but wasn't sure if they would ever make me a permanent employee like they initially talked about.
I honestly should never have left there. I fucked up so bad. I don't know if this place is actually that dysfunctional or if I just hate it, but it's only been a few months and I'm on two separate psych medications and still crying daily and dry heaving all the time because I'm so miserable. It's been weeks since I've had a day where I didn't work, I am drowning in assignments, and I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about getting that next email. I can't eat because I constantly feel sick. Every time I put out one fire, another pops up within minutes. I have no time to come down from my regular panic attacks, and even the things that used to make me smile or laugh don't bring me happiness anymore. I'm told people are saying good things about my work, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this. I struggled with depression in college and thought I was better, but I'm not, as it turns out. Not at all.

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

All of that brings me to my actual question. How do I make it for the next eight months and get out alive? Physically, how the fuck do I survive? I realize lots of people can and do work in Biglaw for much longer, but I'm at my breaking point one third of the way in. We're still remote, and I know it's going to be worse when we go back to the office, because then they'll want me at the office all the time and there's no friendly cat or comfy pants at the office to make me feel better for a moment.

So what do I do for the next 2/3 of a year? How do I set boundaries, get people to back off, get myself feeling better, anything? I'm genuinely scared I will end up the next "Biglaw associate kills herself" if something doesn't give soon. Please help.

Big law is not that serious. Not sure why you are adding all this stress on your life. If you quit tomorrow no one would care and they would forget about you, posting your replacement the next day. You should probably stop caring so much and take a day off. You should also see a psychiatrist because Big Law sure as hell ain't worth dying over.

[Anonymous User]

I have posted about my job on here before and some of this may be familiar, so I'm sorry if that's the case.

I'm a former judicial clerk who recently started at a Biglaw firm in the litigation group. I really, really enjoyed clerking. In between, I did a brief stint of remote contracting at a small firm and liked it, but wasn't sure if they would ever make me a permanent employee like they initially talked about.
I honestly should never have left there. I fucked up so bad. I don't know if this place is actually that dysfunctional or if I just hate it, but it's only been a few months and I'm on two separate psych medications and still crying daily and dry heaving all the time because I'm so miserable. It's been weeks since I've had a day where I didn't work, I am drowning in assignments, and I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about getting that next email. I can't eat because I constantly feel sick. Every time I put out one fire, another pops up within minutes. I have no time to come down from my regular panic attacks, and even the things that used to make me smile or laugh don't bring me happiness anymore. I'm told people are saying good things about my work, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this. I struggled with depression in college and thought I was better, but I'm not, as it turns out. Not at all.

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

All of that brings me to my actual question. How do I make it for the next eight months and get out alive? Physically, how the fuck do I survive? I realize lots of people can and do work in Biglaw for much longer, but I'm at my breaking point one third of the way in. We're still remote, and I know it's going to be worse when we go back to the office, because then they'll want me at the office all the time and there's no friendly cat or comfy pants at the office to make me feel better for a moment.

So what do I do for the next 2/3 of a year? How do I set boundaries, get people to back off, get myself feeling better, anything? I'm genuinely scared I will end up the next "Biglaw associate kills herself" if something doesn't give soon. Please help.

Big law is not that serious. Not sure why you are adding all this stress on your life. If you quit tomorrow no one would care and they would forget about you, posting your replacement the next day. You should probably stop caring so much and take a day off. You should also see a psychiatrist because Big Law sure as hell ain't worth dying over.

Well, this is unhelpful. I have started seeing a psychiatrist, hence the two new medications, and it has been made clear to me that there is no mechanism for requesting or getting a day off at my level. My kingdom for a coping strategy besides "stop being stressed," because the post I don't think you read explains why I can't quit.

[sparty99]

I have posted about my job on here before and some of this may be familiar, so I'm sorry if that's the case.

I'm a former judicial clerk who recently started at a Biglaw firm in the litigation group. I really, really enjoyed clerking. In between, I did a brief stint of remote contracting at a small firm and liked it, but wasn't sure if they would ever make me a permanent employee like they initially talked about.
I honestly should never have left there. I fucked up so bad. I don't know if this place is actually that dysfunctional or if I just hate it, but it's only been a few months and I'm on two separate psych medications and still crying daily and dry heaving all the time because I'm so miserable. It's been weeks since I've had a day where I didn't work, I am drowning in assignments, and I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about getting that next email. I can't eat because I constantly feel sick. Every time I put out one fire, another pops up within minutes. I have no time to come down from my regular panic attacks, and even the things that used to make me smile or laugh don't bring me happiness anymore. I'm told people are saying good things about my work, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this. I struggled with depression in college and thought I was better, but I'm not, as it turns out. Not at all.

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

All of that brings me to my actual question. How do I make it for the next eight months and get out alive? Physically, how the fuck do I survive? I realize lots of people can and do work in Biglaw for much longer, but I'm at my breaking point one third of the way in. We're still remote, and I know it's going to be worse when we go back to the office, because then they'll want me at the office all the time and there's no friendly cat or comfy pants at the office to make me feel better for a moment.

So what do I do for the next 2/3 of a year? How do I set boundaries, get people to back off, get myself feeling better, anything? I'm genuinely scared I will end up the next "Biglaw associate kills herself" if something doesn't give soon. Please help.

Big law is not that serious. Not sure why you are adding all this stress on your life. If you quit tomorrow no one would care and they would forget about you, posting your replacement the next day. You should probably stop caring so much and take a day off. You should also see a psychiatrist because Big Law sure as hell ain't worth dying over.

Well, this is unhelpful. I have started seeing a psychiatrist, hence the two new medications, and it has been made clear to me that there is no mechanism for requesting or getting a day off at my level. My kingdom for a coping strategy besides "stop being stressed," because the post I don't think you read explains why I can't quit.

I never said you should quit (although based on your post you probably should). I said you should stop caring so much about the job. You are replaceable and the firm will replace you if you quit, so why are you stressing about the job when the firm does not care about your well being. Who cares if there is no mechanism. Most firms are like that. They don't give formal vacation or sick days. But who cares. Take a fucking day off. Say you are sick. Say you got Covid-19. All you do is send an email saying you are sick with the Flu. You make $180k, you can break your apartment lease. Easily. Usually they require 3 months rent. While I would say you need not to do all of that, Big law is not that serious, Litigation is not that serious, you clearly should probably leave the job this month. You make $180k, you should be able to live off of savings for 3 months.

[Dahl]

Would you be willing to tell me what kind of job you switched to that worked better for you? I think having some sort of centralized workflow system would be ideal, but next best in terms of firm jobs would be a small or regional firm with only a few offices where it's easy to keep up with what everyone is doing.

Government - for a massive pay cut. Your salary eventually goes back up (though not to big law levels obviously) but your anxiety and unhappiness plummet. But you know this already, you were happy clerking.

Your next job doesn’t have to be your forever job. It can just be a stepping stone out of your current situation. It can be for 40k in the middle of some small town, or 70k in a big city. You just need a way out.

[Anonymous User]

OP - I've been thinking about you and this post a lot. Haven't read thread so sorry if this is duplicative.

I had what I guess I'll call an anxiety-related mental breakdown in the spring of 2019. I think it mostly arose from some health anxiety I suffer from, but I think the stress of law firm work exacerbated that/added to it, too. I was a wreck--not sleeping, anxious all the time, experimenting with benzos and sleeping pills.

I did about 4-6 months of talk therapy. That definitely helped, but I'd say it only decreased by symptoms by about 15-20%. I then went to see a psychiatrist and got on Lexapro--a common SSRI. We slowly increased my dose and I got to a point where I had significant relief from my symptoms. I'm still on it today and it has changed my life.

I know your OP indicates you're on 1 or more anxiety meds. I would encourage you to find a great psychiatrist and continue working to find a medicine that works for you. There are a million options and doses of those options. What works for me or someone else might not work for you.

[glitched]

What part about the job is giving you so much anxiety you think? There are a lot of things of course that could trigger it, but I think it would be helpful to get real specific. Write out a list. Here are some things that I thought of:
- Always being on call/responsive
- Pressure to be perfect
- Just too much work (no time to sleep or play)
- Partner/associates treating you poorly
- Work is mind numbingly boring yet super stressful
- Being given tasks you have no idea how to do

Those are probably the top for me. I remember my first year whenevery little thing would stress me out (even totally meaningless things like whether I should say "Best" or "Best regards" in my signature lol). But eventually I started getting used to the tasks I was given and stopped sweating the small stuff. Second year is probably the best year because you're getting decent at the small stuff, and there aren't many new assignments that put more pressure on you. Plus you have a lot of leeway still. Third year feels a bit like first year again because you're getting so much more responsibility but that passes as well. And now... in my seventh year, I don't get that stressed because I learned to stop caring.

Every single thing on the list above I recognize as part of the job, but I don't get stressed about it. I responded a day late to an email? Oh well. No one cared. I had a bunch of typos to something I sent to the partner that the partner caught? Whoops. Oh well. No one cared. I didn't sleep a couple nights to get something out? That was bad, but I know there are better days ahead. And if someone asks me to do something next week like that, I'm going to say no. You get the picture. Anyway - that's how I've been able to cope with it for so long.

[Anonymous User]

OP - I've been thinking about you and this post a lot. Haven't read thread so sorry if this is duplicative.

I had what I guess I'll call an anxiety-related mental breakdown in the spring of 2019. I think it mostly arose from some health anxiety I suffer from, but I think the stress of law firm work exacerbated that/added to it, too. I was a wreck--not sleeping, anxious all the time, experimenting with benzos and sleeping pills.

I did about 4-6 months of talk therapy. That definitely helped, but I'd say it only decreased by symptoms by about 15-20%. I then went to see a psychiatrist and got on Lexapro--a common SSRI. We slowly increased my dose and I got to a point where I had significant relief from my symptoms. I'm still on it today and it has changed my life.

I know your OP indicates you're on 1 or more anxiety meds. I would encourage you to find a great psychiatrist and continue working to find a medicine that works for you. There are a million options and doses of those options. What works for me or someone else might not work for you.

Thank you for responding. I really like my psychiatrist, but we're still in the stage of working out what medicines work for me. I've taken Lexapro before and found it didn't do much. Before things got rough with this job, I was managing my anxiety fairly well without assistance, and had not dealt with depression in six years. I'm currently on a daily anti-anxiety medication and an antidepressant, with benzos for actual panic attacks, but I'm still in the buildup stage and know I likely haven't seen the full effects yet. I hope these things will help me at least feel better through the coming slog.

[Anonymous User]

What part about the job is giving you so much anxiety you think? There are a lot of things of course that could trigger it, but I think it would be helpful to get real specific. Write out a list. Here are some things that I thought of:
- Always being on call/responsive
- Pressure to be perfect
- Just too much work (no time to sleep or play)
- Partner/associates treating you poorly
- Work is mind numbingly boring yet super stressful
- Being given tasks you have no idea how to do

Those are probably the top for me. I remember my first year whenevery little thing would stress me out (even totally meaningless things like whether I should say "Best" or "Best regards" in my signature lol). But eventually I started getting used to the tasks I was given and stopped sweating the small stuff. Second year is probably the best year because you're getting decent at the small stuff, and there aren't many new assignments that put more pressure on you. Plus you have a lot of leeway still. Third year feels a bit like first year again because you're getting so much more responsibility but that passes as well. And now... in my seventh year, I don't get that stressed because I learned to stop caring.

Every single thing on the list above I recognize as part of the job, but I don't get stressed about it. I responded a day late to an email? Oh well. No one cared. I had a bunch of typos to something I sent to the partner that the partner caught? Whoops. Oh well. No one cared. I didn't sleep a couple nights to get something out? That was bad, but I know there are better days ahead. And if someone asks me to do something next week like that, I'm going to say no. You get the picture. Anyway - that's how I've been able to cope with it for so long.

I think the most stressful, anxiety-inducing parts for me are never knowing when I'll have to drop everything and work (so I can't plan a weekend trip to see family or schedule doctor visits that I don't have to cancel), being treated poorly by the senior associates, just having too much work to handle at times, and then the "having no idea how to do any tasks I'm given."

I think the final thing on the list would get better if I intended to stay longer. I know that as I learn and gain competency, there will be fewer new and terrifying tasks. The others, though... I don't want to be, and don't think I can stand being, constantly on call for any longer than I have to. I get calls at the grocery store on Sunday. I get calls at 8pm on Friday when I've had some drinks. I get calls during hair appointments, while I'm Skyping my parents, while I'm in the bathtub. Most of these calls are not urgent and could have been an email. There's nowhere safe from these calls and no time I can feel really at peace. I feel... Hunted, for lack of a better word, all the time. This is very likely an anxiety thing and I'm working on better managing that, but it's the worst part and the part that most motivates me to make an exit as soon as I can.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope anyone who's having a hard time can find some of your methods useful.

[Anonymous User]

Would you be willing to tell me what kind of job you switched to that worked better for you? I think having some sort of centralized workflow system would be ideal, but next best in terms of firm jobs would be a small or regional firm with only a few offices where it's easy to keep up with what everyone is doing.

Government - for a massive pay cut. Your salary eventually goes back up (though not to big law levels obviously) but your anxiety and unhappiness plummet. But you know this already, you were happy clerking.

Your next job doesn’t have to be your forever job. It can just be a stepping stone out of your current situation. It can be for 40k in the middle of some small town, or 70k in a big city. You just need a way out.

It's okay if you don't feel like spending time on this, but what are the best ways to find government legal jobs? I'm not choosy about federal, state, or other local. Is there a list of agencies or departments somewhere that I don't know about?
Most of the open postings I see ask for far more experience than I have, and I'm not sure how to get in on the ground floor, as it were.

[NoLongerALurker]

Hey—you’re a first year who really isn’t that important to the firm. I’m not trying to be mean. I just want you to know you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. If you’re deadset on leaving by November, slow down, say NO to new assignments until your existing work levels out, and take a vacation. I know it seems like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders but the rest of the team will get on just fine without you and none of the crap you’re working on matters.

I'd say this is very likely true, but I'm also the ONLY junior in my group at this firm (the only other "associates" are, as I understand it, close to making partner) and will be for several more months. I am the kind of person who puts a lot of pressure on myself, but I think at least some of the pressure is external in my case.

I also don't know who or how to ask for any time off. I think I said earlier that I was brushed off and laughed at, respectively, when I asked the office HR head and my senior associate mentor what to do when you're sick and can't work.

I have this vivid memory as a second year that might be useful to keep in mind.

I was a second year who was just staffed fresh on an IPO. The first year who had been on it for the past 9 months was burnt the fuck out. And he was, and I mean it, doing way more work than a first year reasonably should. Like, as a fifth year on IPOs I have done work similar to what the first year was responsible for on that IPO. I can’t imagine how stressed he was. He billed over 2000 hours to a single matter in 8 months. It was his first and only matter at the firm.

First year has a mental breakdown. Asks for a week vacation, never comes back. Turns out he literally just fucked off to the Midwest, broke his lease, never came back to NY. Literally the firm only tracked him down because when he didn’t show up they ended up tracking down and calling his parents. And since the deal was just staffed as two partners and him, literally the whole thing kind of depended on him.

Anyway, I got staffed to replace him. It was a shitshow. Thank god the deal ended up going pencils down a few weeks later for unrelated reasons because I never could have managed to catch up.

Anyway, deal comes back a year later. I joke to partner, “Hey, now that this deal is back, should we call [old first year] and see if he’s ready to come back haha”. Partner, 0% joking, like completely seriously: “Who?”


This is a IPO that effectively ended this guy’s big law career, and where the whole freaking deal really was honestly being basically run by him as a seat-of-his-pants first year, and where he did an absurdly amazing job along the way to burning out. A year later the partner literally didn’t even remember him.

Biglaw is dumb and not only are you replaceable, but you will be replaced. Don’t let it get the better of you, OP.

[glitched]

What part about the job is giving you so much anxiety you think? There are a lot of things of course that could trigger it, but I think it would be helpful to get real specific. Write out a list. Here are some things that I thought of:
- Always being on call/responsive
- Pressure to be perfect
- Just too much work (no time to sleep or play)
- Partner/associates treating you poorly
- Work is mind numbingly boring yet super stressful
- Being given tasks you have no idea how to do

Those are probably the top for me. I remember my first year whenevery little thing would stress me out (even totally meaningless things like whether I should say "Best" or "Best regards" in my signature lol). But eventually I started getting used to the tasks I was given and stopped sweating the small stuff. Second year is probably the best year because you're getting decent at the small stuff, and there aren't many new assignments that put more pressure on you. Plus you have a lot of leeway still. Third year feels a bit like first year again because you're getting so much more responsibility but that passes as well. And now... in my seventh year, I don't get that stressed because I learned to stop caring.

Every single thing on the list above I recognize as part of the job, but I don't get stressed about it. I responded a day late to an email? Oh well. No one cared. I had a bunch of typos to something I sent to the partner that the partner caught? Whoops. Oh well. No one cared. I didn't sleep a couple nights to get something out? That was bad, but I know there are better days ahead. And if someone asks me to do something next week like that, I'm going to say no. You get the picture. Anyway - that's how I've been able to cope with it for so long.

I think the most stressful, anxiety-inducing parts for me are never knowing when I'll have to drop everything and work (so I can't plan a weekend trip to see family or schedule doctor visits that I don't have to cancel), being treated poorly by the senior associates, just having too much work to handle at times, and then the "having no idea how to do any tasks I'm given."

I think the final thing on the list would get better if I intended to stay longer. I know that as I learn and gain competency, there will be fewer new and terrifying tasks. The others, though... I don't want to be, and don't think I can stand being, constantly on call for any longer than I have to. I get calls at the grocery store on Sunday. I get calls at 8pm on Friday when I've had some drinks. I get calls during hair appointments, while I'm Skyping my parents, while I'm in the bathtub. Most of these calls are not urgent and could have been an email. There's nowhere safe from these calls and no time I can feel really at peace. I feel... Hunted, for lack of a better word, all the time. This is very likely an anxiety thing and I'm working on better managing that, but it's the worst part and the part that most motivates me to make an exit as soon as I can.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope anyone who's having a hard time can find some of your methods useful.

I get that. My wife quit for that very reason. She literally took her backpack everywhere we went. And I'm talking everywhere.

Do you want to try switching practice areas? It sounds like you're corporate. In litigation, it's fairly rare you have to drop everything and work. You'll know the case schedule and be able to plan accordingly. The only time something unexpectedly urgent comes up is if opposing files a letter or a motion, and even then, it's usually tee'd up after a couple of meet and confers.

[NewSouthernAssociate]

OP - Since you’re just trying to survive, start pushing back more. Let some of those Friday night or weekend calls go to your voicemail. Respond with an email saying you received their voicemail and can get back to them / do whatever they asked on/by [future weekday].

Start pushing back on new assignments in general. When someone asks you to do something, tell them you can do it by X date, with X date being far enough in the future that they will find someone else to do the assignment or do it themselves. At worst, you’ve bought yourself more time. Check out the thread on how to coast in Big Law for more tips. You’re unlikely to get fired as a junior, and even then, it sounds like you don’t want to be at your firm very long anyway. You would likely still get a few months severance in any event.

For vacations, email the attorneys you typically work with a few weeks in advance and tell them you’re planning to be out from X date to Y date, and to let you know if they need anything done before then. Send a reminder email a few days before, then set an automatic reply message while you’re out. Note that most Big Law associates still work a little bit while on vacation, but at least you should get a bit of a break. Don’t wait for some formal “approval,” as that isn’t the normal process.

If you’re sick and unable to work, email the attorneys you work with and tell them that. They can make other arrangements as needed.

[Anonymous User]

What part about the job is giving you so much anxiety you think? There are a lot of things of course that could trigger it, but I think it would be helpful to get real specific. Write out a list. Here are some things that I thought of:
- Always being on call/responsive
- Pressure to be perfect
- Just too much work (no time to sleep or play)
- Partner/associates treating you poorly
- Work is mind numbingly boring yet super stressful
- Being given tasks you have no idea how to do

Those are probably the top for me. I remember my first year whenevery little thing would stress me out (even totally meaningless things like whether I should say "Best" or "Best regards" in my signature lol). But eventually I started getting used to the tasks I was given and stopped sweating the small stuff. Second year is probably the best year because you're getting decent at the small stuff, and there aren't many new assignments that put more pressure on you. Plus you have a lot of leeway still. Third year feels a bit like first year again because you're getting so much more responsibility but that passes as well. And now... in my seventh year, I don't get that stressed because I learned to stop caring.

Every single thing on the list above I recognize as part of the job, but I don't get stressed about it. I responded a day late to an email? Oh well. No one cared. I had a bunch of typos to something I sent to the partner that the partner caught? Whoops. Oh well. No one cared. I didn't sleep a couple nights to get something out? That was bad, but I know there are better days ahead. And if someone asks me to do something next week like that, I'm going to say no. You get the picture. Anyway - that's how I've been able to cope with it for so long.

I think the most stressful, anxiety-inducing parts for me are never knowing when I'll have to drop everything and work (so I can't plan a weekend trip to see family or schedule doctor visits that I don't have to cancel), being treated poorly by the senior associates, just having too much work to handle at times, and then the "having no idea how to do any tasks I'm given."

I think the final thing on the list would get better if I intended to stay longer. I know that as I learn and gain competency, there will be fewer new and terrifying tasks. The others, though... I don't want to be, and don't think I can stand being, constantly on call for any longer than I have to. I get calls at the grocery store on Sunday. I get calls at 8pm on Friday when I've had some drinks. I get calls during hair appointments, while I'm Skyping my parents, while I'm in the bathtub. Most of these calls are not urgent and could have been an email. There's nowhere safe from these calls and no time I can feel really at peace. I feel... Hunted, for lack of a better word, all the time. This is very likely an anxiety thing and I'm working on better managing that, but it's the worst part and the part that most motivates me to make an exit as soon as I can.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope anyone who's having a hard time can find some of your methods useful.

I get that. My wife quit for that very reason. She literally took her backpack everywhere we went. And I'm talking everywhere.

Do you want to try switching practice areas? It sounds like you're corporate. In litigation, it's fairly rare you have to drop everything and work. You'll know the case schedule and be able to plan accordingly. The only time something unexpectedly urgent comes up is if opposing files a letter or a motion, and even then, it's usually tee'd up after a couple of meet and confers.

No, I'm in litigation. The people at the firm, both this office and others, just never leave me alone.

[Anonymous User]

It is highly unusual to get random unannounced calls Friday evening or on the weekend, at least at my firm, and I work at a firm that is considered a sweatshop. I would not answer a call like that unless it was the main share partner I work with in my group, who would very rarely if ever make a call like that anyway. It sounds like you are at a particularly toxic firm or in a particularly toxic group.

[Anonymous User]

It is highly unusual to get random unannounced calls Friday evening or on the weekend, at least at my firm, and I work at a firm that is considered a sweatshop. I would not answer a call like that unless it was the main share partner I work with in my group, who would very rarely if ever make a call like that anyway. It sounds like you are at a particularly toxic firm or in a particularly toxic group.

I have been told this before, and between this and a couple of really unpleasant personalities, I think at least my group is pretty toxic. Unfortunately, a lot of the random unannounced calls ARE from the main share partner in my group. I have considered letting it go to voicemail, but the most likely outcome with that is just me worrying about what he wanted until I call him back, unable to enjoy whatever I was doing.

[Anonymous User]

I have posted about my job on here before and some of this may be familiar, so I'm sorry if that's the case.

I'm a former judicial clerk who recently started at a Biglaw firm in the litigation group. I really, really enjoyed clerking. In between, I did a brief stint of remote contracting at a small firm and liked it, but wasn't sure if they would ever make me a permanent employee like they initially talked about.
I honestly should never have left there. I fucked up so bad. I don't know if this place is actually that dysfunctional or if I just hate it, but it's only been a few months and I'm on two separate psych medications and still crying daily and dry heaving all the time because I'm so miserable. It's been weeks since I've had a day where I didn't work, I am drowning in assignments, and I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about getting that next email. I can't eat because I constantly feel sick. Every time I put out one fire, another pops up within minutes. I have no time to come down from my regular panic attacks, and even the things that used to make me smile or laugh don't bring me happiness anymore. I'm told people are saying good things about my work, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this. I struggled with depression in college and thought I was better, but I'm not, as it turns out. Not at all.

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

All of that brings me to my actual question. How do I make it for the next eight months and get out alive? Physically, how the fuck do I survive? I realize lots of people can and do work in Biglaw for much longer, but I'm at my breaking point one third of the way in. We're still remote, and I know it's going to be worse when we go back to the office, because then they'll want me at the office all the time and there's no friendly cat or comfy pants at the office to make me feel better for a moment.

So what do I do for the next 2/3 of a year? How do I set boundaries, get people to back off, get myself feeling better, anything? I'm genuinely scared I will end up the next "Biglaw associate kills herself" if something doesn't give soon. Please help.

Big law is not that serious. Not sure why you are adding all this stress on your life. If you quit tomorrow no one would care and they would forget about you, posting your replacement the next day. You should probably stop caring so much and take a day off. You should also see a psychiatrist because Big Law sure as hell ain't worth dying over.

Well, this is unhelpful. I have started seeing a psychiatrist, hence the two new medications, and it has been made clear to me that there is no mechanism for requesting or getting a day off at my level. My kingdom for a coping strategy besides "stop being stressed," because the post I don't think you read explains why I can't quit.

"Stop being stressed!" or its equally annoying cousin "you're stressing yourself out by thinking about it so much!"

Sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately for me I know how it feels.

[Anonymous User]

How does one get over feeling embarrassed that they burnt out quickly from situations lots of other people have clearly been able to handle for years on end though? I struggle with that. I'm feeling a level of fatigue and misery I've never yet experienced, and I'm not definitely not the among the busiest in my group. It's not laziness. I'm highly interested in doing a good job, but I'm burnt out!

(Not OP)

[Dahl]

It's okay if you don't feel like spending time on this, but what are the best ways to find government legal jobs? I'm not choosy about federal, state, or other local. Is there a list of agencies or departments somewhere that I don't know about?
Most of the open postings I see ask for far more experience than I have, and I'm not sure how to get in on the ground floor, as it were.

I don’t mind at all, but I could give you more tailored advice via DM if you’d like. Local government jobs are going to be much easier to get, and the pay will reflect that. But with loan forgiveness, and an upward salary trend after a few years, in combination with the life/work benefits, it can be worth it. You’re looking for jobs that require 2-3 years experience. It’s hard to advise without knowing your location, but if you’re willing to move to a place like DC, there are just so many government jobs. You don’t need to go to the DOJ, there are so many federal agencies you wouldn’t think of (Departmental Appeals Boards hire attorneys who draft opinions for ALJ’s, which your clerking experience would be great for). And if you strike out federally you could apply to DC gov jobs, which tend to be less competitive (again they pay less). Look in the usual places but also on individual websites for Commissions and Boards.

But OP remember - you don’t need a job to leave. If you’re truly miserable, you have a way out. Breaking your lease and living off savings for a few months is so much better than what you described in your first post.