I’m writing a book about lawyers and drug use Forum

[eilenez]

Thank you for your comments--they are really insightful. I do want to address the divorce issue. First, yes, alot of attorneys have divorces (and remarriages and second and third divorces). Peter had an affair with someone with whom he went to law school. I had no idea. I'm not saying we had a fairy tale relationship--we didn't. I never saw him because he worked and traveled so much and when he was home, he was usually trying to get some much needed sleep. But we were not happy, and we talked about that, and we had been in counseling. Peter was the one, ultimately, that pulled the plug on the marriage, but I understood why (even if it hurt that he was having an affair). I would never claim to be a perfect partner--I was angry and lonely and deeply, profoundly unhappy and Peter was too. His unhappiness came from different places, but we both knew our marriage was in deep trouble. At the time we had young kids, and we functioned as a business unit almost--me managing the kids, the house, my own career, everything outside of Peter's legal career. But we could not survive without his job. Not in California, anyway.

However, I will say I urged him repeatedly to go in-house, to get a job where he could be present on the weekends and spend time with his kids. But when we split up he acknowledged that what he wanted was a partnership. He wanted the power and the prestige. And the money. I think he did have a work addiction (among many other addictions, be it opioids or meth or shopping or wine or food). But it's very seductive. How do you walk away from so much money? Especially when you've found so many ways to spend it? When the women you date see you as more attractive because of it? When you feel that rush of power that comes (even if it's largely BS) from being a partner? I can't answer those questions. He was not a bad guy, he was just complicated and desperately unhappy. But our divorce was a footnote. We didn't even have lawyers--we went to mediation and in total it cost about $2000, including the court filing costs. He saw his kids as much as he could, I was never an impediment to that. We both really wanted our kids to be okay in spite of our divorce. His stress was almost all work and then underlying mental health issues.

[Anonymous User]

He wanted the power and the prestige. And the money. I think he did have a work addiction (among many other addictions, be it opioids or meth or shopping or wine or food). But it's very seductive. How do you walk away from so much money? Especially when you've found so many ways to spend it? When the women you date see you as more attractive because of it? When you feel that rush of power that comes (even if it's largely BS) from being a partner? I can't answer those questions.

I'm not speaking about your situation in particular, but just more related to the overall topic of your quote and how it relates lawyers, drug use, stress, and choices a person makes.

I think you're focusing too much about the specific job, as opposed to a specific person's personality and perspective. And how they view their work and what they value.

There's a high rate of alcohol abuse among lawyers, and you'll find interesting studies on that for your book. But I think it's largely cultural perspective, not strictly tied to the "stress of the job." Shit, people in Singapore work ridiculously long hours and are put in stressful situations, you don't see a major cocaine or drug problems there comparable to here.

Since you're writing a book, you might want to check out Tony Hsieh's book. He's a billionaire that lives in a trailer. https://youtu.be/o6OLrBuCNAw

Think about Tony Hsieh's personality and perspective. He sold a company for $265 million in his twenties. He lost more money in a year than big firm law partners will make in a life time. But he valued the experience, the work more, and what they were building - as opposed to the material things he was gaining/losing. He greatly valued working with his friends.

Why isn't Hsieh chasing many different things to spend money on? Isn't it more prestigious to live in a giant mansion in Palo Alto or Napa? Or to own a $30 million dollar ranch on San Ramon?

So, I think it's just an individual's personality. Not the job title itself. I think "job" and "long hours" are often times used as an explanation, because questioning one's personality and values is more tougher to do.

[oblig.lawl.ref]

He wanted the power and the prestige. And the money. I think he did have a work addiction (among many other addictions, be it opioids or meth or shopping or wine or food). But it's very seductive. How do you walk away from so much money? Especially when you've found so many ways to spend it? When the women you date see you as more attractive because of it? When you feel that rush of power that comes (even if it's largely BS) from being a partner? I can't answer those questions.

I'm not speaking about your situation in particular, but just more related to the overall topic of your quote and how it relates lawyers, drug use, stress, and choices a person makes.

I think you're focusing too much about the specific job, as opposed to a specific person's personality and perspective. And how they view their work and what they value.

There's a high rate of alcohol abuse among lawyers, and you'll find interesting studies on that for your book. But I think it's largely cultural perspective, not strictly tied to the "stress of the job." Shit, people in Singapore work ridiculously long hours and are put in stressful situations, you don't see a major cocaine or drug problems there comparable to here.

Since you're writing a book, you might want to check out Tony Hsieh's book. He's a billionaire that lives in a trailer. https://youtu.be/o6OLrBuCNAw

Think about Tony Hsieh's personality and perspective. He sold a company for $265 million in his twenties. He lost more money in a year than big firm law partners will make in a life time. But he valued the experience, the work more, and what they were building - as opposed to the material things he was gaining/losing. He greatly valued working with his friends.

Why isn't Hsieh chasing many different things to spend money on? Isn't it more prestigious to live in a giant mansion in Palo Alto or Napa? Or to own a $30 million dollar ranch on San Ramon?

So, I think it's just an individual's personality. Not the job title itself. I think "job" and "long hours" are often times used as an explanation, because questioning one's personality and values is more tougher to do.

Hey bud, the point of the book is the interrelation between lawyers and drug abuse, a noted phenomenon. Would be weird not to focus on the specific job.

[nixy]

Also I think "it's all about the individual personality" is a cop-out that allows someone to say "well it's about the individual [so it won't ever happen to me!]."

(As for major cocaine/other drug problems in Singapore - a culture where they execute drug dealing probably has something to do with that.)

[shock259]

Thank you for your comments--they are really insightful. I do want to address the divorce issue. First, yes, alot of attorneys have divorces (and remarriages and second and third divorces). Peter had an affair with someone with whom he went to law school. I had no idea. I'm not saying we had a fairy tale relationship--we didn't. I never saw him because he worked and traveled so much and when he was home, he was usually trying to get some much needed sleep. But we were not happy, and we talked about that, and we had been in counseling. Peter was the one, ultimately, that pulled the plug on the marriage, but I understood why (even if it hurt that he was having an affair). I would never claim to be a perfect partner--I was angry and lonely and deeply, profoundly unhappy and Peter was too. His unhappiness came from different places, but we both knew our marriage was in deep trouble. At the time we had young kids, and we functioned as a business unit almost--me managing the kids, the house, my own career, everything outside of Peter's legal career. But we could not survive without his job. Not in California, anyway.

However, I will say I urged him repeatedly to go in-house, to get a job where he could be present on the weekends and spend time with his kids. But when we split up he acknowledged that what he wanted was a partnership. He wanted the power and the prestige. And the money. I think he did have a work addiction (among many other addictions, be it opioids or meth or shopping or wine or food). But it's very seductive. How do you walk away from so much money? Especially when you've found so many ways to spend it? When the women you date see you as more attractive because of it? When you feel that rush of power that comes (even if it's largely BS) from being a partner? I can't answer those questions. He was not a bad guy, he was just complicated and desperately unhappy. But our divorce was a footnote. We didn't even have lawyers--we went to mediation and in total it cost about $2000, including the court filing costs. He saw his kids as much as he could, I was never an impediment to that. We both really wanted our kids to be okay in spite of our divorce. His stress was almost all work and then underlying mental health issues.

Just wanted to say that you're honesty and transparency is really appreciated. I look forward to reading the book.