Why is revealing salary/offers so taboo outside of the firm? Forum

[kcdc1]

Even when trying to gather info for negotiating purposes, it's not easy to ask people for salary info. And that is a shame because it's helpful information. Glassdoor and anonymous data can only get you so far. It's much more helpful to know what others are making in your position and at your office.

[Hikikomorist]

How much does everyone make here

I make zero dollars, but whenever I sleep with a chick I always glassdoor her job, and I feel way better about my life if she makes a good amount.

I glassdoor pretty much all my Facebook friends.

[HonestAdvice]

It's no different than discussing the ranking of your school, or how much you lift. If you're not applying for a mortgage or something similar, the only motives to communicate this information are (1) to get approval from the person you're talking to, (2) to show the other person they should like/respect you or (3) to show the other person you're better than them or a 3rd party.

Depending on which of the 3 you fall into, you're either going to come off as vain/superficial, rude, mean, desperate, insecure or some combination of the above. All of these are turn offs regardless of gender or age, and social intent - professional connections, friendship, sex, etc. Even if somebody only wanted to date a person who was successful, they will generally only ever hint towards this by using phrases like "ivy league educated," "ambitious," "hard worker," etc.

Another thing is that most people making a six-figure salary at your age came from money or privilege. They're "upper class." Now you only really think, worry and base your self-concept largely on money if money is a priority to you. Most of the time money is a priority to you, because you don't have a ton of it - otherwise why worry? Talking about how much money you make unless it's seven-figures suggests you don't come from money, which I think is why it probably turns off wealthy people more than anyone else, even if wealthy people aren't aware of why it turns them off.

Your desire to talk about your salary is a pain, because it creates a stigma whenever anyone wants to discuss salary/money, which is annoying because for us people who don't come from a ton of money, we really need to be able to have that conversation with SO's to plan effectively. A lot of millennials will have a 30k/job with funding from mom and dad, and assume that a partner making 160k is rich because they have no awareness/appreciation of how much their parents actually spend to give them the life they're accustomed to.

[First Offense]

Sharing it within a job - fine. That's an important worker right.

Sharing it outside? You're a cock.

[GreenEggs]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

[Rowinguy2009]

Your desire to talk about your salary is a pain, because it creates a stigma whenever anyone wants to discuss salary/money, which is annoying because for us people who don't come from a ton of money, we really need to be able to have that conversation with SO's to plan effectively. A lot of millennials will have a 30k/job with funding from mom and dad, and assume that a partner making 160k is rich because they have no awareness/appreciation of how much their parents actually spend to give them the life they're accustomed to.

You won't talk with your SO about money because of societal stigma? I mean, of course you don't just drop your salary when chatting with randoms at a cocktail party. In most normal situations it's never occurred to me to bring this up. But most people are willing to talk about this in an appropriate setting. I know I've told my salary to friends who were looking to lateral and were trying to get info. I've also disclosed it to family when discussing the possibility of taking a new job, moving, etc.

Use discretion and don't be a douchenozzle, but we're also not talking about the nuclear codes here.

[ruski]

I would suggest against disclosing salary to anyone, even family and close friends. unless you want to feel pressured to pick up tabs, let go of small sums you lent out, be the butt of jokes against the 1%, etc. esp in circumstances where you make considerably more than your friends, and where people don't quite grasp you paid 200k for your degree and that after taxes you are not exactly a baller.

[kcdc1]

This thread is bringing out a lot of weird opinions and hang-ups, or at least they seem weird to me. Can some normal people please comment? I'm worrying that I might be the crazy one.

[Anonymous User]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

My lifelong close friend is moving to NYC in a few weeks and we both have lived in Florida our entire lives. I asked him how much his rent going to be (never known anyone close who moved to NYC). He declined to answer and acted mildly offended. Also we were at a bar talking about his upcoming move. I don't see how the question, especially when considering the context, could be taboo.

I do think that discussing salaries is distasteful though.

[Leagles5161]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

My lifelong close friend is moving to NYC in a few weeks and we both have lived in Florida our entire lives. I asked him how much his rent going to be (never known anyone close who moved to NYC). He declined to answer and acted mildly offended. Also we were at a bar talking about his upcoming move. I don't see how the question, especially when considering the context, could be taboo.

I do think that discussing salaries is distasteful though.

oops didn't mean to be anonymous

[1styearlateral]

This thread is bringing out a lot of weird opinions and hang-ups, or at least they seem weird to me. Can some normal people please comment? I'm worrying that I might be the crazy one.

Since I consider myself above-average normal, I'll give it a stab:

I think in larger markets (NYC, LA, Philly, etc.) where the salaries are well known (e.g., listed on Vault), there's no reason to ask about salary because I don't think there's a lot of room to negotiate there (correct me if I'm wrong).

However, if you're at a smaller firm, finding the right salary point to negotiate is key. I know when I was offered my position as a first-year, there was a salary negotiation, and even though the firm was interested in having me back after summering, they were really trying to get me to agree to the lowest possible salary possible. Not knowing what other associates made, I didn't really have a good idea other than what I thought I was worth. To that end, I'm 90% positive all associates at my mid-sized firm are paid varying amounts, and I doubt any two associates are paid the same. I asked someone I knew who was a first year at the time but he wouldn't give it up.

[1styearlateral]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

My lifelong close friend is moving to NYC in a few weeks and we both have lived in Florida our entire lives. I asked him how much his rent going to be (never known anyone close who moved to NYC). He declined to answer and acted mildly offended. Also we were at a bar talking about his upcoming move. I don't see how the question, especially when considering the context, could be taboo.

I do think that discussing salaries is distasteful though.

People don't like to give up how much they spend on rent because 1) it might give away how much they make (you're supposed to spend 40 percent of your salary on rent) and 2) spending too much/too little could lead to certain perceptions/inferences.

[Leagles5161]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

My lifelong close friend is moving to NYC in a few weeks and we both have lived in Florida our entire lives. I asked him how much his rent going to be (never known anyone close who moved to NYC). He declined to answer and acted mildly offended. Also we were at a bar talking about his upcoming move. I don't see how the question, especially when considering the context, could be taboo.

I do think that discussing salaries is distasteful though.

People don't like to give up how much they spend on rent because 1) it might give away how much they make (you're supposed to spend 40 percent of your salary on rent) and 2) spending too much/too little could lead to certain perceptions/inferences.

Dude 40% is crazy high. 25% is ideal with 30% on the high end. Unless you wanna live in a nice place and eat ramen noodles every night and ride your bike everywhere.

But yeah I see what you're saying.

[pppp]

I personally find the secrecy regarding all of this, grades/salary/rent extremely off-putting. By declining to answer, they are the ones putting an unduly high matter of importance to the number. I'm not gonna think any higher of you if you make some more $ than I thought.

[BrokenMouse]

I would suggest against disclosing salary to anyone, even family and close friends. unless you want to feel pressured to pick up tabs, let go of small sums you lent out, be the butt of jokes against the 1%, etc. esp in circumstances where you make considerably more than your friends, and where people don't quite grasp you paid 200k for your degree and that after taxes you are not exactly a baller.

sounds to me like you're just a douche to people around you.

[BrokenMouse]

I personally find the secrecy regarding all of this, grades/salary/rent extremely off-putting. By declining to answer, they are the ones putting an unduly high matter of importance to the number. I'm not gonna think any higher of you if you make some more $ than I thought.

exactly. i dont give a shit if my friend or any suit wearing idiot i run into at a networking function makes a million dollars per hour or twenty an hour. people are so full of themselves. it's not about them. most times, people don't ask about others' salary just to size them up and be a tactless nosy douchebag. it's because they are gathering info on what a particular firm pays or what the ballpark salary is in the field they work in, because to a noob like me I have no clue. but to decline at all times to share this insignificant information is just all around douchey.

these people still haven't even answered the question. the only response so far is that "yeah im self-conscious about how people might perceive me once i disclose how awesome i am swimming in a pool of cash. because it's all about me"

[jess]

.

[BrokenMouse]

stop thread shitting in on-topic forum and go back to the cesspool.

[bretby]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

My lifelong close friend is moving to NYC in a few weeks and we both have lived in Florida our entire lives. I asked him how much his rent going to be (never known anyone close who moved to NYC). He declined to answer and acted mildly offended. Also we were at a bar talking about his upcoming move. I don't see how the question, especially when considering the context, could be taboo.

I do think that discussing salaries is distasteful though.

People don't like to give up how much they spend on rent because 1) it might give away how much they make (you're supposed to spend 40 percent of your salary on rent) and 2) spending too much/too little could lead to certain perceptions/inferences.

I always ask about rent and share my rent if asked. It's incredibly helpful to know since I'm always kind of looking to move. But I am rent stabilized so that will probably never happen.

[1styearlateral]

I really don't get why some people take their rent payments to be personal/sensitive.

My lifelong close friend is moving to NYC in a few weeks and we both have lived in Florida our entire lives. I asked him how much his rent going to be (never known anyone close who moved to NYC). He declined to answer and acted mildly offended. Also we were at a bar talking about his upcoming move. I don't see how the question, especially when considering the context, could be taboo.

I do think that discussing salaries is distasteful though.

People don't like to give up how much they spend on rent because 1) it might give away how much they make (you're supposed to spend 40 percent of your salary on rent) and 2) spending too much/too little could lead to certain perceptions/inferences.

I always ask about rent and share my rent if asked. It's incredibly helpful to know since I'm always kind of looking to move. But I am rent stabilized so that will probably never happen.

Sounds to me like a subconscious brag. But seriously, you probably don't meet too many people who pay less than you.

[1styearlateral]

I would suggest against disclosing salary to anyone, even family and close friends. unless you want to feel pressured to pick up tabs, let go of small sums you lent out, be the butt of jokes against the 1%, etc. esp in circumstances where you make considerably more than your friends, and where people don't quite grasp you paid 200k for your degree and that after taxes you are not exactly a baller.

sounds to me like you're just a douche to people around you.

I think there's a lot of truth to what ruski says. I have a close friend whose family is very well off (real estate tycoons) and there have definitely been times where he's been taken advantage of because people know he's got some real cash. Not saying that you need to keep everything under lock and key, but broadcasting how much you earn can make you a target.

[kcdc1]

The idea that you would decline to tell your mom how much you earn when she asks in order to avoid picking up the tab at dinner suggests that you might have unusual priorities.

[ballouttacontrol]

The idea that you would decline to tell your mom how much you earn when she asks in order to avoid picking up the tab at dinner suggests that you might have unusual priorities.

I have working class friends I grew up with, and while I freely share my $ with them (meaning not as in share the amount I make, but share a large portion of the physical dollars-we all from the same hood after all ya kno). But then they sometimes brag on my behalf, and then when some friends of friends catch wind I've been told things like "You're ballin right go pick us up a bottle of henny rel quick." My boys know better but that's askin for an asswoopin

[BrokenMouse]

I personally can't think of an instance where some guy I barely know or even an acquaintance would assume I'd pay for them, let alone take advantage of me because I'm a lawyer and make $. Who does that? How do you let that happen to you? That situation simply doesn't arise and it's hard for me to imagine one. It's even more unthinkable my non-lawyer close friends would ever do that. In the event that ever happens, that person would be barred for life from being in my life. Maybe it says more about you and how you carry yourself.

[ruski]

I personally can't think of an instance where some guy I barely know or even an acquaintance would assume I'd pay for them, let alone take advantage of me because I'm a lawyer and make $. Who does that? How do you let that happen to you? That situation simply doesn't arise and it's hard for me to imagine one. It's even more unthinkable my non-lawyer close friends would ever do that. In the event that ever happens, that person would be barred for life from being in my life. Maybe it says more about you and how you carry yourself.

or, more likely, it depends how you grew up. sure if all you friends are consultants or bankers, or doing some type of public interest but living off parents, of course you would never run into this. but if you come from a real working class background (im talking about having friends that are mechanics, construction workers, security guards, etc), I'll be surprised if this has never happened to you. and I'm not talking about, oh yea I have one 3rd cousin that is a mechanic and he never tells me this stuff - im talking about your entire social circle being working class people. and its not like they come out and tell you to buy them shit at the mall like you are their sugar daddy. but there are definitely references and jokes that sometimes I feel like are not so appropirate