Just found out dad has MS Forum

[dingbat]

If it were me, I'd inform the school, tell them I appreciate it, maybe some day down the road, but I really do have a duty to my family.


I think that's the honorable thing to do.

There are many things I can say about the word and concept "honorable"
I guess the best way to sum it up is to say sometimes the best course of action is not the nosy honorable course of action.
Don't let honor get in the way of what's best

[Anonymous User]

Well, you are and i hope this isn't offensive a mans man to adapt like u did. My dad is just not a mans man, and not so adaptive. Also, he doesn't have your IQ-nt sure if it's bec of MS, but he was a professor when i was a little kid (hasn't been for 15 yrs), and i know last yr his IQ tested at like 87 on something. He also seems to have it more severe as he can't type, and has no motor skills. He can still speak and stuff but job wise he has always been a little bit socially awkward, and i cant see him in a job morw cobtigent on social skills than motor/analytic skills, which he is rapidly losing. Unfortunately my mom's genetic side is the side with the good social skills. Her family is also relatively prominent, but they were disowned when i was a kid over some scam my dad tried pulling that jeopardized one of my moms brothere careers. I tried to rebridge the relatiknship fpr my mom and sisters but the relatives are not rational about it,

Posting anonymously as I'd like to avoid employers finding out what I'm about to disclose (mods, if you aren't down with this use of the Anon, please just delete my post in its entirety rather than attaching my name):

I also have MS (though not the progressive type), and in my experience there are quite a few programs in place (though this varies state by state) in order to help out people who need a bit more support due to the progression of the disease.

I would check in with social security/disability folks and, even more helpful in my opinion, your local chapter of the National MS Society. NMSS has relatively good contacts with service providers, financial help, and attorneys that are familiar with going through the disability process. If you can get you dad hooked in with them, it will likely reduce the amount your family has to lean on you; the support staff at the NMSS chapter will be able to answer questions and all that once your family is familiar with them. The folks from NMSS I've met have been nothing if not persistent.

I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about, in terms of wanting to go to law school and all that; I think it's possible to get your family on the path to the support they need before fall semester starts. But I'm not you. Ultimately you'll need to do what feels right for you and your situation.

Same anon with MS here -

I'm...not entirely sure what the question mark deal is for. So I'm sorry if I'm missing a question somewhere or something.

There are programs, like social security/medicare/etc. that provide financial help and services to people with MS disability. I will entirely honest that my usage of those services has been minimal (as my disability is minimal and I have health insurance - go Obamacare). But my experiences have led me to believe that, regardless of your dad's current state of disability, there are programs that exist to help him out. I recommend NMSS only because they will be more familiar with what's available in your area than I am. I really can't emphasize enough how much I think your family should look into these programs.

MS may have impacted his thinking skills - cognitive dysfunction is common in MS, especially its progressive forms - and motor skills are likely to go at some point. Unfortunately it's the nature of the beast. That's why getting on top of what's out there in terms of assistance programs in your area is something it'd be better to do sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the more incapacitated your dad will be.

I hate to lay it all out like this, both because it feels kind of insensitive and because it's entirely possible that this is my future, but it's likely your dad will never work again. And MS is fucking expensive, trust me. The less aggressive forms of the disease have drugs that cost over $40k/year, retail. The meds used for the progressive forms, which require hospital assistance to administer, are even more pricey. Getting services and financial assistance, especially given how you've painted your family's finances, is going to be key if you ever want to leave and feel secure in your siblings' continued ability to eat/live somewhere. Especially if your mom isn't working and your extended family isn't much help.

Get in touch with those services now, man. I think that's your best shot. Honestly.

[Anonymous User]

Well, you are and i hope this isn't offensive a mans man to adapt like u did. My dad is just not a mans man, and not so adaptive. Also, he doesn't have your IQ-nt sure if it's bec of MS, but he was a professor when i was a little kid (hasn't been for 15 yrs), and i know last yr his IQ tested at like 87 on something. He also seems to have it more severe as he can't type, and has no motor skills. He can still speak and stuff but job wise he has always been a little bit socially awkward, and i cant see him in a job morw cobtigent on social skills than motor/analytic skills, which he is rapidly losing. Unfortunately my mom's genetic side is the side with the good social skills. Her family is also relatively prominent, but they were disowned when i was a kid over some scam my dad tried pulling that jeopardized one of my moms brothere careers. I tried to rebridge the relatiknship fpr my mom and sisters but the relatives are not rational about it,

Posting anonymously as I'd like to avoid employers finding out what I'm about to disclose (mods, if you aren't down with this use of the Anon, please just delete my post in its entirety rather than attaching my name):

I also have MS (though not the progressive type), and in my experience there are quite a few programs in place (though this varies state by state) in order to help out people who need a bit more support due to the progression of the disease.

I would check in with social security/disability folks and, even more helpful in my opinion, your local chapter of the National MS Society. NMSS has relatively good contacts with service providers, financial help, and attorneys that are familiar with going through the disability process. If you can get you dad hooked in with them, it will likely reduce the amount your family has to lean on you; the support staff at the NMSS chapter will be able to answer questions and all that once your family is familiar with them. The folks from NMSS I've met have been nothing if not persistent.

I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about, in terms of wanting to go to law school and all that; I think it's possible to get your family on the path to the support they need before fall semester starts. But I'm not you. Ultimately you'll need to do what feels right for you and your situation.

Same anon with MS here -

I'm...not entirely sure what the question mark deal is for. So I'm sorry if I'm missing a question somewhere or something.

There are programs, like social security/medicare/etc. that provide financial help and services to people with MS disability. I will entirely honest that my usage of those services has been minimal (as my disability is minimal and I have health insurance - go Obamacare). But my experiences have led me to believe that, regardless of your dad's current state of disability, there are programs that exist to help him out. I recommend NMSS only because they will be more familiar with what's available in your area than I am. I really can't emphasize enough how much I think your family should look into these programs.

MS may have impacted his thinking skills - cognitive dysfunction is common in MS, especially its progressive forms - and motor skills are likely to go at some point. Unfortunately it's the nature of the beast. That's why getting on top of what's out there in terms of assistance programs in your area is something it'd be better to do sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the more incapacitated your dad will be.

I hate to lay it all out like this, both because it feels kind of insensitive and because it's entirely possible that this is my future, but it's likely your dad will never work again. And MS is fucking expensive, trust me. The less aggressive forms of the disease have drugs that cost over $40k/year, retail. The meds used for the progressive forms, which require hospital assistance to administer, are even more pricey. Getting services and financial assistance, especially given how you've painted your family's finances, is going to be key if you ever want to leave and feel secure in your siblings' continued ability to eat/live somewhere. Especially if your mom isn't working and your extended family isn't much help.

Get in touch with those services now, man. I think that's your best shot. Honestly.

sry about the q mark. i was on my phone so random buttons come up.

very concerned who pays the 40k? if my parents have no assets is it free? my mom said it's medicaid. does this run out? kind of realllllly want to know this.

don't worry about the insensitivity or what not. not very sensitive/emotional - just want to keep getting the most useful info i can so that i can make the smartest choice.

[Anonymous User]

sry about the q mark. i was on my phone so random buttons come up.

very concerned who pays the 40k? if my parents have no assets is it free? my mom said it's medicaid. does this run out? kind of realllllly want to know this.

don't worry about the insensitivity or what not. not very sensitive/emotional - just want to keep getting the most useful info i can so that i can make the smartest choice.

Same anon as before -

I'd check with medicaid, if that's the insurance your dad has. I don't want to promise you that it's covered, but I suspect that it is to at least some extent (there are no generic forms of MS drugs and there aren't multiples available that have the same impact; each and every type of drug is both unique and expensive). And, like I said, the $40k is retail. Insurance plans get it much cheaper than that, and their subscribers even cheaper (because it's generally just the copay). But I won't lie to you, like I said, MS can be crazy expensive (depending on the insurance coverage). The drugs are expensive, the hospital stays are expensive...check with your dad's insurance. Find out what they cover. I believe medicaid will cover a decent amount of those costs, but I don't know for sure (since I'm not eligible) and I don't want to give you wrong advice.

Research, research, research.

[NotMyRealName09]

It doesn't take much expertise to obtain government benefits. People who are poor or unintelligent seem to figure it out. A phone call to the respective agency can point you in the right direction.

A good parent should not actively hold their child back from having a better life. And if, in your guilt, you are willing to forgo attending a top law school while you are still young enough to build a career, I say the right decision is to attend school so your children don't have to face the very dilema you are facing now, as education has a cumulative effect over generations, and your kids will be more likely to attend graduate school if you did too.

At least your education will give you opportunity, opportunities you will pass up if you don't go. It is VERY difficult to make it into a top 10 law school, an opportunity that should not be squandered. And if you don't go now, you'll forever be making excuses as to why you aren't ready to go back to law school. It is not your responsibility to care for your parents to the detriment of your career and life.

Your parents are adults - treat them like it.

In three years, your earning potential - even if you are only end up with median grades - will be higher than 35k. Help them then. If your parents are mad at your decision to attend one of the country's top law schools because you cannot support them, well, let that be a lesson in bad parenting. (Sorry, this is a difficult subject to discuss without being frank). And set an example for your sisters - work hard and get an education and get the hell away from home so you don't have to live like your parents are now.

If it is your guilt is giving you pause, I would argue you should not feel guilty - children are made to go out into the world and grow. Your parents were children once and established their own lives, then made you so you could build your own life. You parents' failures should not prevent you from finding success.

When opportunity knocks, grab it while you can. A parent should want the best for their children, and if they don't, it is up to you to not let them hold you back, however hard that decision may end up being.

[Anonymous User]

It doesn't take much expertise to obtain government benefits. People who are poor or unintelligent seem to figure it out. A phone call to the respective agency can point you in the right direction.

A good parent should not actively hold their child back from having a better life. And if, in your guilt, you are willing to forgo attending a top law school while you are still young enough to build a career, I say the right decision is to attend school so your children don't have to face the very dilema you are facing now.

At least your education will give you opportunity, opportunities you will pass up if you don't go. It is VERY difficult to make it into a top 10 law school, an opportunity that should not be squandered. And if you don't go now, you'll forever be making excuses as to why you aren't ready to go back to law school. It is not your responsibility to care for your parents to the detriment of your career and life.

Your parents are adults - treat them like it.

In three years, your earning potential - even if you are only end up with median grades - will be higher than 35k. Help them then. If your parents are mad at your decision to attend one of the country's top law schools because you cannot support them, well, let that be a lesson in bad parenting. (Sorry, this is a difficult subject to discuss without being frank). And set an example for your sisters - work hard and get an education and get the hell away from home so you don't have to live like your parents are now.

If it is your guilt is giving you pause, I would argue you should not feel guilty - children are made to go out into the world and grow. Your parents were children and established their own lives, then made you so you could have build your own life. You parents' failures should not prevent you from finding success.

When opportunity knocks, grab it while you can. A parent should want the best for their children, and if they don't, it is up to you to not let them hold you back, however hard that decision may end up being.

no my parents dont make me feel guilty about it. if anything they like showing off about it to people. i don't really assess wrong or right based off what my parents think. i norm value society's judgments more, but yeah i will be attending. i just wannt to do what i can before i go so i can map it off my brain.

[NotMyRealName09]

Then, no matter what happens, I bet your parents will be very proud to have raised such a successful child.

Just be sure to max out your loans, which will give you some pocket money you can divert to your parents. I know people these days lament the high cost of law school debt, but the fact remains you can borrow money for living expenses. Just let the need to pay back your loans eventually encourage you to excel in school.

Good luck

[Anonymous User]

Then, no matter what happens, I bet your parents will be very proud to have raised such a successful child.

Just be sure to max out your loans, which will give you some pocket money you can divert to your parents. I know people these days lament the high cost of law school debt, but the fact remains you can borrow money for living expenses. Just let the need to pay back your loans eventually encourage you to excel in school.

Good luck

thanks man, i appreciate it.

you don't know if medicaid runs out do u? if it's really over 40k a yr and he isn't making money, if diability fell through, id convince my mom to get him to stop the treatments even if this led to death.

[Anonymous User]

If it were me, I'd inform the school, tell them I appreciate it, maybe some day down the road, but I really do have a duty to my family.


I think that's the honorable thing to do.

with all due respect, ur a woman and im a man in this situation. not going to law school and having money of my own would make it impractical for me to ever get married to the kind of woman i connect with. i am also not so compassionate, loving, etc. - partially why i cope with situations like this better than most. i do love my family, but i dont like hugging and crying about it. i'm all about just adapting, and not whining about it.

[Anonymous User]

I'm going through something similar with a family member having MS and I'm currently in law school. Although I didn't face as pressing of a concern as you do, what with having to consider covering multiple people's expense, there was a huge concern that my money was going to have to be siphoned off to cover medical and other expenses. The situation has turned out to be much better than I thought, so here are a few things I did that perhaps might work for you.

1. Ask the school for a scholarship or other free money, explaining your sudden situation (you have nothing to lose).

2. Look into a Special Needs Trust in a state where you could reasonably expect your family to be, whether that is their current place of residence or where you will be in school. It doesn't sound like your family has much in the way of assets, but what such trusts do is allow you to liquidate everything the trustor owns (in this case your dad), still qualify for full Medicaid, SSD, Medicare, etc. This should cover all medical costs (with the dual eligibility of Medicaid/Medicare, especially if you can find a care team that accepts "assignment.". All of the money in the trust will go to quality of life stuff, medical and other things will be covered by the gov't. There are downsides to this, but it's a huge help.

3. Even if it has to come out of your own money, hire a Life Care Planning Elder Law attorney. There are some through this organization, but I know there are other similar groups. Think of what these people can do as estate planning for fucked up life situations. It has been a huge help in the process for me. They can handle any Special Needs Trust stuff setup, approval for gov't benefits, the works. Sure you could drudge through the whole process, but I don't think it's as simple and timely as it has been made out here in other posts. This also lets you keep your distance and focus on your life, which is easy because it sounds like you're like me and aren't overly emotionally involved, just trying to do the right thing while taking care of yourself.

4. Definitely get in touch with the MS Society.

5. Consider assisted living or in-home care for your dad. Depending on the interplay of my mentions above with state law regarding Medicaid, these could be free or hugely discounted.

6. Go to law school, you'll be doing your family the biggest benefit by being able to make a serious income to supplement these things down the road, if need be.

[Anonymous User]

Still need info on medicaid. Internet and MS hotlines not helpful. If it is not covered and over 40k a yr, id have no choice but to ensure the state takes custody of my sisters. My parents have mentioned theyd commit suicide if this happened, but I think even if this is true, protecting my sisters must be the first priority. I would also try to convinve my dad to consider assistef suicide. It is awful and I know I am an awful person, but life is not perfect and protecting my sisters' futures and safety seems more good than takimg away my parents' quality of life is bad.

[sunynp]

I think you need a lot more support and advice. I don't think you get to decide if the state takes custody of your sisters. I think you really need to find some people who can give you better advice. I recommended a social worker, maybe an elder care lawyer. Just make sure you get a person who knows the law of the state where your family lives, not where you live.

Also, I know you are trying to be a nice guy, but you sound a little bit like a jerk. Just how do you think your sisters, that you are so concerned about, are reacting to all this? Think they want their parents to commit suicide, or even threaten that around them? You are making this all about you.

Medicaid laws are not that complicated.

[dingbat]

I think you need a lot more support and advice. I don't think you get to decide if the state takes custody of your sisters. I think you really need to find some people who can give you better advice. I recommended a social worker, maybe an elder care lawyer. Just make sure you get a person who knows the law of the state where your family lives, not where you live.

Also, I know you are trying to be a nice guy, but you sound a little bit like a jerk. Just how do you think your sisters, that you are so concerned about, are reacting to all this? Think they want their parents to commit suicide, or even threaten that around them? You are making this all about you.

Medicaid laws are not that complicated.

I change my earlier answer to this.
Talk to a social worker or other professional in your home state and figure this shit out.
Them go to law school

[BlueDiamond]

Does this not qualify for the category of "Life Decisions That Shouldn't Be Made by Randoms on the Interweb"

[TheZoid]

If it were me, I'd inform the school, tell them I appreciate it, maybe some day down the road, but I really do have a duty to my family.


I think that's the honorable thing to do.

Gotta say I completely disagree. If parents were trying to help themselves, then sure, but they're not. OP, this is a tough situation, and you are handling it like a grown man, but I'd go if I were you. You have a chance to go to a T10 and really help your sisters and/or parents a lot more in a few years than you can on 35k. Also, I think some of the other posters ITT are correct in that you might be surprised how much your parents change when they can't depend on you for money. Best of luck to you, and I hope it all works out for you.

[Anonymous User]

Same MS anon from earlier, here -

I feel uncomfortable playing the role of MS guru, but since as someone with MS I've done a ton of research on it....

I feel like you're overreacting, dude. Assisted suicide? Are you trolling? MS, even progressive MS, is rarely a fatal illness.

Does it suck? Sure. Can it be expensive if you don't figure out what programs are available to you? Yeah. But even if treatment weren't an option, it's not as though suicide would be a reasonable response. There are people with MS who never get treatment that live to be over 70 years old. Calm down.

Talk to the experts you need to talk to. They can give you better advice than some anonymous law student, me or anyone else on here, can. This is not a problem you're going to solve on TLS.

[Samara]

Didn't read the whole thread, so sorry if this is repeated information...

For Social Security Disability: Disability cases get initially rejected all the time. In Indiana, the agency was so overworked that it became a matter of course to reject all but the most textbook of applicants. Something like 2/3 of applicants were rejected initially, but most of them eventually won the benefits. Unfortunately, it took over 2 years on average for new applicants to receive benefits. It's probably not as bad in your state, but it may be a similar situation.

So, anyway, if Disability is rejected, immediately appeal. If you are having trouble with the agency, call your U.S. Representative or Senator, whichever seems more responsive. If you have additional questions, PM me.

There may be other programs that can help, Medicaid, etc. Your state representative can help navigate those.

All that said, I think you should go to law school. My wife is dealing with a bit of a similar situation. Life was better for everyone when she stopped feeling responsible for propping up her family and stopped blaming herself for not being able to help more. We still help her brothers out here and there, but her dad isn't going to get his life together if people keep enabling him. At a certain point, you have to do what is best for yourself. It's not your fault your family is in the situation they are and it's not your responsibility to support them. Go to law school and get your own life on track. Hopefully, in three years, your family will be in a better place to receive your help and you'll be in a better place to give it.

[Anonymous User]

I can't speak to how to handle your relationship with your family. Life is messy, and facile advice like "you parents should be taking care of you, not the other way around" or stuff about "the honorable thing to do" don't help.

As many above have said, talk to a social services person in your community. And talk to the school. Perhaps they can help.

No one on this forum can provide you with anything more than generic advice. And as you already may have noticed, the more you open up here, the more you expose yourself and your family to unproductive and judgmental admonitions.

Good luck.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks might have been overreacting.

I meant talking my dad out of taking the steroids they want to give him in the hospital every few months if they're over 40k and not covered as my dad hasn't made over 40k in many, many years (the doctors suspect the legions emerged as many as fifteen years ago), but my dad never took care of himself so only visited a doctor now, though he became imcreasingly unable to remember anything or take care of himself slowly over this time. This is because it would be irresponsible and sort of selfish for him to spend all his income on injections when my family could not pay rent before the diagnosis.

I am going to research everything, and learn the options available. I say I'm responsible, because I'm the only person over 18 with no addictions in my family.

[dresden doll]

If it were me, I'd inform the school, tell them I appreciate it, maybe some day down the road, but I really do have a duty to my family.


I think that's the honorable thing to do.

It's honorable to keep supporting people who blatantly refuse to help themselves, to the point of compromising your own life?

[apeopleshistory]

.

[xcountryjunkie]

Defer so that you can look into part-time law programs. If you can get into a T10, you can certainly get into GULC's PT program with $$. That way law school is cheaper and you can still send money home.

[Anonymous User]

That would be 2 extra yrs. I think the ability to get big law 2 yrs sooner is more important. I didnt want big law before yesterday, but now i do and im going to get it bec i need to

[sundance95]

Someone correct me if I am wrong, but isn't MS is uncurable and degenerative, and doesn't treatment focus on slowing the disease's progress? If so, I don't see what deferring or waiting to attend law school will do to improve the situation.

I've worked at a civil legal aid center on health care issues, and OP should definitely take the other posters' advice re setting the parents up with a social worker. They are usually very knowledgeable about the programs out there and will work with them to try and get them the help they qualify for.

[Anonymous User]

Someone correct me if I am wrong, but isn't MS is uncurable and degenerative, and doesn't treatment focus on slowing the disease's progress? If so, I don't see what deferring or waiting to attend law school will do to improve the situation.

I've worked at a civil legal aid center on health care issues, and OP should definitely take the other posters' advice re setting the parents up with a social worker. They are usually very knowledgeable about the programs out there and will work with them to try and get them the help they qualify for.

MS anon here again -

Yes, MS is both uncurable and degenerative. Treatment focuses on two things: (1) slowing or stopping the progression of the disease, and (2) remedying any current disability. You're right; deferring or waiting to attend law school won't have impact on either of those things, aside from possibly impacting how they get paid for.