NEW PS CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM NEEDED Forum

[pburnside]

Anxious to get off that flight I accidentally knocked over the flight attendant. It was the longest four hour flight from Atlanta to Arizona. I received a call from my oldest brother the day before about our mother passing out at work. An ambulance was called and when she arrived at the hospital, doctors informed my brother she had a very low blood cell-count and needed a blood transfusion and a partial hysterectomy. I couldn't even recall a time when I saw my mother sick with the flu so I was mortified at the thought of her being in the hospital for something as serious as a blood transfusion and undergoing a hysterectomy.

It had been two years since I had been back to Arizona after relocating to Atlanta my sophomore year in high school and I was now a freshman at Spelman College. When I arrived at the hospital, frantic and worried, it was to my surprise that my mother looked very subtle lying in that hospital bed. It was at that moment that I realized that even a blood transfusion and hysterectomy could not discourage my mother, she was a fighter. Having had five children, she had no choice but to be strong in every aspect and I admired her bravery. It was her steadfast devotion and perseverance throughout my upbringing that inspired me to pursue my dream of a career in law.
Pierce & Associates, located in downtown Chicago was the #1 Law firm for Foreclosure in Illinois. I was offered a position with the firm just one week after finishing my undergraduate career. Nervous, yet excited to work at such a prestigious firm, I knew that with focus and determination I would excel. In the first two weeks I updated, revised, and submitted over 1000 affidavits for two of the firm’s biggest clients, JP Morgan Chase Bank, N.A. and Wells Fargo Bank, N.A. After two months, I was not only efficiently meeting deadlines for my clients but also assisting other clerks with their clients.

I have always been a hard worker and a team player with a bit of a competitive side. I never doubt myself because I know I am capable of accomplishing anything if I put my mind to it. After five months at Pierce & Associates and a Company downsizing and four month of a diligent job search, I landed a store management position with Jewels Grocery store. Call me crazy, but after some thought, I declined the offer. I knew that if I had taken a demanding position so far removed from the law profession, I probably would not be writing this essay today. Law school was my goal, law is my passion and with my eye on the prize, I made a faithful decision to push ahead.

I decided I would move back to Arizona with my immediate family and prepare myself for Law school. Moving back to Arizona showed me that sacrifice is needed in order to success and longevity. I had to think about the ultimate goal in making that decision, and that was law school; do what I have to do in order to do what I’m truly passionate about.

As a Chicago native and lover of sports, I’ve wanted to attend to Chicago Kent College of Law for some time. Chicago Kent is one of the few schools in the mid-west which offers Sports Entertainment Law. Having three brothers, I was molded into a sports fan at a young age. I love sports and hope to someday own part of a sports team maybe even the Black Hawks or White Sox. Studying Sports Entertainment Law at Chicago Kent College would afford me the chance to combine two of my greatest passions. As a graduate of one of the most prestigious liberal arts colleges in the country, I am a well-rounded, dedicated, resilient individual and I know I would be an asset to this Institution. I believe if I work hard enough and remain diligent, Law school is only the beginning for me. My mother will see that her teachings of perseverance through ambition will not be returned void.

[oshberg28]

This is much better than your previous version. I don't think this PS will help you much, but it certainly won't hurt.

[pburnside]

This is much better than your previous version. I don't think this PS will help you much, but it certainly won't hurt.

Ok so what do you think I should do to help it. What about the statement isn't helpful?

[Ambi-Turner]

Blackhawks is one word, don't say "call me crazy," and don't capitalize the "law" in law school. Also, the transition from your mother in the hospital to the firm in Chicago is very abrupt. I also don't think subtle is the right word to use describing your mother in the hospital (how would one look subtle anyway?)...unfortunately, I'm not sure what you're trying to convey in that sentence, so I can't offer you a different word. Were you trying to say that the procedure didn't effect her positive attitude/strength?

This is a good start, but needs a lot of work.

[oshberg28]

When I say that this PS won't "help you", I mean none of the Admissions folks who read this will be more inclined to admit you because of it. However, they also won't be more inclined to reject you either. Don't worry, the vast majority of PS statements fall into this category, ie, it won't make much of a difference, if any, in the Admissions decision.

[thevuch]

the vast majority of PS statements fall into this category, ie, it won't make much of a difference, if any, in the Admissions decision.

why do you think this is true?

[oshberg28]

the vast majority of PS statements fall into this category, ie, it won't make much of a difference, if any, in the Admissions decision.

why do you think this is true?

Unless you have a really compelling story, which I'm willing to bet 90% of applicants do not, then a PS can only hurt you rather than help you. As long as the writing is coherent, there are little to no grammatical errors, and there is a theme to the PS, then it won't hurt an applicant. LSAT+GPA are obviously the main factors. In order for a PS to make any positive difference in an Adcomm's decision, there must be something pretty darn interesting/unique about the PS. Remember, they read thousands of these...unless something really catches their eye (negatively or positively), they aren't going to put much stock into it. This is all my opinion, however - I could be wrong.

[MistakenGenius]

Post removed.

[wealtheow]

this is fine, although i would not use the word mortified to describe how you felt when you discovered your mom was in the hospital (i mean, unless you actually were embarrassed by it)

[Big Dog]

with all due respect, emergency hysterectomies are rather common, and my initial reaction was that you are over-dramatizing for effect. My guess is that adcoms may feel the same.

It was her steadfast devotion and perseverance throughout my upbringing that inspired me to pursue my dream of a career in law.

Huh? This 'connection' makes little sense to me.

"undergraduate career?

Just a quick read through, as adcoms will do, and I found it hard to follow. Atlanta to AZ to ChiTown....

I have always been a hard worker and a team player with a bit of a competitive side. I never doubt myself because I know I am capable of accomplishing anything if I put my mind to it.

Show, not tell (brag).

[BillPackets]

Reads a little cover letter-ish. And in line with other commenters, the jumps you make (your mother's hard work, in a general sense, inspiring you to attend law school) seem tenuous at best.

[rutgers17]

with all due respect, emergency hysterectomies are rather common, and my initial reaction was that you are over-dramatizing for effect. My guess is that adcoms may feel the same.

It was her steadfast devotion and perseverance throughout my upbringing that inspired me to pursue my dream of a career in law.

Huh? This 'connection' makes little sense to me.

"undergraduate career?

Just a quick read through, as adcoms will do, and I found it hard to follow. Atlanta to AZ to ChiTown....

I have always been a hard worker and a team player with a bit of a competitive side. I never doubt myself because I know I am capable of accomplishing anything if I put my mind to it.

Show, not tell (brag).

+1

I found this hard to follow and I think the connections are weak. Also, you don't learn very much about you in this PS at all. We learn more about your mom than you, which I don't think you want. It comes off a little bit like you're bragging throughout (not just with what Big Dog said, but I also think the law firm part comes off that way too). I don't learn anything substantial about you from this that I don't already know from your resume. If it were me, I would focus on one thing that I was passionate about and could tell a good story about and write about that. I think this jumps around too much to be very meaningful. I agree with the suggestions a lot of the other posters made and there are also some grammatical stuff (i.e. you use the passive voice a fair amount throughout) that should be fixed before submitting. Good luck!

[Mauve.Dino]

You use the phrase "blood transfusion and a hysterectomy" like three times in two sentences. Can you reword that to something like, "medical procedures," perhaps? It's just a bit repetative.

[McAvoy]

Anxious to get off that flight I accidentally knocked over the flight attendant.

I'd add a comma after the first "flight."

It was the longest four hour flight from Atlanta to Arizona.

This seems out of place and strange.

When I arrived at the hospital, frantic and worried, it was to my surprise that my mother looked very subtle lying in that hospital bed.

How does one look "subtle." I suppose it kind of, sort of works, but it's a strange word choice.

It was at that moment that I realized that even a blood transfusion and hysterectomy could not discourage my mother, she was a fighter. Having had five children, she had no choice but to be strong in every aspect and I admired her bravery. It was her steadfast devotion and perseverance throughout my upbringing that inspired me to pursue my dream of a career in law.

There is a pretty big leap in logic here. Your mother was "strong in every aspect," had an emergency hysterectomy, and now you want to be a lawyer?

Also, after "could not discourage my mother," you want either a colon, semicolon or dash, not a comma.

Pierce & Associates, located in downtown Chicago was the #1 Law firm for Foreclosure in Illinois. I was offered a position with the firm just one week after finishing my undergraduate career. Nervous, yet excited to work at such a prestigious firm, I knew that with focus and determination I would excel. In the first two weeks I updated, revised, and submitted over 1000 affidavits for two of the firm’s biggest clients, JP Morgan Chase Bank, N.A. and Wells Fargo Bank, N.A. After two months, I was not only efficiently meeting deadlines for my clients but also assisting other clerks with their clients.

I have always been a hard worker and a team player with a bit of a competitive side. I never doubt myself because I know I am capable of accomplishing anything if I put my mind to it. After five months at Pierce & Associates and a Company downsizing and four month of a diligent job search, I landed a store management position with Jewels Grocery store. Call me crazy, but after some thought, I declined the offer. I knew that if I had taken a demanding position so far removed from the law profession, I probably would not be writing this essay today. Law school was my goal, law is my passion and with my eye on the prize, I made a faithful decision to push ahead.

More leaps in logic. You finally start to mention that you want to be a lawyer, then you don't elaborate and talk about some job (then losing that job right away)? Why do these two paragraphs make you a more compelling admit, and how do they let your charisma and personality shine through?

I decided I would move back to Arizona with my immediate family and prepare myself for Law school. Moving back to Arizona showed me that sacrifice is needed in order to success and longevity. I had to think about the ultimate goal in making that decision, and that was law school; do what I have to do in order to do what I’m truly passionate about.

I don't get this, either. How does turning down a job and moving to Arizona better prepare you for law school? How are you preparing for law school? If it's anything other than studying for the LSAT, why are you do doing that, and if it is the LSAT, the adcomms will not be impressed that you decided not to work to study for the same test everyone else has to take -- that is not a sacrifice.

I don't know, sir, I think you need to start from square one with a clearer focus in mind. None of this makes much sense to me. You need to pick one overriding topic that allows your personality and experiences to shine through. Maybe talk about losing your job after five months? That has potential (not trying to be a jerk, that's a compelling topic).

Good luck!

[TheSpanishMain]

I found this hard to follow and I think the connections are weak.

+1. This is definitely better than your last draft, but it still needs work in my opinion. In some places, you're really hitting the reader over the head ("I am very dedicated and hardworking, etc) and in others your logic is really hard to follow. You go from your mother being hospitalized to moving to working at a law firm and there's no real coherent theme connecting all of the pieces. The tone is a little strange, too. In the beginning it sounds like you're trying to construct a little vignette about seeing your mother in the hospital, since you include all these little details about almost barreling over the flight attendant, the flight seeming long, and the call from your brother....then you abruptly zoom out to an overview of what you've done for the last several years. It just doesn't seem consistent.

All that said, keep at it...like I said, you're moving in the right direction.