Please critique my addendum Forum

[bjf]

...

[shock259]

You haven't really said anything. Everyone has personal issues. You are going to have to be more forthcoming.

[Gamecubesupreme]

You haven't really said anything. Everyone has personal issues. You are going to have to be more forthcoming.

That and you didn't even elaborate on what the issues are or whether you actually fulfilled your obligations.

[bjf]

Thank you very much for your replies. I changed it a bit. Is this any better?

"During the Fall Semester of 2004, I had many realizations about my past. I was always one to move forward and not look back on the emotional times of my life, but staying in the present during that time was difficult for me. I moved back to New York and went to counseling to face feelings I had regarding my parents divorce and my Father’s passing. Although I should have withdrawn from the entire semester, I remained enrolled in two classes. I received a “Satisfactory” in one class and a poor grade in the other class, which placed me on academic probation. I stayed in New York the following semester and continued with counseling until I felt I was ready to return to school. I returned to XXX in Fall 2005 with a new major and a fresh start. I continued with my studies until graduation without further interruption and performed closer to my academic potential."

[ConsideringLawSchool]

Thank you very much for your replies. I changed it a bit. Is this any better?

"During the Fall Semester of 2004, I had many realizations about my past. I was always one to move forward and not look back on the emotional times of my life, but staying in the present during that time was difficult for me. I moved back to New York and went to counseling to face feelings I had regarding my parents divorce and my Father’s passing. Although I should have withdrawn from the entire semester, I remained enrolled in two classes. I received a “Satisfactory” in one class and a poor grade in the other class, which placed me on academic probation. I stayed in New York the following semester and continued with counseling until I felt I was ready to return to school. I returned to XXX in Fall 2005 with a new major and a fresh start. I continued with my studies until graduation without further interruption and performed closer to my academic potential."

I'm not a fan of the sentence "I was always one to move forward..." Instead, I would say something like "Following the divorce of my parents and my father's subsequent passing, I attempted to continue my college experience uninterrupted. during the fall semester of 2004, these events left me feeling overwhelmed and struggling in school." Then continue with the part about the classes and the counseling. I think that your final sentence can be stronger.

[MTC87]

Thank you very much for your replies. I changed it a bit. Is this any better?

"During the Fall Semester of 2004, I had many realizations about my past. I was always one to move forward and not look back on the emotional times of my life, but staying in the present during that time was difficult for me. I moved back to New York and went to counseling to face feelings I had regarding my parents divorce and my Father’s passing. Although I should have withdrawn from the entire semester, I remained enrolled in two classes. I received a “Satisfactory” in one class and a poor grade in the other class, which placed me on academic probation. I stayed in New York the following semester and continued with counseling until I felt I was ready to return to school. I returned to XXX in Fall 2005 with a new major and a fresh start. I continued with my studies until graduation without further interruption and performed closer to my academic potential."

i would dispense with the introductory bit and move as directly as possible to describing the personal circumstances that affected your academic performance.

belated condolences for your loss

[bjf]

Thank you MTC87.

I'm hesitant to make this sound like it happened right before or during the Fall semester, because it didn't. These were things that happened in my past that I always pushed out of my mind. Except one day I couldn't do it anymore and essentially had a breakdown.

Would it be better to start off like this?

"The Fall Semester of 2004 was a difficult time for me. I moved back to New York and went to counseling to face feelings I had regarding my parents divorce and my Father’s passing."

[bjf]

Anyone? Not trying to be annoying, just want to get this out.

Thanks to everyone who answered so far.