help edit my personal statement

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Anonymous User
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help edit my personal statement

Post by Anonymous User » Thu May 28, 2020 2:00 pm

We lived in a 1-bedroom apartment. It was my sister, my brother, my mom and dad, and I. I lived in that apartment for 14 years. I learned to do things on my own, my first steps, first word, first day of pre-k, kindergarten, elementary... and so on, in that apartment. My mother fell ill in this home. We quickly moved out of the house when we received a summons of eviction. I came home from middle school and my father sat me down to explain “put all your clothes in a garbage.” I didn’t understand why but I did what he said. We moved into another home a couple of weeks later. I lived there for three years and then we moved again. New beginnings but a hurdle for me. I would have to now take two buses to get to school and wake up two hours earlier. I did not have the privilege of having my mother dropping my siblings and I to school anymore. We fell off track, and the bank had taken away our only car that we had due to missed payments. Who was I to complain about something this small? My mother fell into bed rest for two years in this third house of ours. My father, a taxi driver woke up 4am every morning to go to work, come back in time to pick me up from school at 2pm. Pick up Roti’s from Main Street so my mom won’t have to get up and cook and come home. I’d come home, not to my mother greeting me but my mother’s voice in pain. We lived the bare minimum, paycheck to paycheck. We barely made rent payments on time, but the happiness of my parents faces when we would sit down on the table to eat was more expensive than the rent. Quickly I told myself “K****, it’s time to grow up.” My oldest sister K****shielded me from the sorrows of my parents’ lives. I wanted to grow up and take things into my own hands. I did just that. My mother not being able to do the things a mother would do for a child at the age of 16 impacted me the most. I never blamed her for it. I was a young teen going through changes in my life where I needed my mother the most. My mother figure was now my oldest sister.
A couple of months later, we decided to go for therapy. Therapy was in Main Street, Flushing. We lived in Briarwood at the time. My mother and I took buses to get to where we needed. I was the only one home at the time, my sister and brother were both working along with my father to provide for the home. Although I wanted to say, “No mom, I can't I have homework.” This is where the adult in me came in and said, “Ok mom, I will do my homework as soon as I come home” Which was at 10pm. No one could have heard my mom screaming and crying the way she was. People had told us the back-disc surgery is 50-50 chance. You can either get better or you can get worse. My parents decided to take the risk. Alhamdulillah (All praise is due to Allah) my mother was the 50% of people who got better. No more injections, no more therapy, no more screaming and crying of pain. The only thought in my head was, ‘I have mom back’
I thank god every day for this lifetime experience because it has shaped me into the young female I am. Giving back and never asking for anything back is what I learned. Being grateful for whatever or however much I have. A roof over our heads, food on the table, education available to me was the most expensive things in reality, not the rent, or the new jeans I wanted, the new backpack, the new book. My friends always came in with the newest clothes, the newest nails, new hairstyles. I wished to myself that I had that. Today, I look at other Pakistani families, and my friends who are struggling and ask them “Can I offer you my help in anyway?” I might not be the richest person alive, but my help can be the richest and valuable thing I have to offer. I developed that I want to help people, I want to change the world. I want to see leaders who struggled to make it to the top not the ones who are hand given everything. I took matters into my owns hand and started studying every night while the painful voice of my mother was silent for only a couple of hours. Those couple of hours were the quietest and the only time I could’ve focused. I adjusted to making it to school 10-15 mins early each day even if my commute was longer than the rest of the kids. Today my parents look at me and say “K****, you grew up so quick and ambitious, you will help so many people in your lives, remain focused” and I reply to them with this only “These are just the beginning steps of changing the world and making it a better place mom and dad.” Law school is the place where I will be able to purse my characteristics, traits, and diligent goals, for my family, myself, and the ones who are in need around me, making the world a better and happier place one step at a time.

decimalsanddollars

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Re: help edit my personal statement

Post by decimalsanddollars » Thu May 28, 2020 3:01 pm

Sorry in advance if this is too critical, but it looks like you have some significant changes to make.

Needs lots of work on mechanics, voicing, etc. Some sentences are put together well, but most of the long sentences are confusing and poorly structured. There are several incomplete sentences throughout, and your use of commas is a bit confusing---sometimes it should be a colon, semicolon, or the start of a new sentence. You misuse the word "expensive" at least twice ("valuable" may be a good substitute).

As to the content, you don't really mention your personal strengths or characteristics until the last paragraph, focusing instead on circumstances of your upbringing. You don't do a good job of connecting the individual circumstances you faced to your strengths as an applicant/law student/future lawyer. In fact, you don't mention law school until the last sentence. I would invest some time thinking about why you want to go to law school, and just write about that. If you can weave in personal experiences, that's great, but it shouldn't be your whole statement.

Anonymous User
Posts: 359174
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: help edit my personal statement

Post by Anonymous User » Thu May 28, 2020 3:13 pm

ofcourse it needs work this was just a draft and the main idea.
Is the experience hindering over my strengthens and why I want to go to law school? should the topic be changed?
decimalsanddollars wrote:
Thu May 28, 2020 3:01 pm
Sorry in advance if this is too critical, but it looks like you have some significant changes to make.

Needs lots of work on mechanics, voicing, etc. Some sentences are put together well, but most of the long sentences are confusing and poorly structured. There are several incomplete sentences throughout, and your use of commas is a bit confusing---sometimes it should be a colon, semicolon, or the start of a new sentence. You misuse the word "expensive" at least twice ("valuable" may be a good substitute).

As to the content, you don't really mention your personal strengths or characteristics until the last paragraph, focusing instead on circumstances of your upbringing. You don't do a good job of connecting the individual circumstances you faced to your strengths as an applicant/law student/future lawyer. In fact, you don't mention law school until the last sentence. I would invest some time thinking about why you want to go to law school, and just write about that. If you can weave in personal experiences, that's great, but it shouldn't be your whole statement.

decimalsanddollars

Bronze
Posts: 415
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2019 6:26 pm

Re: help edit my personal statement

Post by decimalsanddollars » Thu May 28, 2020 3:21 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
Thu May 28, 2020 3:13 pm
ofcourse it needs work this was just a draft and the main idea.
Is the experience hindering over my strengthens and why I want to go to law school? should the topic be changed?
You don't necessarily need to throw it out and start over; that's not what I'm saying. I was suggesting that you add more context about why you want to go to law school, and make sure you communicate that clearly. Here, it took a few reads for me to figure out that you want to go to law school to help people. Talk more about that! Maybe mention some times that you've helped people, especially if you can explain that your past experience enabled you to help someone. Explain why your desire to help people made you want to go to law school. Make sure to highlight your strengths throughout your story, to the extent you can.

Anonymous User
Posts: 359174
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: help edit my personal statement

Post by Anonymous User » Thu May 28, 2020 3:28 pm

Sounds great to me! Will make some adjustments. Thank you for the feedback :D
decimalsanddollars wrote:
Thu May 28, 2020 3:21 pm
Anonymous User wrote:
Thu May 28, 2020 3:13 pm
ofcourse it needs work this was just a draft and the main idea.
Is the experience hindering over my strengthens and why I want to go to law school? should the topic be changed?
You don't necessarily need to throw it out and start over; that's not what I'm saying. I was suggesting that you add more context about why you want to go to law school, and make sure you communicate that clearly. Here, it took a few reads for me to figure out that you want to go to law school to help people. Talk more about that! Maybe mention some times that you've helped people, especially if you can explain that your past experience enabled you to help someone. Explain why your desire to help people made you want to go to law school. Make sure to highlight your strengths throughout your story, to the extent you can.

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cavalier1138

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Re: help edit my personal statement

Post by cavalier1138 » Fri May 29, 2020 11:29 am

Anonymous User wrote:
Thu May 28, 2020 3:13 pm
ofcourse it needs work this was just a draft and the main idea.
Draft or not, you need to work on your writing. Almost every sentence has some kind of error in it, and if it's at all representative of your writing style, you need to work on that more generally (i.e. not just getting help editing this statement).

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