Help me out please!!!! Forum

[frankmb3]

Please give me some thoughts/feedback and critique on my PS.
Thanks in advance

Growing up in San Antonio I believed there were only a few options for a young black kid like myself. At that time, I was not a serious student because I was involved in the street life surrounded by drugs and violence. It was not until my brother fell victim to one of the notorious criminal gangs in my neighborhood that I opted to take my studies seriously. My passion for law stems from my curiosity in criminal justice system, specifically its perception of young minority men that have a limited amount of options when faced with challenges that in many circumstances seem insurmountable. As I experienced and encountered these issues, I decided I did not want to just be a part of society, I want to change society. As I continued to ask questions and find answers, I developed a passion for education.
For me, deciding to go to college was a financial and social challenge. I did not have the opportunity to attend college with financial assistance and I did not have the benefit of advice from family members. After I was blessed to receive my undergraduate degree from Prairie View A&M university with a major in Criminal Justice. I took some time to reflect on past educational experience, I knew that I needed more to answer these challenging questions I could not answer as a youth. This led me to pursue my Masters degree while working full time. Furthermore, I realized from experiences in a number of organizations while in college that I have a passion and a set of skills that would make a career in law a perfect choice.
During my time at Prairie View, I was the President of the Criminal Justice Club and was selected as a university representative for the College of Juvenile Justice and Psychology. Alternatively, my love to serve others spearheaded my involvement in a number of volunteer and community service project such as Unchanging Hands, and organization dedicated to helping and tending to the needs of homeless individuals. While I participated in these activities, I still focused on developing my skills as a student and exceling in the classroom. Thus, I have great expectations that given a chance in law school, I will extend the same spirit of academic achievement and serving others as I pursue my career.
My first contact with a number of professional lawyers at the Southwestern Association of Criminal Justice Conference in Oklahoma City was an unforgettable experience. I was blessed with an opportunity to present my own research topic in front of more than one hundred members. This allowed me to build confidence in public speaking, a skill that is essential for a lawyer whether or not they are in a courtroom or a boardroom. My passion for becoming a lawyer increased tremendously during this conference. I was amazed at the high level of hospitality from senior lawyers who had attended the conference. As a result, I realized the need for me too to balance my social skills with great technical knowledge.
Having several fieldwork experiences working as a Student Associate to becoming a supervisor at the Brazos County Juvenile Detention Center, I have the capability and proficiency to excel in a career in law. Most importantly, working as a supervisor in a Juvenile Detention Center gave me a unique perspective on the criminal justice system and criminal law as a whole. Being able to understand the full spectrum of education, economics, and professional challenges young people like myself faced will only allow me to begin to solve many of the issues I encountered as a young kid in San Antonio.
I expect to be a valuable addition to the (Insert School) College of Law. As a student at (Insert School), I plan to take advantage of every opportunity that the College of Law offers and know that my commitment to academic excellence will only become more pronounced as a law student. I am well prepared to be an involved and committed student, a strong and sensitive leader, and an individual with a great desire to have a positive impact on society.

[syd2030]

I think it's great, but could use some language streamlining.
Eg. "My passion for law stems from my curiosity in the criminal justice system, specifically its perception of young minority men with limited options who are faced with challenges that may seem insurmountable."