New Personal Statement! Forum

[lawschoolhopeful98]

Hey everyone! I wrote a new personal statement based on a different experience and was wondering if you could take a look. I want you to be brutally honest! Also if you see my recent post, could you tell me which statement is better or which would hit harder when looking at my application. Thank you!!






A sunny Friday morning and talking to my mom was already the highlight of my day. We had put on our make-up, sipped coffee, and went over what we were going to do for the day. She had gone to the car to grab her folder and make a phone call to my uncle. Twenty minutes had gone by when I decided to look outside to see where she was. When I finally got up and looked out the window, I saw my mom slowly getting out the car and what looked like a black, unmarked police car that had pulled up in front of her. They talked for less than a minute and next thing I knew they were walking together towards the gate. When I saw them head closer, I ran to the front of the house to see what was going on. The second I made it to the front door, I was met by my mom and two police officers.
My mom had pulled me outside so she could explain what was going on away from my sister. I was trying to listen to everything that was going on, but my crying was almost uncontrollable. I knew I had to get it together quickly so I could figure out how to help her. She told me the jail they were going to take her to, what number to call, and the name of the police officers in case I needed to know more about her case. She told me to call my grandparents to come back to the house so we could get everything straightened out. As the police officers began to speak, I looked the tear-filled eyes and confusion. They said its time to go and let her come inside and change. Before I could gather my thoughts, they were already in the car and headed to the station.
Within 10 minutes, I had called my grandparents, finished updating my uncle on what was going on and had gotten my sister ready to go. We went to the jail and waited for my mom to call. When I answered the unknown number, she told me what they were charging her with and what her bail was set at. I turned around, told my grandparents, and they suggested we wait until Monday to pay it. When I heard this, I knew I had to take the lead because they wanted her to sit in jail throughout the weekend. I knew that if I wanted her to come home by the end of the day, I had to go and make all the calls and arrangements. This was a turning point in my life seeing that at 18, I was responsible for bailing out my mother and making sure my sister was okay and taken care of. I was able to find a bondsman, explain our case, and get her out by the end of the night. When she got home, we sat in the car and figured out a plan for what we were going to do.
As the year went on, my mom had to show up in court for her case, and because she couldn't afford a better attorney, she had received a public defender. Her first one didn't handle her case correctly, they had urged her to take the plea deal which would ensure her at least 3 years in jail. When she was assigned to another public defender, they had taken the necessary time to look through her case. When my mom had shown me the information about her case, we realized that they had made a mistake regarding the calculations. This was when I knew I wanted to be a lawyer. I knew that when I have clients like my mother, I won't urge them to take a deal that would keep them away from their kids without thoroughly looking through the facts of the case. I knew that I wanted to fight, advocate for others, and research like the second public defender did. I wanted to be better for my clients and give them a second chance in life.
2017 was a year of reflection and proving to myself that I had to do more and be more. I knew that it was up to me to not only help my family but that it is up to me how my future turns out. When thinking about my mother and her case, I know I want to be a public defender. I could see myself making a significant impact through public interest law, and I feel this area of law will allow me to participate in a subject matter I am passionate about and have a personal tie to. I know that when I enter the doors of law school, I will tackle it in strides and I will make sure that when I leave those very doors, I will be advocating and making a change in my community.

[cavalier1138]

I think it's a good subject, but it needs a lot of work.

-If this isn't your first draft, you need to work on your writing. There are a ton of grammatical errors, and the syntax is weird throughout. The PS isn't a writing exam, but the adcomms will notice bad writing.

-Feel free to be more open and vulnerable. You're describing a traumatic situation, and a lot of this is skimming the surface of what you were going through. Don't be afraid to show that and go into more specific detail.

-On that note: show, don't tell. Don't tell us things like "this was a turning point." Show us what was happening through your story, and trust us to get there on our own.

-You need to rework everything in the second-to-last paragraph. First, if you ever become a PD, you're going to be a lot more forgiving to the poor, overworked attorney who got handed your mother's case (and if you do get there, you will absolutely be pleading out most of your cases). More importantly, bitching about an attorney's perceived incompetence before you've even set foot in law school is a bad look. Talk about your experience with the system, but don't make it about how bad you thought your mom's public defender was.

[nixy]

Yeah, frankly, most PDs are better than most private criminal defense attorneys anyway. So I would absolutely not say because your mom couldn't afford a "better" lawyer (you can say "couldn't afford a private lawyer" if you want to make that point). And it's not clear what happened - you figured out there was a mistake in the calculations, but the second PD took the necessary time to look through the case. So did you figure out something or did the second PD figure out something or how did that work? Because it's a little bit like both you and the second PD saved the day, and it's not clear whether the second PD figured out issues with the case itself or whether the issue was with calculating the sentence (i.e. did the PD courageously get your mom set free, or just end up with a better resolution? either is totally great for this PS, I just felt unclear about which was happening).

I also understand you not wanting to go into more details about whatever the offense was, but I feel like this is slightly odd combo of really detailed/intimate and lacking certain context. Mostly because although you don't go into it at all, I come away with the feeling this isn't the first time your mom had encounters with the police? I mean no disrespect by that and could be completely wrong, it's just an impression I get. The only reason I mention it is that the beginning is so detailed, I think it leaves the reader wanting a little more info? I don't have great suggestions for how to address that, it's just a reaction I had.