Roast my PS please Forum

[zybhlyz]

Here is my PS about dealing with property management company.
Anything would be appreciated.

It was a late night after a 4-hour drive. We finally arrived home and everyone was exhausted. There was a car parked in front of the garage blocking the driveway. I was displeased with the person to whom the car belongs. I suggested to have the car towed since a person without others in mind deserves such a consequence. The parking space in the neighborhood is limited. However, the owner does not have the right to block our driveway. The irresponsible owner was not the only person who should be blamed in this situation, but also the property management company whose duty is to take care of the neighborhood since we paid for it.
A week before this happened, the local government had required all the apartments to have the illegally posted advertisements removed from the walls. Despite its responsibility, initially the property company only noticed homeowners to clean those posters. Even though most homeowners declined, no one had voluntarily stood out and criticized the company's irresponsibility. It was the company's contract to maintain the neighborhood well managed in accordance to local laws. This incident also revealed a more serious problem. The company had never properly fulfilled their contract duty, since if they do, those postings would not be there in the first place.
I called the police to tow the car blocking my garage and asked the property company to come to explain what happened. The manager didn't answer my question and kept explaining that it had happened so many times, that the company could not monitor the neighborhood 24-hours. The whole neighborhood is meant to be a gated community and no one could enter without asking a homeowner first. If the similar situations had happened so many times, how could the company claim it fulfills its duty according to its contract? I stopped the conversation with the manager and realized that if we keep ignoring such things, they would definitely happen again and even worse.
A day after the incident, I carefully read through the contract we signed with the company and relevant laws of property management. I found that the owners' committee has the legal right to void the contract and fire the property management company. After talking with a few other homeowners, I discovered that in the committee, there was someone who had an untold relation with the company and that is why it was able to be a contractor at the first place. It was also indicated in the relevant local laws that if there are more than 60% of the homeowners voting against the current committee, it will be disbanded and a re-election will be held. The next meeting of the committee would be held at the end of this month, so I did not have sufficient time to collect the required 60% vote. However, I decided to give it a try. I talked with some owners and found out that surprisingly, many of them, though upset about the situation, did not have a clue about how to deal with it. Therefore, I informed them about my plan and asked for their support.
In the homeowners’ meeting, I submitted a proposal to re-elect the owners’ committee. More than 90% of the homeowners were in favor of my plan and voted for it. What surprised me most was that I was even re-elected as a member of the homeowners’ committee.
In the meeting with the property management company as a newly elected representative of the homeowners, I had our complaints against the company and the evidence of their irresponsibility clearly stated. Despite my willingness to negotiate and allow the company to re-do their job, its manager refused to admit that they had breached the contract. At the end of this meeting, the other homeowner’s committee members and I agreed to fire the company and hire another company, which would be required to do a more satisfying job in keeping the neighborhood safe and clean.
This experience is not only a lesson to the company which breaches its contract, but also a lesson to me. I realized if there is something wrong has been done and people say nothing of it, it is usually not the case that they are not willing to change the situation but often they do not know how to solve the problem. If there is someone willing to help, to provide such information and other necessary means, people’s rights will be better respected. This is why I want to go to law school to help more people to defend their legal rights.

[acr]

A thorough roasting is in order, so be prepared.

Your biggest problem is that you've completely missed the entire point of what a personal statement should accomplish. A PS should first and foremost clearly and convincingly demonstrate to the reader why you want to pursue a legal education, while simultaneously providing an insight into unique characteristics about yourself and displaying your writing skills.

A quality PS can be a narrative (as you've structured yours) or a more philosophical argument, or a combination of the two, but either form must satisfy the key points mentioned above. Your PS fails on all levels and I think you should completely scrap this for a new idea/direction.

First, the PS did not sufficiently communicate to me the reasons why you want to go to law school and get a JD. You have a pretty boring story about a contract dispute with a property management company then finally get to what should be the heart and soul of the PS in the final sentence: "This is why I want to go to law school to help more people defend their legal rights."

Sorry, that's not very convincing and way too vague, and in addition to overhauling this PS I would also encourage you to reflect on the real, deep reasons you want to attend law school. If you can come up with a better reason than "helping others," a PS with more heart might come to you more naturally.

Second, this PS does not provide any unique insights into your personality, characteristics, or motivations. Like I said, the PS should show the reader something about you. People often forget about the first word in "Personal Statement" - Personal. From reading your PS, the reader doesn't learn a single thing about you other than the fact that you were willing to solve a problem with your property management company. This doesn't make you special or unique in any way that would interest someone that knows nothing about you.

Part of this is a problem with your PS' tone. Your writing comes across as bland and lacking motivation/energy. Don't use sentences like "I was displeased with the person to whom the car belongs." Normal people don't talk like this, and writing in an unnecessary style like this injects an overly formal tone into your story and distances the reader. So, write professionally, but write like a normal person.

Finally, this piece is not polished or professional. There's a grammar error as early as your third sentence. This should be one of the most polished, professional, error-free pieces of writing you compose in your life. There are countless examples of sentences that are worded strangely, confusingly, or are flat out grammatically incorrect, and there are confusing tense shifts in many places.

So, sorry to be harsh, but I recommend scrapping this idea and starting over. Sometimes there's a way to make a good PS out of what's already been written, using the same idea, but I'm thinking about it and just can't come up with a way to turn this dispute with your property management company into a compelling PS.

[cavalier1138]

I usually try to find something to work with in these drafts, but all of this is just bad. It's a horrible topic that makes you sound like the world's worst tenant.

I assume English isn't your first language, so I won't go into detail on the grammar/vocabulary. But you need to be much more vigilant about editing and/or work on your English writing between now and your next draft.

[AnthonyT]

I would agree with trying to choose another topic.