Dropouts personal statement 1st draft

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Joined: Sun Feb 25, 2018 3:21 am

Dropouts personal statement 1st draft

Post by dropout » Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:41 pm

The opportunity to study at desired Law School would help me fulfill many of my goals. I have wanted to be an attorney since I was a child. During this time my desire to complete law school and become an attorney has remained strong. The practice of law represents excellence to me and I have always strived for excellence in my life. No field captures my interest more than law and I believe I am gifted with the tools needed to think like a lawyer.
My earlier law studies were unsuccessful because I had severe symptoms from untreated (mental illness). I was in denial about my limitations at the time which caused me to enter programs which I was unable to devote the needed time towards. This experience helped me grow as a professional and taught me to ensure self-preparedness before accepting new responsibilities. Despite my struggles during law school I believe that I can succeed in my studies. I am now able to devote the time needed for succeeding in law school and working as an attorney because my symptoms are very manageable.
I recently completed an MBA in November of 2018 with a 3.77 GPA. This required me to study for 12 hours a week. Further, I was volunteering at the Rescue Mission of Utica as a tutor for 8 hours a week, and at In Education as a paralegal for 5 hours a week. If I have the opportunity to attend desired Law School I intend to spend even more time a week working towards my educational goals.
My volunteer work for In Education has offered me the chance to apply lessons learned from my MBA program in real business situations. I have found that adding a business perspective to the creation of organizational policies for a non-profit is very helpful. I enjoy laying the foundation for the non-profit as it continues to expand and serve new students. I have played a large role in the legal department at In Education. I have received certificates of excellence for areas ranging from Volunteer of the Quarter to Paralegal Team Projects.
I am interested in business law and I believe that my knowledge from business school will be helpful in this field. I enjoy seeing businesses succeed and I frequently ponder how the business could further thrive. In addition, my MBA could become valuable if I instead pursued my interest in starting a firm focusing on social security claims. This work would be very fulfilling to me because I have received social security and I understand that the review process can be to complex and stressful for applicants. I have personally offered social security claim advice, to my now wife, which resulted in her benefit increasing by $107 a month and a lump sum back payment in excess of $3,000 was also issued. These instances are more frequently occurring than should be expected. A degree from Law School would help me gain the confidence of potential clients. I would greatly enjoy helping claimants ensure that they receive all the benefits for which they are eligible.
Legal work is enjoyable to me because each case has a large impact in the lives of the interested parties. I like that the law is always abstract, yet it is also always applied to a specific situation. I would like to study law so that I can make a bigger difference at work and be better prepared to address a variety of legal matters.
Desired Law School is my law school of choice. This is because Desired Law School has strong employment statistics. Further, I am local to City and unable to attend elsewhere since I am a homeowner. My family also lives in the City area and I intend to practice in the City area. I have visited the law school in the past and I was very impressed with the school’s beautiful campus. I believe that Desired Law School is the best choice for me. If I am accepted into Desired Law School I will definitely attend the law school.


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Joined: Tue Jun 26, 2012 7:06 pm

Re: Dropouts personal statement 1st draft

Post by Scutrules » Wed Jan 23, 2019 4:19 am

IMO, it needs a lot of work. I would focus more on what you learned from having failed your first time around, what it taught you about resilience and perseverance and how you showed personal growth. I would be less interested in the fact that you studied for x hours a week. That is insignificant. I also wouldn't care that you increased one person's social security by 107 dollars. I would focus less on these individual things you accomplished (which may be significant in your life but not in the eyes of a law school) and more on how you grew and learned the system and fought for yourself and for others in similar situations to yours.

I also think you haven't sold your reason for wanting to attend your Desired LS. You want to go there because you bought a house nearby? It just doesn't seem like a good reason for them to want you to be there. Are they amazing in their business law? Do they have ties with an MBA program and maybe a dual degree? Is there something there that will further your goals?

Lastly, the entire essay is very choppy and riddled with punctuation errors. It just doesn't flow well. I feel like I'm reading some stats you typed up for yourself. I'd review for sentence structure and I'd make sure to fix your punctuational errors (e.g. "I have personally offered social security claim advice, to my now wife, which resulted in her benefit increasing..." First comma is incorrect. It also just makes it seem like you only helped because you liked her, not because you were trying to advocate for her.)

Happy to provide additional feedback on another draft if you'd like. Good luck!


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Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2019 3:37 pm

Re: Dropouts personal statement 1st draft

Post by SlipperyKipper » Wed Jan 23, 2019 1:36 pm

Also, you focus on some negative things here that should not be present in your personal statement (mental illness) and may be better mentioned in an addendum. That way, you can touch upon the issue that caused your earlier difficulties in law school then explain how it no longer affects you (if it truly doesn't) and how you have grown. Highlight concrete examples of growth and current ability.

You want your personal statement to remain a largely positive narrative of your abilities, experiences, and goals. I agree with the comment above, there is a lot of work to be done here grammatically and otherwise. There is a lot superfluous information (hours you studied, volunteering, social security claim advice) that can be eliminated. Unless you can tie these things into a personal experience that has affected you, the listing of your volunteer hours, tutoring, and paralegal experience just sounds like you are reiterating your resume which is neither helpful nor compelling in your personal statement unless it is tied to an experience that has made you eager to attend law school. You started to do this in the paragraph that begins "My volunteer work for In Education (sic)." You state that the work has allowed you to opportunity to apply lessons you have learned. What lessons? What is the type of volunteer work? Why is it important to you? How has it stoked your desire to attend law school?

Ultimately, I don't think this personal statement is very personal. I don't feel like I know much about your goals. You tell the reader a lot of things
"No field captures my interest more than law and I believe I am gifted with the tools needed to think like a lawyer." but you do not illustrate the how and why. Why does law capture your interest? What exactly are the skills you have that will allow you to better think like a lawyer? Show us, don't tell us.

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