Why UCI Essay~ Need Critiques!

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Anonymous User
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Why UCI Essay~ Need Critiques!

Post by Anonymous User » Sat Jan 14, 2017 8:38 pm

Hey everyone! I had a lot of trouble writing this up so it would help me a lot if people can critique it. I hope it is not so generic or boring. :(

Prompt: We know that you have many options when applying to law school. Tell us why you are interested in the School of Law at the University of California, Irvine. What do you believe we have to offer you? What will you bring to the School of Law? How would your experiences and perspectives enhance and enrich the quality and breadth of our law school community?

start of essay:

Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Feb 11, 2017 4:41 am, edited 1 time in total.


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Re: Why UCI Essay~ Need Critiques!

Post by DrGlennRichie » Sun Jan 15, 2017 5:23 pm

Not so good

First paragraph

paradox Are you sure you are using the correct meaning of this word?

struggling to decipher Do you really need to emphasize that you were struggling in writing class? Also calling it infamous sounds a bit on undergraduate level.

Humanity Core class and breaking up with my first boyfriend I mean those could be your difficult experiences few years ago, but we really need to move past that at this point in time. And they are not so big to start with even at undergraduate level.

equipped me with tools to fight against injustice What tools? Did you fight injustice? Writing papers doesnt count.

So the first paragraph has nothing to do with why UCI.

Second paragraph

Because of that, It is a dangling modifier as I have no idea what the antecedent is. I cannot point what from first sentence connected you to UCI.

rape survivors and other disadvantaged individuals Sounds kinda bad. Rape survivor is a disadvantaged individual? Something like "victim" would probably fit better.

seems like a great match Going to law school is a match? I would understand you and UCI are a great match. Going to UCI can be a great choice or opportunity.

After that we seem to be on topic why UCI.

international student survivors I know what you mean but probably "survivors who are international students" would be more precise

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