Law School Personal Statement Critique Forum

[ILGentiluomo]

Hello all,

I would really appreciate if you check out my personal statement, and tell me what needs to be improved. This particular one is for Loyola Chicago, and I will be changing the last paragraph for each school. Thank you to all who take the time to read this, please be brutal if you need to.





Prior to attending Loyola University Chicago, my goal was to become a physician. At a young age, my family shockingly learned that my grandfather needed an emergency open heart surgery procedure. I distinctly remember after the surgery, the surgeon walking into the waiting room to my family who were anxiously waiting and telling them that the surgery was successful. Seeing the relief and joy on my families faces is something I will never forget.This is when I thought to myself, I want to be a physician to help others like that physician helped my grandfather. While at community college, I took an introduction to Philosophy class and fell in love with the subject and knew that was what I wanted to major in.
When I got accepted into my dream school, Loyola University Chicago, I was delighted. Attending Loyola was a life altering experience for me. The Jesuit philosophy of commitment to service resonated with me and left a lasting impact. During my last semester at Loyola, I took a Health Care Ethics course which left a lasting impression on me. The course focused on the role of moral reasoning in the healthcare setting. Although what I learned in the class was very valuable to me, it was required outside of the classroom for the course that fueled my passion for health law. The Health Care Ethics course was part of the many engaged learning courses that are offered at Loyola. Engaged learning courses are classes that engage students to learn outside of the classroom, as well as in the classroom. As part of my Health Care Ethics course, I volunteered at Hamdard Center in Chicago, which is a non-profit health and social service agency that provides health care services to the underserved community.
Volunteering at Hamdard was a life changing experience for me. I met many patients who prior going to Hamdard Center, were unable to get proper medical attention due to their economic standing. After graduating from Loyola, I volunteered at California Rural Legal Assistance in Modesto, California. CRLA is a nonprofit legal service program for California’s low-income individuals and communities. While volunteering at CRLA, my passion for helping the underserved community grew stronger. The vast majority of the people who needed assistance from CRLA were immigrants who came to the United States for better opportunity. I saw firsthand how these hard working people were being taken advantage of and mistreated by healthcare professionals, employers, and schools.
After volunteering both at California Rural Legal Experience and Hamdard Center, I knew my passion and calling in life is to represent and fight for the underserved. The underserved need a voice in the healthcare setting. The underserved community deserves the opportunity of good health. To ensure good health, they need quality healthcare, which they are not getting. Since I was a toddler, I have been lucky enough to have yearly check ups with my physician. Some of the underserved don’t have opportunities for check ups, much less yearly check up, so they have to wait until something minor becomes something major in order to get proper treatment, and that alone, takes away their opportunity for a life of good health.
My college grades are not as good as they should have been and I have no excuses. I was immature during my time at Loyola and took for granted the opportunity I was handed. Whenever I would struggle, I would not worry about it and tell myself that I would do better next semester. Maturing up has showed me that there’s not always a next time, and that I did to put my all in everything I do now. My time at Loyola University Chicago is a time I will cherish in my heart forever. Everything about the school from the students, faculty, and administration were wonderful. There is a quote by Saint Francis of Assisi that I read repeatedly read to remind me of my goal. He states, “Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take nothing that you have received,but only what you have given; a full heart enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice, and courage.”
Just as Loyola University Chicago was my dream university to attend. It is also my dream law school to attend. I know firsthand that Loyola is a school that cares for their students and strives for their success. Also, Loyola’s Health Law program is one of the best in the country and I know the education that I receive at Loyola will be second to none and will provide me with more than enough tools to succeed as a future health law attorney.

[ILGentiluomo]

Hoping to submit PS tomorrow with applications, so editing will be done immediately. Once again, thank you all!

[UVA2B]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but nothing about this PS will help your application imo. It's largely a resume dump, which does nothing to improve your overall narrative. On top of that, your grammar needs heavy editing, and syntax seems to be an issue as well. I chose not to edit it (seriously not trying to be mean here) because the underlying story isn't a strong representation.

To the extent the PS matters, this will not help you. If your numbers are good enough, it largely won't matter, but I would personally scrap this entire PS as it shows me nothing about you I couldn't learn in reading the rest of your app.

[Mr. Archer]

You'll need to rewrite the PS because of broad issues (there is also room to improve the writing in general). There's just a lot that has to be cut out or changed significantly. There are comments on the main problems below. A health law/service PS could work but don't just provide a narrative resume'.

Prior to attending Loyola University Chicago, my goal was to become a physician. At a young age, my family shockingly learned that my grandfather needed an emergency open heart surgery procedure. I distinctly remember after the surgery, the surgeon walking into the waiting room to my family who were anxiously waiting and telling them that the surgery was successful. Seeing the relief and joy on my families faces is something I will never forget.This is when I thought to myself, I want to be a physician to help others like that physician helped my grandfather. While at community college, I took an introduction to Philosophy class and fell in love with the subject and knew that was what I wanted to major in.

All of this is a waste. Given that you talk about poor grades at the end of your PS, your framework is really that you always wanted to be a physician but can't get into med school. So now you'll just be an attorney that does health law. The part about philosophy doesn't fit the PS and is tossed-in awkwardly.

When I got accepted into my dream school, Loyola University Chicago, I was delighted. Attending Loyola was a life altering experience for me. The Jesuit philosophy of commitment to service resonated with me and left a lasting impact. During my last semester at Loyola, I took a Health Care Ethics course which left a lasting impression on me. The course focused on the role of moral reasoning in the healthcare setting. Although what I learned in the class was very valuable to me, it was required outside of the classroom for the course that fueled my passion for health law. The Health Care Ethics course was part of the many engaged learning courses that are offered at Loyola. Engaged learning courses are classes that engage students to learn outside of the classroom, as well as in the classroom. As part of my Health Care Ethics course, I volunteered at Hamdard Center in Chicago, which is a non-profit health and social service agency that provides health care services to the underserved community.

This would be a more appropriate introduction for your PS. It sets up a healthcare/service theme. The bolded part is not necessary. Try to be concise. The sentence starting with "although" appears to be missing words.

Volunteering at Hamdard was a life changing experience for me. I met many patients who prior going to Hamdard Center, were unable to get proper medical attention due to their economic standing. After graduating from Loyola, I volunteered at California Rural Legal Assistance in Modesto, California. CRLA is a nonprofit legal service program for California’s low-income individuals and communities. While volunteering at CRLA, my passion for helping the underserved community grew stronger. The vast majority of the people who needed assistance from CRLA were immigrants who came to the United States for better opportunity. I saw firsthand how these hard working people were being taken advantage of and mistreated by healthcare professionals, employers, and schools.

There needs to be a rewrite of the information related to your volunteer experience. You really just say you volunteered at Hamdard but don't explain why it fueled a passion for health law. You actually only give a broad description of the non-profit's work. You don't want to repeat your resume' for CRLA, but you can discuss your duties in some capacity. An anecdote about helping a particular person might be helpful.

After volunteering both at California Rural Legal Experience and Hamdard Center, I knew my passion and calling in life is to represent and fight for the underserved. The underserved need a voice in the healthcare setting. The underserved community deserves the opportunity of good health. To ensure good health, they need quality healthcare, which they are not getting. Since I was a toddler, I have been lucky enough to have yearly check ups with my physician. Some of the underserved don’t have opportunities for check ups, much less yearly check up, so they have to wait until something minor becomes something major in order to get proper treatment, and that alone, takes away their opportunity for a life of good health.

This sounds more like you want to be a doctor and provide care than to practice health law.

My college grades are not as good as they should have been and I have no excuses. I was immature during my time at Loyola and took for granted the opportunity I was handed. Whenever I would struggle, I would not worry about it and tell myself that I would do better next semester. Maturing up has showed me that there’s not always a next time, and that I did to put my all in everything I do now. My time at Loyola University Chicago is a time I will cherish in my heart forever. Everything about the school from the students, faculty, and administration were wonderful. There is a quote by Saint Francis of Assisi that I read repeatedly read to remind me of my goal. He states, “Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take nothing that you have received,but only what you have given; a full heart enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice, and courage.”

The paragraph gets in the way and disrupts the flow of the PS. You should really go from the above paragraph to the conclusion. All of the discussion of poor grades and maturing should go. It doesn't fit into the PS. The sappy parts about Loyola don't do much for me. You're overplaying that you went to Loyola for undergrad. For the quote, if Saint Francis wrote that statement, the you should say just say he "wrote" it, although "stated" would work. The Saint Francis quote would be better left for a conclusion. I don't usually like quotes in personal statements, but I think it could work for you because Loyola's health law program can help you become an attorney that will have a heart enriched by service (see how I tied themes together instead of just tossing an unexplained quote out into the ether?). Also, what "goal" does the quote remind you of?? Be sure to proofread (bolded section).

Just as Loyola University Chicago was my dream university to attend. It is also my dream law school to attend. I know firsthand that Loyola is a school that cares for their students and strives for their success. Also, Loyola’s Health Law program is one of the best in the country and I know the education that I receive at Loyola will be second to none and will provide me with more than enough tools to succeed as a future health law attorney.

This is pretty bland overall and a little much. You could get a better education at other schools. You can say it's your dream school and mention the health law program, but don't take things to far.

[ILGentiluomo]

Thank you for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I definitely don't want to come off that I couldn't get into medical school, so i chose law, because that's not the case. Do you recommend I mention my grades at all, maybe in a reworded way or completely leave it out?

[Mr. Archer]

Thank you for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I definitely don't want to come off that I couldn't get into medical school, so i chose law, because that's not the case. Do you recommend I mention my grades at all, maybe in a reworded way or completely leave it out?

Leave it out. Also, I get you really like Loyola, but make sure that school will help you reach your career goals (job type and location). You won't be getting a mobile degree from Loyola. There may be better/cheaper options, or you might think about retaking the LSAT if that could help you with a Loyola scholarship, if you're dead-set on Loyola.

[ILGentiluomo]

Thank you for the suggestions. I'll scrap my essay and take your advice into account with writing the new one.

[NotTheNSA]

Also OP I'd beg you reconsider Loyala.

https://www.lstreports.com/schools/loyola-chicago/

30% underemployment rate. 50% of graduates make less than 60k (which is fine, but not enough without scholarship). And I hope you want to work in Chicago.

[ILGentiluomo]

I've always been curious about that. How can Loyola claim 89% employment, but it's much less in LST? I know almost all schools do this and not just Loyola, but what do they do? Count Temp jobs and part time?