PS Editing/Feedback? Will swap! Forum

[KDavis95]

Updated version is at the bottom of this thread! I am willing to swap! Thanks for your help!

[inmybeginning]

The halls of the university have never been this quiet, nor have they ever been so full. Nothing but distant rustles of paper could be heard within the six hundred year old walls. I sat anxiously among my peers in a hard, plastic chair, going over my notes and my Italian. Finally, a curt voice called, “Signorina Davis, the professor will see you now…” I got up and confidently walked into the professor’s office, prepared to face a task I had thought was impossible just four months ago.

1) first sentence should be in past tense. Also, be careful of tense throughout. You switch between past and present. It should all be past unless you are talking about who you are in the present.
2) first you're anxious (sentence 3) and then you are confident (last sentence). Change to make your emotions more continuous.

So when my junior year approached, I applied to the exchange program, which I later learned required me to attend courses taught in Italian at an Italian University.

Maybe clarify whether this is junior year of high school or college.

which I later learned required me to attend courses taught in Italian at an Italian University. For a split second, I panicked.

Maybe reword this. This implies that you didn't read the information for the foreign exchange program close enough to know that you had to speak in Italian. That could come across as not detail oriented, which I don't think you want.

straniera”,

Commas/periods within quotes ALWAYS. strainiera,"

But I persevered, and eventually things improved. The turning point came during welcome week.

Telling me your persevered is great. But it was only bad for a week? That makes it seem like not that big of a deal. Maybe change the phrasing/chronology of this a bit.

It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen, and when it did, I finally felt a sense of belonging.

Awk sentence and *almost* a run on.

I mustered up all the confidence I could and confronted my greatest fear.

greatest might be a bit overstated.

I probably, but at least now I know how to face them.

typo

After it was all said and done, I was not the shy and timid girl I was when I first stepped off the plane. Through practice, dedication, and an open mind, I had overcome my fears and come through with flying colors. I often wonder now if I will ever encounter challenges so nerve wracking and terrifying as studying in Italy had seemed to be. I probably, but at least now I know how to face them.

I think this is definitely getting there! I would recommending working more on showing your transformation (which you do about 70% of the time) rather than telling about your transformation or deviating from it (30% of the time). I want to see the change. Best of luck!

[sethnoorzad]

You say that you don't think you are the greatest writer, but your writing is good. Your sentences are very clear. They flow logically from one to another. I think one of the strong aspects of this PS is its readability. Your ideas are complex enough to be interesting yet simple and easy to read. I think that is important because some statements are a strain to read and are overloaded with complex ideas.

I really like the order of your paragraphs, specifically the first paragraph preceding everything else. I've seen some similar ideas before but for some reason I think it really works well with yours. Again, I think the simplicity of your story really makes it nice to read.

I think you could comb through and find some sentences that could cast yourself in an even better light if you reword them. For example: " Nevertheless, the mere thought of passing up such a wonderful opportunity solely because I was fearful of the unknown seemed absurd." The idea here is good because it shows a positive character quality you possess, namely taking opportunities even if they scare you. Maybe that could be brought out a little more. "Nevertheless, I couldn't allow myself to forgo such a wonderful and exciting opportunity merely because I was afraid of the potential challenges and fear of the unknown." I think that just emphasizes a little more your positive character qualities that propelled you to go to Italy.

"I felt lonely, isolated and not particularly bright." Maybe this is just me but I feel like it would be better not to mention that you had some feelings of insecurity about your academic or linguistic capabilities by saying "not particularly bright". I think self deprecation doesn't really fit well in a PS where you are trying to convey to ad comms how intelligent, resourceful, creative you are etc. After all, it is probably not true since you managed to go to Italy and end up passing your final exams with flying colors and your Italian reached a whole new level. You have to be bright to do that. I think acknowledging that you were lonely and isolated is fine and it's nice because it's honest. I just think one of the purposes of the PS is to show a good level of self confidence and pride in your own good qualities, within reason obviously. That's why I say this. Just my opinion.

BTW, I went to France for a semester and took all but one class from the main catalog with other French students. It was one of the most socially challenging experiences I have ever been through. Seems like you really succeeded and got a lot out of it so props to you.

GL

[KDavis95]

The halls of the university have never been this quiet, nor have they ever been so full. Nothing but distant rustles of paper could be heard within the six hundred year old walls. I sat anxiously among my peers in a hard, plastic chair, going over my notes and my Italian. Finally, a curt voice called, “Signorina Davis, the professor will see you now…” I got up and confidently walked into the professor’s office, prepared to face a task I had thought was impossible just four months ago.

1) first sentence should be in past tense. Also, be careful of tense throughout. You switch between past and present. It should all be past unless you are talking about who you are in the present.
2) first you're anxious (sentence 3) and then you are confident (last sentence). Change to make your emotions more continuous.

So when my junior year approached, I applied to the exchange program, which I later learned required me to attend courses taught in Italian at an Italian University.

Maybe clarify whether this is junior year of high school or college.

which I later learned required me to attend courses taught in Italian at an Italian University. For a split second, I panicked.

Maybe reword this. This implies that you didn't read the information for the foreign exchange program close enough to know that you had to speak in Italian. That could come across as not detail oriented, which I don't think you want.

straniera”,

Commas/periods within quotes ALWAYS. strainiera,"

But I persevered, and eventually things improved. The turning point came during welcome week.

Telling me your persevered is great. But it was only bad for a week? That makes it seem like not that big of a deal. Maybe change the phrasing/chronology of this a bit.

It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen, and when it did, I finally felt a sense of belonging.

Awk sentence and *almost* a run on.

I mustered up all the confidence I could and confronted my greatest fear.

greatest might be a bit overstated.

I probably, but at least now I know how to face them.

typo

After it was all said and done, I was not the shy and timid girl I was when I first stepped off the plane. Through practice, dedication, and an open mind, I had overcome my fears and come through with flying colors. I often wonder now if I will ever encounter challenges so nerve wracking and terrifying as studying in Italy had seemed to be. I probably, but at least now I know how to face them.

I think this is definitely getting there! I would recommending working more on showing your transformation (which you do about 70% of the time) rather than telling about your transformation or deviating from it (30% of the time). I want to see the change. Best of luck!

This was soooo helpful! Thank you very much. I will be implementing these edits.

[KDavis95]

You say that you don't think you are the greatest writer, but your writing is good. Your sentences are very clear. They flow logically from one to another. I think one of the strong aspects of this PS is its readability. Your ideas are complex enough to be interesting yet simple and easy to read. I think that is important because some statements are a strain to read and are overloaded with complex ideas.

I really like the order of your paragraphs, specifically the first paragraph preceding everything else. I've seen some similar ideas before but for some reason I think it really works well with yours. Again, I think the simplicity of your story really makes it nice to read.

I think you could comb through and find some sentences that could cast yourself in an even better light if you reword them. For example: " Nevertheless, the mere thought of passing up such a wonderful opportunity solely because I was fearful of the unknown seemed absurd." The idea here is good because it shows a positive character quality you possess, namely taking opportunities even if they scare you. Maybe that could be brought out a little more. "Nevertheless, I couldn't allow myself to forgo such a wonderful and exciting opportunity merely because I was afraid of the potential challenges and fear of the unknown." I think that just emphasizes a little more your positive character qualities that propelled you to go to Italy.

"I felt lonely, isolated and not particularly bright." Maybe this is just me but I feel like it would be better not to mention that you had some feelings of insecurity about your academic or linguistic capabilities by saying "not particularly bright". I think self deprecation doesn't really fit well in a PS where you are trying to convey to ad comms how intelligent, resourceful, creative you are etc. After all, it is probably not true since you managed to go to Italy and end up passing your final exams with flying colors and your Italian reached a whole new level. You have to be bright to do that. I think acknowledging that you were lonely and isolated is fine and it's nice because it's honest. I just think one of the purposes of the PS is to show a good level of self confidence and pride in your own good qualities, within reason obviously. That's why I say this. Just my opinion.

BTW, I went to France for a semester and took all but one class from the main catalog with other French students. It was one of the most socially challenging experiences I have ever been through. Seems like you really succeeded and got a lot out of it so props to you.

GL

Thank you for your encouraging words. They really made me feel a lot better about my writing. I see what you mean by me depreciating myself sometimes. I actually didn't notice I was doing that, so I will definitely fine tune my statement and make sure I don't do that too much (without seeming too pompous haha). I appreciate your feedback so much!

[KDavis95]

Updated my statement!!! Please review. I'm willing to swap! I feel like it's almost there

The halls of the university had never been this quiet, nor had they ever been so full. Nothing but distant rustles of paper could be heard within the six hundred year old walls. I sat anxiously among my peers in a hard, plastic chair, reviewing my notes and practicing my Italian. Finally, a curt voice called, “Signorina Davis, the professor will see you now…” I got up and confidently walked into the professor’s office, prepared to face a task I perceived as impossible just four months ago.

It has been my dream to study abroad in Italy since I began learning the Italian language seven years ago. My love for Italian history, film, food, and art only heightened my desire to travel to the beautiful country. When my junior year of college approached, I applied to the exchange program. I soon learned that I would be required to attend courses taught in the native language at an Italian University. For a split second, I panicked. If I stuck to speaking simple sentences, I would be fine. My reading and writing were exceptional, however my conversational skills were primitive at best. What’s more, the exams in Italy are strictly oral exams, which require students to discuss topics covered in class, one on one with the professor for at least an hour. I had also never left the comfort of my home and family. Nevertheless, the mere thought of passing up such a wonderful opportunity solely because I was fearful of the unknown seemed absurd. Despite my reservations about leaving my comfort zone, I accepted the offer for a seat at the Università Degli Studi di Siena.

Arriving in Italy, I immediately felt the pressure of being “straniera,” a foreigner, and a lone African American woman in a sea of Europeans. Expressing myself also proved to be difficult because of my shy tendencies when it came to speaking Italian. After my first week, I was ready to go home. Courses taught in Italian were much more challenging than I had expected, and I also had a hard time making friends with the Italian students. I felt lonely, isolated and not particularly bright. But I persevered by studying from language books I had brought from home, reading Italian literature and watching films. I utilized every opportunity to learn and immerse myself in the language. Through my diligent efforts, things improved over the first few months. But, I didn’t stop there. I attended a few exchange student events held by the University and met students from all over the world who were facing the same problems that I was. Several of us agreed to meet up at a later time and practice our Italian together. That proved much less intimidating than speaking to native-born Italians had been.

The more you speak a language, the better you get at it. In a few weeks, I was speaking Italian most of the time and able to hold my own in everyday conversations with the Italian students. People always get along better when they can communicate with each other, and Italians are no exception. Soon I was able to make friends at the university as well as in the neighborhood. It didn't happen overnight, but when it did, I finally felt a sense of belonging. But there were still final exams to deal with and they were intimidating. It's not easy to speak for an hour to experts in a language that's not your primary one. Though I felt confident with the content of each course, I still worried about my imperfect Italian and having to face my professors one on one. Nevertheless, when each examination day came, I surprised even myself. I mustered up all the confidence I could and confronted my one of my greatest fears. Speaking with a clear voice, I made sure I gave complete and detailed answers to every question that was asked. I made a few grammatical mistakes, but I continued to speak regardless. My professors were impressed with my growth and my preparation was evident in the grades I received at the end of each exam.

After it was all said and done, I was not the shy and timid girl I was when I first stepped off the plane. Through practice, dedication, and an open mind, I had overcome my fears and come through with flying colors. I often wonder now if I will ever encounter challenges so nerve wracking and terrifying as studying in Italy had seemed to be. Inevitably I will, but at least now I know that I have the confidence and willpower to face them head on.

[KDavis95]

*bump*