First draft PS. Comments? Forum

[alexmuse]

International student here. Would like some comments on my first draft. Thanks a lot!
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The 2016 Hugo Award winner Hao Jingfang described Beijing as a threefold city in her winning piece, “Folding Beijing”. In my opinion, this book is more of a magical realism novel than a science fiction. Indeed, Beijing has three layers divided by its unique ring road system: the inner city inside the 3rd ring road, the area between the 3rd to the 5th ring road, and the ten outer suburbs outside the 5th ring road. [X District], the so-called “rural-urban fringe zone” where I come from, is probably on the edge of the 7th ring road, should there ever be one. Here in [X District] we do not have concrete towers or sprawling highways like the rest of Beijing. We do share the traffic jam and the air quality though.

Having lived in [X] for 18 years, I had taken it for granted that I was living in the same city as others. It was only when I entered college in the city that I came to realize the how different lives can be under the same sky. To name an example, I am the first-generation college graduate, while my friends’ grandparents are university professors or academicians of Chinese Academy of Sciences.

Certainly this caused me some trouble. For one thing, it was hard for me to fit in their circles. Apart from that, I had to face the prejudices and sarcasms from urban Beijingers—“[X]? Isn’t that really far away? How long does it take you to get here, five hours?”, or “I heard that students from your district fight a lot. Have you ever been in a group fight?” I have developed a mechanism to cope with these situations: laugh it off, then answer these absurd questions in a genuine way: “It usually takes me two and a half hours to get here, and no, I have not been in a group fight.”

But it’s the silent prejudice that hurts. I remember several conversations in which people asked me curiously, “where do you come from?” After hearing that I come from [X], their facial expression would change slightly—their eyebrows raised, often accompanied by an meaningful “oh”. I could see that my answer disappointed them a little. In some people’s expectations, a young adult with a nice character, good grades, and a national scholarship winner is characterized as an “elite”, and an “elite” should only belong to a few selected circles: born in a well-off family, came from a nice neighborhood and graduated from one of the oldest and finest high schools in Beijing. But I am none of the above.

My experiences in dealing with prejudices has led me ponder something larger than myself. In China, we don’t have racial issues, but the opposition between social classes is just as harsh as any other social issues in the world. The “class solidification” has never been more serious. Over the years it has become increasingly harder for a kid born in an ordinary family like me to get into a good university that supposedly is the only chance to change his life; We don’t have foreign immigration issues either, but the restriction on domestic migration is beyond comprehension for many foreigners. In the United States Donald Trump talks about building a wall, while in Beijing there has been an invisible wall for decades: Hukou (a domestic passport). If you don’t have a Hukou in Beijing, you will be deported according to law.

One of the most important lessons I learnt in Jurisprudence class is that not all laws are good. Certain laws violate the very nature of our Constitution and should be abolished. While I don’t possess the power to shape people’s mind and eradicate prejudices form the world, I can use my knowledge of the law to advocate for people who are deprived of the chance of having a fair fight. For the past five months I have been an intern at the [X law firm] antitrust team. My deepest reflection is that one of the essence of the antitrust law is fairness. One shall not abuse its dominance to deny others the fair chance of competition. That’s exactly what our society needs: inclusion first, competition next. I believe in this idea and will keep advocating for it, but first I need to prepare myself.

While conducting due diligence on law schools, I was deeply impressed by [X] Law School by its wide range of curricular offerings and its inclusive environment. I was also attracted to the various student organizations and hope to become an active member of the law school community. I am convinced three years of systematic training at [X] Law School is the best option for adequate preparation. The journey I will soon embark on is a long and demanding one, but I know, without question, that I will love every minute.

[pipipipi]

Fellow Chinese applicant here. A few thoughts:

1) I think your theme is fine, and I get where you are going, but it might be too subtle for other non-Chinese to understand how the real issue is related.
2) You talked about what you think of the system and how you felt, but apart from answering prejudice questions directly, no where in the essay talked about what you did. This is risky when your thought is not particularly original.
3) Lastly, I see what you are trying to do including your honors, but I am not sure this PS, instead of your resume, is the right place to show it off.

Hope it helps and good luck with he application!

[Inversion]

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[alexmuse]

Fellow Chinese applicant here. A few thoughts:

1) I think your theme is fine, and I get where you are going, but it might be too subtle for other non-Chinese to understand how the real issue is related.
2) You talked about what you think of the system and how you felt, but apart from answering prejudice questions directly, no where in the essay talked about what you did. This is risky when your thought is not particularly original.
3) Lastly, I see what you are trying to do including your honors, but I am not sure this PS, instead of your resume, is the right place to show it off.

Hope it helps and good luck with he application!

Thank you so much for your advice! I will definitely think more on this essay!

[alexmuse]

First, I really like your hook. I didn't know anything about Beijing's rings, and although it's not surprising to find out they exist, reading about them was interesting and got my attention. I'm not sure I agree with the first commenter about your theme being too subtle. I'm not Chinese but I have some familiarity with the topic of inequality within Chinese society just from exposure to various news stories and human interest pieces over the years. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume at least a passing awareness on the part of the adcoms who will be reading this.

Since you're an international student, a quick question: is English your first language? I don't mean to offend; your PS reads very well overall but there are a few small errors and odd phrasings like "I am the first-generation college graduate" (should read, 'I am a first-generation college graduate'). Of course, this could just be because this is your first draft, in which case, ignore this question.

Lastly, I really hated these two sentences. I think they're cheesy and unnecessary. Better to leave these sentiments implicit or make them known in a more subtle way:
My experiences in dealing with prejudices has led me ponder something larger than myself.
The journey I will soon embark on is a long and demanding one, but I know, without question, that I will love every minute.

Otherwise, I really like the direction your PS is going in!

Thanks! Your comment means a great deal to me. English is not my first language, but I'll keep perfecting this essay and eliminate all errors in the final draft. I'll also try to rephrase these two sentences so they don't appear too cheesy:)

[BobBoblaw]

Not Chinese here, but I'm pretty sure you do have racial issues in China. Ask any non-Han Chinese citizen and they would probably take umbrage with that sentence. You can probably acknowledge that racial tensions exist while still asserting that the main manifestation of prejudice is one of class, given that the Chinese population is so overwhelmingly Han.

I do like your treatment of the internal migration issue, though.

Also, as others have said, I would have a native English speaker, maybe two, read through this carefully, as there are a number of errors. I'm a bit too lazy to go through them all myself, but here is one of several I noticed:

eradicate prejudices form the world

Form should be from.