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[Anonymous User]

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[lymenheimer]

deleted

too short. not very substantive. really need to work on this.

[lymenheimer]

Gonna disclaim my advice with the fact that I feel like this is flame. But I would be embarrassed for OP if he submitted this to law schools.

It reads as if English is not your first language. That is not good for American law school applications. Also, your story is simply that, a story. You need to make this a Personal Statement. Cut out a majority of the narrative and, if you need to give background, hit the high points to show your development. Going from "I am shy" to "I am now not shy" is not how you show improvement/development.

[Anonymous User]

Gonna disclaim my advice with the fact that I feel like this is flame. But I would be embarrassed for OP if he submitted this to law schools.

It reads as if English is not your first language. That is not good for American law school applications. Also, your story is simply that, a story. You need to make this a Personal Statement. Cut out a majority of the narrative and, if you need to give background, hit the high points to show your development. Going from "I am shy" to "I am now not shy" is not how you show improvement/development.

Thanks a lot for the feedback, I may work on it later.

[Future Ex-Engineer]

To be totally honest, this reminds me of emails I would get from my international TA's in undergrad - the vague Google-Translate-esque vibe.

I think it may be worth looking into a coach or professional writing workshop if you are going to produce something that a top adcomm will even consider. I get the feeling this would quickly be seen as reason for a rejection.

[Anonymous User]

To be totally honest, this reminds me of emails I would get from my international TA's in undergrad - the vague Google-Translate-esque vibe.

I think it may be worth looking into a coach or professional writing workshop if you are going to produce something that a top adcomm will even consider. I get the feeling this would quickly be seen as reason for a rejection.

hmmm it hurts me, but it may be true. I am trying to write a better one.