Revised Personal Statement... feedback appreciated Forum

[gabmarie]

Revisions below

[Mr. Freeze]

IIn addition to my work with businesses and individual contributors, I’ve also gained valuable perceptiveness and transferable skills through learning new computer programs and point of sale platforms in order to produce and sell merchandise to benefit Ruuska.

I wasn't sure if this was a real word so I looked it up.

perceptiveness: Having the ability to perceive

I'm not sure what you mean here. It sounds like you are trying to say you gained a valuable perspective?

Also ending with a quote seems very cliche

[melainaa]

This is my latest revision of my PS. Would greatly appreciate some brutally honest input. Thanks!

_________________________________________________________________________________

For a large part of my life, I lived everyday in my suburban cul-de-sac where I was sheltered from many of the harsh realities that people around me were subject to endure. My parents were active proponents for every endeavor I chose to embark on throughout my life; whether it was critiquing my applications when I eagerly applied for my first job the day after my 16th birthday or following me during every mile of first marathon at 17 to pass along energy gel packets, their support has always been unwavering. While it was their hard work and dedication I witnessed them exhibit day in and day out that developed own my desire to strive for the most for myself, I’ve always been notorious for seeking more out of life; and I knew upon every victory, a greater challenge was ahead. So when I had the opportunity to sign up for a service trip at an orphanage in Haiti during my senior year of high school, I fervently pleaded with them for the chance to go. Skeptical at first, I immersed them with the research I had uncovered about the struggling country, and adamantly expressed to them how deeply I felt called to embark on my next challenge. Converted through my persistence, they agreed to allow me to go; and I excitedly began fundraising in my local community so that I could purchase my ticket.

I vividly recall the pressing memories of my first trip; the smell of petroleum that overwhelmed me when I first deplaned in Port-au-Prince, the exhausting 100 degree heat index that kept me from sleeping through the night, and the images of malnourished children at every corner all still burn brightly in my mind. Though many of my high school peers concluded their trip unfazed by the experience and resumed their daily routines, I was quite the opposite. The disparity and turmoil I viewed could not just be tucked away in a memory box or photo album, I again, felt called to strive for more.

Six months after my initial trip, I returned to Haiti again. For a month leading up to my trip, I insistently pursued local organizations and businesses to donate food and medical supplies for me to take on my upcoming venture. I remember exuding pride and smiling through tired eyes once I boarded my 5 a.m. flight on a brisk December morning with over 100 pounds of supplies for the orphanage in tow.

Since my senior year of high school, I’ve returned to Haiti 14 times and now proudly don the title of Fundraising Coordinator for Reach Out To Haiti, the umbrella organization of Ruuska Village; the orphanage I first served at three years ago. I contribute much of the grit and tenacity I relinquish on every day tasks academically and professionally to the experiences I’ve gained during my time serving at Ruuska Village. I’ve withstood a myriad of tireless nights filled with the composition of letters requesting donations, and subsequently poured out unrelenting perseverance in order to turn many firm “No thank you’s”, into eventual “When can you pick up our contribution?”. In addition to my work with businesses and individual contributors, I’ve also gained valuable perceptiveness and transferable skills through learning new computer programs and point of sale platforms in order to produce and sell merchandise to benefit Ruuska. There have been many times I’ve found myself wondering if I was being spread too thin, particularly when being pulled in different directions from my Fundraising Coordinator position and by the two jobs I work in order to fund my undergraduate career. However, being able to see my work making an impact on those unable to help themselves has consistently driven me to maintain my momentum through my role within Reach Out To Haiti. The privilege of being a spectator to the difference my fundraising movements have made in the lives of so many people has been a pivotal force inspiring me to continue. Seeing the countless meals and lifesaving supplies that have been distributed to those who’d otherwise be forced to survive without has been particularly moving. However, one of the most significant affirmations I’ve received is watching the journeys of so many families adopting and welcoming an orphaned child from Ruuska in to a forever home, made possible in part through the funds I’ve generated.

I believe the opportunity to functionally utilize my compassion gained through my involvement in Haiti lies within the doors of [SCHOOL REDACTED]. I steadfastly trust that the curriculum and faculty here will push me to strive for excellence and act as a catalyst to intensify my profound yearning to vigorously advocate for families, children, and the disadvantaged.I would be fortunate to strive for triumph of yet another new venture through the help of programs offered within this institution.
“I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light.” - John Keith Falconer

First thought reading this? You need to rework this intensely to avoid coming off as an entitled and ethnocentric child with a white savior complex.

First, I know some people don't like quotes - I used a quote in my undergrad statement right at the beginning, but tied it back at the end with how my own experiences relate to the quote. I did not, however, use a quote in my LS PS (T14).

I'm not going to go through every single problem in your ps, because honestly, I would start again from scratch. You were told this in another thread, but seem to absolutely want to keep some of the same sentences. I bolded everything I would rework, so you have an idea of where to apply my comments. Here are the main points:

• STOP with the excessive adjectives: "functionally utilize," "steadfastly trust," fervently pleaded,"adamantly expressed," "vigorously advocate," etc. See a theme here? Every single one of these expressions sounds contrived. And I'm not sure you know how to use some of these adjectives effectively.
  
  You'll never get through legal writing if you don't learn how to write a concise sentence with active verbs. Change all your verbs to the active form and see how you like that. Because I "withstood a myriad of tireless nights filled with the composition of letters requesting donations, and subsequently poured out unrelenting perseverance in order to turn many firm “No thank you’s”, into eventual “When can you pick up our contribution?” is way too long a sentence - not to mention acting as though you were the new Mother Theresa.
  
  Avoid pretentious terms and expressions: "the disadvantaged," helping a poor orphan "into a forever home" (it's INTO, not "in to" by the way), "utilize my compassion gained . . ." (saying you're compassionate is again, a little pretentious). Or "I contribute much of the grit and tenacity I relinquish on every day tasks academically and professionally to the experiences I’ve gained during my time serving at Ruuska Village."
  
  "There have been many times I’ve found myself wondering if I was being spread too thin, particularly when being pulled in different directions from my Fundraising Coordinator position and by the two jobs I work in order to fund my undergraduate career." Yeah - you're applying to law school, you might not want to mention how you could barely handle your responsibilities, IMO.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as harsh, but as in any good book, you want to SHOW the admissions you're a good person - not TELL them. So stop talking about the "myriad of tireless nights," about how compassionate you are, and about how much grit and tenacity you use to be a good person.

And please take into consideration the advice you got in the other thread. Remember, for legal writing, less is more: short sentences, a few well-chosen adjectives, and active sentences that convey a sense of yourself to the reader.

[Law2020hopeful]

I hope you saw my comments on this new draft on your other post. If you didn't, I copied and pasted them below.

_____________________________________________________________________________

New (hopefully more effective) approach. Thanks again for the feedback


For a large part of my life, I lived everyday in my suburban cul-de-sac where I was sheltered from many of the harsh realities that people around me were subject to endure. My parents were active proponents for every endeavor I chose to embark on throughout my life; whether it was critiquing my applications when I eagerly applied for my first job the day after my 16th birthday or following me during every mile of first marathon at 17 to pass along energy gel packets, their support has always been unwavering. While it was their hard work and dedication I witnessed them exhibit day in and day out that developed own my desire to strive for the most for myself, I’ve always been notorious for seeking more out of life; and I knew upon every victory, a greater challenge was ahead. So when I had the opportunity to sign up for a service trip at an orphanage in Haiti during my senior year of high school, I fervently pleaded with them for the chance to go. Skeptical at first, I immersed them with the research I had uncovered about the struggling country, and adamantly expressed to them how deeply I felt called to embark on my next challenge. Converted through my persistence, they agreed to allow me to go; and I excitedly began fundraising in my local community so that I could purchase my ticket.
I vividly recall the pressing memories of my first trip; the smell of petroleum that overwhelmed me when I first deplaned in Port-au-Prince, the exhausting 100 degree heat index that kept me from sleeping through the night, and the images of malnourished children at every corner all still burn brightly in my mind. Though many of my high school peers concluded their trip unfazed by the experience and resumed their daily routines, I was quite the opposite. The disparity and turmoil I viewed could not just be tucked away in a memory box or photo album, I again, felt called to strive for more.
Six months after my initial trip, I returned to Haiti again. For a month leading up to my trip, I insistently pursued local organizations and businesses to donate food and medical supplies for me to take on my upcoming venture. I remember exuding pride and smiling through tired eyes once I boarded my 5 a.m. flight on a brisk December morning with over 100 pounds of supplies for the orphanage in tow.
Since my senior year of high school, I’ve returned to Haiti 14 times and now proudly don the title of Fundraising Coordinator for Reach Out To Haiti, the umbrella organization of Ruuska Village; the orphanage I first served at three years ago. I contribute much of the grit and tenacity I relinquish on every day tasks academically and professionally to the experiences I’ve gained during my time serving at Ruuska Village. I’ve withstood a myriad of tireless nights filled with the composition of letters requesting donations, and subsequently poured out unrelenting perseverance in order to turn many firm “No thank you’s”, into eventual “When can you pick up our contribution?”. In addition to my work with businesses and individual contributors, I’ve also gained valuable perceptiveness and transferable skills through learning new computer programs and point of sale platforms in order to produce and sell merchandise to benefit Ruuska. There have been many times I’ve found myself wondering if I was being spread too thin, particularly when being pulled in different directions from my Fundraising Coordinator position and by the two jobs I work in order to fund my undergraduate career. However, being able to see my work making an impact on those unable to help themselves has consistently driven me to maintain my momentum through my role within Reach Out To Haiti. The privilege of being a spectator to the difference my fundraising movements have made in the lives of so many people has been a pivotal force inspiring me to continue. Seeing the countless meals and lifesaving supplies that have been distributed to those who’d otherwise be forced to survive without has been particularly moving. However, one of the most significant affirmations I’ve received is watching the journeys of so many families adopting and welcoming an orphaned child from Ruuska in to a forever home, made possible in part through the funds I’ve generated.
I believe the opportunity to functionally utilize my compassion gained through my involvement in Haiti lies within the doors of [SCHOOL REDACTED]. I steadfastly trust that the curriculum and faculty here will push me to strive for excellence and act as a catalyst to intensify my profound yearning to vigorously advocate for families, children, and the disadvantaged.
“I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light.” - John Keith Falconer

Each of the following points corresponds to one of the bolded sections (first point to first bolded section etc.)

1.Really? The people around you in your sheltered cul de sac had life circumstances that drastically differed from your own? Pretty sure that's not true. Re-work this.

2. This is a very clunky sentence.

3. Oy with the adjectives already!

4. The struggling country- we know Haiti isn't as fortunate as the U.S. Continuing to make that point indicates that you really are not as aware and enlightened as you want the adcomms to believe.

5. Why weren't you paying for the ticket with the money from the job you got after "eagerly applying the day after you turned 16". Did the trip have to be paid for with fundraising or did you not want to use your own money?

6. This doesn't sound real. It sounds forced and the use of two adjectives in a five word phrase is unnecessary.

7. You already said you vividly recall the pressing memories at the beginning of the sentence, it doesn't make sense and it isn't grammatically sound to include another phrase at the end of the same sentence that essentially says the same thing.

8. How do you know the other high schoolers were unfazed? It's an assumption that reads as if you think you're somehow better/more aware than your peers, which adcomms won't warm to.

9. Spell out the number (goes for 17 too and probably 16th-though I'm okay with that one).

10. A ; is grammatically incorrect here.

11.You don't need this. It rehashes your resume. Also, it isn't particularly impressive so I'd advise using that space to say something else.

12. "Unable to help themselves" again, this won't make you any friends on adcomms, it comes off as superior.

13. Literally have only heard "forever home" in relation to pet adoptions. It's a poor phrase to use about children (unless someone else knows this phrase is used in human adoptions as well, in which case ignore this). It gives off the sense of equating Haitian children to animals and I don't think I need to spell out why that's in poor taste.

14. Please don't end with a quote. It's cliche and pretty meaningless.

Ok, so overall, there are some improvements here from your last two drafts. I think you need to 1) stop writing like you're a thesaurus. Adjectives are best used sparingly. There's no need for three or four in one sentence that all describe the same/similar things. Watch out for cliche phrases/tropes (e.g. ending with a quote, "burn brightly" etc).

I still think your not coming off as well as you would like to/could. There are still references in here that may lead one to believe that you think you're superior to the people of Haiti, like you are God's gift to them and they would be lost/unable to survive without you.

In general, I don't think this is that interesting of a topic and I think it's one a lot of other people will be writing about. Experiment with writing about something different and see where it gets you. If you're married to using this topic, find a hook in it. This tells me stuff about you, but I wouldn't say it tells me a lot of things about you that will impress/endear adcomms to you.

Sorry if I overstepped my bounds with any of these comments, I am currently a professional editor, and it is second nature to me.

[sweets91]

This is my latest revision of my PS. Would greatly appreciate some brutally honest input. Thanks!

_________________________________________________________________________________

For a large part of my life, I lived everyday in my suburban cul-de-sac where I was sheltered from many of the harsh realities that people around me were subject to endure. My parents were active proponents for every endeavor I chose to embark on throughout my life; whether it was critiquing my applications when I eagerly applied for my first job the day after my 16th birthday or following me during every mile of first marathon at 17 to pass along energy gel packets, their support has always been unwavering. While it was their hard work and dedication I witnessed them exhibit day in and day out that developed own my desire to strive for the most for myself, I’ve always been notorious for seeking more out of life; and I knew upon every victory, a greater challenge was ahead. So when I had the opportunity to sign up for a service trip at an orphanage in Haiti during my senior year of high school, I fervently pleaded with them for the chance to go. Skeptical at first, I immersed them with the research I had uncovered about the struggling country, and adamantly expressed to them how deeply I felt called to embark on my next challenge. Converted through my persistence, they agreed to allow me to go; and I excitedly began fundraising in my local community so that I could purchase my ticket.
I vividly recall the pressing memories of my first trip; the smell of petroleum that overwhelmed me when I first deplaned in Port-au-Prince, the exhausting 100 degree heat index that kept me from sleeping through the night, and the images of malnourished children at every corner all still burn brightly in my mind. Though many of my high school peers concluded their trip unfazed by the experience and resumed their daily routines, I was quite the opposite. The disparity and turmoil I viewed could not just be tucked away in a memory box or photo album, I again, felt called to strive for more.
Six months after my initial trip, I returned to Haiti again. For a month leading up to my trip, I insistently pursued local organizations and businesses to donate food and medical supplies for me to take on my upcoming venture. I remember exuding pride and smiling through tired eyes once I boarded my 5 a.m. flight on a brisk December morning with over 100 pounds of supplies for the orphanage in tow.
Since my senior year of high school, I’ve returned to Haiti 14 times and now proudly don the title of Fundraising Coordinator for Reach Out To Haiti, the umbrella organization of Ruuska Village; the orphanage I first served at three years ago. I contribute much of the grit and tenacity I relinquish on every day tasks academically and professionally to the experiences I’ve gained during my time serving at Ruuska Village. I’ve withstood a myriad of tireless nights filled with the composition of letters requesting donations, and subsequently poured out unrelenting perseverance in order to turn many firm “No thank you’s”, into eventual “When can you pick up our contribution?”. In addition to my work with businesses and individual contributors, I’ve also gained valuable perceptiveness and transferable skills through learning new computer programs and point of sale platforms in order to produce and sell merchandise to benefit Ruuska. There have been many times I’ve found myself wondering if I was being spread too thin, particularly when being pulled in different directions from my Fundraising Coordinator position and by the two jobs I work in order to fund my undergraduate career. However, being able to see my work making an impact on those unable to help themselves has consistently driven me to maintain my momentum through my role within Reach Out To Haiti. The privilege of being a spectator to the difference my fundraising movements have made in the lives of so many people has been a pivotal force inspiring me to continue. Seeing the countless meals and lifesaving supplies that have been distributed to those who’d otherwise be forced to survive without has been particularly moving. However, one of the most significant affirmations I’ve received is watching the journeys of so many families adopting and welcoming an orphaned child from Ruuska in to a forever home, made possible in part through the funds I’ve generated.
I believe the opportunity to functionally utilize my compassion gained through my involvement in Haiti lies within the doors of [SCHOOL REDACTED]. I steadfastly trust that the curriculum and faculty here will push me to strive for excellence and act as a catalyst to intensify my profound yearning to vigorously advocate for families, children, and the disadvantaged.I would be fortunate to strive for triumph of yet another new venture through the help of programs offered within this institution.
“I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light.” - John Keith Falconer

Didn't read past the first sentence, but spotted an error in the first sentence: every day NOT everyday (adjective)

[gabmarie]

[quote="Law2020hopeful"]I hope you saw my comments on this new draft on your other post. If you didn't, I copied and pasted them below.

[quote="gabmarie"]

[gabmarie]

First thought reading this? You need to rework this intensely to avoid coming off as an entitled and ethnocentric child with a white savior complex.

First, I know some people don't like quotes - I used a quote in my undergrad statement right at the beginning, but tied it back at the end with how my own experiences relate to the quote. I did not, however, use a quote in my LS PS (T14).

I'm not going to go through every single problem in your ps, because honestly, I would start again from scratch. You were told this in another thread, but seem to absolutely want to keep some of the same sentences. I bolded everything I would rework, so you have an idea of where to apply my comments. Here are the main points:

• STOP with the excessive adjectives: "functionally utilize," "steadfastly trust," fervently pleaded,"adamantly expressed," "vigorously advocate," etc. See a theme here? Every single one of these expressions sounds contrived. And I'm not sure you know how to use some of these adjectives effectively.
  
  You'll never get through legal writing if you don't learn how to write a concise sentence with active verbs. Change all your verbs to the active form and see how you like that. Because I "withstood a myriad of tireless nights filled with the composition of letters requesting donations, and subsequently poured out unrelenting perseverance in order to turn many firm “No thank you’s”, into eventual “When can you pick up our contribution?” is way too long a sentence - not to mention acting as though you were the new Mother Theresa.
  
  Avoid pretentious terms and expressions: "the disadvantaged," helping a poor orphan "into a forever home" (it's INTO, not "in to" by the way), "utilize my compassion gained . . ." (saying you're compassionate is again, a little pretentious). Or "I contribute much of the grit and tenacity I relinquish on every day tasks academically and professionally to the experiences I’ve gained during my time serving at Ruuska Village."
  
  "There have been many times I’ve found myself wondering if I was being spread too thin, particularly when being pulled in different directions from my Fundraising Coordinator position and by the two jobs I work in order to fund my undergraduate career." Yeah - you're applying to law school, you might not want to mention how you could barely handle your responsibilities, IMO.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as harsh, but as in any good book, you want to SHOW the admissions you're a good person - not TELL them. So stop talking about the "myriad of tireless nights," about how compassionate you are, and about how much grit and tenacity you use to be a good person.

And please take into consideration the advice you got in the other thread. Remember, for legal writing, less is more: short sentences, a few well-chosen adjectives, and active sentences that convey a sense of yourself to the reader.[/quote]

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lots of valuable input, I'm starting to see how easily overlooked things can be when writing about yourself (clearly, it's been a while since I've had to write any kind of personal statement). I'm in the process of taking everything you mentioned in to consideration. I'd appreciate any further feedback on my current revision. Thanks again.

For a large part of my life, I lived every day in my suburban cul-de-sac where I was sheltered from the harsh realities that people from differing backgrounds were subject to endure. My parents were active proponents for every endeavor I chose to pursue throughout my life; whether it was critiquing my applications when I eagerly applied for my first job the day after my 16th birthday or following me during through my first marathon at 17 to pass along energy gel packets, their support has always been unwavering. While the hard work and dedication I witnessed them exhibit daily influenced me to develop own my desire to strive for success, I’ve always been notorious for seeking more out of life; and I knew upon every victory, a greater challenge was ahead. So when I had the opportunity to sign up for a service trip at an orphanage in Haiti during my senior year of high school, I pleaded with them for the chance to go. Skeptical at first, I immersed them with the research I had uncovered about the country, and expressed to them how deeply I felt called to embark on my next challenge. Converted through my persistence, they agreed to allow me to go; and I began working more and more hours at my local restaurant job so that I could purchase my ticket and afford all necessary immunizations and passport documents.
I still recall the pressing memories of my first trip; the smell of petroleum that overwhelmed me when I first deplaned in Port-au-Prince, the exhausting 100 degree heat that kept me from sleeping through the night, and the images of malnourished children at every corner are all engrained in my mind. Though many of my high school peers concluded their trip and resumed their daily routines, I was quite the opposite. The disparity I viewed could not just be tucked away in a memory box or photo album, I again, felt called to strive for more.
Six months after my initial trip, I returned to Haiti again. For a month leading up to my trip, I pursued local organizations and businesses to donate food and medical supplies for me to take on my upcoming venture. I remember exuding pride as I boarded my 5 a.m. flight on a brisk December morning with over 100 pounds of supplies for the orphanage in tow.
Since my senior year of high school, I’ve returned to Haiti 14 times and now proudly don the title of Fundraising Coordinator for Reach Out To Haiti, the umbrella organization of Ruuska Village; the orphanage I first served at three years ago. I contribute much of the grit and tenacity I relinquish on tasks both academically and professionally to the experiences I’ve gained during my time working with Reach Out To Haiti. I’ve withstood long nights drafting letters requesting donations, and subsequently poured out persistence in order to turn many firm “No thank you’s”, into eventual “When can you pick up our contribution?” Though I sustained a hectic undergraduate career, as I successfully balanced the demands of both my position with Reach Out to Haiti and the two jobs I worked in order to fund my education, I’m grateful for the impact all of my undertakings have made on me as an individual. One of the most significant specific affirmations I’ve received is being able to witness the journeys of many families adopting a child from Ruuska into a loving home, made possible in part through the funds I’ve generated. While supplies and monetary assistances are largely beneficial to Ruuska, something I most proudly regard has been the influence my efforts has had on others. Tangible donations are valuable, but working bodies are far more esteemed and even more difficult to solicit. The amount of people who have donated their own time to serve directly on the grounds of Haiti after witnessing my own contributions has been vital to the organization’s maintenance. Being able to stimulate lasting participation from numerous people has by far been one of the greatest assistances I’ve provided to the organization. However, I also believe this is one of the greatest rewards I’ve received in turn. The leadership qualities I’ve gained have been instrumental to many of my successes, and I am able to employ them on a daily basis.
I believe the opportunity to utilize my compassion gained through my involvement in Haiti lies within the doors of [SCHOOL REDACTED]. I trust that the curriculum and faculty here will push me to strive for excellence and act as a catalyst to intensify my yearning to advocate for families and children. I furthermore feel that this institution has the propensity to enable me to lead and positively influence others as I have proven to do in the past; and I would be fortunate to strive for triumph of yet another venture through the help of programs offered within [SCHOOL].

[Mr. Archer]

So when I had the opportunity to sign up for a service trip at an orphanage in Haiti during my senior year of high school, I pleaded with them for the chance to go. Skeptical at first, I immersed them with the research I had uncovered about the country, and expressed to them how deeply I felt called to embark on my next challenge.

Didn't you say in your other thread that you signed-up for the trip to help your college application?

[gabmarie]

[quote="sweets91"][quote="gabmarie"]This is my latest revision of my PS. Would greatly appreciate some brutally honest input. Thanks!