Personal Statement - Harsh Feedback Request Forum
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RickyBunny
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 3:39 pm
Personal Statement - Harsh Feedback Request
removed.
Last edited by RickyBunny on Thu Dec 15, 2016 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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barkgarry
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:32 pm
Re: Personal Statement - Harsh Feedback Request
I think the topic is fine, but this needs a lot of work. In my opinion, you focus too much on your mom and you need to shift it more to you/your perspective/your feelings. It's also a bit wordy at times, and I think it takes away from some genuine moments for an adcomms person to connect with you.
Ex: "Fantastical thoughts of paper cup phones hanging between the windowsills of my new house and my friend’s adjacent home soon were the only thoughts that pervaded my mind." - Fantasizing about speaking to your friend through paper cups is a great image, but it can be communicated much more concisely. The sentence you wrote is kind of long and awkward, which I think weakens the impact. Make it simpler, and it'll go better. What's appealing here is that you're telling something relatable, not that you know words like "fantastical."
Along the same lines, I'd take another look at all the imagery you use in the section where your house is being foreclosed. Again, the punch comes from how sad and scary it is. For me, it would actually be more powerful if you described things more matter-of-factly rather than putting such a literary spin on it.
Which brings me to my final point - a lot of the language you use feels passive and detached. This is a gut-wrenching story, and you sound distant from it. Ex. "I recall fixating..." should be "I fixated..." - It puts us in the actual moment with you, rather than like we're looking back. Same deal with "...like a spectator watching a building become engulfed in flames..." - It's a bit melodramatic, but people might really feel it if you directly insert yourself into it: "I felt like I was watching my own house become engulfed in flames."
I do think you're on the right track, but I think the tone/wording/wordiness hurts you overall. Go for simple and direct writing, and I think it will end up more compelling.
Ex: "Fantastical thoughts of paper cup phones hanging between the windowsills of my new house and my friend’s adjacent home soon were the only thoughts that pervaded my mind." - Fantasizing about speaking to your friend through paper cups is a great image, but it can be communicated much more concisely. The sentence you wrote is kind of long and awkward, which I think weakens the impact. Make it simpler, and it'll go better. What's appealing here is that you're telling something relatable, not that you know words like "fantastical."
Along the same lines, I'd take another look at all the imagery you use in the section where your house is being foreclosed. Again, the punch comes from how sad and scary it is. For me, it would actually be more powerful if you described things more matter-of-factly rather than putting such a literary spin on it.
Which brings me to my final point - a lot of the language you use feels passive and detached. This is a gut-wrenching story, and you sound distant from it. Ex. "I recall fixating..." should be "I fixated..." - It puts us in the actual moment with you, rather than like we're looking back. Same deal with "...like a spectator watching a building become engulfed in flames..." - It's a bit melodramatic, but people might really feel it if you directly insert yourself into it: "I felt like I was watching my own house become engulfed in flames."
I do think you're on the right track, but I think the tone/wording/wordiness hurts you overall. Go for simple and direct writing, and I think it will end up more compelling.
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RickyBunny
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 3:39 pm
Re: Personal Statement - Harsh Feedback Request
Thank you! Really appreciate the feedback and will incorporate it into another draft.
If anyone else has any comments, please feel free to add on.
If anyone else has any comments, please feel free to add on.
