PS - Need Feedback Please Forum

[steemboat]

I feel like this is a good topic for me to discuss, but I'm unsure of how well I describe its impact on me. Feedback welcome!

Entering college, I had two goals for myself: I was going to be the first in family history with a college degree, and I was going to stay within my comfort zone—keeping my head down and eyes closed, fixating on my science textbooks, and avoiding conflict and ambiguity at every chance I would get.

My plan was going well for a couple weeks until I received a call from my mother at three in the morning. After apologizing to my roommate for the unexpected wake-up call, I walked outside into the cold October breeze and listened to my mother, sobbing hysterically on the other end, as she revealed that my father had been hiding a gambling addiction from my family for many years, and the savings my grandmother set aside to help support my education had been depleted to cover his losses.

I immediately hung up and drove over to her home with my mind in a pensive state the entire way, building up rage as I realized how his gambling manifested itself throughout my childhood. We bounced around [REDACTED] neighborhoods because my father gambled away rent, not because of a change in commission structure at his work. Burglars never entered the house to steal the cash my brothers and I saved in a desk drawer—my father staged the event. Our water heater was not shut off because “I was taking too long in the shower”—the money to pay for the utilities went to the casino instead. The true reason behind why my family would receive financial assistance from family and friends was now clear. My world had turned upside down. I had never felt so ignorant and stupid in my life.

With the help of my grandmother and close friends, I realized I had to forgive myself in order to regain self-confidence. I also realized that while financial assistance from others growing up was a kind gesture, it only helped on surface—it did not solve our problems. My eyes were suddenly open to become aware of the struggles of others, and how individuals can be hampered through inherent flaws within society. Something within me changed, and I had been empowered by this new perspective. I started to take a more active role in guiding my brothers to graduate high school. I no longer dreaded attending my required service learning classes each week, where I gradually participated more and more in discussion about society, leadership, and change. Hours spent in the laboratory became substituted with hours spent volunteering within the community.

My newfound understanding between root causes and surface level manifestations allowed me to establish a chapter of Emergency USA, an NGO that focuses on improving healthcare in developing nations through raising awareness of human rights as they pertain to health. In doing so, I became something I never imagined entering college, both a leader and an agent for change. No longer yearning for comfort, my interests in health policy and human rights law grew as I became unafraid to seek something that more satisfying than comfort—passion.

As I look back on my past, I feel that I now can answer questions that had spent so much time consuming me. Why did my dad risk all that my parents had worked hard for? Why did he never seek help? Understanding that an opportunity to have more money could not have been the only reason for such reckless behavior, I realized what my father was really doing—fighting his perceived fate and dissatisfaction in his life with the thrill of spinning the roulette wheel and bluffing his 7-2 off suit. He was scared. And in this moment, with a newfound tolerance of ambiguity, I am deciding to no longer be.