critique? thank you Forum

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LionKillerBJJ

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critique? thank you

Post by LionKillerBJJ » Fri Sep 30, 2016 7:55 pm

deleted for now thanks
Last edited by LionKillerBJJ on Sat Oct 01, 2016 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Mr. Archer

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Re: critique? thank you

Post by Mr. Archer » Fri Sep 30, 2016 10:06 pm

How long is this overall? I think it's definitely got to be shorter. The intro with the hangover probably needs to go. It doesn't help much. I'm also not sure you should you should keep mentioning your sisters in a negative way. It sounds like they made things rough in you, but it might rub some people the wrong way. A quick mention that you didn't get help from your siblings stated in a general way might be better. However, I think a main issue is length.
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LionKillerBJJ

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Re: critique? thank you

Post by LionKillerBJJ » Fri Sep 30, 2016 10:43 pm

Thanks, it's 2 pages and 3 lines on the third page. I can probably get those 3 lines out by removing too much mention of sisters.
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