Yale 250..feedback appreciated Forum
-
Anonymous User
- Posts: 433416
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Yale 250..feedback appreciated
.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Aug 23, 2016 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
TLSDookie
- Posts: 80
- Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:48 pm
Re: Yale 250..feedback appreciated
"Knowledge rightly dictates that man must die."
This screams faux-intellectualism. Instead of phrasing everything like you're a old and wise scholar-poet in the 19th century, phrase things like a normal person would talk, and let the intellectual merits of your ideas speak for themselves.
For example, the first sentence would become something like, "All people eventually die." Rinse and repeat for the entire essay. You may find, that after you do this, your 19th century scholar-poet prose gives way to pretty unremarkable ideas, people live on in the legacy they leave, people shouldn't make pursuit of that legacy their sole goal in life. Instead of focusing on phrasing, focus on why you think those things, I.e. is it more worthwhile to maximize your enjoyment/happiness while you live?
I guarantee YLS will not be fooled in to thinking a sentence like "I refer to eternal life, not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense.... Etc.". Cut the editorializing crap, you spent almost a quarter of your word allotment on something I promise you could rephrase in to a simple sentence of 10 words or less.
Being able to speak simply and express complex opinions on the value of immortality is far more erudite than what you've got now.
This screams faux-intellectualism. Instead of phrasing everything like you're a old and wise scholar-poet in the 19th century, phrase things like a normal person would talk, and let the intellectual merits of your ideas speak for themselves.
For example, the first sentence would become something like, "All people eventually die." Rinse and repeat for the entire essay. You may find, that after you do this, your 19th century scholar-poet prose gives way to pretty unremarkable ideas, people live on in the legacy they leave, people shouldn't make pursuit of that legacy their sole goal in life. Instead of focusing on phrasing, focus on why you think those things, I.e. is it more worthwhile to maximize your enjoyment/happiness while you live?
I guarantee YLS will not be fooled in to thinking a sentence like "I refer to eternal life, not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense.... Etc.". Cut the editorializing crap, you spent almost a quarter of your word allotment on something I promise you could rephrase in to a simple sentence of 10 words or less.
Being able to speak simply and express complex opinions on the value of immortality is far more erudite than what you've got now.
-
CaptainJapan
- Posts: 375
- Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:53 pm
Re: Yale 250..feedback appreciated
Goosebumps
