Different PS Approach- Need Feedback Forum

[tylergreenandgold]

After writing a few personal statements and feeling like none of them captured what I want to say, I wrote this. I've been trying to find something to talk about other than this because it's so cliche, but I finally decided just to talk about it and address the cliche directly. Let me know what you think about this approach.





Against the backdrop of skyscrapers in New York’s financial district, I pass a woman in stale clothes who weeps as she asks for money. “Please,” she begs, “I’m so hungry.” While financial executives are invited to draft up additions to an omnibus bill in Congress, a poor couple wonders if there is anybody in Washington who is even aware of their concerns. As I sit and write in the comfort of my back porch, a boy in Aleppo crawls from the rubble of the brick that was once his home. I could, for the sake of originality, discuss some of my more obscure interests and use them in some way to highlight my better qualities, but to do so would be to dance awkwardly around the reason I’m applying to law school in the first place: I see injustice all around me, and I’d like to help fix it. I accept that my interests are cliché- undergraduate universities are breeding grounds for liberal students who want to save the world- but in the interest of remaining true to my endeavors, I am laying them bare. When I looked at that crying woman on Fifth Avenue, I was struck by the almost poetic contrast of the scene. Afterwards, I remember thinking “This is why I’m going to law school.” Indeed, the work I do in law school and in my career will be done with her in mind.
I knew for the longest time that I wanted to devote my life’s work to issues like wealth inequality, but I didn’t know how. Such large problems seemed to be limited to the offices of those in the most powerful positions, so my answer to the question “What do you want to be once you graduate from college?” was often “I don’t know, a senator? President?” Within a few weeks of my junior year of college, however, I no longer had any questions about my path after graduation. On the first day of class, my new Constitutional Law professor prompted us with a question: “Do you believe that you are entitled to due process?” The class responded with a resounding “Yes”, and so he prodded us with another: “Okay- what is due process?” Some of us shifted uncomfortably in our desks, and we all sat puzzled, silent. He relieved us with the point he was trying to make: “You believe that you have the right to something, and yet you don’t know what it is.”
I learned quite a bit from such a brief lesson. First, I learned that the Fifth Amendment doesn’t come with an appendix. In fact, the constitution is filled with vague terms, and its authors provided no accompanying guidebook dictating what these terms mean or how to interpret them. The job of constitutional lawyers, then, was clear: they are responsible for debating, interpreting, and expanding upon the sparse words found in the Constitution. And expand they have; it’s hard not to be humbled before the hundreds of thousands of pages devoted to figuring out a document which originally contained just 4,543 words. Second, I learned that Constitutional lawyers are responsible for giving life to the promises in the Constitution, a job whose importance can’t be overstated. The work of federal judges and litigators, though done in ivory towers, significantly affects the rights, freedoms, and livelihoods of even (end perhaps especially) the most poor and downtrodden Americans.
As I dove into the definitive cases regarding the selective incorporation of the Bill of Rights, grand jury trials, hate speech and libel, obscenity, the rights of incarcerated enemy combatants, affirmative action, and segregation, I came to be enthralled by the dance of constitutional interpretation, excited about its ability to protect and uphold real peoples’ rights and interests, and assured of my conviction that it’s the kind of work that I want to do after law school. [Talk about desire to study constitutional law/get involved in federal litigation clinics in law school].
[Talk about why Law School X is a good fit for my academic goals, and what I have to give to the law school.]

[gery0n]

double post sorry

[gery0n]

Please don't use this topic; comes across as patronizing and a bit snobby. Find something from your own experience instead of talking about the plights of 'the poor'. I think the constitutional law class could be a good starting point, if you expand it / cut out the other parts of the essay.

[galadriel3019]

Like the poster above I had problems with some of your essay. The beginning does nothing to help you and in fact I think hurts you. You say you want to help with inequality, and I was sort of waiting to read "and this is what I have done so far in my own way to pursue this" but instead you have cliches about making a difference and then a rather jarring reference to a Syrian boy. That particularly came off as pandering. There is no substance.

The con law class part was fine, and I think your ending is the strongest part of your essay. But I strongly encourage you to redo your intro, it truly does not help your message. Beyond telling the reader about the class that inspired you, I'd really love to learn more about YOU. Show me who you are beyond saying you want to help with inequality.

Good luck!